Finding My Way

MY House

2012-01-23T21:50:00.000-08:00

It wasn't long after James and I met and started dating that we moved in together. We were pretty much unofficially living together after 4 months (dang, that was fast!) and officially after six. We first lived in his apartment for a couple of months and when that lease expired moved into a bigger apartment which incidentally is about a mile from where I live now.

In the summer of 2001, we bought our first house, which we lived in for a little over two years before moving to Arizona. It was back to an apartment for 7 months before we bought a cute little house in Gilbert. About a year later, we were unexpectedly able to come home and in October 2005, we moved into our new home, which I was fortunate enough to be able to keep after he passed away.

Like everyone, the downturn of the housing market has affected me and selling would not really be in my best interest at this time. Plus, I love the house even if it really is too big for just me and two dogs who are on the small end of the mid-sized dog scale. And for where my life is right now, it's in a good location. (And we all know the #1 rule of real estate: location, location, location).

I knew interest rates were going down to ridiculous levels which made my 6% rate seem like double digits. But I kept dragging my feet on refinancing. And then I got my annual escrow analysis. And I was short almost an entire year's property taxes which meant my payment was going up about $200/month. Um, excuse me, but WTF? So I called and found out that they paid property taxes as they should have (which I verified with the county), and then did a system upgrade. (First rule of system upgrades in my experience: things go wrong). When they did the upgrade, not all the tax payments carried over and mine was one of them (naturally), so it showed as still needing to be paid. The lady I talked to said she'd request the analysis be rerun-meaning to me they knew there was a problem but weren't going to automatically take steps to correct it unless customers called and complained. My revised analysis showed a shortage of about $600 and an increase of about $50/month. That's much better.

And then I got the letter from my insurance company that my homeowners policy had been cancelled. So I called and found out the renewal premium had not been paid. The agent offered to call my mortgage company and follow up on that, which I thought was probably a good idea. But after I cooled down, I decided I deserved an explanation. I was told they didn't receive a premium statement. So I asked if it was standard procedure to not pay the insurance if they didn't get a statement and was told that typically they just pay the previous year's premium and pay the difference when they know what it was, but in my case for some unknown reason, they just didn't pay anything at all. Awesome.

The next day, I called the bank we use at work and started the re-fi process (which has been an ordeal in and of itself). You don't get to screw up my account that badly and keep my business. Plus, a 3.625% interest rate is MUCH more attractive than 6.0%. Today, about two months after I made that first call, I finally went in and signed the papers so I now re-own my own house (yea!). It's amazing what a pain it is to prove you can pay less per month for the same house for which you are already paying the mortgage.

It was about an hour before I left work to go sign the papers that I realized I have lived in this house for just over 6 years, which other than college is the longest I've lived at one address since graduating from high school (Dad would be so proud-and shocked. He used to tease me that he had a single entry for most people but an entire address book for me). I also realized that I have now lived in this house alone for twice as long (give or take) as I lived in it with James. That was a weird revelation. I wasn't really sure how to feel about that-it's just so surreal. But after the initial shock wore off I actually felt a little empowered by it. It's MY house now. It has been for quite some time but for the first time, I feel it. While I've made a few changes here and there, I don't have to leave anything the way it is. I can do whatever I want to the house with no guilt. I can put in the laminate floors I want, get new kitchen counters and paint every room if I so choose. I've already painted a lot of the upstiars but it wasn't done with the freedom I feel now. And now I just want to change it all up.

It's a good feeling.

Puzzles

2011-12-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

This weekend, a friend of mine is coming over to help me purge through my house. Despite having seen my house, I don't think the poor guy knows what he has signed himself up for and I don't know why he is so looking forward to this project-why he even cares. But I have known for a long time it needs to be done and it's too overwhelming when I try to tackle it alone so I'm grateful for the offer. I feel I need to move the past out so the future can move in. Not just my past with James, but my past period. I have things I've been carrying around for far too long that there is simply no reason to continue to hold on to, like my very first purse which I will never use again (though it is from the 80's, so it could be in style again here shortly).

My friend has told me he's going to be a Nazi about the purge process and I get one bye but anything else needs justification in the form of a research paper. Knowing there's a good chance he's serious and that my puzzle collection could be a source of disagreement, I have written the following. No, it's not the scientific research he had in mind; rather, it's research of my heart and soul:

I was five years old when my grandmother gave me my first jigsaw puzzle. As I was younger than the recommended age on the box, my mom wanted to put it away until I was older. Knowing that I was an inquisitive and determined child, however, Grandma did not see any harm in letting me try to put it together.

I wasn’t sure about this at first wondering why Grandma had given me a broken toy. Mom had to show me what this puzzle business was all about-how all the pieces were supposed to fit together to make the picture on the box. I was skeptical but I gave it a shot. Mom was skeptical as well, convinced I would never finish it.

Naturally, I finished the puzzle. And then I took it apart, turned the pieces over and put it together face down. And then I put it together again the correct way. So I was given a second puzzle. Again, I put it together correctly and then face down.

After this, puzzles were a given on my birthday and Christmas wish lists and my collection began to grow, with my preference for those picturing houses and/or boats. We had a spare room in our house in Davenport, and it was not uncommon for me to have one puzzle in progress on the floor of that room or my bedroom and several put together. I like to admire them after they are completed before I tear them apart and put them away. The back room was very cold and drafty (possibly haunted, though that’s another story), however, and my bedroom wasn’t much warmer, so Dad brought home a “puzzle board” for me so I could work on my puzzles in a more heated (but carpeted) part of the house, which I thought was the greatest thing ever. This first and subsequent puzzle boards are more commonly known as plywood-pieces big enough that I could easily fit two 1,000-piece or one 2,500-piece puzzle on-as I got older, so did the piece count of my puzzles as my dad tried to make them more challenging for me. Despite being nothing more than plywood, we always called them puzzle boards.

As I grew older, I never outgrew my love of puzzles. To this day, I am drawn to them like a magnet. If I see one in progress, it is so incredibly hard not to go over and work on it-which not everyone appreciates! Friends and family fully support this habit. My friend and I occasionally get together and catch up while putting one together. She gives me hers when she is done with them. Her mother also picks them up at garage sales for me. It does make me easy to shop for and allows for a little mischief-a few years ago for Christmas, my brother and nephews sent me a three-pack of puzzles in which they mixed all the pieces together. They were pretty distinct and easy to sort out so for my birthday they sent me a 10-pack. Again they mixed all the pieces together, in effect giving me a puzzle with over 7,000 pieces, which I accused James of doing. To this day, I am still not 100% convinced it really was Mike and the boys who did it. This took me a bit longer to sort out. And yes, they have been a source of contention. James’ only complaint was I came with too many puzzles. When we moved back from Arizona, he told me anything that was not unpacked within 6 months was going to be given away. Knowing how he felt about the puzzles, I unpacked them first.

I don’t remember a time in which puzzles were not a part of my life. I love how finding one piece can change the entire look of what’s already been put together. I love the challenge of finding that one piece. I love the calming effect they tend to have on me. I love the sense of completion and satisfaction that comes with snapping in the last piece. I love that no matter how many I do there’s always one waiting-that I will never run out of them. I love that I have this hobby to help me when I need an escape to take my mind off of other things or when I need a distraction so my mind can quietly work out things it is trying to process.

The puzzles stay.

Changes I Wasn't Expecting

2011-11-21T20:11:00.000-08:00

Part of the fear I had going into LASIK was I felt it would be a life changing event, though when asked I couldn't exactly say why. I knew the simple aspects of it: no more going to the eye doctor on an annual basis. No more glasses, no more contacts. No more expense that goes with wearing contacts. Being able to see when I open my eyes with no corrective lenses. Being able to go swimming and actually see-I can take water aerobics now! Things like that but nothing that was really earth shattering, other than it was change and I'm not a big fan of change.

So I had it done. And then I got sick. It was just a cold; I'd been fighting it leading up to the procedure so it wasn't really a surprise when it hit full on a few days after. But apparently that wasn't enough because a little over a week after I had LASIK, in addition to the cold, I came down with food poisoning. Or so I thought. But it wouldn't go away. So after 36 hours of throwing up, I went to the doctor (mainly because my co-worker told me too).

I had an instinctive feeling before I left for the doctor so I checked the item that started the throwing up (vegetarian buffalo wings and yes, they were actually pretty good-until I threw them up) and found onions buried deep in the list. I then checked the ingredients of the noodles I'd eaten the next day and also threw up. And found they had onions too. So I told the doctor I was no longer sure it was food poisoning but thought it might be an allergic reaction to onions. I told him I'd had environmental allergy testing but not food and asked to have that done. So he sent me to the lab for blood work and told me to eat bland foods, such as bread and crackers until my stomach could tolerate food again.

So I did what the doctor said but just wasn't getting any better. It was frustrating and getting a little scary wondering why I just wasn't getting over this. I thought that perhaps healing from eye surgery, the cold and whatever was going on with my stomach was too much for my body to handle all at once. And then I got a call from the doctor's office. They had the results of my blood tests: the CBC and the hydration tests came back normal. But something popped on the allergy test: I'm allergic to baker's yeast.

Naturally, the first thing I did was ask if baker's yeast and regular yeast were the same thing. Since the advice nurse didn't know, I looked it up. And found all kinds of contradictory information. For one thing, there are two types of yeast: one that is derived from a fungus and is used in baking to make bread rise. The other is bacterial and grows naturally in our systems. This is the yeast that causes yeast infections. The frustration I'm running into with trying to determine what to eat or not eat with being allergic to yeast is that most sites seem to intertwine the two. What one site says is okay to eat with a yeast allergy is not allowed on another. The only thing that seems consistent is yeast (obviously), vinegar and anything fermented.

Another thing I have read consistently is the symptoms of a yeast allergy are not your "typical" allergy symptoms. They include fatigue, depression, nausea, vomiting and "fog head" - feeling light headed or dizzy. All things I have been experiencing for years and contributed to other things; mainly grief. So now I'm on a quest to find a nutritionist who specializes in food allergies to find out what I can and cannot eat from a credible source.

I kept saying getting LASIK was going to change my life. I never expected to go have my eyes done and come out allergic to food! (Okay, so that's not what happened, just how it came to light). On one hand, this is a pretty odd allergy and as I said, frustrating at this point. On the other hand, I am looking forward to hopefully actually feeling good for the first time in years once I get it under control.

I Can See Clearly Now...

2011-11-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

On October 7, 1984, my dad married the woman I refer to as "the evil-ex." The ceremony was actually held on the 6th, but they didn't file for the license in time so it was official on the 7th. On October 27th, 1997, I started my job at the local Caterpillar dealership-my second professional job and one that lasted five years. These were both significant events in my life for vastly different reasons: one led to the destruction of my self-worth. The other led me to James.

In 1989, as a freshman in high school, it became apparent I needed glasses. Which I was told I had to pay for myself but was ultimately given as a Valentine's Day gift. Looking back at the pictures, I definitely had the typically 1990's style glasses! In 1995, as a junior in college, I started to wear contacts. For the last 16 years, I have alternated between glasses and contacts, primarily wearing contacts.

James also wore glasses. While I was okay with it, he didn't really want to wear them anymore and looked into LASIK several times, even going as far as to having a consultation. He learned he could have it done but would still need reading glasses so he decided not to go through with it. He encouraged me to look into it as well but other than asking my eye doctor if he thought I'd be a candidate in passing, I never did. I was too afraid. I'd be the one millionth patient in which there was an earthquake that caused a bus to crash into building causing the equipment to malfunction leaving me blind.

So it was a topic that came up but not one I had explored lately. It sort of died when James did. Until recently. It came up at bunco in July-one of my bunco mates was having it done the next day. One of my best friends was subbing for our group that night and she had it done as well. Prior to leaving for Labor Day weekend, I had a conversation with another friend who had also had it done. All three had gone to the same doctor. I also received first a post card and then a voice mail message from my eye doctor that I was due for an appointment. I kept hearing commercials on the radio for LASIK. And, I needed to fill out a new Flex benefit form at work.

Before I knew it, I was texting my two friends mentioned above I was thinking about going in for a consultation to see if I was a candidate. Surprisingly, it was more of the casual friend who was the most excited about this, offering to take me to the appointment if I was in fact a candidate.

On October 7th, I found out that I was in fact, a candidate. There was a part of me that honestly didn't think I would be and I don't know what outcome I actually wanted. I spent the next couple of weeks alternating between numbness, shock and fear. I'm a single woman, living alone with no family in the area, in a two-story house with two dogs that are fully dependent on me. What the HELL was I thinking?? I was planning to do something that could potentially leave me blind-and why wasn't anyone stopping me?? And how could I do this without the one person who was supposed to be by my side for these things?

I realized the fear went deeper than that. I had to have faith. I'm a control freak. I don't do faith. And yet I had to have faith not only that the doctor knew what he was doing, but that the machine wasn't going to fail leaving my blind. And I realized that no, James was not here to hold my hand but someone else had stepped up to be there for me. Someone I didn't ask-he volunteered. And that was perhaps the scariest thing of all: I had to have faith in someone I didn't know if I could trust.

On October 27th, I had LASIK. There were definitely a few moments when I seriously considered not going through with it. To say I was scared is an understatement! I threw up three times that morning. My friend came through for me and was by my side the whole time other than when they wouldn't let him be. He did later confess that he was sure I was going to change my mind, right up until the time they were finished with the procedure. He wasn't the only one-a week later I still can't believe I went through it!

And now I can see without glasses or contacts. The machine didn't fail. There were no earthquakes or bus crashes. There were several friends rooting for me. I could not have done this without their support, especially since when I called my mom to tell her it went well when I didn't hear from her, I learned she forgot about it. Seriously? I don't care how old I am. What parent forgets their child is having a procedure that can potentially leave them blind? Thanks for the support, Mom. But whatever.

The irony of the dates did not escape my notice. I didn't choose them intentionally-it's just the way it worked out. I'm glad I went through with it-that I faced that fear. I'm hoping that doing so will help me find a way to rebuild my confidence. Conquering fear is a pretty amazing thing. So is being able to see a little better than 20/20 without corrective lenses.

Things to Come?

2011-10-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

For the last few months, I have felt like I am on a path of change. I feel good things are coming but at the same time I've been wondering if I am in fact on the correct path. I know that only time will tell what is in store for me. But after hearing about a friend's experience with a reiki master/psychic, I decided to make an appointment to see her as well.

I had Friday off to recover from LASIK so I made the appointment for that afternoon. I was a little early for the appointment so I had time to wonder whether or not I really wanted to know what she was going to say. Perhaps I was better off not knowing. But on the other hand, even if it was something "bad" - meaning something I didn't want to hear, maybe it would be good to know so I could adjust my hopes accordingly.

The first thing she did was take my hands to read my energy. She asked for guidance and than began to sing a song, which she said was my spirit song. The song seemed sad yet somehow soothing at the same time. It brought to mind the image of a young Native American woman sitting on a horse on a ridge overlooking a valley, perhaps in the southwest or the Old West.

When she was finished she told me I had "beautiful energy." She then told me she was seeing an old ox cart pulled by an Asian ox (I didn't know there was a difference, but okay). I was a young Asian girl, approaching a village walking beside the ox down a narrow ("one-lane") road, with rice fields on the side. She got the sense it was Vietnam, pre-war. I wasn't poor, but rather part of the working class. Behind the cart, which was filled with produce, was my father who walked with a slight limp. There was a definite father/daughter bond-the young woman definitely took care of her father.

She said that I had some deep wounds/sores in my heart-that I was carrying a lot of grief. She said there was a hole in my heart-that part of it was blank, like a vaccuum-and that I don't love myself; that I don't feel lovable. She said I am almost at a phase where I will be able to open up and attract a man. She then said there is a strain with my mother. And that I am suited for what I do for a living (accounting) because it is orderly and my life has not always been like that.

She said that my heart doesn't want to be social, so she was surprised to find out how active my life is. My inclination is to stay in, which is true, but at the same time I want to draw someone to me. She then switched gears and said that she doesn't see my job changing in the respect she sees me staying in the field of accounting.

Next she pulled out her Tarot cards. The first card she turned over was the "Burden" card. She said I was not releasing my burdens but was carrying them around with me. That my burdens were emotional rather than mental. She said that it's a good thing I am a realist because anyone I bring in won't be facing the ghost of James. That I can bring in someone new who will also be a soul mate/love of my life and that he will be in my life for a long time.

The next card was "Success." She said I am on the top of my world and riding out my fears. The card shows a man on a tiger; she said the tiger represents fear. I am harnessing being able to sit on my fear and ride it to success and let go of my fear. She said to let go of the fear and to travel the world; that she sees me going to Europe. Incidentally, in Chinese astrology, I am a tiger.

Third was the "Stress" card. She said I'm carrying a great deal of stress and I still feel stressful. She said it could be the residual effects of my eye surgery or it could be that I am afraid that due to James' death, I'm going to crash, but I shouldn't worry because I have "Success" as my anchor.

After "Stress" came "Understanding." This shows birds flying out of a cage. She said it is time to eliminate the cage and understand why I'm free and flying. I need to understand the cage can be either a mental or heart attitude. I also need to understand that the cage to the door is open. The door is always open and I'm on the brink of flying out. Once others see me fly, they will follow and fly with me.

Next was "Celebration." She said this card means that I need to celebrate life with every little bit of life. It means to be alive, don't be afraid and enjoy life to the fullest. She said she could sense that I have been trying to live in the now and it is important to do so. She said not to waste the now with regret and guilt but rather now is the time to move forward.

"Courage" came up next. She said that I've been learning what courage really means. It's about blooming when I shouldn't be and finding light when everything else is dark.

Then came the "Traveling" card. She said this card only comes up when someone is getting ready to go on a trip. My upcoming trip will be a time to let loose and really be me. But, at the same time, it will still be planned and not spontaneous. I will also have the opportunity to take an unexpected trip-either to England, Italy or Greece and I shouldn't be afraid to go on this trip.

After this came the "Possibilities" card. Simply stated, I need to look at things from different viewpoints and not miss out on any possibilities. Following "Possibilities" was "Compromise." Again, simply stated, I don't need to compromise because I can have exactly what I want.

"Politics" is a warning card. I need to stay away from liars. There will be someone in my life with whom not everything is what it seems but I will catch on quickly. The "Guilt" card came up next; I will feel guilty for not believing in the person the "Politics" card pertains to but I shouldn't as they will try to play on that guilt to get their way.

Next up was "Innocence." The counterpart to "Guilt." I need to believe in the innocence of a new relationship and let love in. Then came "Postponement." She said this means I have been postponing life and it is time to move on. My upcoming vacation will be a great way of getting out.

The last card was "Lovers." She said this is about loving myself and finding a lover who loves me. I will have vowed to love myself exclusively and will draw in someone who has done the same. He will also come to me to love himself (although I may not have written that down correctly). He will be the mirror to myself. He's on the way-could be as soon as 2012 but as far out as five years from now. The five year part was a little discouraging!

I'm not sure how I feel about this experience overall. I really do feel change is on the way and I do feel it is positive. I'm not patient and I do wish I had the crystal ball that shows me this all turns out okay. I just have to have faith, which is scary. And I need to keep just focusing on the positive and letting the rest go. And mostly I just need to keep focusing on reminding myself I am a good person who is deserving of the best life has to offer.

Turning Point

2011-10-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

August 6th marked 3 1/2 years since James passed away. I knew it was coming but it still seemed oddly abstract. How has this much time passed so quickly and at the same time feel like an entire lifetime? I guess the good thing is time is no longer standing still and seems again to be marching forward, as it should.

Something else seemed to happen around this time: I just wanted to be done. I know it doesn't work like that-I can't just say "okay, that's it," and never feel sadness or miss James again. Those days still come though not as frequently as they once did and when they do come, they don't seem to last as long as they did. I've wanted to be done for a long time but this is different. I don't feel that pull to look back like I once did. In fact, I feel the opposite. It sounds heartless but I just want James to be gone.

I don't mean I want the memories or the love or the lessons I learned about myself from being with him and after his death to go away. Far from it. I want the physical reminders to be gone. The things I kept when I first went through his things because they were important to him but that have no real meaning to me. Like his books, which I thought I'd read some day to honor him. The truth is I'm never going to. I'm not a fan of fantasy and I barely make the time to read the books I do enjoy. He is not the things that are still here. He is the memories and the lessons and the love I still keep inside.

I posted the paperbacks that were in good shape on paperbackswap.com. It was hard to mail the first couple but it is getting easier. With each book I mail, I am getting a credit to use to request a book I will read. I found I couldn't break up the hardbacks written by his favorite author and found friends to take them. It was important to me they went to a home that would appreciate them. That's all that has mattered when it comes to donating his things: that they go to someone who appreciates them.

I don't really have a lot of his belongings left and I feel this step is leading me down a path to something-something I can't identify yet but that I feel is good. But at the same time I feel like I am letting go of my security blanket and I don't know what happens when that blanket is gone. When I'm left to truly stand on my own two feet for the first time since I was 25.

I can do this. More importantly, I want to do this.

History Repeating Itself?

2011-09-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

Shortly after I moved here, I joined a bowling league. I like to bowl and thought it would help me to get out of the apartment and would help me to meet people. In other words, the Culligan water delivery guy at work was cute and needed a girl to round out his team. Shortly after that, he hurt his back, couldn't bowl and I never saw him again. I ended up bowling with the league for two seasons.

The second season ended in the spring of 1998. The teams were supposed to have four members but our team was short by two for most of the season. There was another girl in the league who was loosing her team and we decided we'd team up for the next season. I agreed to go out with her one Friday night right after that second season ended. I didn't really want to go; I'm not a bar person, but I thought it was a good idea to get to know the girl that was supposed to be on my bowling team the next year a little better. It was on this night that I met R1. (I didn't bowl the next season-never heard from the other girl again).

By the time that night was over, I was very much the smitten kitten. Our first date was two days later-it lasted for eight hours. We ended up dating for a couple of months but it wasn't smooth sailing. I liked him a lot more than he liked me; ultimately, he decided that he missed being a step-father to his ex-wife's kids so much he was going to try to win her back despite the fact she was living with her new boyfriend. He'd agreed to help me move into my new apartment, however, and since I had no one else to turn to, I did call him on it. The last time I saw him was in November of 1998-six months after we first met.

After that, I became addicted to AOL chat rooms-basically, the 1998 equivalent of online dating. I did go out on a few dates as a result of this but nothing ever went past the first date. I eventually gave up on this when the last date didn't happen-the guy met me, went out "to get his coat" and I never saw or heard from him again. This, of course, was around the time my dad asked what was so wrong with me I couldn't attract a man. I was convinced I'd never meet anyone-that I was destined to be alone for my entire life. Not happy here, I decided to rejoin my college friends and move back to Idaho.

Thirteen months after I last saw R1, I was in the process of moving back to Idaho when I met James in December of 1999, who was in the process of moving back to Sacramento. He was nothing like what I thought I was looking for but neither of us moved. Instead, we had 8 years, 1 month and 6 days together and were planning for many, many more when he died of a heart attack while driving home from work on February 6, 2008.

In April of 2010, I went out on a Friday night that I didn't want to go out on. I'm not a bar person but a couple of my friends were going to be there and I hadn't seen them in a while and I wanted to see them. And I met R2 (aka No Longer New Guy). By the end of the night, he asked for my number and I hoped he'd call. He did the requisite wait three days to call thing; our first date was 9 days after we first met. It wasn't an easy road-I really shouldn't have gone out on a third date with him, let alone let it drag on (and off) for as long as it did. The last time I (purposely) saw R2 was five months after we first met. (The last time I saw him was Friday. Definitely not on purpose).

Since then, I've become addicted to online dating. I've been on eHarmony, Match twice and Ok Cupid twice. All my "dates" have been with male friends. Having no luck, I'm having a hard time not believing James was my one shot and I'm done. That I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I don't plan to move this time, however; my life is here.

The last time I (purposely) saw R2 was a year ago last Sunday. I've always thought it was interesting the last guy I dated before and the first guy after James were both named R and I dated them for about the same amount of time and that I had no luck with dating after both of them. Maybe this is why I keep feeling like there is something good coming and it's right around the corner. If history is repeating itself, my first date with MH #2 will be right around Halloween. Fitting it would be around a holiday. My first date with James was New Year's Eve.

Progress, Interrupted

2011-09-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

I have moments when I feel I am making pretty good strides with moving forward with my life. I've made some really good friends, my bad days are few and far between and I'm trying new things I never would have tried before, like kayaking. (Kayaking was kind of a "f*** you" move, I admit. I'd always wanted to try it and James was always sure if I did I'd drown. Well, I did it and I'm still alive, so there. Although I do have to admit, it can't be a coincidence that even the guide was amazed by how calm the water was and how perfect it was for beginners). Most of the time these days I can find myself thinking "Life is good."

During these strong times, I think "Hey, I can do this. I'm in a good place. I'd like to date now." And then it happens. I get a reminder of what I had that makes me feel I'm not supposed to date-that while it wasn't done in a church (well, garden patio) in front of our family and closest friends who joined us for our destination wedding in Folsom, California (no, not at the prison), I vowed to love James for as long as we both shall live. And I still live.

After swearing it off again, which we all knew wouldn't last, I ventured back into the world of online dating, or not dating in my case. This time I decided to experiment with free vs paid. (Results, or rather non-results, still pending. I have until 10/4 on the paid site). I was contacted by a guy on OK Cupid and we e-mailed back and forth for a bit. I have to admit it really wasn't much of a conversation-one sentence answers from him each time which made it hard for me to know how to proceed with the conversation. So when he wanted to take it to the "next level" and talk on the phone, I was hesitant. I just wasn't feeling it but I had vowed that I'd really give it a chance this time and not freak out and close my account the minute someone expressed interest. This was also during a time when I was super busy and I just didn't want to make time to squeeze in a conversation with a stranger. But I was trying to talk myself into it because, as several people pointed out, maybe he was better on the phone than online.

And then I got the e-mail from Trip Advisor congratulating me for my review "helping" five people. My first thought was "Huh? What review?" I had no clue what in the world they were talking about! So I pulled up my account on Trip Advisor, which I forgot I even had and found the only review I have ever written: the experience of buying my engagement ring at Diamonds International in Cozumel, written in January of 2007.

Ok Cupid Guy did not get my number. I told him that when I signed up, I had more time but now found myself really busy and I didn't think it would be fair to say "Here's my number. I'm free to talk a week from Tuesday." And that was the end of that. This was in July.

Fast forward to last week. I was getting ready to go see a movie with a guy friend. I met him almost a year ago, ran into him again about 6 months ago, and then again a few times in July and August at various events which led to us starting to hang out on our own. While I've definitely felt stronger connections with other guys I've met since James died, I kept feeling like there could possibly be something simmering underneath all the mixed signals. (Inner Heather says that's because there is. Given that he's currently blatantly ignoring me, I think Inner Heather either got hit in the head or is smoking crack). And then the phone rang. It was my mother-in-law. This was the second time she'd called within a couple of days and since I didn't call her back the first time, I figured I really should answer it. So I did.

She was calling to tell me she has an abdominal aortic aneurism. It's considered to be fast growing and there's a couple of options but both boil down to surgery to remove it. Because if it bursts she probably won't survive. However, even her doctor said if anyone were to survive this, it would be her. She's pretty much a medical marvel at this point. But that's not entirely why she was calling. She was calling to tell me these things are typically genetic and occur more frequently in men than in women so that may have been a factor in what caused James to die.

I'm not really sure what vibe I put out at the movie, but given the above mentioned silent treatment that has followed it, I'm gonna guess it wasn't "Come to Heather."

I don't feel guilty for wanting to fall in love again like I did before. I want to share my life with someone. I feel I deserve a second chance. But every time I try to move towards that, I feel like I'm being told "NO!" That that is not the path my life is supposed to take. That I had my shot at love, and it was great, but now it's game over. It's just going to be me from here on out. Me, trying to hold on to a love I shared with a man who is no longer here to reciprocate. Or now that I think about it, maybe it's that I'm being told I'm just not yet on the right path. It sure would be nice if I could be put on the right path. While I'm still young enough to enjoy it.

A Blurb on Friends

2011-08-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

This year's Flicks on the Bricks ended with "Stand By Me," which is one of my favorite movies. It ends with a grown-up Gordie finishing the story he's writing with "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"

I've been thinking about this a lot in the last week and the friends I have now. I'm pretty lucky in the friend department. But are they better than the ones I had when I was twelve? Well, that's how old we all act most of the time, so it's really hard to tell.

Observations from Aisle 8

2011-08-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

There's a long-standing saying, joke, I'm not sure what to call it, about meeting the love of your life in the produce aisle at the grocery store. (Although according to a recent Question of the Day on the morning news, 40% of single people say that Starbucks is the place to meet someone. I either go to the wrong Starbucks or go at the wrong time. Or the men in this town didn't get the memo. Or they just plain don't exist, which is a strong possibility). This poses a problem for me. As I've pretty much stopped cooking, I don't spend a lot of time at the grocery store these days.

However, I do need the occasional loaf of bread and quart of milk (so I can make Chai Tea lattes at home, further diminishing my hopes of meeting MH #2 at any of the three Starbucks found along my 4.5 mile commute to work). And I have made some observations:

1) Seemingly single men (meaning no wedding ring) do actually go to the grocery store and they prefer WinCo.
2) The best time to find seemingly single men at the grocery store seems to be around 4:00 on Tuesdays or Thursdays. (Which makes me wonder-don't these guys have jobs? Or do they just get off work early like I do?)
3) There is a fine line between looking like you are shopping for the same things as someone and outright following them around the store.
4) There is a direct correlation between the number of cute seemingly single men shopping and how bad of a hair day I am having. It is not positive.
5) There are a lot of things at WinCo priced at $1.29.
6) They do in fact have guacamole. It's just in a really stupid, illogical place. Kind of like graham crackers and canned mushrooms in other stores.
7) The produce at WinCo is hit and miss. I mean the fruits and vegetables-although this can also apply to the seemingly single men.
8) Seemingly single men being friends with Produce Aisle Store Employee is not a good thing. Especially if Produce Aisle Store Employee is chatty.
9) People can take an amazingly long time to open the door, pick up a carton of milk, inspect the expiration date, put it in their carts, close the door and move. Seriously, this is not rocket science. I think three seemingly single men got away in the time it took the two women in front of me to get their milk.
10) Seemingly single men do not seem to buy ice cream, so the only "men" I end up going home with are my good pals Ben and Jerry. If I ever build a store, the ice cream and the produce are so totally going to live closer together.

Letter to my Therapist

2011-06-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

Not long after James died, I was put in touch with a therapist who was also widowed young. I saw her faithfully for about two years until she had to go and retire on me-right before the holidays. She is seeing patients again sporadically once a month on a Saturday to wrap things up and I decided to make an appointment with her for this coming Saturday. Since it's been 6 months since I've seen her, I decided to bring her up to speed before then. (Names have been changed to keep with my blog practices. I also edited out some details I don't wish to publicize).

Hi Therapist,

I’ve been thinking the last few days about how I am going to cover the last six months and still have time to discuss it in an hour long visit and decided to just e-mail you a summary. I hope this is okay. I write the way I talk but will try to make this the Cliff Notes version.

The Holidays

My friend Guy Pal was instrumental in getting me through the holidays. We co-hosted a Christmas potluck at my house for the New in Town Meetup group so those who didn’t/couldn’t go home had somewhere to go. There ended up being about 9 of us in attendance. For New Year’s Eve (also my and James’ dating anniversary-this would have been 11 years), he and I and another friend went to dinner and to hear a band play. My birthday is in January; he put together a birthday dinner for me although I did have control over the guest list. For the anniversary of James’ death on 2/6 (Superbowl Sunday-James’ fave team played), Guy Pal didn’t want me to be alone so we went to see a movie and to dinner. I also “commemorated” this day by purchasing a new leather couch and love seat. My old couches were hauled off on Valentine’s Day with the new ones delivered on the 15^th. The Sunday before Valentine’s Day, I held an “Anti-Valentine’s” Day potluck and movie night at my house, again for the New in Town group, with about 12 or so attending. Guy Pal has become such a great friend, though we’ve had some ups and downs lately.

Dating (or not)

In December, I signed up for one of the free sites-OK Cupid. That lasted for about a month. I didn’t meet anyone from the site nor did I really generate much interest, other than to have someone tell me he didn’t think we’d be a good match but wondered if I wanted to be “friends with benefits.” Um, no. I decided that when I was replying to e-mails from guys I wasn’t interested in by telling them about James in hopes it would scare them off, maybe I shouldn’t be on the site. In April, inspired by a few friends having various levels of luck with them, I tried Match.com despite having been rejected by them before. Again, I gave it a month; again it went nowhere. The biggest mistake I made there was comparing myself to my friend who is much better looking than I am in terms of not getting any results (her profile was viewed over 900 times in a month, compared to about 240 for mine). Online dating definitely takes a very thick skin, which I don’t possess but at the same time keep feeling the urge to try.

In March, I met a guy named Cute Joe at a Meetup event. Prior to meeting James, the thing I heard most was “You’re the type of woman I can see myself with” or “I want to meet someone just like you someday.” That always annoyed the hell out of me because you know who’s just like me-ME. And now I get it. Cute Joe is the type of guy I can see myself with. We have very similar senses of humor, he’s a genuinely nice guy, we like to do a lot of the same things, he’s really cute, he likes dogs, etc. But, there’s just no spark there. We run into each other quite a bit at Meetup events. We get along great but it’s pretty clear he’s not interested and deep down, I don’t think he’s the “one” either-there’s a Spidey sense thing going on that I can’t put my finger on, but every time I see him, I can’t help but think “Man, I wish I could meet someone like you.” It’s just as frustrating to think it as it is to hear it.

I realized I am holding on to James because I’m not having any luck elsewhere and I don’t think there’s another chance for me so I’m holding on to the one that did want me and who can’t possibly hurt me anymore than he already has. I keep hearing Dad “what’s so wrong with you that you can’t attract a man?” and I wish I knew the answer to that.

I keep telling people I want a relationship, just not the commitment. Right now, I’d be happy just to go out on a date!

Health

In December, I had a sinus infection. I had a bad reaction to Amoxicillin and had to be taken off of it after three days. Nothing was prescribed to take its place so it never really went away. In February, I tried acupuncture for it and had a bad reaction to that as well. It went dormant but came back with my allergies, so I went back to the doctor and got an antibiotic I can actually take and I think it’s finally gone. However, the timing of the Amoxicillin making me so sick I couldn’t keep anything down coincided with Guy Pal challenging me to eat vegetarian for a week. On July 4^th, it will be 7 months since I stopped eating meat. Along with that, I stopped eating a lot of processed crap as well as pasta (though I do still have that on occasion). I do feel healthier. I have also started to exercise more: walking the dogs around the ‘hood, walks/hikes with the Meetup groups, and my co-worker and I have been taking a zumba class since April, but it’s not in an air conditioned building so it’s getting too hot for us to continue for the time being. I really enjoy that class-for the first time in my life, I actually look forward to exercising. Physically and mentally, I do feel better, even though I still don’t sleep. Emotionally, however, I am a wreck. I am much more irritable and crankier in general and cry at the drop of a hat, so I can’t help but wonder if I am releasing some feelings I buried by not taking proper care of myself after James died? I also have reason to believe my hormones are out of whack so when I see the doctor next month I want to have some blood tests done.

Out and About

I’m still keeping myself busy with Meetup events and volunteering-probably a little too busy. I was in Sacramento over the weekend to see James’ mom and cousin and while I was bummed about the cool events I was missing up here, it was so nice to not have to be anywhere at any specific time. I love the social life but at the same time, it is hard to keep up the always on the go pace. I’ve been trying to have more gatherings with friends at my house too as I have a great setup for entertaining and love to do it. I’m pretty much just running into the same people at this point, but it’s nice to walk into a room knowing at least one friend will be there.

But, even surrounded by awesome people I love, the bottom line is I’m still so very much alone and I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I found myself thinking this weekend that I have a lot of relatives but I really don’t have much in the way of family. And even with this active social life I have, I can still go for days without the phone ringing.

The Bottom Line

I’ve been trying to figure out how it is I have rebuilt a pretty damn good life for myself but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. I keep telling myself that I need to just focus on the things that make me happy, which are my dogs, volunteering and having friends over and the rest will just fall into place. Then I decided to analyze why are those the things that make me happiest? I realized it’s because with volunteering and entertaining, I am in some small way taking care of someone else and making them happy and that is what makes me happy. I’m at my best when I feel needed or when I feel I am contributing to someone else’s happiness-even if it’s just making sure they have plenty to eat and a good time for a couple of hours.

My life is good. There’s hiccups (like the A/C going out and BMW having a hard time figuring out what’s wrong with the car) along the way and I do need to find someone I can vent those hiccups too so I don’t let them build up. But in general, I have a good life. I just don’t know how to make it so only taking care of me is enough.

So there you have it.

-Heather

So this guy winks at me on Match...

2011-06-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

So this guy winks at me on Match...if that sounds like the beginnings of a bad joke and the punchline is my attempts at online dating, well it is.

When you unsubscribe from Match, your profile is kept on file for a year. I don't know if it is viewable that entire time or not but it is definitely viewable at first. I keep getting e-mails alerting me that X-number of men viewed my profile this week; resubscribe to see who is interested! Umm, if they are just looking at my profile and moving on, they aren't really interested, now are they? So I didn't take the bait and rush right online to see who these men who aren't really interested are. I thought "Let me know when someone winks or e-mails me. Then I'll consider it."

And then I got an e-mail that Mister X. winked at me. The e-mail showed his main profile picture but if I wanted to check out his profile I had to pony up the $36.99 for another month. He's not bad looking but one wink didn't really justify the expense in my book though I did feel bad I couldn't contact him to tell him my account is expired. I figured that would be the end of it. But no. Match kept sending me e-mails that I'd received a wink, even going so far as to offer me a discounted price to resubscribe. Again, I did not take the bait. Instead, I bought my own.

I have a friend who has an active subscription on Match. One of the (many, in my opinion) minuses to that site is you can't search by username. Which means if that is all you know, you can end up with a lot of profiles to sort through to try to find a specific user. Using my mad research skillz (research, cyber stalking-it's a fine line), I was able to determine Mister X's age and location which my friend and I used as our search parameters. A sort of the results by username and voila! here we have Mister X.

His profile didn't raise any red flags other than he may have a reddish tint to his hair when the light hits it a certain way and did show we like to do a lot of the same things. So my friend e-mailed him for me. (Have I mentioned how much my life resembles high school? "Do you like my friend? Check yes or no." Okay, that would actually win me over). She started by saying this was going to seem odd but you winked at my friend. She told him my subscription was expired but I got an e-mail he winked at me so we pulled up his profile on her account (Hello, Stalker) and this was my way of winking back. She gave him my username and my e-mail address so he can contact me if he's still interested.

The next day she got a response. He thanked her for the nice e-mail and said that he went back through the winks he sent and could not find my profile among them but if it popped up again he'd check it out. So we searched for my profile and had no problems finding it. I was surprised to see it showed I had been active on the site within 24 hours; I guess if you read their e-mails, it shows your profile as active? (Note to self: check credit card statement to make sure you aren't being charged).

Really? So now I have sunk to the level of getting rejected via third party by someone who expressed interest in me first? Awesome. I'm not sure it gets anymore pathetic than that. (I could renew my subscription and find out...). As if this wasn't insulting enough, two days later I got another e-mail from Match letting me know Mister X winked at me.

This morning I got an e-mail that I "sparked someone's interest." From what I gather, that means someone clicked "yes" when I popped up as one of their Daily 5. Of course, in order to find out who it is, I have to resubscribe. Wouldn't it be funny if it was Mister X (assuming he's real and that isn't a fake profile used to get women to resubscribe, that is)?

Someone Like You

2011-06-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

In my pre-James dating days, such that they were, I often was told that the guy just wanted to be friends but he hoped to meet someone just like me someday; that I was the type of woman he could see being with. It was always said in a way that somehow tried to convey there was a compliment in there somehow. I always found it frustrating, however, because here's a newsflash: you did meet someone just like me. ME. It doesn't get anymore me-like than yours truly.

After James died, the first guy I had a connection with, my dear widower friend, also told me he could see himself with someone like me someday. Being that he was grief-stricken, I didn't smack him or point out the obvious. If I remember correctly, and those early days are more than slightly hazy, when he said that I had to fight the urge to flee the room. However, the next time I talked to him, I did tell him I felt the same way-I do remember that. Now that the grief blinders aren't on nearly as tightly, I think we both know there's someone else out there for the both of us. I did have someone recently tell me when she met him (here for game night) she thought we were a couple because it was clear we had a deep appreciation for each other. I thought that was really sweet-and definitely true.

Back at the beginning of March, I met a guy at a Meetup event. I was talking to some woman and looked across the room and thought "oohh..who's that?" We ended up sitting next to each other for the event (comedy show) and then saw each other again a couple of days later at another event. We were having dinner and chatting and one second everything was fine but literally the next second my Spidey sense was on full alert. I never did figure out why but I know myself well enough to know if Spidey is activated, I need to listen!

Not long after that he started dating someone which did not work out. I was surprised (and leery) to get a random text from him one night at the end of April saying he would see me at an event the next day and that he was looking forward to the event. I had deleted him from my phone so I was mostly surprised he still had my number. (He was added back a couple of weeks after this happened. And then almost deleted again-twice).

The event ended up being a lot of fun but I didn't know at the time that he and the girl were no longer together though I kind of had a feeling that was the case based on something I partially overheard. It was confirmed the next weekend when we once again found ourselves at the same event and it came up in a conversation about dating.

Over the last couple of months, we have found ourselves signing up for a lot of the same events-we have several groups in common-to the point I gave him a hard time a couple of weeks ago for knowing my schedule better than I do. We haven't both made it to all the events we've signed up for-things come up, but we have been to quite a few. We did an event this past weekend that he suggested and I set up. We get along great-we have similar senses of humor so he definitely makes me laugh. He seems to enjoy being around me-and I do enjoy his company. He's a genuinely nice guy and as indicated by us signing up for the same events, we have similar interests. He's smart. He has dogs. And he's cute (damn-is he cute!). And he has a great voice. He called about an event the other night and listening to his message I found myself thinking how much I liked the tone of his voice. (It has not escaped my attention that the last guy whose voice I fell in love with I was planning to spend my life with). But he's made it pretty clear he's not interested and there just doesn't seem to be a spark there (which I think is what the Spidey sense was trying to say).

The last couple of times I've seen him, I have found myself thinking "I wish could meet someone just like him." (Oh, the irony). Which is followed up with: "Um, yeah, you kinda have." (Really? Spell check lets "kinda" slip but flags "colonoscopy"-which has nothing to do with this post-as spelled wrong?). So that is followed up with "Fine. I wish I could meet someone just like him but who's interested in me." Inner Heather can be such a pain at times.

I finally get it. And it's just as frustrating to be the one thinking it as it is to be the one hearing it.

"Tween"

2011-06-05T21:14:00.000-07:00

Tween: A child between the ages of 9 and 12. A tween is no longer a little child, but not a teenager.

Tweens are those young people in a transition stage. They are starting to become too cool for toys but aren't quite ready to give them up but they no longer fit in with the little kids. But they aren't grown-up enough for the big kids either so they don't fit in with them either. They don't really fit in anywhere except in their little tween world.

Recently, I was trying (unsuccessfully) to explain to one of my friends that I don't really feel like I fit in with the other members of one of the Meetup groups we both belong to. The group is for singles over 35 and at 37, I am usually the youngest one at our events-although I don't do much with this group. I was telling him I felt too young for that group. I also told him I keep telling people I'm 34 because I apparently don't remember how old I am. Of course, thirty-four is the age I was when my world came to an abrupt stop so I guess on some level I'm just trying to pick up where I left off. I went on to tell him that on the contrary to that group, I feel too old for the 20's and 30's group I am in as most of the members in that group are around 25.

I was having a hard time getting across what I was trying to say. It was a couple of days later that it dawned on me that it isn't so much a matter of age as it is circumstance. With the group of people over 35 (or the "singles pushing 50" as I like to call it), most of the members who regularly attend events are closer to 50 than 40, have ex-spouses to deal with as well as kids and in some cases grandkids. I feel too young for this group because I have none of these things. I have a dead guy on the dresser and two dogs. I don't have those grown-up responsibilities like they do-I'm not grown-up enough for the big kids.

On the other side, I'm past the "just graduated but holding on to my college ways" stage. I've done the first grown-up job thing. I've done the first long-term relationship and marriage thing they haven't. I'm well past the days of staying out until the wee hours of the morning and somehow managing to be awake for work at 8:00-and stay awake all day. (Not that I don't stay out too late on a school night more than I should, but I've really cut back on that). I'm too old to play with the little kids.

It dawned on me that at 37, I'm a tween. I still like to play but how I like to play has changed. But I don't have all the responsibilities of the big kids either. I'm stuck in the middle. I keep referring to this phase of my life as High School 2.0. Apparently, it's only Jr. High. Damn.

More of the Same

2011-05-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

Lately it seems I am having the same conversation over and over with different friends. No matter how it starts it always turns to dating and the same thing keeps becoming apparent: of all my single friends, I'm the only one who can't get a date. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong-or better yet, what is wrong with me. Because it is to the point where I really believe that is the case. I have read that when you are around someone you are attracted to, your pupils automatically dilate. So, I've been paying attention to the pupils of guys when I am around them. And what I have been noticing is if their pupils got any smaller, they wouldn't have them. Wow. I know I'm not a supermodel but I didn't think I was that hideous. I'm tired of feeling so damn ugly.

This sucks. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want it to be my turn.

Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield

2011-05-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

My latest theme song:

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

I'm anxiously awaiting to see how my next chapter is meant to be written.

Collision

2011-05-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

A few months after James died, I started a Meetup group for young widows and widowers. Around the same time, I joined Facebook. I did that because my Canadian friend "made" me. He did it in the form of a riddle-if I wanted to know what he looked like, that's what I had to do. Ironically, he's not a Facebook fan.

At first, I only accepted friend requests on Facebook from people I've known for a long time-close friends, family, classmates, etc. Facebook, for me, was a place where not everyone knew my story. For most people, I was just Heather. I was the girl they remembered from grade school, high school, college, our time in Arizona, etc. I was me again. And I liked it.

And then my widower friend sent me a friend request. I didn't know what to do about that; it would be an intersection of two parts of my life I was keeping separate-that I was compartmentalizing. I accepted the friend request; I then allowed other members of my widow/ers group become my Facebook friends as well. As I became close to the members of the fun Meetup group, I slowly started to "friend" them on Facebook as well. I let those two parts of my world collide. It's handy if I want to plan an event for just my friends instead of posting the event through Meetup. I have them all in the same place.

My widowed peeps group knows about my fun Meetup group; most of my friends in the fun group know about the other group. But they've always been two separate entities. Until now. At our last dinner, my widower friend, another member of the group and I decided we should have a karaoke night. We decided it should be posted for our group but also through Facebook to open it up to our other friends as well. We set it up for Friday night. I didn't know how this would turn out. Not everyone is comfortable hanging out with a group of grieving people. (They don't know our group!) On Facebook, I just said it was a night for friends.

The turnout consisted of myself and three others from the widowed peeps group, two friends of my widower friend and six friends from the fun Meetup group. We had a great time; I was happily surrounded by some of my favorite people.

I told my friend who helped create the fun group I never thought my Meetup worlds would collide. We've discussed my compartmentalizing my life. He gave me a kiss and said he didn't think he'd see it either. I'm glad it did. After all, we're all just people. Awesome ones at that.

Match

2011-05-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

Hello. My name is Heather and I'm addicted to online dating. Or, rather, not dating. I think I'm really just addicted to hope and when I see others around me have some measure of success, whether it leads to happily ever after or not, I think "well, hey, that can happen for me too." Except it never does.

Last month, I decided to try Match.com. I tried them about this time last year and my profile was rejected. But a couple of friends have been getting dates/girlfriends this way so I thought "hey, me too!" and signed up for a month. I figured having to pay for it would make it better. I was ready to be done after three days.

As the month went on, I continued to become more and more discouraged. My low number of profile views once again brought Dad back to the surface: "What's so wrong with you that you can't attract a man?" I don't know, Dad, wish I did.

In one month's time, my profile was viewed 222 times by 148 men. I know one of them viewed it about 5 times. One thing I don't like about Match is it shows you who viewed your profile but not when. And while it shows you who viewed you, it doesn't show you who you viewed. I know I viewed a couple more than once because I couldn't remember if I viewed them already or just made a mental note to view them. So, I don't know how many profiles I viewed but I know I didn't view all 148 who viewed me. Pretty much everyone said the same thing anyway. Almost everyone is athletic and toned, loves to work out and does so at least 5 times a week, doesn't smoke, is a social drinker, loves kids and the outdoors, doesn't watch TV and has at least one picture in which they are holding a fish. The good thing is they all like dogs. The weird thing is how many people from Meetup I recognized.

Of the 148 men who viewed me, 4 winked at me. The first was a 47-year-old whose profile says he's interested in someone who is 45-58. I am 37. At my co-worker's urging, I winked back. The next day his profile was no longer available.

The second was from a 49-year-old in the UK. My profile says I am looking for someone aged 30-44 within 50 miles of where I live. Which is not the UK or anywhere remotely close to it.

The third one I did email back and forth with a couple of times but his responses didn't really move conversation forward and it died out. He did "favorite" me but later unfavorited me.

The last was from someone who kind of creeped me out. I thanked him for the wink but said I didn't think we'd be a good match.

I sent 28 winks. Six of them viewed my profile. One sent me the generic "thanks, but no thanks" message. Two others sent the "thanks, but no thanks" message without viewing my profile.

Other than Wink #3, I did not receive e-mails from anyone but sent 14. Again, six members viewed my profile. One sent a "thanks, but no thanks." I e-mailed back and forth a couple of times with two others, but again, conversation died out. A fourth e-mailed me thanking me for sending a message of substance but said he was so discouraged with online dating that he was done pursuing it. He did not view my profile.

I don't know what normal is in terms of response, but I feel this isn't it. I was thinking about paying for a second month and putting up an identical profile of Plenty of Fish so I could compare the experience of a free vs a paid site but I don't think I am going to do this. Over the weekend, I stayed away from Match and didn't miss it. Instead I went out and had fun with my friends. A lot of fun. And that is what I need to be doing. The rest will come. If it's meant to. I snapped my fingers and willed someone to fall in love with me. He's cute, nice, he makes me laugh and he loves dogs; he has two. Wouldn't it be funny if of all things that actually worked?

He's Just Not That Into You

2011-05-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

He's just not that into you online:
He's just not that into you if he's not viewing your profile.
He's just not that into you if he's not winking at you after reading your profile.
He's just not that into you if he's not e-mailing you after reading your profile.
He's just not that into you if he doesn't view your profile after you wink at or email him after reading his profile.
He's just not that into you if he views your profile after you wink at or e-mail him but doesn't respond.
He's just not that into you if he views your profile after you wink at or e-mail him and he sends the generic "thanks, but no thanks" message.
He's just not that into you if you e-mail back and forth a few times and he lets it die out.

He's just not that into you offline:
He's just not that into you if he's not texting, calling, e-mailing, sending carrier pigeons, smoke signals, etc.
He's just not that into you if he's not responding to texts, calls, e-mails, carrier pigeons, smoke signals, etc.
He's just not that into you if he's engaging in playful banter but does not ask you out after a couple of days of said banter (especially true if he's already asked you out once and then cancelled. Not rescheduled. Outright cancelled).
He's just not that into you if he asks you out in a way that makes you feel he doesn't really want you to say "yes." (See above item. Still wondering what the point of that is).
He's just not that into you if he does initiate and/or respond to the above-mentioned forms of communication but never asks you on a date. (Even if he does hug and/or kiss you hello and good-bye at Meetup events. Especially a bummer if he's a good kisser).
He's just not that into you if he's dating someone else.
He's just not that into you if he's in love with someone else, even if she doesn't feel the same way.
He's just not that into you if you are sitting at home watching baseball (Go Braves!) while composing "he's just not that into you" lists.

It doesn't matter who "he" is. He's just not that into you if you are me.

How to Take One Half Hour to Light a Candle

2011-04-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of candles. I have a lot of candles because I buy them and then never burn them. I'm working on that. As I'm having a few friends over later, I decided this would be a really good day to burn my yummy blueberry muffin candle. It turns out last time I burned it, I burned it out. So I decided to light a different one. Half hour later, the new candle was lit. Here's how to take a half hour to light a candle:

*Take candle jar for old candle into kitchen to throw it away.
*Realize you still haven't had lunch and throw something in the microwave.
*Start putting away the dishes that are washed by hand.
*Stir frozen lunch concoction and put it back in microwave.
*Finish putting away dishes and towels they were drying on.
*Decide to re-purpose the candle jar and take it upstairs.
*Take out the recycling.
*Decide to go get sweater because running the ceiling fan to dry the shampooed carpet faster has made the living room cold.
*While upstairs, decide to change out of clothes worn to volunteer project.
*Throw clothes in the washer.
*Go down to car to get item of clothing to add to laundry in washer.
*Start the laundry.
*Find sweater.
*Eat lunch while watching "Rules of Engagement" (or other 1/2 hour show of choice).
*Pause TIVO'd show of choice to answer phone call from Guy Pal (or other friend).
*Start putting away dishes in dishwasher while on phone.
*Hang up and realize Lean Cuisines are more of a snack than a meal. Put bagel in toaster.
*Finish unloading dishwasher and reload if necessary.
*Eat bagel while finishing show.
*Realize you were going to light a candle.
*Light candle. (Bath and Body Works' Pomegranate Lemonade is today's choice).

And women wonder why we never get anything done!

Girl vs Qwest

2011-04-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

On the evening of April 4th, I was sitting here minding my own business, just watching "Celebrity Apprentice" and wondering what Lil Jon looks like without his sunglasses and why no one has smacked LaToya Jackson into next week when the doorbell rang. Normally, I don't answer it because it is most likely someone trying to sell me something I don't want or particularly need. But every now and then I think "What if it is a lost or hurt child and I don't answer?" So, I answered the door to find Cute Young Qwest Guy (CYQG) on my doorstep, who was here to convince me to bundle my services. (Dear Universe: Thank you for depositing a cute, single guy on my doorstep. I know beggars can't be choosers but next time if you could just make him about a decade older or at least old enough to rent a car, that would be awesome. Seriously. What am I supposed to do with a 23 year old?)

I was already thinking about bundling, but being the master procrastinator I am, I had just never gotten around to it. So this was very convenient for me. After convincing CYQG he could do much better than the girl he has a crush on and all the drama that comes with her, I agreed to bundle my services. Being that I already have Qwest for my home phone and DirecTV for my cable, the only thing I really agreed to was switching my Internet. Piece of cake, right?

Due to my schedule, I set it up to have them come out and switch over my Internet on 4/15. I made arrangements to work from home that morning so I could wait for the tech to arrive sometime between 8:00 and noon. I was lucky-the tech arrived around 10:00. It turns out he was unable to do the work-I was using a cable modem with Comcast and Qwest needed a phone jack. It turns out that my office is the only room in the house that did not have one. So I had to reschedule the install. The tech said he would take care of that.

On Tuesday, the 19th, I hadn't heard anything about rescheduling, so I called to do it myself. I was told the appointment had been rescheduled on Friday and was scheduled for 8:00 - noon on Thursday the 21st. Um, okay. And you were going to tell me this when? So I explained I had to work on the 21st but had the 22nd off and asked if it could be switched. After a brief wait, I was assured the appointment had been changed.

When I got home on Wednesday after a belated birthday dinner with a dear friend and her family, I had a message waiting for me on my voicemail. It was from Qwest calling to confirm my appointment for Thursday the 21st. Of course, at 10:00 at night, I couldn't exactly do anything about this, but my hope was that it just didn't get changed in their system as to when the automatic reminder was supposed to go out. Yeah, not so much.

I called bright and early Thursday morning and explained that I had called Tuesday to change the appointment but got an automatic reminder on Wednesday and just wanted to confirm I was on the schedule for Friday. I was cheerfully informed I was on the schedule for Thursday. I explained that didn't work for me and needed to know if I could move the appointment to Friday. She was able to do that for me and then asked if she could help me with anything else. I told her no and that I wasn't happy. I said that they had come out on the 15th like they were supposed to and I appreciated him being on time. I said that I understood that it's not Qwest's fault and they had no control over where the builder did or did not put phone jacks in my house. But what I couldn't understand was why when the appointment was rescheduled no one from Qwest thought it was necessary or could be bothered to call and let me know and when I did call to reschedule how the change did not make it to their system. I ended by saying that not one but two failures to communicate in one week was simply unacceptable. She said she'd make notes to my account as to what had been going on.

I came home around 1:00 for lunch and to let the dogs out and lo and behold, had a notice on the door saying I had missed the Qwest technician. The number on the notice was not one I had called before so when I got back to work I called to verify I was on the schedule for Friday. She looked up my account and said it showed I called that morning to change it. I corrected her that I had actually called Tuesday and had to call back that morning because I was at work and could not be at home to wait for them. She verified I was on the schedule for Friday. Then she said there was a note that the tech was going to try to swing back by Thursday afternoon to see if he could just get the job done that day if that would work for me. Big sigh. "I. Am. At. Work. I cannot be at home today. So no. That will not work for me." She took me out of the rotation for Thursday.

Friday morning, I got a call around 8:30 that I was first on the list and the tech would be at my house in about 20 minutes. "Great!" I thought, "they are making up for pissing me off." And then the tech arrived. He said he was here to install my Internet for me. "You're installing a phone jack, right?"

"If you need me to. Do you need me to install one?"

"Yes. That is why the work couldn't be done last week."

"Someone was here to do this last week?"

Sigh. The good news is the install went quickly and efficiently and I now have wireless Internet in my house. (Yea!) Yesterday, I was able to do something I have not been able to do for 5 1/2 years: watch a ball game and do genealogy research at the same time. I love that! (Other than the whole pain in the ass ancestors who don't want to be found part). I don't have to choose between my hobbies anymore. It almost makes up for the frustration of all the miscommunication of my teleCOMMUNICATIONs company. Almost. But not quite.

Dream

2011-03-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday morning my good friend called me first thing in the morning. She'd had a dream she wanted to tell me about. It was about James.

She and I were at a rental place hanging out with some of our friends. My friend noticed that James was there and pointed him out to me. I told her that every year about a week before the anniversary of his death, he came back. She asked if I told him what happens. I told her I tell him to go to the doctor. She said "you know, you can fix this." My response was that he's gone again on the 6th and then I have to wait a year before I get another chance to tell him.

The scene shifted and we were in a parking lot. I was looking for my car and taking my time because there were a lot of spiders and spiderwebs in the parking lot. My friend was with James, who was dancing around acting like the life of the party that he was. He was happy, had his hair short and was wearing the overalls he had used for his redneck Halloween costume in 2006. She told him to go to the doctor. James told her I already made him go. She said he needed to have an angiogram; he said he didn't need that because he was healthy but agreed to an EKG. She told him that wasn't enough; there was something wrong with his heart and he needed more tests. She told him he was going to think she was insane but he died from a heart attack and had been coming back every year the week before the anniversary of his death but he could go and get it fixed so the cycle stopped happening. He looked at her like she was crazy and asked "I died and I come back every year?" She repeated he needed to go get it fixed and if he couldn't do that then he needed to do a better job of giving us signs and he needed to talk to me.

She was talking quickly because I was coming back over to where they were. I told them I couldn't find the car. My friend told me that if he got it fixed everything would be gone. I asked her what she meant by that. She told me that the new life I have built for myself, all the things I've done, all the new friends I made would no longer exist-that it never would have. "Huh" was all I said and she woke up.

Huh, indeed.

To the Left

2011-03-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

In 2006, right after I turned 32 I told James I needed something to change. He thought I was talking marriage and children, but I wasn't. It felt like I was hearing story after story about all my friends' travel adventures and all we ever used our vacation time for was to move/settle in or to visit sick family members or attend their funerals. I wanted us to start having real vacations too. I wanted my own travel stories and adventures.

We did some research and decided to take a cruise in January 2007. We decided January would be a good time to go somewhere tropical to escape the dreariness of the Northwest. At the time, I was working for a company with a fiscal year end so there was no rush of work to prepare for the auditors like there tends to be with companies with a calendar year end so getting time off then wouldn't be a problem for me. (I ended up changing jobs in September and going to a company that has a 12/31 year end and participates in CES, so no more early-January vacations for me. So worth it to have to pick one of the other 11 months to no longer be miserable at the office!) We decided on a cruise as it would allow us to see a few places instead of just one and decide if there were any of them we liked well enough to go back to for a full on vacation at a later date (kind of like on-location vacation research).

One of the stops on our cruise was Ochoa Rios, Jamaica. We had been doing one of the excursions offered at each stop and then exploring on our own. We decided to swim with dolphins for our Jamaican excursion. We were in a small group made up of passengers from a few different cruises. Two of the others in the group were from our ship: a woman about my age and her mother. The daughter ended up standing/floating next to James when we all got in the water. After we were all lined up (the best we could be given that it's really hard to form a straight line in water) we were told to move a little to the left. At the time, Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" was still popular and being told to move to the left caused James and the daughter to both start singing "to the left, to the left"-the opening lyrics to the song.

Ocho Rios was at the beginning of the cruise. From then on, whenever we saw the mother and daughter from the excursion on the ship, we would exclaim "Dolphin Buddies!!" and James and/or the daughter would sing "to the left, to the left." I heard this song the other day and was taken back to the only real vacation we ever got to have. It's funny the lasting impression people can have on your life even if they only pass through it. Wherever they are now, I hope our dolphin buddies are happily loving life.

Meeting My Match

2011-03-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

During my last attempt at online dating, I had a match I recognized from Meetup. Though we have a group in common, I had never met him. Guy Pal knows him though and thought we should meet. The match agreed and then immediately blocked my profile. When the subject came up again between the two of them and he said he'd meet me, Guy Pal asked why he blocked me and was told Match didn't think we'd be a good fit. So I told Guy Pal I didn't want to meet him-that I didn't want to waste my time with someone whose actions indicated he wasn't interested when I could do something else with that time and potentially meet someone who did think I was awesome. I told Guy Pal that if I was meant to meet the match, I would eventually run into him at a Meetup event. What I didn't tell him was how much this had hurt. Guy Pal really didn't do a good job of selling him to me!

A week ago Friday, there was a comedy club event for our mutual group. I don't do much with this group-there are other groups I feel I am a better fit with-but I love stand up comedy, and I especially love it when the ticket is free. I was in a funk, so while I didn't really want to drive downtown, I didn't want to stay home either. So I decided to put myself on the waiting list and let fate decide my plans for the evening. When I logged in to the site, I saw that my match had added himself to the wait list about an hour before. "Great," I thought. "Now it is going to look like I only added myself because he did." So I waited a couple of hours before adding myself as well. Around 4:00, I got the e-mail that a spot had opened up and I was in.

When I arrived, the only other member of the group was also named Heather. We were soon joined by a gal I will call Jane. Others arrived and before long, the entire group was congregated in the bar area. The match was there. We have the same pictures for Ok Cupid and Meetup so it wasn't hard to recognize each other. I'd glance at him and catch him glancing at me, but neither of us made an attempt to speak to the other. I actually felt pretty awkward about the whole thing. Here I was standing about 15 feet from someone who had agreed to meet me and rejected me in the span of an hour. So I continued to chat with those around me. And then I heard Jane say we were making it easy because there were two Heathers and two oh, let's just call them Joe. She pointed out the other Heather and then me. So I shook his hand and told him it was nice to meet him. And then I chitchatted with the two of them for a few minutes about superficial nonsense like not being a morning person and single-handedly keeping Starbucks in business. He laughed a couple of times, but I found the whole encounter to be anti-climatic. I'm sure part of that was due to him having already rejected me but part of it was because as Guy Pal predicted, I really did not find him physically attractive.

After what I thought was a respectable amount of time of playing nicely, I pointed out Jane had mentioned there were two Joes and asked who the other one was. She pointed him out and I casually nodded and said "Oh, okay." It was nice to have a name to go with the face I'd been sneaking peeks at since he arrived. He's pretty dang cute! Original Joe drifted off to check his phone and I went back to the conversation I was not really a part of before deciding to be the bigger person and play nicely.

Before long, it was time to go into the theater. Our group was large enough that we had three tables. I was one of the first to enter the theater and after doing this twice, I have learned to sit on the side of the table facing the stage. On the other side, you turn your chair around and it's hard to hold on to your plate to finish your dinner when you are laughing hysterically. So I took a "smart" seat. Cute Joe ended up sitting next to me. (Yea!) We talked a bit before the show started and I thought he was pretty nice. And cute. After the show was over, he shook my hand and said it was nice to meet me. I found myself thinking he had "thick" hands. I said it was nice to meet him too, and then we turned to talk to other people.

Some of the group were going out afterward. We both had reasons we had to get up early on Saturday so we declined to go. As I was walking toward my car, he was talking to another guy from the group. He took a slight step forward and said again that is was nice to meet me and he'd see me at the next event. I smiled and said "absolutely" and went on my way. A good friend had surgery that morning and another friend had sent me a text during the show asking if I knew how it went, so I wanted to get to a spot where I could call her and let her know our friend was okay.

When I went to rate the event on Saturday, I saw that another gal had posted a greeting for him that it was nice to meet him and that he had returned the greeting. "Okay, whatever." I thought. What's meant to be will happen, I decided. I'd been thinking about e-mailing him a followup to something we'd been talking about but had decided against it. But then on Sunday, I changed my mind and decided to send him the link after all (ironically, it was on how to receive less email from Meetup and I was sending it to him via his Meetup profile). But before I could, a nasty storm blew through and when the power started to flicker, I decided to shut down the computer to protect it. And when the storm was over, the computer would not come back up. I decided to try it once more before I went to bed and this time, it decided to cooperate. So I sent a very simple message that it was nice to meet him, the link to the discussion on how to cut back on Meetup email and said I hoped to see him again at another event. He responded a couple of hours later that it was nice to meet me too, and that it looked like he'd be seeing me again at another event the following day (last Monday). It was pizza and a movie and we had our choice of three movies. He said which movie he was going to-the only one of the three he hadn't seen, which was also the only one I hadn't seen either. He said he was going to go a bit early to grab a bite to eat and gave me his phone number in case I wanted to meet him. He also posted the same thing to the event page, without the phone number. I responded I would meet him and gave him my number as well.

We ended up being the only two to meet for dinner and when I saw him, I found myself thinking once again he was really cute. I found conversation flowed easily. He has a sense of humor, likes dogs (has a couple) and did I mention he's not hard to look at? I was surprised when I looked down to see we were about to miss the start of the movie. But there was something about all this that put my Spidey sense on full alert. Nothing I can put my finger on but partway through dinner, one second everything was fine. And then, no. He didn't say or do anything I can recall but all of a sudden I just felt something was off. That I needed to not walk, but run. He was nice-he was respectful. It was dark when the movie ended and I was parked a couple of blocks away so he walked me to my car. He asked for a hug-he'd seen me hugging everyone else, but didn't just assume he could have one too and when he did hug me, it was just a half hug.

I saw him again on Wednesday for a night walk. We were the first two there and ended up parking next to each other. Again, my first thought upon seeing him was that he's really good looking. But my guard was up. We started the walk out talking to each other-again no problems with conversation. We stopped to listen to a group of drummers and my taking pictures resulted in us walking with other people once we got going again. That was fine-I have found that on these walks you end up walking with several people when all is said and done. After the walk, we walked back to our cars and he started his while we were chitchatting. And it died. So I waited with him for the tow truck driver. We sat in my car while we waited-it was cold and rainy. He asked first to make sure I was comfortable with that and I was fine with it. I didn't feel I was in any danger from him, so that's not it. We passed the time looking up various things on our phones which was a lot more fun than it sounds. When the tow truck driver arrived, I was surprised by how quickly he'd gotten there, although it was actually a little over a half hour. I was smiling when I left, but still there was that niggle.

When I checked my e-mail on Thursday morning, I had a nice message thanking me for waiting with him. I responded to it and got response a couple of hours later. We exchanged a couple of emails back and forth on Thursday and Friday. His last message contained a variation of a phrase I have only ever heard James use. At first I thought nothing of it. I spent 8 years hearing it, so it was normal. And then when I re-read the message, it dawned on me that was not normal. That was a "James thing." That was unsettling. Very unsettling-as in I want to grab him by the collar and ask him why, of all things, he chose that phrase. I responded to his message (did not say anything about that) prior to leaving work on Friday. And I have heard nothing more from him since then.

Logically, I know this shouldn't be a big deal. I am a big believer in Spidey sense. I hate not knowing what sets it off but I know if it does, I need to listen. And Spidey sense is definitely tripped. So I should be relieved. He and I RSVP'd for a couple of events that were posted earlier today so I know he's still alive. (Gee, paranoid much?) But I'm not relieved. I'm disappointed. I've checked my email about 15 times since I started this to see if I have a message from him (can we say "obsessive?"). I'm still bothered but there are some things I can't ignore. He moved here on my birthday. He's from James' hometown. He likes dogs. He has a great sense of humor. He seems to like the same type of events as I do since we keep signing up for the same things. He doesn't have baby mama drama. He does drive a crappy company car, but that's not really his fault. He's polite and respectful of boundaries. And he's the right body type of the man from my glimpse-the one I didn't get to see but rather sensed, other than his hands, which were thick. He was wearing baggy black pants the night we met, but not a light brown fishing vest jacket.

I should delete his number because I'm tempted to send him a text and ask if the car survived its "surgery." But I made the last move; the ball is in his court and it looks like that's where it is going to stay. Just once, I'd like for someone who turns my head to actually be interested, not just being nice. Or at least be nice long enough so I can figure out what tripped the Spidey sense. Just once, I want to be the one that gets to say "Um, thanks but no thanks." Actually, what I'd really like is to just meet Mystery Husband #2 already and be done with this crap. Because so far this trying to meet him thing is so not my idea of a good time.

Last Song

2011-03-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

Part of why I decided to play along with the Facebook song challenge is because music was a big part of my and James' life. He loved to sing-he lettered in choir in high school and had a great voice. I love to sing as well. I don't have a great voice. I am tone deaf and have a flat voice. But James loved me so he tolerated my occasional need to belt one out. Charlie tolerates it as well. Sammy usually sighs heavily and leaves the room.

When I was doing the song challenge, there were a lot of songs that reminded me of him-those I specifically chose and a few I didn't, like using "Kiss Me" for the song I want played at my wedding. That was for the wedding I was supposed to have; not for the one I will still hopefully have some day. And there were songs I chose that were just special to me-songs he was not a part of my life for, like my favorite song, the song from my childhood, and of course, my prom theme.

There was one song I had a really hard time with, and that is the song I want played at my funeral. I thought I wanted "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, but when I listened to it, I decided it didn't really fit after all. And then I thought maybe "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. I think I would like this played if I die young. It will be my way of telling those I leave behind to choose to live life to the fullest because you don't get to know how long you get to have. Apparently, I plan to boss people around even after I'm gone. I actually Googled popular funeral songs for assistance, though I did ultimately come up with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on my own. It got me thinking though. What was the last song James heard? What was on the radio as he was crossing the bridge unknowingly taking his last breath? Just one more question I'll never know the answer to. I hope it was one he loved.

Song Challenge

2011-03-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

A little over a month ago, one of my sorority sisters and former roommate when we moved to Portland after graduation tagged me in a note on Facebook. I normally don't read notes I've been tagged in-the truth is I'm not overly Facebook savvy. But, I read this one. It was a month long song challenge, in which we were to post the link to a YouTube video every day for 30 days with each day being a different theme. I like challenges, so I decided to play along. Here are my songs and the comments I made about them:

Day 1: My favorite song: "Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera. I was going to marry Ralph Macchio when I grew up. I guess he didn't get the memo.
Day 2: My least favorite song: "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin. I find this song so annoying I can't listen to more than about 5 seconds of it.
Day 3: A song that makes me happy: "Chattahoochee" by Alan Jackson. I cannot resist singing along to this one, which is really unfortunate for those who are in attendance on the rare occasions I feel brave enough to do karaoke.
Day 4: A song that makes me sad: "100 Years" by Five for Fighting. It was a toss up between this and "What Might Have Been" by Little Texas. Both make me sad, but this one makes me tear up every time I hear it.
Day 5: A song that reminds me of someone: "Life is a Highway" by Tom Cochrane. For James-who loved life more than anyone I've ever known and who didn't get to experience it nearly long enough.
Day 6: A song that reminds me of somewhere: "Cheeseburger in Paradise" by Jimmy Buffet. Why yes, I have had a cheeseburger in paradise. It was at the Margaritaville in Ocho Rios, Jamaica, January 2007.
Day 7: A song that reminds me of a specific event: "Forever Young" by Alphaville. Because no music list is complete if it doesn't include the theme from your senior prom.
Day 8: A song you know all the words to: "Bust a Move" by Young M.C. "This here's a tale for all the fellows..."
Day 9: A song I can dance to: "Electric Slide" by Marcia Griffiths. Thanks to the line dance class I took last summer, I can finally do the "Electric Slide," which always makes me think of my AGD sisters. :)
Day 10: A song I can fall asleep to: "Only Time" by Enya. This is a great background song for a lazy, rainy afternoon spent on the couch dozing off from reading a good book. (I always fall asleep when I read). (Side note: This and "Life is a Highway" were the two songs played on James' memorial DVD).
Day 11: A song by my favorite band: "Rockstar" by Nickelback. Who doesn't want to be a rock star?
Day 12: A song from a band I hate: "Only Wanna Be with You" by Hootie and the Blowfish. Hate is a strong word but I could never get into Hootie. Interestingly, I love Darius Rucker's "History in the Making."
Day 13: A guilty pleasure: "Oops...I did it again" by Britney Spears. I might actually lose friends over this one.
Day 14: A song no one would expect me to love: "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem. Normally, I find him obnoxious, which I think most people would expect from me!

Day 15: A song that describes me: "Maybe" by Sick Puppies. I heard this song for the first time the day my friend posted the song challenge and could really relate to it. Had I not chosen this one, I would have gone with "Ready to Love Again," by Lady Antebellum.
Day 16: A song I used to love but now I hate: "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" by the Georgia Satellites.
Day 17: A song I hear often on the radio: "Collide" by Howie Day. I only listen to the radio in the car these days, but I use Rhapsody at work. I hear this song all the time because I constantly feel the need to play it.
Day 18: A song I wish I heard more often on the radio: "The Rose" by Bette Midler. I always forget how much I absolutely love this song-until I listen to it.
Day 19: A song from my favorite album: "Gotta Be Somebody" by Nickelback. There is not a song on Nickelback's "Dark Horse" album I don't like. Love this one! (And I can relate to it!)
Day 20: A song I listen to when I'm angry: "1-2-3-4 (Sumpin' New)" by Coolio. I bust out the gangsta rap when I'm trying to get out of a bad mood. A little Coolio followed by a little Snoop usually does the trick.
Day 21: A song I listen to when I am happy: "1985" by Bowling for Soup. I love to rock out to this one!
Day 22: A song I listen to when I am sad: "I Know You're Out There Somewhere" by the Moody Blues. Not long after James died, I woke up one morning with this song going through my head.
Day 23: A song I want played at my wedding: "God Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts. I can only hope this broken road I've been forced to travel is leading to something wonderful.
Day 24: A song I want played at my funeral: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo'ole. I've always loved this song and especially this version of it.
Day 25: A song that makes me laugh: "Toast" by Heywood Banks. I get a giggle out of this every time I hear it.
Day 26: A song I can play: "Heart and Soul" - Theme song from the movie "Big." I would need a refresher lesson and a partner, but I think I can still do this one.
Day 27: A song I wish I could play: "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by Charlie Daniels. In my fantasy world, I totally rock this song. In reality, I've never even touched a fiddle.
Day 28: A song that makes me feel guilty: "Follow Me" by Uncle Kracker. It's probably not a good thing to love a song about adultery.
Day 29: A song from my childhood: "The Rainbow Connection" from "The Muppet Movie." I remember learning this in grade school along with "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead." I want to say it was 2nd grade.
Day 30: My favorite song this time last year: "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum.

I would love to have this list analyzed to see what it says about me other than I like a wide variety of music.

Cleaning out the back room

2011-03-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

When we moved into this house, one of the bedrooms (the "back bedroom") was designated as the exercise room/library. Yeah, it's a weird combination but it just worked out that way in terms of where the furniture would fit. After James died, I gave my desk to a friend so now all the books are in the office, which makes a lot more sense.

Last November when I decided to paint my bedroom, I packed up all the knick-knacks and whatnot from the bedroom and put it in the back bedroom. This was the start of that room slowly becoming used for storage. (Which has been great because I hate to exercise and couldn't get to the exercise equipment anymore). But I'm starting to have more social events at my house and as a result bought a second folding table and a bunch of chairs and I need somewhere to store them. I don't want to keep them in the garage so I decided it was time to clean out the back bedroom. I hadn't committed myself to doing anything yesterday, so I decided that would be a good time to get it done.

The starting point!

Some of it was pretty easy: the magazines I've been planning to get around to reading for up to 5 years now have been put in the recycling bin. The magazines that aren't quite that old that I'm still deluding myself I am going to read someday are now in neat stacks in the closet instead of strewn out on the floor. The magazine rack has been dismantled; the dowels are now in the craft/guest room and the rest is in the recycle bin (you never know when you are going to need a bunch of dowels). The stack of boxes I had accumulated because they might be the perfect size to mail something in someday are now either nicely shelved in the closet or in the recycling bin. The "Sweet Valley High" books my brother brought over (they had been at Dad's) last summer are now on my bookshelves and the other books I enjoyed in junior high are in a stack to go to Schoolhouse Supplies for another young girl to enjoy. Dad's trumpet is in the closet; the paperwork that was in the box is filed. (And now the large box my brother and I keep pawning off on each other is empty and can go back to him...ha ha ha...) The shoe cabinet that was only effective until the dogs figured out they could get into it is ready to go to Goodwill, as is the first ever laptop bag ever made and a bunch of old cassette tapes that belonged to James. The box of a bazillion keys that belonged to my father-in-law that no one will ever know what they go to, nor has anyone asked about in the 5 years since he passed away have been tossed. A lot of the stuff was in the craft/guest room to begin with but had been relocated when I actually had guests, so a lot of cleaning out the back room translated to moving it all back into the craft/guest room. I will not be having guests in there anytime soon!

It took a couple of hours of sorting and several trips to the recycling bin for me to get to the last of the boxes, and as I did, I found myself filled with the desire to just not finish. So I took a break and went to get a pizza. I think the fine folks at Papa Murphy's would appreciate it if I'd either actually order the Veggie Delight as is or stop telling them I want the Veggie Delight and then creating something that in no way resembles their idea of the Veggie Delight.

Progress!

After lunch, I still didn't want to finish but I knew I had to. I was down to the hard part: the box of things from James' desk that were given to me by his employer after he died and the boxes of knick-knacks that I had put in the back bedroom so I could paint. What to do with these things?! I started with the box of things from his desk. Some was obvious: the lint roller and dental floss I put away in the bathroom. The bubbles, the Barrel of Monkeys and the Yo-Yo I put with the rest of the games. The clock radio, fake bling, Sumi-e board and the Santa that I'm assuming sings and dances when it has batteries I put in the box for Goodwill. The miscellaneous information about benefits I recycled. That left his nameplate, the birthday card my mom sent him that plays "You Can't Touch This" and the Transformers I gave him for what turned out to be his last birthday.

The boxes from the bedroom were not as easy. They mostly contained memorabilia from the cruise we took in 2007, and other small gifts we had given each other over the years. My plan had been to put a shelf up in the bedroom and put these things on it, but because I excel at procrastination, this never happened. And now I had a decision to make. The leftover items from his desk went into the box, except for the Transformers. I might take those to work. So did the vase of fake carnations he got me early on in our relationship that he would occasionally spray with his aftershave. The stuffed dog I got him early on went into the box as well. He wanted a dog and was having a bad day so I got him one. The poems we wrote to each other for Valentine's Day 2000-a little over a month after we started dating are in the box. I laughed when he handed me the poem-it actually hurt his feelings a bit, but what he didn't know was I was laughing because we had come up with the same gift for each other and I was relieved because I was afraid he'd think my writing him a poem was lame. The blown glass paperweight we saw being made that I went back to get him is also in the box. The paper from Sacramento that has his obituary is in the box; so is "Casino"-the stuffed rabbit I won at Circus Circus in Reno. The Ziplock bag with his PJ top is in there-I had just done laundry a few days before he died so I didn't really have anything that smelled like him. Most of the things we picked up on the cruise are in there too; the magnets are on the fridge and the pottery is going on a shelf in the craft/guest room. I decided to start collecting small pieces whenever I travel so while that started with him, it isn't exclusive to him. I added to my collection when I went to Mexico in 2009. The doll I bought in Haiti will go in there too, as will the Phoenix Suns rally monkey he bought me because he had to go to a game to schmooze prospective clients and felt bad I didn't get to go. The plastic cup we swiped from the ship, our Sea Passes and the little souvenir cup James got from trying the drink special the one night we ate in the formal dining room are also in the box. On the very top of the box is the picture that was taken of us on the cruise in our formal wear the night he proposed; it's the closest thing we ever had to an engagement picture.

It felt so weird and so final to pack up all these things which seems silly. For one thing, they were already boxed up. For another thing, it's not like I took them to a storage facility far away. They are in the closet in the back bedroom-I can go open the box whenever I feel like it. I think what it boils down to is when I packed them up the first time, it was intended to be temporary, but packing them up this time was meant so I could have closure so I can continue to move forward with my life. Life, I have decided, would be so much easier if death came with an instructional manual.

Overall, I feel good about having the room cleaned out. It's nice to have at least one room in this house tidy and organized! The downside is I now have no excuse not to exercise. I really didn't think that part through.

Wow! I can take a picture from the other side of the room!

The box my brother WILL see again. (Sammy not included).

Hope from an unlikely source

2011-03-06T16:25:00.000-08:00

In the late 1940's, my paternal grandparents were married. For some reason, their wedding announcement isn't in my genealogy book for that line of my family, but I want to say they married in 1948. They remained married until my grandfather's untimely death at the age of 49 in 1967-seven years before I was born.

I have always known that my dad lost his father when he was only 16 but it wasn't something we ever really talked about. I've also always known that while Grandma never remarried, for the longest time she had a boyfriend. I never met him as we lived on opposite coasts, but she had a lot of stories involving him and she spoke very highly of him-which is not something I can say she did in regards to very many people!

The other night I was at a Meetup event and the subject of wedding dresses came up. I mentioned I have my grandma's wedding dress and it was funny because she said it was well preserved but after she died, I found it balled up in a duffel bag. My friend laughed and asked if my grandparents had remained married saying that if they had gotten divorced, she could see that as a reason to ball up the dress. I replied that they had remained married but my grandma was widowed young.

My grandma was widowed young. Just like me. I never put that together until Friday night-maybe because she died before James. Or maybe because it's hard to picture that she was ever young. She was 46 when Grandpa died. I wish I could have talked to her about it and how she got through it. Because she did get through it. She was a strong, proud, "take no prisoners," formidable woman. And she found love again. I like to think I'm a strong, proud woman too. And now I have hope that just maybe I will find love again someday. Just like her.

Trust

2011-02-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

Trust is an interesting thing. It's vital to any successful relationship, be it a parent/child, friendship or romantic partnership. It often takes time to build and can easily be crushed in a heartbeat. For me, I lost the ability to trust in life the moment Dr. Way Too Chipper told me James was gone. How do you trust again when everything you knew to be true was gone in the blink of an eye?

I wasn't a very trusting person before. I'm slow to trust but very loyal once I do trust someone. I am finding it so hard to trust an anything now, however, even three years after James' death. I'm trying but I'm still afraid this new life I have built for myself will also be gone in a blink of an eye and I'm just not sure I can handle that happening again. But living in fear is no way to live either.

Lately though, something strange has been happening. I let Guy Pal drive James' car (with me in it, of course). Actually, it isn't so much me letting him as much as it is he somehow manages to commandeer it and I don't stop him. I don't know that I'd let him drive my Lancer, however, but I wouldn't even let James drive it and I was going to marry him. (His driving scared the crap out of me. I once asked if he had a death wish, it was so bad. Kind of ironic he had his heart attack while driving home). Last weekend, Guy Pal hosted a fundraising dinner for another friend of ours at my house. I had a volunteer project so I just gave him the garage code so he could start cooking. I gave him access to my house with me not home and didn't think twice about it. Saturday evening, we made plans to go see a matinee on Sunday. I woke up yesterday and realized I didn't know what we were seeing-we'd talked about a couple of movies we both wanted to see and he just picked one.

I trust him. It's scary but also a good thing. It's good to know I still have that capability-that maybe I'm not completely broken after all. But at the same time, there is a part of me that wants to push him away-to keep him at an arm's length. I was telling my widower friend about this and how fragile it feels. But it's also encouraging. Maybe if I can get to the point of trusting someone new in my life with my (larger) material possessions, one day I will be able to trust someone with my heart.

Un-frickin'-believable

2011-02-28T20:32:00.000-08:00

Last spring (April 24th to be exact), I met he who is now known as No Longer New Guy (NLNG for short). I then proceeded to drive everyone nuts for 6 months until I walked away for good. I knew it wasn't going anywhere early on but I was afraid no one would ever be interested in me again and even more illogical than that, every time I asked for a sign as to what was meant to be, he'd pop up in some way, shape or form. It could have been a couple of months since I last heard from or saw him, I'd ask for a sign and a couple of hours later literally run into him at a crowded concert in the park. Or he'd call me to see if I was free the next day. My co-worker was starting to wonder if he had me microchipped as it happened every single time without fail.

Finally in September, I realized just how much I would be settling if I kept this up when I realized my male friends treated me better than he ever did. This has become my new standard dating measurement should I ever date again. I decided it would be better to be alone for the rest of my life-a fear I have long had-than settle for someone who quite frankly pissed me off more than anything. I've had moments of doubt-mainly wondering if someone else was going to come along, but when I saw him across the room in December and the sight of him made me want to throw up (and not in the good "the captain of the football team just asked me to prom" sort of way-my other standard dating measurement), I knew I was better off with him not in my life.

I don't know if I was dreaming about something difficult or what the deal was but I woke up teary on Friday morning. I'd gotten into a disagreement with Guy Pal earlier in the week, which I'm not used to, and hadn't really been in contact with him since then. (I spent most of the weekend hanging out with him). I was also going to see the guy I am attracted to with the girl he's dating (I have now confirmed that is still on) at an event later that night and while I knew I needed to see them together to get it through my thick skull he's not interested in me, part of me was dreading it at the same time (it was fine).

So on my way to work I was crying. I prayed that my friendship with Guy Pal wasn't over (I really need to get over my fear that every bump in the road means that person has decided to walk out of my life!). I prayed that I would be able to stop crying before the event that night as it was supposed to be a fun thing (it was). And I prayed to please, please, please let there be someone out there for me.

When I got to work and pulled up Rhapsody, the first song to come on was "Don't Give Up on Love" by Tommy Page. I thought that was interesting-the songs by Tommy Page have been erroring out for the last several months and not playing. But I also took it as a sign that maybe there is still reason to hope.

Later that afternoon, I decided to see if there had been any changes to who had RSVP'd for that evening's festivities. I logged on to Meetup five minutes after someone with the same name as NLNG joined one of the Meetup groups I belong to. The profile picture is that of a cat. I told myself it's a common name and he doesn't have a cat. My instincts were screaming "Oh, HELL no." I pulled up the profile. His hobbies (or rather hobby) is the same as NLNG, as his is birth month. I clicked on pictures, already knowing what I was going to find.

Why does he always pop up like this? I don't believe in coincidence and I am NOT amused. The good news is I don't do a lot with this group so it should be pretty easy to avoid him if I decide I really don't want to see him-a decision I've already made.

This moment brought to you by Young MC

2011-02-23T20:54:00.000-08:00

"This here's a tale for all the fellows, trying to do what those ladies tell us. Get shot down if your overzealous, play hard to get females get jealous..."

I could go on. Really I could. But I won't. Well, I'll probably have that song stuck in my head again so it's a good thing I like it.

A couple of weeks ago, my sorority sister and former roommate posted a note on her Facebook page and tagged me in it. It was a 30-day song challenge in which you post a YouTube video of a different song every day. There's a "theme" for each day so there's some structure to it. I decided to play along; quite frankly, I needed something fun and (sort of) challenging to do, and I am having fun with this so far.

The theme for Day 8 was "a song I know all the words to." So I posted the video for Young MC's "Bust a Move." I had already used my fave song (Day 1 "Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera) and this was a fun song choice that I thought would be unexpected coming from me. It was, as one of my widow friends posted a comment questioning whether or not I really know all the words and saying she thought I should bust it out at dinner the next night. That would be the monthly dinner for my widow/ers Meetup group.

I have a really hard time turning down a challenge (case in point: my week long challenge of not eating meat has now lasted for almost 3 months). And you only live once. So after dinner, I queued up the song on my cell phone (turns out I have a YouTube app) and handed her the phone. I could hear the music but not Young MC rapping it. Five innocent children and one widower were traumatized by my performance. (I'm pretty sure the children will bounce back. Not so sure about my poor widower friend). Word on the street is there's video of part of it. What happens at widow/er dinners...

And people think all we do at these dinners is sit around and cry.

More on Dating

2011-02-23T20:39:00.000-08:00

I've had dating on my mind a lot lately. (And the understatement of the year award goes to...). It's a frustrating process and one where it is very easy to get dejected, especially if that is your tendency to begin with. The bottom line, however, is that I want to find love again someday and I'd like an engagement that ends with a wedding instead of a funeral (novel concept, I know). I like to think that's what James would want for me too, but to be honest, I have days when I'm not so sure that even in Heaven where everything is supposed to be different, that won't break his already broken heart. And I'm sure that on some level I allow that to hold me back.

While this hasn't been fun by any means, it hasn't been all bad either. I'm learning what it is I'm looking for, for one thing. And the kicker is it's the last thing I was expecting. I spent the last couple of years saying I don't think I could date someone else that was like James. But as I've met people and have done the mental processing of whether or not they would be dating potential, I have come to realize I want a dorky man's man with a kick-ass sense of humor. I want a geek who makes me laugh like no other and will take me to the occasional ball game. In short, I want someone like James. I mentioned this to a widower friend the other day and he said it made sense. Inherently, we have a type and for he and I, our types are James and his late wife. The person I find myself drawn to these days is a very interesting dynamic for me. He couldn't be any more different from James, yet any more like him at the same time. I'm like a moth to a flame when it comes to him. So it's probably a good thing he's currently dating someone. I think. I'm a little unclear on that. I just know there's a girl he really likes and it isn't me.

I'm also realizing that I still have boundaries set up. A fellow widow recently made the comment that she wants a relationship, but not the commitment. I get that. I want the companionship and the physical aspects but I'm just getting used to my new life and I'm not ready to upset that apple cart just yet. As I told Guy Pal recently, I want a relationship someday but I'm going to have to be drug kicking and screaming into it. Sadly, I really don't see that happening twice in one lifetime, but then again, stranger things have happened. Of course, in order for that to happen, I would at least have to have a date first so it doesn't look like I am in any danger of having to drag my heels any time soon. (Too bad. I just bought some really cute heels. I never buy heels).

The other realization I've come to is I'm not trying to date on my time line-I'm trying to date on everyone else's. Not time lines they have set for me, but the time lines they have for themselves. All my single friends are doing it so I want to do it too (aka "Me Too Syndrome"). This has possibly been the biggest source of frustration for me and it took a long time to realize it. For whatever reason, it's just not my turn. I'm supposed to be doing something else right now (like creating a spreadsheet so my friends can keep my fictional love life straight and listening to Howie Day's "Collide" repeatedly on YouTube). I don't know what that is right now-lately I've been staying home not doing anything. After four straight months of just bracing myself to get through the next significant day (literally-10 of them in 4 months. Only thing missing was James' birthday), I'm at a loss of what to do now that I don't have to be in that mode anymore. So right now I'm decompressing and gearing up for whatever comes next. Which isn't focusing on dating.

"Kiss Me"

2011-02-09T21:28:00.000-08:00

The other day I was reading the blog of a fellow widow who takes awesome to a whole new level. She totally rocks. In her post, she was talking about how she, a former disco queen, grew up and married a former punk rocker-two people who would have clashed when younger but connected through a shared love of alternative music.

Her story made me smile, as they often do, and got me thinking about the music in my and James' life. We had different tastes, his leaning more to the classic rock side and mine to the soft rock side but we had enough common ground (Nickelback being at the top of the shared list) that we could listen to music together without arguing over it. We never really had "our" song, however, which made it a bit of a challenge when it came time to plan the wedding. He wanted our first song to be "There is Love (the Wedding Song)" by Paul Stookey of Peter, Paul and Mary. It had been his aunt and uncle's song and he really liked it. We probably would have gone with it; it was on the short list.

There were a couple of songs that were definitely going to be in the wedding or played at the reception which are the songs I now consider to be our songs. The first one, "You're Still the One," by Orleans I had decided was going to be the song that played when everyone joined in for the second song played at the reception. By the time of our wedding, we would have been together for almost 9 years and we were pretty much the "newest" couple among all the people who would have been at our wedding so it seemed fitting as it would have applied to everyone. (I would have been an equal opportunity bride. I'm cool like that).

The other song that I think of us ours is the one we both agreed would be in the wedding (I totally would have gotten my way on "Still the One" when it came down to it). We agreed that our recessional song would be "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer. It's a song we both liked and the only part of the ceremony we finalized.

But there's more to the story than us both liking the song. We also liked to watch stupid comedy movies, such as those starring Rob Schneider. (We saw "Deuce Bigalow" on our second date, which was 8 hours after the first one ended). One of the movies James particularly liked was "The Hot Chick." In the movie, the main character, Jessica, has a friend named Ling Ling. Her mother is pretty over the top and at one point says the line "Ling Ling, you forgot your bling bling." There is a part of "Kiss Me" in which the lyrics are "bring bring bring your flowered hat, we'll take the trail marked on your father's map." Every time James heard that part of the song, he would say "Ling Ling you forgot your bling bling" and we would crack up.

I picture us walking up the aisle having just been pronounced man and wife and him leaning over and whispering "Ling Ling you forgot your bling bling" with "Kiss Me" playing in the background and me totally cracking up with the loud cackle laugh I get when I really mean it. I picture the guests looking quizzically at each other wondering what that was all about. And I smile every time. And then I listen to the song-our song-again.

Yet another online dating update.

2011-02-09T20:57:00.000-08:00

I have made no secret of the fact I am not a fan of online dating. Mainly because I suck at it due to the fact I have no patience and am not really that thick-skinned, which they don't tell you is a requirement when you fill out the profile. Every time I create a profile, I end up taking it down a short time later because I get discouraged and I beat myself up over it. I do have to say this attempt has gone slightly better than the others.

It turns out Guy Pal does indeed know MG #2, as I figured he would. He thinks MG #2 is a great guy but not someone I would find attractive. But Guy Pal decided he, MG #2, another friend of his and I should get together and hang out. I agreed. MG #2 agreed. We submitted our schedules to Guy Pal so he could coordinate this. And then MG #2 blocked my profile. (Seriously?!) And then he wanted to know when we were going to meet. So Guy Pal asked why he blocked my profile and was told MG #2 did not think we'd be a good fit. So I decided I didn't want to meet him. (I have so not evolved past the age of 12). I don't want to waste my time meeting someone who has already indicated he isn't really that interested in meeting me when I could be using that time to put myself in a position to meet someone who looks across the room and says "Who's THAT?!?!" (It happened once. It can happen again).

But I have to admit this stung. Really stung. Guy Pal has told me some things about MG #2 that made me ask why he was pushing so hard for us to meet as he wasn't doing a good job of selling him to me. Guy Pal has good intentions. He wants me to be happy. I indicated interest so he wanted me to see if there was something to it-if this was someone I would connect with. I can't fault him for that.

In the meantime, I read a profile that cracked me up. There were a couple of red flags-he didn't seem to be a dog person and he has red hair. Try as I might, I just can't seem to make myself attracted to redheads. But despite this, I e-mailed him anyway. And he responded. So we e-mailed back and forth a couple of times and he told me he didn't think we were a good match for long term dating, which I agreed with, but wanted to know if I would like to meet to see if there was a potential for friendship. I agreed to that. Then he asked if we did meet and the chemistry was there if I'd be interested in a "friends with benefits" deal. I politely said no. I also told him I was disabling my account because I only set it up one day because I was bored. I gave him my e-mail address in case he still wanted to meet. Apparently with the possibility of sex off the table, the potential for friendship went away too because I never heard from him again.

So I disabled my account. (And literally as soon as I hit the button to do that got an e-mail for speed dating, which I found amusing). It's not deleted; just hidden so I can go back and access it if I want to. But I don't. I've felt a lot lighter since disabling it. This was taking too much of my focus and the guys I did e-mail not even checking out my profile, plus being blocked by someone who supposedly wanted to meet me and apparently only being attractive enough to the one I did have contact with to be a casual fling left me feeling like a man repellent. And of course, that just makes me miss James and the sure thing I had.

So I'm done with online dating. Again. Hopefully for good this time. I'm pretty old-fashioned so it seems more fitting that I should meet Mystery Husband #2 the old-fashioned way. I just need to figure out what-or rather where-that is.

Thank God for Small Favors!

2011-02-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago when I was debating whether or not to ask my Flirty Friend to MLK Day Dinner after not being able to attend Christmas dinner with him, my co-worker told me this was the year we weren't going to walk on the wild side, but rather stroll on it. She said if I didn't hit the send button on the e-mail, she would.

Fast forward to last week. I had a volunteer shift at the Food Bank that I organized through the fun Meetup group. I got held up at work so I was late getting there. My friend took over greeting all the members of the group for me. I did end up at a table with two of them-a gay couple who are actually the first friends I made in the group. Also at our table were a man from India and his 9-year-old son and some guy who was unloading the food from the huge box onto the table for us to sort. He had his back to us most of the time but I saw enough to see that he was cute and seemed vaguely familiar. I chalked it up to him just having one of those faces.

The man from India was standing between me and the other guy and India's son was across the table from his father. About halfway through the shift, the son decided he didn't want to sort anymore but wanted to box up the food instead. Seeing this as my opportunity to get closer to the cute guy, I offered to switch places with him. We had to keep the boxes at about 35 lbs so the cute guy would ask what I needed, meaning did I need canned goods or something lighter. At one point, he turned around when he said it and I found myself looking into a pair of gorgeous green eyes. I literally had to bite my tongue to keep from answering "what do you need?" with "your phone number."

Driving home, I was thinking about how I was going to have to confess to my co-worker what a bad "stroller" I am. I found myself wishing I had more nerve and wasn't so afraid to put myself out there. I thought maybe my co-worker didn't need to know how much of a wuss I am. The next morning I confessed-it was the right thing to do after all. And then I went to the Meetup site to edit attendance for the event. I'm trying to keep track of the "no shows" for this event so if they keep signing up and by doing so are keeping others on the wait list from attending I can ask them to remove their RSVP. As I was going through the list, I discovered that Green Eyes was actually part of our group. He's got a very nice profile picture of him-and his wife.

Sometimes being a wuss is a very good thing!

The end of 36

2011-01-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

Another year of my life has come to an end and while overall being 36 wasn't too bad, it could have ended a little better.

I have a friend I have known for about a year and a half now. He's exactly a year younger than James and he does remind me of James in several ways-mainly his being a big flirt. I think the similarities are why we get along so well; I know what I'm dealing with. He and I have always flirted with each other and our comments to each other are often laced with sexual undertones. And now we are both single. And since he became single, the level of flirting has gone up a notch, as has the level of physical contact. The last couple of times I saw him, I left wondering if we were dancing around something or just flirting because we're both single and as he said "share a brain."

So Friday, my last day of thirty-sixness, armed with encouragement from two co-workers, my Canadian friend, my good friend's sister and the confidence that comes from wearing a sexy bra, I sent him an e-mail to see if he wanted to join me for MLK, Jr. Day dinner since I couldn't join him for Christmas. (After all, who doesn't celebrate MLK Jr. day with dinner?) And he said no. It takes a special kind of loser to be turned down by someone who does nothing but flirt with and lately can't seem to keep his hands off of you, especially when you know he has started dating again. Combine this with my speed dating and online dating failures and me meeting well over 100 men in the last three years who weren't the least bit interested in me and wow. Dad was right. There really is something wrong with me. So I give up. I'm done with the constant disappointment that is trying to date.

I got his e-mail as I was leaving the acupuncturist, where I had a bad reaction to one of the needles. I was bummed, but proud of myself for asking (now I wish I hadn't) until the whole special kind of loser thoughts invaded. And somehow, that made it impossible for me to get from the acupuncturist to downtown-something I did with no problems last week. Every turn I made was wrong, which just ticked me off. So when I finally met up with Guy Pal and our other friend to see "Black Swan," I was hungry since all my wrong turns left me with no time to eat and cranky-apparently visibly so as Guy Pal kept asking what was wrong and finally if it was something he did when I said I would tell him later, and tear-eyed for being such a pathetic, undateable person.

I figured at this point we would watch the movie and then find something else to do afterward (like eat) or call it a night. I figured the night would get better now that I had my buds to hang with. Yeah. I was wrong. I got to the theater before them and by the time they arrived, the only place for us to sit where we could sit together was in the front row. Being that "Black Swan" is a seriously messed up movie about ballerinas, there is a lot of movement in it. I started to feel a little funny part way through the movie. When it was over and we went to leave, I couldn't get up. Even the 3D effects of "Avatar" did not make me this sick. After a few minutes, I thought I felt okay enough to leave. I made it out of the theater and found a bench in the lobby, where I immediately dropped my head between my knees to keep from throwing up. I have to say the guys were pretty awesome with trying to figure out what I needed to make the motion sickness pass. And then I put the icing on the top of my bad evening cake: I handed my feminine product filled purse to my incredibly good looking casual friend so he could riffle through it to find the pack of gum I always carry for when I need to settle my stomach-a must have for this IBS sufferer. And then I made my way to the bathroom and threw up. No more front row movies for me.

Once I was actually able to leave the theater, I had a chat with Guy Pal about why I was so upset when they got to the theater. He has been one of the biggest champions of me dating and even he is beginning to change his tune and agree that maybe this is something that is pointless for me to pursue. That I should just give up and go back to just hanging out with my friends and having fun. So that's what I'm going to do. Thirty six ended on a down and very disappointing note. For thirty seven, I'm just going to focus on what I need to do to happily spend the next 50 years alone.

Ready, Set...Date!

2011-01-11T21:47:00.000-08:00

Because online dating isn't demoralizing enough, I decided I should try speed dating. Actually, I had been thinking about it for awhile and found excuses not to do it. My favorite excuse, of course, was "I don't believe you find someone when you are looking." That's not actually an excuse as much as it is the truth, but it did come in handy.

After having an emotional conversation with Guy Pal in which he questioned whether or not I was really ready to date, he sent me a link to what was at the time an upcoming speed dating event and thought I should try it. He thought I would be really good at it. (He also thought he should get a finders fee if I got a boyfriend out of it. He's cute like that). Well, I had been thinking about it already and I was feeling overly confident thanks to all the compliments I got for actually wearing a dress (apparently I clean up nicely) so I signed up. As I said to my co-worker what did I have to lose other than a few bucks and a couple of hours of my life?

As the date approached, I tried to come up with a valid reason to get out of it. I couldn't come up with one and I had already paid for it. So I decided to go through with it. The day of the event I was really nervous and freaked out. A comment from my friend made me realize that the last time I was looking to date was 11 years ago. That is almost a third of my life ago! (Okay, so I'm being generous with the math). I sent a very freaked out text to Guy Pal, who despite having just started a new position at work called to give me a pep talk. I spent a few tearful moments in my co-worker's office, who probably prays harder than anyone I will meet someone soon (at least I would be if I were you A!). And then I changed my mindset and just kept telling myself it was like going to any other Meetup event. That really seemed to help.

The event was held at my least favorite club in Portland. I was early so I killed some time a block away at the book store and thought about just staying there. I still managed to arrive at the club too early and since it was open for business in addition to speed dating and I am so not comfortable with the club scene, I went and hid in the bathroom until it was time to check in. (Yeah, I sometimes wonder how I managed to snag James too).
I actually knew the host from the fun Meetup group (I seriously am starting to feel like the poster child for Meetup. They should so pay me a commission). I also knew one of the male participants. We had a whole e-mail exchange last spring about whether or not he was okay with me posting pictures I took at an event and when I ran into him again at an another event recently and said it was nice to see him again, I was informed he had never seen me before in his life. At the speed dating event, however, he did remember the photo incident. Too little, too late. Sorry. Plus, if he was interested, I'm guessing he would have said so by now (I just watched "He's Just Not That Into You." Apparently, I wasn't quite feeling bad enough about how much I suck at dating. I do now).

The event was actually fun. It was a bit of a confidence booster to be able to carry on five minute conversations with all of them without awkward pauses. I met 11 guys and was definitely interested in seeing two of them again. There were another two I was somewhat interested in seeing again. Two were definite "no" - one was "too flowy." I can't describe it any better than that. The other has used "E" in the past and plans to use it again at least twice in the future. No thanks. The rest I needed to think about. After discussing them with Guy Pal, I decided to mark 4 of them as a yes and the rest as a no. Sadly, none of the four I put as a yes felt the same way.

I'm proud of myself for doing this. I chose the 23-37 age range and might try the 32-47 age group as well just so I will be able to say I have literally tried everything except a paid matchmaking service. But I am ready to throw in the towel. Trying to date is simply not making me happy and it's causing me to beat myself up in ways that aren't healthy. I've worked too hard to get to where I am at to backslide when I could be out having fun and showing the world how awesome I am instead.

Online Dating Update

2011-01-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

Note to self: if you want to feel better about yourself, checking how many visitors you've had to your online dating profile may not be the way to go about it. Just sayin'.

It has now been 10 days since I re-entered the world of online dating for the umpteenth time. And so far, the results are about what I expected: basically nada. As of now, I am up to 112 visitors to my profile and have been contacted by 2. (Which calculates out to 1.78%-and I really should not have calculated that). I've viewed probably about 25-30 profiles and contacted two.

The first to contact me sent me a "wink" with the comment "Nice profile." So I checked his out and found we didn't see eye-to-eye on some issues I feel are deal breakers so I sent him back a simple "Thank you." End of Story.

The second guy said I came up as one of his Quiver Matches. From what I can tell, Quiver Matches are 3 random people that you have a week to check out. After a week, supposedly you get new ones. Anyway, Quiver Match said he liked my profile and asked if we could talk sometime. So I checked out his profile and there weren't any real flags other than he doesn't believe in monogamy. I e-mailed him back, however, and tried to start a conversation. He responded with a single sentence that gave me nothing to go on. A couple of days later, he sent another message asking what I'm looking for in a man. Well, monogamy for one thing. I haven't responded yet since I'm not really sure what to say.

As for the two I contacted, the first one visited my profile a couple of times so I decided to check him out. One of the things he said was that you shouldn't be afraid to say hello. Which I actually thought was a bit hypocritical given his multiple visits to my profile without saying hello. So I said hello. We've been having a conversation about football that is pretty much going nowhere. The other one never responded to my e-mail. Oh well.

And then there are the Meetup guys. I have to say it is weird to have profiles pop up for a guy I have met and one I recognize from Meetup. I have been curious about their profiles but decided I wasn't going to look unless they checked out mine first. (I even amaze myself with my level of immaturity at times). The one I've met my friend and I refer to as Eye Candy for December (ECFD) because while I do think he's cute, I wanted to reserve the nickname of Cute Guy for December for someone who seemed like he may be interested (sadly, he wasn't. But that's another story). I've gone to a couple of events ECFD has planned through Meetup and will probably go to other events he plans so I'm not looking at his profile as that could end up being awkward. Plus I've already figured out he isn't interested.

Meetup Guy #2 is one I am in a group with and have been at an event with but didn't actually meet. He's a 92% match for me as determined by OK Cupid's high tech matching system that quite frankly reminds me of the matchmaking programs the computer science class in high school always came up with only with more grownup questions and a lot more of them. MG #2 also plans events for a group that I have considered joining off and on for months but have yet to pull the trigger.

Well, he looked at my profile last night. So I looked at his. And I have to admit I'm intrigued. Not enough to contact him but enough to see if Guy Pal knows him since he seems to know everyone. (Although I did inform him Saturday he needs more single guy friends as the current dynamic of always ending up in a group of women isn't really working for me). As silly as this is, I was excited to see he's the only one whose profile I've looked at that has answered the stupid question about the price of the apple correctly. (I'm pretty sure that says something about me).

I will admit I am disappointed but I am taking it more tongue in cheek than I normally do. It's been suggested that maybe my profile is too broad and I need to be more specific (technically, that was suggested to someone else but it applies to me too). I was also told I should upload the recently taken picture of me actually wearing a dress. I guess I'll give that a try. What do I really have to lose? Sigh...I'm off to retool my profile. Hopefully with positive results.

Here we go again...

2010-12-26T19:28:00.000-08:00

Apparently when I say I am never going to do something, I don't really mean it. For example, up until three weeks ago, I swore I would never buy or eat Gardenburgers. There's a package of them in my freezer, minus one. The Gardenburger tacos did not turn out as well as I had hoped but Gardenburgers actually aren't that bad-especially with horse radish or pepperjack cheese. I also swore I would never do acupuncture but tomorrow I am calling an acupuncturist as that might be my only hope of getting rid of this sinus infection as antibiotics don't seem to be an option now that I'm for sure allergic to one class and most likely allergic to a second class as well. I also swore I was never going to try online dating again. Yeah, about that...

Last Sunday I went to an event called "Suck My Flick." This is a monthly competition in which local filmmakers submit short films and the audience votes via text message for their favorite. The winner is announced at the end of the night. I was intrigued so I went with one of my Meetup groups. This is a group I had wanted to join for quite some time but didn't because NLNG seemed to do a lot with it and at the time, I didn't want the temptation to sign up for events knowing he'd be at them. I finally joined the group a month or so ago after realizing I didn't care if I ever saw him again (though I knew I would eventually) and that temptation was no longer an issue. So here I was enjoying "Suck My Flick" when I glance across the room and see him-looking awfully cozy with some girl. I tried to tell myself the light was low and maybe it was just someone who looked like him in the low light. And then he laughed and I knew for sure it was him. And I wanted nothing more than to just throw up. At one point, he walked right by me; if he saw me, he didn't acknowledge it. I don't want him, and I knew I was going to run into him again some day, but I would have preferred if I had prior knowledge about it. And if I was the one with a date. (Yes, I realize that's shallow).

My Guy Pal and our other friend have also been dating new people and this is a rough time of year for me as it is as this is when I met James back in 1999. I found myself wondering if I should have tried harder with NLNG (NO!!) and wondering if I am destined for a life of loneliness after all (again). The holidays have certainly heightened that sense of being surrounded by nothing but couples.

Thursday, I only had a half day of work. I spent part of the afternoon working on a data entry project for my favorite non-profit. It takes forever for each record to save. I was bored. And lonely. And feeling dejected. And there was no one on Facebook. And before I knew it, I had started a profile on one of the free sites. I've had 64 visitors to my profile so far; only one has sent me a message which simply said "nice profile." This time I am going into this with the expectation that nothing will come of it, but I suspect it won't take too long before I get discouraged and call it quits. Again.

I really hate being single again. And I'm starting to worry about all those other things I swore I would never do...

Hold the Beef. And the Chicken.

2010-12-26T18:50:00.000-08:00

December 4th was the last time I had meat. I wasn't planning to become a vegetarian starting on the 5th; it just sort of happened. And I have to say that 3 weeks later, I don't really miss meat all that much-but I do miss the convenience of it.

On the surface, it would appear this is all because of a boy. It wouldn't be the first time I did something because of a boy and it probably won't be the last. If it wasn't for the boy next door (well, two doors down but close enough), I wouldn't be a baseball fan. If it wasn't for James, well, there's a lot of things I could say here.

My new friend, who I am now just going to refer to as Guy Pal, is a vegetarian by culture and I think religion. He decided to try being a vegan for a week to impress a girl. So I said that it would be easier for me to be vegetarian than it would for him to be a vegan. And naturally I had to prove it. So here it is three weeks later and he's off the vegan train (Yea! Because that was going to make going out to eat with him a royal pain) and I'm still going strong on the veggie wagon.

That's the cute, short version. The truth is I have said I could probably easily be a vegetarian on and off for most of my adult life. I'm not a big meat eater as it is so I knew this is was a challenge I could easily do for a week. I also knew I had plenty of will power. I decided one day I drank too much pop and need to stop. On January 4th, that day will have been 13 years ago. So seven days is nothing.

I have also known for quite some time that I needed to change my eating habits as I was eating a lot of fast food and processed crap and really never felt good. It's hard to keep the mental spirits up when the body feels so run down all the time. But I just couldn't bring myself to care. I don't have James anymore so why bother? Even the realization that life is good again wasn't enough to motivate me to even try to eat healthier. But I can't turn down a good challenge (translation: I have to prove I'm right all the time) so I jumped at this one. It was a boy that gave me the motivation but I'm not doing it for him-I'm doing it for me. (Don't tell him that. Part of the reason we get along so well is we both think the world revolves around us-or at least it should).

After the first week, I decided to keep going. It takes more than a week for your system to adjust and that was a rough week for me as it was. Prior to deciding to do this, I had gone to the doctor for a sinus infection and the antibiotic they gave me made me incredibly sick-to the point I had to stop taking it after three doses because even taking it as prescribed (after a meal and with milk), I could not keep anything down. I sat at my desk at work crying one afternoon because I took a bite of some macaroni and cheese and almost threw it right back up. At that point, I was starving and just wanted something to eat. So for the first several days of that first week, my stomach wasn't really accepting food. Now that it's been three weeks, I am noticing a difference in how I feel. I definitely have more energy-even with being sick this entire time. I have also noticed with all the Christmas goodies I have been eating the last couple of days I am feeling more sluggish again and had a nice Greek-ish salad (had to use black and green olives instead of Kalamata) for dinner tonight because I just wanted something healthy. (I could go for a nice, juicy apple right about now).

I certainly am nowhere near calling myself a vegetarian and don't know that I will stick with it for the rest of my life. But I am definitely going to give it a bit longer.

Dear Santa

2010-12-25T09:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

You know what would be really awesome? It you could deliver that hot guy I was making out with before my alarm clock so rudely interrupted us to my doorstep. Gift wrapping optional. It would also be great if he could tell me what in the world we were doing at summer camp as adults.

I feel I've been pretty good this year, but I have to say I would not object to being a little naughty.

Thanks!
Heather

Note to Self: The Universe LOVES to mess with your head. Next time you want a hot make out session for Christmas, specify you mean in your conscious life, not the sub-conscious one.

There's a flashback I could have lived without

2010-12-05T20:11:00.000-08:00

Friday night I got to do one of the many cool things Portland has to offer: the Shanghai Tunnel tour. Back in the late 1800's, men were shanghaied and sold to sailors. This was done by getting them drunk and basically imprisoning them in a network of underground tunnels until they were needed by the ship captains. Over the years, some of the network of tunnels has been restored and is now a popular tourist attraction. And it's awesome.

After the tour, several of us in the group went to play video games. The real arcade style ones many of us remembered from our childhood. It's a bit hard to keep six people together in an arcade and we tended to break off into groups of two or three. At one point, I was going to play one of the shoot 'em up games with one of the guys in the group. We had to work our way through a group of people who were there together and not very yielding to passersby. As a result, I got stuck standing next to some guy. Who barked at me. Repeatedly, and not in a nice way. In a way that was followed by a sneer to let me know just how unattractive he found me.

In that moment, I wasn't a 36-year-old woman standing in an arcade next to a jerk. I was an 18-year-old girl walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day in Sandpoint, having just discovered I had locked my keys in the car and I had to go find a phone to call my evil (now ex-) stepmother to come and rescue me. I was mad, and dreading making the phone call that was only going to get me in trouble for being irresponsible and a HUGE inconvenience. As I was fighting back the tears, a car went by, filled with teenage boys. Who pointed and barked at me and laughed as they passed me by.

It hurts just as much now as it did then.

Thankful

2010-11-30T18:24:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of the month, people started posting what they were thankful for on Facebook. The goal was to post something everyday for the entire month of November. I decided instead of posting them to Facebook, I would just write them down and post them here instead. As I went through a very rough stretch this month, I found some days to be a lot harder to count my blessings than others, and as the month went on, I did notice a theme forming. As the month comes to an end, I'm so glad to be able to say I really am blessed.

11/01: I am thankful to have a job in this economy, working for a company I love.
11/02: I am thankful the dogs did not knock over anyone's garbage cans on our walk today!
11/03: I am thankful Mother Nature is giving us unexpected, unseasonably warm weather.
11/04: I am thankful my life is relatively drama free.
11/05: I am thankful for laughter. It truly is the best medicine.
11/06: I am thankful for being blessed to have had 8 years, 1 month and 6 days with James.
11/07: I am thankful for all the cool people who have come into my life since James died.
11/08: I am thankful for all the people who consider me a friend and want me in their lives.
11/09: I am thankful to have a roof over my head.
11/10: I am thankful to have been invited to share a milestone birthday with a new friend.
11/11: I am thankful I organize a successful volunteer project through my Meetup group.
11/12: I am thankful to work for a company in which random conversations are the norm.
11/13: I am thankful for my dogs.
11/14: I am thankful I have not lost my sense of humor.
11/15: I am thankful for my "little" brother, who would probably rather not discuss my love life (well, lack of anyway) ad naseum.
11/16: I am thankful for inheriting such a great cousin from James.
11/17: I am thankful for technology that allows me to express myself.
11/18: I am thankful for my Facebook friends who seem to post inspirational quotes at times I seem to need them the most.
11/19: I am thankful for the opportunity to do fun things that only come from living in a big city.
11/20: I am thankful for the ability to turn the oddest thing into a good time-like shopping for ugly Christmas sweaters at Goodwill with a good friend.
11/21: I am thankful for supportive friends who know when I am not okay even if I try to say I am and don't let me get away with it.
11/22: I am thankful that when it snows here it typically doesn't amount to much-and goes away quickly.
11/23: I am thankful for a boss who trusts me to work from home when I don't feel it is safe for me to drive to the office.
11/24: I am thankful for Christmas bonuses!
11/25: I am thankful for three very special friends who wanted to make sure I didn't spend Thanksgiving alone.
11/26: I am thankful I am relatively healthy.
11/27: I am thankful for seat warmers in the car.
11/28: I am thankful for the perseverance to figure out how to do/fix things on my own.
11/29: I am thankful for music and the many things it represents in my life.
11/30: I am thankful to the readers of my blog. It has been such a healing outlet for me and I still can't believe anyone actually reads what I have to say. I cannot thank you enough for helping me heal!!

Fear of Blinking

2010-11-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

When I posted about entering another phase of the grieving process and how hard it was for me to cancel my World of Warcraft account, I knew there was more to it that I had not yet processed or even figured out. I knew that I was feeling a lot of sadness over realizing my life is moving forward and feeling like the last living piece of James is now gone. I knew I was feeling anger at him for not only leaving me but leaving me in a position in which I feel no one else is ever going to want me. But I still felt very unsettled and I couldn't grasp as to why that was. I just knew I felt very alone and abandoned.

It dawned on me Wednesday at work (Of course. Because I don't burst into tears there enough as it is) what was still gnawing at me: I am afraid. In the (almost) 34 months since James has been gone, I have carved out a new life for myself. It's not yet what I want it to be-it's very much a work in progress as I am still trying to figure out who I am now and what I want from life other than the broad spectrum of being happy again. But the life I have built is very full. It's full of volunteering for an organization I love. It's full of new social endeavors and experiences that I may not have ever done if James hadn't died. Somehow, the shy little girl I have always been has turned into a social butterfly-though I still have many moments when I don't want to walk into that room full of strangers. More and more lately I seem to be feeling this way, actually. It is full of love from my family. It is full of friends-old and new, who are there for good times and to pick up the pieces when I need it (ironically, I am listening to "That's What Friends Are For" right now). I've got two beautiful dogs who love me to pieces. It's lonely, I'm not going to lie about that, but it is full. It's a place I never thought I would have gotten to almost three years ago. While I can't say I'm overly happy, I can honestly say life is good.

And it scares the crap out of me. Three years ago, life was good. Better than good-life was great. I was planning my dream wedding to the man I loved more than life itself. The man who spent 7 years telling me he was never going to get married. We were in a good place financially, socially and together. I had it all.

And then I blinked. And in the amount of time it took for me to blink, it was gone. My entire world was gone. But I put one exhausted foot in front of the other and I persevered (if nothing else, I am certainly stubborn!) and I rebuilt my life. I got back to a good place. And I'm afraid I'm going to blink again and find this has all been an illusion. That it isn't real-or that it will be shattered again. I don't yet know how to have faith in this new life. I no longer know how to trust what lies ahead.

Thursday was Thanksgiving. I was supposed to go to our best friends' for dinner. Dinner was at 5:00; I called at 2:45 to say I wasn't coming. The week before had been so emotionally stressful for me that I made myself sick. From Wednesday night to Friday morning, I slept for 26 out of 36 hours. My friend felt bad that I was going to be alone on Thanksgiving. I told her it was entirely different to be alone because I had nowhere to go than it was to be alone because I was sick. I told her I had been invited to go on a hike that morning and another good friend called to make sure I had plans for dinner. I told her I wasn't crying because I was going to be alone-I was crying because I was overwhelmed by being blessed with having too many places to go.

Friday afternoon, I felt better so I kept my plans of going to the annual Christmas tree lighting in Pioneer Square-yet another thing I had never done before (and apparently, an event someone was plotting to blow up). It was an event with my fun Meetup group. As we were singing carols, I looked around at people who were not in my life a year ago-one of whom I now consider a close friend and another who has also become a friend. I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Same with last night when I was out with my two guy friends-one who is becoming a good friend and one who is a more casual friend, but a new friend nonetheless.

Maybe this is real after all. Maybe I don't need to be afraid to blink. But I am.

WoW

2010-11-21T20:43:00.000-08:00

James was a huge gamer. For the most part, this was fine as my hobbies are time consuming and we both got to do what we loved to do. There were times over the years where I got a little upset by this, however, as I felt he paid more attention to whatever game he was into than he did to me. We ultimately resolved this by having two nights a week we made sure we spent together: Thursday and Sunday. We spent other time together, of course, but these were the days we made sure to keep clear.

At the time of his death, World of Warcraft was his game of choice. He had been introduced to it by his friend, who I jokingly referred to as Mistress Jay because if they were doing a huge raid (Saturdays were reserved for that), it was possible for him to talk to Jay more than me. After James died, Jay asked if he could still play James' character. I thought that was an awesome tribute-and a way to keep him alive-so naturally, I agreed.

I had my own character by this time. James had tried to involve me in his games over the years, but I just wasn't that interested and I had my own hobbies to attend to. He asked again one day and I said I wanted my character to be a cow-thinking that would get me off the hook. About 30 minutes later, Vandalia, my taurin hunter was created. (Her pet is named Joe. This will probably only make sense to my good friend from college). I also had a second character-an elf named Elfis because I thought (and still think) that was hilarious. I always did crack myself up. I miss that about myself.

When we set up my character, we set it up so my credit card was charged the semi-annual subscription fee. When Jay started to play James' character, he offered to pay for it, but I said I was okay to pay it and transferred James' account to my card as well. And I've really thought nothing of it since then. The first year was hard-his subscription renewed on his birthday; mine on what would have been our wedding day.

I tried to play a couple of times after James died but it just wasn't the same and more tearful than fun. So when I got my credit card bill this last time, I decided it was time to cancel my account. I decided that I would see if Jay was still playing James' character and if he was ask if he wanted to take over James' account or just let it go. And then something sort of clicked in the back of my mind so I looked back through my credit card statements and discovered that I haven't been billed for James' subscription for the last two years.

My first thought was that Jay took over paying it for me after all and I felt so bad it took me this long to discover it and never thanked him for it. I tried to send him an e-mail apologizing for not saying anything sooner but it bounced back. Ironically, it sat in the queue too long and therefore couldn't be delivered. I looked back through my e-mails to see if I missed one from him saying he was going to pay the account and didn't find one. I did find one asking if I had changed the password, however. And it's dated around the time James' subscription would have renewed in December 2008. So now I wonder if the people at Blizzard discovered he died and cancelled the account-his was in his name; mine was in my name.

I was a sobbing mess Tuesday night after this discovery. I cancelled my account on Wednesday, which wasn't easy to do. I feel so guilty that I didn't join James in playing sooner and that I didn't play more often. He was so happy when I finally did try to get into it and I can't take back that I didn't make more of an effort sooner.

At first, I was relieved to discover that either Jay took over the account or they cancelled it. The truth is that if it was left in my hands, I may never had done it as that was keeping a part of him alive. And then it hit me that the final piece of him that was still alive in my eyes is actually gone. That part has died too and I feel like I have lost him all over again. I feel like I am back to the early days in which every little thing makes me cry, and I feel so insecure. I feel so unworthy. I feel like I have run out of strength and I seriously don't know how in the Hell I am supposed to do this for the next 50 years. I know I will because I have no choice-I just don't know where I put my backup supply of strength.

I have been a sobbing mess all week and most of the weekend. It doesn't help that my friend jokingly called me a loser and as this isn't the first time he's done so, a part of me wonders if on some level he actually feels that way. It makes me wish I hadn't let my guard down and befriended him but that thought makes me feel very alone. But I also know that if I wasn't already feeling so defective and damaged-if I wasn't so mad at James for not only leaving me, but leaving me in such a way I feel no one else is going to want me, that comment wouldn't hurt as much as it did. I wouldn't have wanted to reply in such a way that would have cut him to the core and cost me a friendship that has been a blessing over the last couple of months (luckily, I was driving when I got the text and couldn't respond right away!). Even now, two days later, there is a part of me that just wants to not only push him out of my life but not let any more new people in either.

I keep posting about wanting to meet someone new-about not wanting to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm starting to rethink that. Yes, it's still true I don't want to be alone and I do feel much more alive when I have someone to share my life with, but I'm beginning to wonder if the risk of having to go through this much pain again is really worth falling in love again someday, or if I should just be thankful for having experienced a great love in my life and just let that be enough as I just bide my time through the rest of my life.

Visions of...fishing jackets??

2010-11-15T20:54:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday (aka Veteran's Day) was the 6th anniversary of my dad's passing. So naturally, I have been missing him more than usual lately and would love to just be able to talk to him and have him tell me I'm on the right path, I'm going to be okay, I will be happy again and I'm not making bad decisions and completely screwing up my life. I really don't think I am asking for too much.

Since Dad has died I have had several dreams of him-most notably, the one where he told me James was going to die. Well, okay, he said James was leaving me and never coming back; he wasn't that specific as to how final it was going to be. But in 6 years, I don't remember a dream with my dad that was nice. Normally, he's pretty angry with me about something or siding with my evil ex-stepmother against me. It would be nice to know why he's so mad at me.

But even with all the negative dreams I still asked him for a sign I would be okay. I asked over and over for a glimpse that there was someone out there for me-that I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life. And a glimpse is exactly what I got.

Last Sunday was the day we fell back for Daylight Savings Time and I am not adjusting to the time change. My alarm goes off at 5:45 and I keep waking up at exactly 5:00, which is frustrating and results in a tired, cranky Heather. Last Friday was the same. I had gone to a volunteer project at the Food Bank, followed by dinner with my friends who volunteered with me. I got to bed at 11:15 (instead of my usual 10:00) so waking up 45 minutes early was the last thing I needed. But that is when my internal clock decided it was time to get up. Which of course woke Charlie up and there's really no chance of going back to sleep if he's up and anxious for his breakfast.

Nonetheless, I was laying there trying to go back to sleep-willing myself to fall asleep, actually, when I saw "him." I just knew he was the person I was supposed to meet. He was wearing loose black pants-possibly sweats and a light (tannish) color jacket that reminded me of James' best friends' fishing vest, only it was a fill-length coat. His hand was "plumpish" but I didn't get the impression he was overweight. He's taller than I am and he's caucasian. I was disappointed in that he was not who I wanted him to be and tried to change the vision, but it remained the same. I found myself thinking "God, he's a dork." (Good thing dorkiness is high on my list of criteria. Although he was on the high side of the dork scale). I don't know what his face looks like, what color hair he has (Oh Lord, do NOT let him be a redhead!!!). I don't know where he was standing-it was dark all around him. I guess I am only supposed to know it is him by what he is wearing.

I really need to learn to be more specific in what I'm asking for.

Another phase

2010-11-15T20:32:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been hanging out with a new friend, as I have mentioned a couple of times, and he recently asked me how I got James out of my head. I couldn't give him the answer in terms of the context of how he meant the question because I haven't gotten James out of my head. He, along with my dad, have pretty much taken up residence in the back of my head. I have moments now where they aren't always on the forefront, but they are definitely always lingering in the background.

But our conversation put me on the path of coming to a new realization that I have tried to explain to a couple of people but just can't seem to convey what I am trying to say correctly. First, I need to start by saying I still love James. That hasn't changed and I don't think it ever will. He has a permanent lock on part of my heart. The love I feel for him, however, seems to be changing from being in love with him to a love of gratitude for the role he played in my life and who I am today in large part because of his love and encouragement.

The part that is so hard to get right is this: James and I were homebodies. And I was okay with that. Yes, I got restless a time or two, but I was happy with our life. I was happy with him and it was enough. But what I have come to realize is that if he walked through the door right now, that life would no longer be enough for me. I have changed and grown and have had my eyes opened to so many things this city I live in has to offer that I never really cared to experience before-because I had everything I wanted and needed right in front of me. I would love nothing more for James to still be alive, but I couldn't give up my new life and go back to the one we had and be happy as a homebody. I couldn't walk away from my Meetup groups or my new friends. I don't think he would ask me to since he'd want me to be happy but I don't know that he'd want to be as social as I have become. Which is kind of ironic because he was the social butterfly and I was the wallflower.

On one hand, I know this is a good thing. It means I am growing. It means I am moving forward. It means I am surviving and even though I still have days that knock me on my ass, it means I can do this. I really can. On the other hand, it is another thing to process-another part of my old life I am letting go of and that is never easy. Especially when I can't get the words right to help me through that process.

CGFO

2010-11-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

Mid-October, my Male Perspective Canadian Friend (who I'm sure is getting a swelled head with all these shout outs) told me to just have fun with my friends and not focus on one person and when I meet CGFO (aka Cute Guy For October) he wanted to hear about him. Well, it took me until the 11th hour but I did indeed meet CGFO. I've been feeling pretty down about myself lately-feeling very much like a defect, or as someone on the widow/ers board put it, like a little green alien that is to be avoided at all costs. So meeting CGFO came at a very good time.

There is a musician in my fun Meetup group who had a gig last Friday night. Another member of the group posted it as an event. He's a nice guy, so I decided to go. I sent a text to my good friends to see what they were up to and got a reply they were going to an 80's Nite Halloween party. For the first time in years, I did not make any attempt to dress up this year for Halloween. That was something I really only did the last few years for James and now that he is most definitely gone, I don't have to take one for the team and dress up and go to a party if I don't want to. So I didn't. I told my friend I didn't feel like dressing up. She texted me back a little later they decided not to go dancing-they were going to go Saturday instead and were coming to the gig with me. I replied there was a Meetup group that had an event at a comedy club and we should crash it after the gig. She agreed that would be fun. (I'm such a respectful Meetup organizer. Technically, we just showed up at a public place where a Meetup group just happened to be. That's my story and I'm sticking to it).

When we got to the comedy club, the first show wasn't over yet so we had to stand outside. We didn't make any attempt to mingle with the group though that did happen when I agreed I would go dancing Saturday but whined about having to come up with a costume (Whiny Heather: "Can't I just wear what I have on now and bring my Super Soaker and say I am a disgruntled postal worker?" Random Guy: "We're beyond the point of disgruntled postal workers. Just say you're a disgruntled American." Guy who I think is the group organizer: "Just get a t-shirt that says "This is my costume."" Me: "Ooh, I can do that. Thanks!" I really didn't feel like going dancing since I was ganged up on by three men who I'm 99% were Nigerian scammers the last time I was at this club so I ended up going to the corn maze instead).

We sat apart from the group (since we aren't in it) and were talking amongst ourselves when the guy in front of us turned around and asked how we were doing. We said we were fine. He asked if we had been with the group long and I said we weren't with the group, we just saw "this" was going on and decided it looked like fun. He said he did the same thing, which I didn't get the full meaning of until I got home, Cyber stalked (at least I'm honest about it) and discovered he isn't in the group either. About this time, the emcee mentioned that there were plenty of seats up front so he got up and moved. My friends looked at me and asked if we were moving. The guy had a bit of a dork vibe to him and a nice smile so I said "Oh yeah. We're moving." He and I chatted and laughed until the show started. Of course, he's cute so we mostly talked about the weather in Arizona (see earlier post about not being able to talk to cute boys). However, I did manage to mention what Meetup groups I do belong to and we do have one in common. So I definitely let him know how to find me. (Or avoid me come to think of it).

When the show was over, he reached across me and shook hands with my friends and said it was nice to meet them. I was still seated and when I stood up, I offered my hand to shake and said it was really nice to meet him. His smile got bigger and he said it was really nice to meet me too. He briefly held my hand after shaking it (that alone was worth the admission price of the show).

I know there is a chance I will never see this guy again and this was just a chance encounter designed to make me feel better about myself. And it did. (Note to Universe: I am okay with running into him again, just in case you are wondering or bored and want to make that happen). Once upon a time, a guy saw me at the front desk at work and said "Who's that?" Not long after that, I fell in love with him. And what I want now is another guy to look at me and say "Who's that?" (I really don't think I ask for much). I don't know why this was different from the other guys I have met since James died, but CGFO made me feel like that was actually a possibility. But more importantly, for that brief time, I didn't feel like a little green alien that makes leprosy seem like a desirable trait. I felt like I was any other normal single girl. And I really needed that more than anything.

Exhausted Ramblings

2010-10-28T21:14:00.000-07:00

While I blogged almost every detail of NLNG, there was a part of me that felt guilty for doing so, especially since parts of it weren't very nice. (I haven't heard from him in just over a month now). So I haven't wanted to do that with the guy I dubbed as #1. It scares me how much I have in common with him and I have been enjoying getting to know him, but he has made it crystal clear he's only interested in me as a friend. I believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I know I met my widower friend so I could see I was still capable of feeling. I met NLNG so I could see that I could date again and be okay with it. I don't yet know why I met #1, but it took time to understand why I met the others so I suspect this will just take time to understand too. I have realized though that more than anything, I want to fall in love again-and nothing scares me more than the thought of falling in love again.

I am still having nightmares which usually means something is nagging at me that I am not grasping. I have been thinking lately that maybe it is time to take James' picture off the mantle, but I don't know where I would put it or why I am thinking that way. I have also been thinking about my life now compared to what it was with him. And I am coming to realize that if he walked through the door right now, I don't know if he would fit in my new life. I would be so happy to see him, but with everything I have experienced and with all the new friends I have made I don't know that I would be content to lead the quiet, homebody life we had; one that I was very happy with-for the most part. I did get a little restless at times. It makes me sad to think in those terms but I also recognize it as a sign of growth-that I am making this work and I am coming out on the other side. But a life without James is still so unimaginable at times. On the other hand, I have been doing this for almost 3 years now and I am ready for this dark chapter to be over and a new lighter one to begin. I think it's time and I think I deserve some happiness to come my way even if I fear it.

Two of my widowed friends have said some things that have stuck with me lately. One's husband also died in February 2008 and she said she feels like all these good things are coming together for her. But they are only happening because he died. She said she had great things because of and with him, but that life is over and she's trying to embrace and accept these good things are a part of her new life. I asked if she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. She did not hesitate before saying yes. The other friend said that the way he sees it is that with the relationships we had with our late partners we came in 1st place. We already won. It doesn't mean we can't have other good relationships but we should be happy in knowing we already won. He also said that as he's starting to date, he's finding he doesn't want anything serious, but wants to be in a serious relationship. I get that. He also brought up something I said-it always scares me when he starts by saying he liked something I said as I never know which of my pearls of wisdom he is going to follow that with. This was my saying that I want my next relationship to end the same way the last one did. He left out the part about me wanting it to last much longer and me being of the opinion that there is only one way for a successful relationship to end.

I have been in a funk lately. Sammy turned 8 on 10/15; Charlie turns 8 on 10/30. I am not handling that well. I keep thinking it is going to be way too soon before they are gone and what am I going to do then? I need them. They are what keep me going. When they are gone, my whole family will be gone. Then what? (Hopefully, I won't still be alone 4-6 years from now but it could happen). I feel like so many good things are happening to other people but no matter how much of a happy face I put on, no matter how positive I try to be, it's for nothing. I just get slapped with one disappointment after another and it's exhausting. I don't even want to try anymore if it is going to keep being for nothing. I'm running out of steam and can't keep trying without feeling like I am getting anywhere because right now I don't feel like that is the case even if logically I know it is. I really need something positive to happen for me-and soon.

And while I'm venting...

2010-10-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

I typically don't follow politics. They bore me and most of what is allegedly going to get done doesn't seem to happen anyway. That being said, I do want to be able to make informed choices when I vote and vote for the best candidate, which may or may not belong to the party of which I am registered.

With elections coming up, I am coming home almost every day to at least one message from some politician or committee campaigning for someone. I really wish this is included in the "Do Not Call" registry.

Here's the deal: I will admit that I am registered Republican. The Democratic party keeps calling. Note to the Dems: leaving me messages that say "Hey, you should vote for us instead" are not enough for me to say "Okay" and switch teams. You need to tell me why I should vote for you.

As for the politicians and their advocates: leaving me messages smearing your opponent is not going to get me to vote for you either. Telling me why I shouldn't vote for Denny Heck or Patty Murray does not tell me why I should vote for you. Tell me why I should vote for you.

It's this simple: I want to know what you are hoping to do for me if you are elected and how you hope to do it. If you want me to vote for you, tell me you are going to try to improve the economy by introducing tax incentives to companies that bring jobs back from foreign countries. Tell me how you plan to save the art and physical education programs in schools. Tell me how you are going to make Washington an even better state for me to live in.

The candidate who best tells me what they plan to do in office and who I most like what I hear from is who gets my vote-regardless of party. If you can't do that, don't call me. I'm not interested in what you are selling.

Customer Service

2010-10-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

I work about 4 1/2 miles from my house. If I take the main road to work, I pass a Fred Meyer with a Starbucks in it. The main road has about 15 million stoplights, however, so I take the "back way," as I like to call it. Even with this route, I can still hit a Starbucks on my way to work-I just have to turn at Fourth Plain instead of going through it and in a couple of blocks, I am at Starbucks. There is also a Starbucks inside the Safeway by my work. Of the three, this is the one that makes the least amount of sense to go to as it is actually past my work. But this is the one I go to. And the reason I choose this one is the barista that is there in the morning.

She knows her customers. She might not always know us by name but she knows us by drink. I don't have to tell her I would like a tall caramel (or raspberry) mocha frappucino with chocolate drizzle. I just have to tell her what flavor. She knows I hate the taste of coffee and has perfected making my frappucino so it does not taste like coffee. If they come out with something new, she knows if I will hate it and if I want to try something different, she comes up with something I will like. She is an example of excellent customer service. She makes her customers happy. And that is how it should be.

Sadly, there are companies out there that just don't get it-that don't really feel that good customer service is necessary. And sadly, in some cases companies manage to survive just fine without it due to lack of viable competition. A prime example of that is Meetup. For the past two years, I have been a huge supporter of Meetup as it has greatly helped me to meet new people, make new friends and get off the couch instead of wasting my life away moping over what could have (and I still feel should have) been. Because of the groups I am in, I am learning the area in which I live better and am trying new places and things I probably wouldn't have otherwise. The Meetup platform is still good for what it was designed to do: use the Internet to get off the Internet.

Unfortunately, there really aren't any platforms out there that do all that Meetup does and they know this. They know that organizers can threaten to take their groups elsewhere but at the end of the day, there is really nowhere else for us to go. So they can get away with treating group organizers-their customers-like crap. They can be condescending, ignore our pleas and requests all they want and there is nothing we can do about it other than complain and shut down our groups completely.

Over the past couple of years, Meetup has been trying to become more and more like Facebook. Every new "feature" is designed to make the site either look more like or integrate more with Facebook (and now Twitter). And the more us paying customers complain, the more it is crammed down our throats. On their idea and suggestion forum, the number one complaint (with over 600 votes) is to remove a pop-up asking members to publish their RSVPs to Facebook. (The next most asked for item only has 181 votes). The response to the complaints that rolled in after this "feature" was implemented was to add an option to publish to Twitter as well and for Meetup to add the pop-up for when members join new groups and rate events. The customers have asked for the option to at least opt out of this pop-up; the response was for it to be added to even more places. The concept that not everyone suffers from "look at me" syndrome and feels the need to announce their every move to the entire world is just not something Meetup can comprehend.

And now they have added an obnoxious yellow banner across the top of the screen to "announce" important news-like they just came out with an iPhone app. Which they also announced in the new features section. And sent out an e-mail from the co-founder about. Which is great. If you have an iPhone. Which I don't. So being told there's now an app that is totally useless to me multiple times is annoying. And as an organizer, I am paying for them to annoy me. At least the obnoxious yellow banner can be closed-for now. I'm sure that once enough users complain about it, the option to close it will go away.

Today I discovered a new banner-this one white. I was looking to see who is signed up for the next Food Bank project I have scheduled with the fun group. The banner said to look for more "XYZ" with thumbnails for other groups. I thought "hey, this might be useful. I might find a new group I am interested in." So I clicked on one of the thumbnails and was taken to a list of groups: the one I am in, one in Massachusetts, one in New York and one in California. Really? How is this even remotely close to useful information? Seriously. I live in Washington. What on Earth possesses these people to think I am going to be remotely interested in a group on the other frickin' side of the country? So here we have yet another annoying, useless advertisement.

The response to this: they feel that these things help promote our groups in a positive way and help them grow into live communities which is the entire point, blah, blah, blah. Since only a handful of people are taking the time to complain, everyone else automatically loves the changes.

More and more I am becoming a disgruntled member of Meetup. I pay for my group and I haven't left because I am currently organizing the only group specifically for young widows and widowers in the Portland Metro area (that I am aware of). I can't close down a group there is a need for without having somewhere else to go with the functionality of Meetup. And I like (most of) the people I have met in the groups I am in. I just don't like the company running the show that much these days.

Lucky?

2010-10-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

A widower I know of recently received a beautiful tribute to his late wife that ended with the author stating he was lucky. This choice of words took him back a bit and led him to wonder if those of us who have lost our loves so young really are lucky. Here is how I responded:

"Do I think I was lucky to have had James in my life for 8 years? Yes. I thank God everyday for blessing me with him-right before I inform Him it wasn't nearly long enough. Do I feel lucky now? No, I'm pretty pissed off about it, actually (Monday should have been our anniversary and I am NOT handling it well). I actually have a weird sense of entitlement to a having another love in my life someday. Because the first one was so rudely taken from me, I feel I deserve to be given a second chance."

I do believe that I was lucky and blessed to have had James in my life, even if it wasn't nearly long enough. At the time of his death, we had been together for half my adult life and almost a quarter of my entire life so he definitely helped me become the person I am today.

Things could definitely have been a lot worse for me when he died. As his rightful heir, I could have lost my house and everything in it to his mother. But she respected his wishes that I was in charge and signed my own possessions over to me.

I could have lost the house when I lost his income and then took a 20% pay cut on top of it. But we were fortunate that we had been able to get out of debt (for the most part) and put a hefty down payment on this house. Money is tight, but I am making it. Thanks to his life insurance through his work, I was able to keep my promise of helping his mom by buying the house she lives in-which will one day provide me with retirement income.

I could have had my friends and family not want to deal with their own mortality and abandon me. Or, I could be someone who is a loner by nature and has no family. But I'm not. I have a great support system-the best I could ask for, in fact. From this, an acquaintance has become such a close friend, I go through withdrawals if more than a couple of days pass without us touching base with each other. Because of my involvement with various Meetup groups, I have made some awesome new friends I never would have met otherwise.

I could be homeless, unemployed and alone. But I am none of those things. I am lucky. I realize this everyday though I don't always show it. I am lucky, but I am far from happy. I don't take my blessings for granted as I once did but I do strive to find happiness again.

In my post yesterday, I made a comment that made two of the most wonderful, supportive friends I could ever have feel bad. This has torn at my heart all day and I am truly sorry to have done that.

So much to say

2010-10-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have so much to say and don't know where to begin. I have been in a weird place ever since getting back from the reunion, and perhaps even before. I have slowed way down on Meetup activities and am spending a fraction of the time on that site looking for things to do that I used to. I have mainly been focusing on volunteering and have been seeing a lot of movies lately, so I am still really busy; it's just different.

I have been having bad dreams again that I am only remembered bits and pieces of. Dad has been pretty prominent in them, which is unusual. This morning's was pretty bad. I dreamt some unknown people were trying to track me down to take my engagement ring and camera-the two things that make me feel most connected to James. Dad was "helping" me to hide from them; in truth, he was trying to bribe me to give up the camera and ring so he could turn them over. I woke up telling myself over and over "it's just a dream, it's just a dream." I would love a dream analysis on this one and I'm guessing it has something to do with me choosing to numb out what would have been our second wedding anniversary (10/11) than deal with the emotions-mostly anger-I was feeling that day. It made me sad that no one remembered or asked if I was okay but I guess that's life. I hope down the road, I will remember to be sensitive to the dates that matter to my friends.

I had scheduled an appointment with the therapist for Monday in case it was a bad day for me. It was not one of my better appointments and I left there feeling very bad about myself. In hindsight, she could have gotten her point across much better if she had just chosen her words differently, but at the same time, the words she chose hurt because deep down, I know she is right. She pointed out all the flaws in my self-esteem, which made me feel ashamed to have such low self-esteem but at the same time filled me with more self-loathing for being such a pathetic creature. She followed this up by saying that I am not going to be alone for the rest of my life but because I am "so unique" and "not a Barbie" it is going to take a long time for me to find someone to appreciate me. That took me right back to the days of "well...she's got a great personality..." She told me when it comes to dating, I need to leave hope out of it and mentally prepare myself for disappointment-that it's too dangerous for me to have hope and that I don't know what I want in a partner-that I am not strong enough to know that yet. But at the same time she was telling me I have to stop thinking of myself as rejectable and keep re-enforcing to myself what a great catch I am going to be for someone. I came home and called one of my closest friends in tears. It is so hard to hear all these things that deep down I know are true and as a result, I no longer even want to try. I just want to retreat into myself, into my little world and shut everyone out. Pretty sure this is not the intended result of the session.

It doesn't help that I have not been sleeping well again. Sunday night I tripped over a box and went to bed with rug burn pain. I woke up in the middle of the night with throbbing pain in what I thought to be 3 of my toes; it turned out to only be one very badly bruised toe. But I couldn't get comfortable. The last two nights it has been the dreams. I am hoping for a restful night tonight. I need it.

It's amazing how one moment can erase a lot of good moments. I was having a lot of good moments until I saw the therapist and left her office feeling so completely torn down. I have some things planned for this weekend that I am looking forward to, so hopefully, that (and sleep!) will be what it takes for me to get my groove back.

Reunion

2010-10-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

My family has been through a lot in the last several years. The plus side is that as a result, I have gotten to see them more than ever before. The downside is that it has only been for funerals. So when my cousin and his wife decided to go back to Leavenworth, where they were married, to celebrate their 10th anniversary, they decided to make it a family reunion as well.

I was nervous as I expected something bad to happen to one of us either on the way there or home as we seem to be cursed, but 8 family members made it to central Washington and 8 family members made it back home. I ended up going up to Tacoma Thursday night so I could pick up my aunt and cousin and not have to get up at 4:00 in the morning to do so and still get to Leavenworth around lunch time. I was not happy about the extra cost of doing this, but am glad I got to have that one-on-one time with her. Three of the four deaths in our family from 2004-2008 were on my dad's side of the family, (the fourth being James) and this aunt is now the matriarch of that side of the family, which is a role she takes seriously.

There were some stressful moments along the way. It was Oktoberfest this weekend, so there were a lot of people milling around. Trying to appease 8 people-three of whom were children who got bored easily-and keep track of everyone in a crowded, hot setting got on my nerves after awhile-especially when I got to the point of starving. Luckily, we had cell phones to help keep tabs on each other and didn't end up staying downtown all day. We took a side trip to Tumwater Canyon (three whole miles and a world away) and I found my calm center sitting on the rocks taking pictures while everyone else climbed all over the rocks.

But visiting at the cabin was a completely different story, however. I loved sitting there talking with my aunt, my brother, my cousin and his wife and listening to my nephews and cousin playing in the background. It was great to see how quickly they bonded after an initial shyness. I did have a couple of tough moments though. My cousin had put together a video montage of pictures from various trips and day-to-day activities from the first ten years of their marriage. Watching that, I started to cry a couple of times. I want that so bad. I kept thinking that I will never have that. I will never be showing a video like this at my 10th anniversary family reunion, mixed with if I ever find love again, I wonder if Cousin would put together something like this for me to surprise Hubby with at the wedding?

My other bad moment was Sunday morning when we were leaving. My brother and I drove as it was close enough for us to do so but everyone else flew in from the East Coast. When it came time to leave, my youngest nephew's glasses were no where to be found. We sent those who had the three hour drive to Seattle off to catch their planes and I stayed behind to help with the search for the wayward glasses-which were in a suit case. When we turned off in different directions and I waved good-bye, I found myself with tears in my eyes. Even though it was just the two of us and the dogs, I miss my family. I miss having my own little family that I wasn't born into and I miss being around the family I was born into. I thought about looking for a job in Coeur d'Alene for about two minutes, but I know I won't find one and the truth is I don't want to move back to Idaho. My life is here. The things I enjoy doing are here-I would be so bored there. Even my brother has said I would be so miserable if I went back and that he can see how my life is here-how happy living in this area makes me. (When James died, he was going to try to convince me to move home; he said he knew I was where I belong after being here for 10 minutes).

I'm just going to have to make more of an effort to get over to see my family more often, and hopefully one day we will be reuniting because I'm the one with something joyous to celebrate.

Oh Boy, Part II

2010-09-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

In March of 2009, thirteen months after James died, I was asked out on a date. My response was to come thisclose to throwing up. (Not on him, thankfully). It wasn't the good "OMG! The captain of the football team just asked me to prom" type of throw up, either. It was the bad kind. I decided that I was either not ready or not interested in him, or both. Ultimately, I determined it was both. I wondered if I would ever be ready and/or meet someone with whom there was mutual interest for another 13 months, and then I met NLNG, whom I have determined really is not the one for me despite the Universe's constant signs to the contrary. I know relationships take work, but the early stages should not be as much work as this has been. He has a special place in my heart as the one who showed me I can date again and be okay with it, and I do care about him-but as a friend and a casual one at that. He doesn't make my heart sing. And now that I have felt my heart sing again, I don't want to settle for any less than that.

Since my post on September 13th, I have gone to the movies twice with the subject of that post and a couple of others. (I think I will just call him #1. The nicknames are getting too hard to track and I am running out of them. And since it could take awhile for me to meet "the one," numbers seem like a logical way to go). We have had a conversation on Facebook that lasted for an hour, and have had several e-mails and texts go back and forth, mostly to confirm plans to see the movies. I find myself looking forward to and hoping to hear from him. The thought of seeing him makes me want to throw up in the good way. I don't doubt that he at least likes me as a friend. And if that is all I get out of this, that in itself is a blessing because he seems like he would be a pretty good friend to have.

If I was reading the whole story about him written by someone else, I would think "Oh yeah, he's interested." But because this is me, and I'm a clueless pain in the ass when it comes to these things, I just can't be sure. But I do hope so and it feels good-and scary-to have this much hope. The last time I felt this sort of hope was when I met James. I don't know how to proceed though. Yes, I was excited and hopeful when I met NLNG, but I had my doubts from the beginning when I felt like he wasn't interested in getting to know me after our first date. I chalked it up to nerves, but 6 months later, that feeling hasn't really gone away. I went back and re-read my first couple of posts from after I met him and was surprised by how much doubt was in them, along with some hope.

I know I need to just take this as it comes, one day at a time. That's not easy for me because patience is not my strong suit. I just need to relax and be patient in knowing that the type of guy I am looking for is out there and I don't have to settle for something I know in my heart isn't working. My dear friend told me today that he hopes #1 is the subject of many more of my stories (okay, so I paraphrased to my liking) and that if this has an unhappy ending like the story of NLNG did, I should look at it from the standpoint of having had the stories to tell. He's right (don't let it go to your head). It does feel good to know that I can still turn a head or two. (God help us all if this goes into triple digits, however!)

Close Encounter

2010-09-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

I have a new mission: to find the best turkey burger in Portland. I can't really say what prompted this. I guess it is partly due to wanting-and needing-to eat healthier and partly because I like to try new things.

So far, I have had two. I knew not to expect much from the first one. After all, food in a seedy bar is rarely 5-star quality. It was a disappointing first experience as it was really salty. The second one was from Burgerville, a local fast food chain that prides itself on using local vendors as much as possible. Their food is pretty good, but the turkey burger was pretty bland. So the last time I was at the grocery store, I decided to get some ground turkey and make my own someday.

Last Sunday, I decided a turkey burger made on the grill (George Foreman, but close enough), French fries and corn would be a great end of summer dinner. I needed a few burger fixings and set off for the store. I was thinking I should go to WinCo as it is less expensive than Fred Meyer, but in the end Freddies won out. They typically have better produce but more importantly than that, they have a Starbucks.

I had finished my shopping-gathering the items, that is. I still needed to pay. I was in line at Starbucks waiting for my frappucino when a couple came in the front doors of the store. I recognized them immediately: it was James' old roommate-and one time best friend-and his wife. I almost called out to them. I haven't seen them since the funeral. Like me, they live not far from Freddies so it's kind of weird that it took over 2 1/2 years for me to run into them. It was on the tip of my tongue to call out their names and instead, I turned my head. I hoped they wouldn't see me. And they didn't.

It was a weird experience. Here were two people that had once been our best "couple" friends and I didn't want them to know I was only a few feet away from them. There had been a falling out several years ago when they went through a rough patch. James did not agree with how he treated her during that time. And then when I asked an innocent question about a basketball rule and he bit my head off in response and practically made me cry, James cut off all ties. This was during the time we were in Arizona so it wasn't hard to end that relationship. But then we moved back and by that time, they had reconciled. James wanted to repair his friendship with her, but she chose her husband. I remember sitting at opposite ends of the couch, cross-legged facing each other-our serious discussion position-discussing whether or not to try to mend fences with him. We decided to give it a go; he wasn't willing to meet us halfway. So we let it go.

I knew I had to tell them when James died-that it was the right thing to do. They were one of the last to know-I had a hard time getting her to call me back and that wasn't something I wanted to leave on an answering machine. I don't really remember them at the funeral, but they came up to me at the reception with a picture of James that used to be on their fridge and said it should have been included in the slide show. I know more was said but that is all I remember. It's amazing I even remember that much, truth be told.

I got my coffee and went to pay for my groceries. I tentatively looked down each aisle before crossing it trying to avoid them. I didn't want an awkward conversation about how I'm doing and what they have been up to for the last 2 + years. I didn't want to agree to a get together that would never happen or make a false promise that I would call if I needed them. That time has past. What I wanted was to go home and tell James who I ran into at the store-which of course I couldn't do. It put me in a weird frame of mind for the rest of the day. A week later, I'm still not really sure how I feel about it but I do know I don't care to rekindle that relationship. That ship has sailed. If I do run into them again, I will be civil but I won't seek them out. I think James knows this. I think he would understand and he would be disappointed that they-especially she-was not there for me when I needed his friends the most.

James would not have been disappointed in the turkey burger that led me to almost run into them at the store, however. It turns out I make a damn good one.

Oh Boy

2010-09-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

Way back in March, I briefly met a guy through the fun Meetup group at a showing of "Easy Rider" (I so did NOT see that ending coming) at the Portland Art Museum. It was a brief encounter and I thought nothing of it. At the time, I was still wondering if I would ever be ready to date and still had some pretty huge walls up (as compared to the not quite as tall walls I have built up now).

I ran into him again at our group's monthly potluck and book club discussion in May. ("Catcher in the Rye." Hated it). Again, it was a brief meeting with really no interaction although I did learn a couple of things about him in the course of the discussion about the book. I thought he was kind of shy with a really cute smile and a name I would never be able to pronounce. (He's Indian. As in from India, not Native American).

At the end of June, he came to one of the volunteer projects I hosted at the Food Bank. The group of us went out for drinks afterward-I figured it was the least we could do as he drove a little over an hour (each way) for a 2-hour project. (It feels really weird to say "went out for drinks" when I'm allergic to alcohol).

In July, he co-hosted an event with the main organizer of the fun group: a potluck and outdoor screening of "Up in the Air." (I love that I can access past months of the group's calendar online). We have a lot of potlucks in this group. We joke it is how the main organizer does his grocery shopping. At this event, he came up and gave me a big hug, but I didn't really get a chance to talk to him. I had friends there and he was busy running the projector equipment. It was pretty late when the movie ended and I didn't stay for too long as I was pretty tired.

As I have been broadening my horizons by joining other groups, I have noticed he's in a lot of the same groups as I am. Last month, when I went to my first event with the 30's Group, he was a welcome sight as the only person there that I had already met. We got into a discussion about books but he left before I had a chance to mention a book I have that I thought he might enjoy. So I e-mailed him about it and he did think he would enjoy it and offered to lend me a couple of his in return. I replied with which ones I wouldn't mind reading. And that was the end of that. He never responded to my second e-mail so I wrote him off. Ever since James died, I am really quick to write people off if they disappoint me (except NLNG-the one person I should write off).

And then I ran into him Friday at a Meetup event for a dog lovers group. Because Mother Nature apparently did not get the memo this is supposed to be summer, it was chilly. We ended up sharing my blanket. (Guess who ended up with most of it? Yep, he who made fun of me for being so bundled up). There were only 5 of us that went to the movie and afterward, he and I went for a drink. (The Lucky Lab has really good lemonade). We were there for just under 2 hours and I swear in that time, I learned more about him than I have about NLNG in 5 1/2 months (saw him this weekend too. He called me "Sweetie." First time he has used a pet name. Not really sure where that came from or what to do with it). I had already picked up a few things along the way: he likes movies, likes to read (yea), would not only support my volunteer efforts but on occasion would join me (yea), loves dogs (BIG yea), and he might be the only person I have ever met that talks faster than I do-which is pretty fast. I also learned that he is only 29-yikes!! (coo coo ca choo, Mrs. Robinson). I didn't learn anything about him that made me want to run screaming from the pub. Actually, I want to learn more about him-especially his culture. And how to pronounce his last name. I think it might be the same as the one (tangible) thing I am terrified of. During the conversation, I told him about Schoolhouse Supplies (when you have two people who talk at warp-speed, you can cover a lot of ground in 2 hours). Saturday, he went out and bought supplies to donate to them. Now we are trying to work out how he is going to get them to me.

I drove home thinking that was how I remembered it being with James-and how it should feel even though this wasn't a date. This is not how it feels with NLNG. With him, conversation feels like a chore. I can't get him to open up to me and now that I know the type of guy I would like to date exists, it makes me really feel like I would be settling if I tried to make it work with NLNG. The only problem is NLNG is the one that is (sometimes) interested and this other guy is not. And I don't know when or if another other guy is going to enter my life. I have known this guy for 6 months and have no reason to think he is or ever will be interested in me-maybe if I was 25 and never married instead of 36 and widowed I would have a better chance.

When I got home Friday night (okay, technically it was Saturday morning, but just barely), I found myself telling God that was the type of person I wanted to meet. "Technically, you already have" said the little voice in my head. I can't argue that's not a good point. So I amended it to he's the type of person I want to meet who is also looking to meet me. Apparently, specifics are required. It does give me hope though that one day, I will meet someone who instead of frustrating and confusing me makes my heart sing again.

31 Months and the Red Purse

2010-09-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

Friday after work I met two of my best Meetup friends at Washington Square Mall for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory followed by shopping for "go out" clothes I could wear to speed dating and other events. I'm a very casual person and they think I dress "too old." In addition to needing new clothes, I wanted to go with someone who would force me to step out of my shell. Casual non-descript clothes are just one more thing I hide behind so I can stay neatly tucked away unnoticed on the sidelines of life. We had finished shopping and were walking down to Starbucks when my purse suddenly felt lighter. The strap had broken-probably from too much weight-and there was no way to fix it. I figured it was Labor Day weekend-I had three days to get a new one. I have a couple of small purses that hold the essentials for when I go out and don't want to lug around the "Mom" purse. I ended up just using one of those over the weekend and never made it out to get a new one.

In my last post, I mentioned an incident that took place on Saturday in which a member of one of my Meetup groups took it upon himself to text another member of the group, a good friend of mine, that I showed up to his Meetup with a date and made it clear I was not with the group. I felt this was very inappropriate. I'm not really sure what to do about this. He has been told I am not interested (more than once). I have been wondering if I need to say something to the organizer of the group (who was the one who told me about the crush in the first place) that he may be someone we have to keep in eye on before he develops crushes on other women in the group and drives them away; he's a nice guy when you meet him but he's very pushy and icky when you actually get to know him.

I was thinking about this yesterday at work and was stewing about what I felt to be a huge invasion of my privacy. I found myself picturing a conversation with the organizer in which I said that I am 36 years old, I am single and it has been 2 1/2 years since James died so I have certainly waited long enough by societies standards to test the waters again. That it has actually been almost 31 months and I was free to do what I wanted and it was no one's business and no one had a right to broadcast it.

And then I looked at the calendar. And I saw that it was the 7th. It wasn't "almost" 31 months. It was 31 months and 1 day. The 6th had come and gone. And I missed it. For the first time in 31 months, I was not aware of the day. It wasn't looming over me. It wasn't a reminder. It was just another day. And this felt good. It felt like a definite sign of healing, of moving forward, of being ready for what comes next. I practically felt giddy. I e-mailed a friend. I texted my two widower friends for validation this was a good thing. And then the guilt hit. How could I forget? Does this mean I don't love him enough? Logically, I realize this is a good thing. Today, I have mixed feelings which I will have to discuss with the therapist on Monday. I want to talk about him more than usual anyway-I can't really explain it, but I feel that he is one more thing I am somehow hiding behind. I wonder what he would think about me being completely unaware of the 6th?

Today at lunch, I had to go to Fred Meyer. I decided to get a new purse while I was there. I'm pretty disappointed the other one broke. I really liked it-it was practical, both brown and black so I didn't have to worry about switching it out. (Because that is so not me). And I liked the style. It was cloth with a leather bottom and a leather strap with a zippered main pocket and a zippered side pocket for easy access to the things I need the most and a back pocket to cram receipts and coupons into. I found it's "twin" on the shelf and then found it's "siblings"-same style just all leather instead of cloth. I really like the purse and thought maybe the leather version would be stronger than the cloth. So I picked up the sensible brown one and put it in the cart. And then I picked up the dark red one. I liked the dark red one. Really liked it. But it wasn't sensible-it won't "go" with most of my clothes (Heaven forbid). So I put it back and stepped away. I took three steps and said "Screw it." I put back the sensible brown purse and bought the totally bold and out of character for me red one.

Walking towards the cash register, I noticed the overhead music was "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer-our recessional song and the only song for our wedding we had picked out. I got into the car and when I started it, the song on the radio was Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll, Part 2"-James' favorite song.

Driving back to work all I could think was that we're good and James approves of the red purse.

Round 3

2010-09-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

I determined NLNG did not spend a month in a coma and was not abducted by aliens. Therefore, that was it. No Round 3. Time to move on to greener (or in my case drier) pastures. Time to get back to just having fun and seeing where this road is taking me. He was deleted completely from my phone and completely from my life. I resolved for the billionth time I was done with him. And for the billionth time he came back. Seriously, what is it with this guy?! I could understand once or twice as fluky coincidences. But Every. Single. Time? Really? (And then there's also the whole issue of me not really believing in coincidences).

I was done. Have I mentioned that? And then right after I told a friend that, I logged on to my Meetup account to check the calendar so I could schedule something. I did this 2 minutes after he RSVP'd "maybe" for an event I was hosting on 8/21. I didn't react (well, at least not to him. My co-workers would say otherwise). He didn't end up going, and I felt relieved when he changed it at the last minute to "no" with the comment "Can't make it :(" I wasn't surprised. "Maybes" are generally considered to be "nos" and the event was an 1860's re-eanctment baseball game. He doesn't like to watch sports. Later that evening, he RSVP'd "yes" to an event I was thinking about going to but had not RSVP'd to yet.

On the 25th, I decided to take my therapist's advice and have my eyebrows waxed. She thinks I have beautiful eyes and that I hide them. (She thinks I hide behind a lot of things). It was a whim and it didn't go well from my perspective. The swelling made me feel like I looked like an angry monkey. Even when the swelling went down, I still thought I looked like I was scowling. It turns out I have a scar on the right side that my eyebrows have always hidden thanks to "Heather vs. the Really Heavy Wood Coffee Table" when I was three. And apparently, I'm the only one who sees the scowl. So, I was having a crisis over the whole brow thing and furiously texting back and forth with two friends and trying to take a self-portrait with my cell phone (not as easy thing to do it turns out) so I could show them the horror when I got a text message from NLNG asking me to let him know when I posted my next movie or similar Meetup event. (Complete with a smiley face). And then he sent me a butt-text. And then I smashed and probably broke my pinky toe, which seemed like a fitting way to end the night. (This is the third toe I've "probably" broken. James heard one snap and I still deny I broke it. But that's mainly because I don't want to admit I broke my toe trying to do a cartwheel at the age of 28).

But before the toe vs. the carpet shampooer incident, I texted him back letting him know he butt-texted me and I was thinking about posting a movie for the following week but didn't think it was one he'd want to see ("Eclipse." Team Jacob. Enough said). End of conversation. Until...

After mulling it over (i.e. talking to my co-workers), I decided not to let his going to the event I wanted to go to on the 27th stop me from going. A lot of my favorite people were going to be there. So I went. And so did he. He gave me a hug and said it was good to see me again. I lent him my extra chair and shared my blanket with him. After the movie ("The Blind Side"), I said my good-byes and left without looking back. It was late and I had to get up early the next day. I had an 8:00 chiropractor appointment followed by my first outing with the photography Meetup group (Swan Island Dahlia Festival) followed by stopping by Mt. Tabor to take pictures of members of the fun Meetup group playing Capture the Flag.

After I got home, I decided to go see a funk band play (yep, another Meetup event with the fun group). I was about to walk out the door when I got a text from NLNG inviting me over to watch a movie. I thanked him but said I had other plans. The next day, I sent him a text to see how his movie was, which led to a conversation that we should go see the newly re-released "Avatar" in 3D. His last text came when I was already in bed; I sent my response agreeing to go the next morning (8/30).

And then I heard nothing. On 9/1, I joined a speed dating Meetup group and asked my friends to take me shopping for new speed dating appropriate clothes. On 9/2, I had a volunteer shift for Schoolhouse Supplies manning the donation barrels at the free Oregon Symphony Concert down on the waterfront. The whole way there, I told myself I was only doing speed dating to practice talking to guys and that I needed to find a way to not be so disappointed when I didn't get any matches. I thought about how I have a ton of questions for my friend who has done this and how I should probably ask him before I interrogate him.

I was people watching on my shift and thinking that I needed to just delete the latest round of text messages and I need to meet someone with whom I am not going to be constantly playing games or testing each other. Someone with whom I can have a healthy relationship. I look to my right. And there he is standing no more than 20 feet away. "For the love of God, you have got to be kidding me." I look again. Yep, that is definitely him. I look up to the Universe. "Seriously?! What did I DO to you?!?!" Every. Single. Time. (It's almost comical at this point because really, what else can I do but laugh-besides bang my head on the wall). He starts walking my way. I decide to not get his attention. I decide to just let him go. I'm standing right next to an entryway. He's focused on his iPhone. He almost walks right by me and at the last second looks up and sees me. (At this point, I'm pretty pissed off about being blown off not once, but twice).

I admit I was more than a bit frosty to him. I'm not proud of this (now. I was acting out of anger then). He asked me to join him when I was done volunteering. I told him my allergy meds were wearing off and I was going to go home and stick my head in the oven (the schizo weather had been wreaking havoc on my sinuses-still is). He seemed disappointed. Said to call him if I changed my mind. The concert started and I found myself enjoying the music. So I stayed. And we had a good time. He walked me back to my car; I gave him a ride home. We agreed to see "Avatar" on Saturday (9/4).

Friday, I sent him the theater info and the correct show time (as promised). I suggested a time to meet in the lobby. I got no response. The fun Meetup group was going as well, so I knew if nothing else I could watch it with them. An hour before we were supposed to meet, he sent me a text saying he'd see me soon in the lobby.

I got there first and ran into the Meetup group. The Org for that event has a crush on me. He has been told that I am not interested-more than once. He had waved to me from the parking lot; I told him I didn't see him waving and wasn't with the group. He kept insisting I was. When it was his turn to buy his ticket, I escaped to the bathroom. NLNG was waiting when I came back out. When Pushy Meetup Guy saw us together, he texted one of my best friends from the group to let her know I was on a date (she knew). I'm guessing he was hoping she'd say it was nothing serious-even though she told him (again) the night before I have said I am not interested in dating him. This really annoyed me. He really needs to leave my life alone.

After the movie and lunch, NLNG walked me to my car, gave me a hug and said he'd see me real soon. On my way home, I thought about how busy I had been lately and that it would be nice to stay home and watch movies. I sent him a text inviting him over. He asked if we could do Sunday instead. That was fine-3D is an awesome effect, but it did make me sick to my stomach and gave him a headache. I suggested 7:00. I heard nothing until he showed up around 7:15.

I tried to ask him why he has his guard up-why he has built up such strong walls. All I got was an acknowledgment that I was right about that. He left around 1:00 saying he'd see me again "real soon." I'm not holding my breath. Yesterday, I joined another singles Meetup group. I figure it'll be another month before I hear from him again.

I was asked why I keep going back. The obvious is that I'm lonely and he's the only one (with whom there is mutual interest) that is asking. The not so obvious is that I like the parts I have seen when the walls have come down a bit. What if behind the walls is a really great guy and I let that go too soon? And I really can't get past him showing up every time I resolve to be done and actually take steps to move forward. (That goes back to that whole not believing in coincidences quirk of mine).

He'll be back. In the meantime, I'm just going to keep doing my thing. Hopefully, one of these times he will come back to find that he's too late-that I have met someone else and have moved on.

Talking to Guys

2010-08-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

My friend told me earlier today he likes to hear all my "cute guy of the day" stories. And he agrees I need to find new nicknames for them. He also thinks I need to go on a date with someone other than NLNG-a point I'm not arguing. I would gladly do that if there was one I was interested in that asked.

So I told him about Food Bank Guy. (I don't actually know what his name is). Back in January, the organizer of the fun Meetup group set us up to volunteer for the Food Bank twice a month. They only schedule out a few months at a time so we were only on their calendar through April. In April, I offered to take that over and keep it going, which is how I ultimately became an assistant organizer for the group despite my best efforts for that to not happen. (It has actually been good for me). Food Bank Guy volunteers directly for the Food Bank so he is not part of our group (which is why I don't know his name).

At our first project this month, my dear friend and I were talking about boys like we always do. I pointed out that I think Food Bank Guy is cute. She looked at him and said he was a little young. (She's the same age as my mom). I gave her a look and then she said "Oh! You meant for you." Then we dissolved into a fit of giggles. We're real mature like that.

Prior to this, Food Bank Guy has either completely ignored me or has given me borderline dirty looks. I didn't really think much of it because NLNG has been in the picture since I took over this project. (He still sort of is. Although this time it appears he's blowing me off before the date instead of after. Whatever). After I said that, he was helping me get the last of our pinto beans from the big bag into the serving bags and made a couple of cutesy comments, which I'm pretty sure I had a smart ass response to.

As we were leaving, I noticed he rode a motorcycle (strike 1) and possibly smokes (strike 2). I made the passing comment it was a nice night for a bike ride. Which lead to a nice discussion about road kill. Yeah, and I wonder why exactly it is I'm single? Apparently, he wasn't too phased by this as the last time we were there he was teasing me about being one of those perfectionist people, to which I responded I was all about feeding as many hungry as I could. (He also gave me the stellar advice that maybe I shouldn't put all my weight on a (most likely) broken toe. Ya think?) Given his completely ignoring me before, I can't help but wonder if he overheard the comment I made about him being cute though I thought I said it pretty quietly.

I also told my friend about the new guy that came to my monthly widowed people dinner last night. His wife died suddenly from a heart condition about the same time James did the same. And he's really cute. I decided that as the group organizer, it was my duty to sit next to him and the new girl to make sure they felt welcomed and included in the conversation. (Actually, as the org., that IS my duty, but I digress). In talking to him (she was talking to someone else), I felt I was interrogating him. I sent them both an e-mail today saying it was nice to meet them, let me know if they have any questions about the group, hope to see them again, etc. I suspect I won't.

So I have come to the conclusion that I'm good as long as it is someone I don't find attractive. (Though I'm not sure how that explains my total comfort with NLNG the moment I met him. But then again, there isn't much about him that does make sense). I had a great conversation recently with the parking garage attendant about the Portland Beavers and what the chances of them staying in Portland are after this season. I have no problems talking to men with whom there is no chance I am going to date them. But when it comes to the ones I think are cute I either come across like a moron, interrogate them, or clam up completely. I'm thinking about joining a speed dating Meetup because clearly, I need to relearn how to talk to guys.

And for you my Canadian friend, today's cute guy is a high school teacher friend of Volunteer Guy, who I never noticed had dimples (I love me some dimples) until earlier today when I had the chance to interrogate him.

Grandkids

2010-08-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

There are 10 grandchildren on my mother's side of the family. Interestingly, with one exception we were born in the birth order of our parents.

Aunt M is the oldest. She had the first four grandkids-three boys and a girl, though I don't remember if the girl or one of the boys is the youngest. Next in line is Aunt G. She is mom to the fifth and sixth grandchildren, both girls. Then there is my mom who, of course, is responsible for my brother and I. Finally, there is Uncle M, who has a daughter. Aunt G had the final grandson-a surprise when her girls were already old enough to babysit him when he was born. (It's also interesting that if you reverse their birth order, that's how many kids they have. Have I mentioned I'm a numbers person?)

Uncle M's daughter, who in my eyes is still a little girl but in realty is 28, just had a baby girl of her own. I think she's too young, but that's because last time I saw her she was just a toddler. I was thinking about this last night and it dawned on me that other than Aunt G's youngest, I am the only grandchild that does not have a child of my own.

I don't know how many kids Aunt M's boys have, but I know they all have at least one. Her daughter is 12 years older than I am so the first two boys are definitely a lot older than me. And my girl cousin on this branch not only has three children, she's now a grandma herself. (And looks amazingly like Aunt M!)

One of Aunt G's daughters has two kids-a son and a daughter, who was adopted from China. The other daughter has three-two boys and a daughter adopted from China. Aunt G's daughters are very close and the second one adopted so the first one's daughter would have a cousin that was "just like her." At least that's my mother's version.

My brother has two sons. And now my baby girl cousin is a mommy too. That just leaves Grandchild #10 and I. He is only 24. (In his pictures on Facebook, he looks about 12. He's a cute kid. I'd really like to know who he, the younger of his two sisters and my brother all got their curly hair from. Come to think of it, I vaguely remember one of Aunt M's older boys as having curly hair too. The rest of us have stick straight hair. Hmm...sounds like a genealogy question). I suspect it won't be long before Mom tells me he has gotten married and not too long after that when she tells me Aunt G is going to be a grandma again.

My mother has told me I was the only child her father ever liked. He died when I was a year old, so who knows if this is true. I know it's irrational but I can't help but feel that by not carrying on the bloodline, I have let him-and my grandmother-down.

Prime, Favorites and Change

2010-08-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

I have been in a funk lately and this one has been harder to get out of than the other funks I have been in recently. I'm sure my poor eating habits and lack of exercise and sleep have something to do with it but I know it is more than that. Once again, I am finding myself looking ahead at a long road that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Once again, I am finding I don't really have anything to look forward to in life.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately because of a book. The main organizer of the fun Meetup group hosts a book club discussion and potluck each month based on Modern Library's 100 greatest novels. (I'm starting to wonder who came up with this list and what they were smoking when they did). The book we are reading for September is called "The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie," by Muriel Spark. Set in 1930's Scotland, it is about an eccentric schoolteacher who, in the "prime" of her life, takes a group of 6 girls under her wing and teaches them with her unorthodox style.

Miss Brodie is a spinster. She was engaged to be married but her fiance was killed. She did fall in love again, but renounced him because he was married and instead had a loveless affair with someone else. Though it doesn't specifically say-or if it does I missed it-I'm assuming she is about my age. I think it is being able to relate to her as someone who lost their love early that got me thinking. What if this is it? What if this is the prime of my life? That thought has me down-I would hope my prime would be a lot happier than this! I want the prime of my life to be awesome-full of fun, laughter and love. I had that with James. Could it be that at 36 I am already past my prime? There's a cheery thought.

It was a YouTube video that provided the boost I needed to shake this line of thinking out of my head. My widower friend posted a video the other day which was a short film in which John C. Reilly asks random people if they are anyone's favorite person. My friend made the comment that it wasn't so long ago that that was an easy question to answer. He later added the comment he needed to work on making himself his favorite person. At first the video just added to my funk. It sucks not being anyone's favorite person anymore. Then I started thinking about it from another perspective and I realized in addition to not being anyone's favorite person, I don't have a favorite person either. After being gone for 2 1/2 years, James is still my favorite person. I like a lot of people who are living but can't really say any of them are my favorite. Well, at least not sarcastically. I told my friend that James was still my favorite person and if I made a list of all my favorite living people he'd be on it and I was going to follow his lead and move myself to the top of that list. I didn't tell him that I've been filled with so much self-loathing lately that I was starting to wonder if I have ever truly hated myself as much as I do now. But it was a freeing decision in that it put me back in the mindset of living life on MY terms.

At my last appointment, my therapist said that I should think about having my eyebrows waxed and I should change my hairstyle. She thinks I have really pretty eyes and I need to bring them out. She also thinks I am hiding behind my hair (and a host of other things). I am resistant to change-what if it turns out horrible and I look worse than I already do? Well, the good news about hair (including eyebrows) is that it grows back. So Wednesday after work, on a whim, I went and had my eyebrows "done." (Who on Earth decided waxing was a good idea?!) Then I dyed my hair a lighter shade with more red in it, though it's kind of hard to tell since it was still pretty dark from getting the wrong color about a year or so ago. And then I cried. It didn't help that my eyebrow area was swollen from the wax job-I was convinced I looked like an angry monkey. I texted a couple of friends who insisted I send a picture (taking a good picture of yourself on a cell phone is not easy!). They both thought I looked great-I thought they were lying but at least I eventually stopped crying.

I have been growing half my bangs out for the last 4 months so I have been wearing them pulled back with a barrette. They are finally long enough that I can tuck them behind my ear on the left, but with a side part, they don't stay tucked on the right. Still, I decided to try wearing it down with my bangs swept to the side instead of across my forehead on Friday. One of my (male) co-workers did a double take and told me he's "feeling the hair." Three other co-workers (two female, one male) also approved. I didn't really think it was an improvement, but a couple of Meetup friends also said I looked good on Friday and again last night so maybe after a few more glances in the mirror when I start to recognize the girl looking back at me, I'll start to like what I see too.

My tax license

2010-08-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

At the end of 2002, I was at a crossroad. I had been at my job with the local CAT dealership for 5 years and I was not happy. I had tried to leave the year before but was enticed to stay with a hefty raise and the promise of more supervisory-type responsibilities. I was young and restless and I wanted to see if I had it in me to be more than an entry-level staff accountant. The company I worked for, however, was (as my co-worker liked to say) heavy on the chiefs and light on the Indians. Every time there were cuts, they were done at the staff level with the remaining staffers expected to pick up the slack By the end of 2002, I had absorbed payroll and the other staff accountant's tasks in addition to my own. I was burnt out. The assistant controller was starting to make noise about retiring-I liked to point out he started working there the year I was born-and the controller wanted to groom me to take over that position. I realized that while I adored the assistant controller (he was what I imagined a favorite uncle would be like), I didn't want to be him.

I knew I wanted to stay in the accounting field but wasn't sure what I wanted to do in it, so I decided to go to H&R Block Tax School. James and I decided that if nothing else it would make me more versatile and possibly more marketable. (In a case of it's a small world, my next door neighbor was in the class as well-the class was one of many offered in Portland, not Vancouver-and that is actually how we got to know him. He would come over on Sundays to study with me). While he was never pushy about it, James always thought I should go back to school for the random 10 credits I need to sit for the CPA exam and get my license. Right after the class ended, my friend had a client who was hiring so I applied for that position and got the job. It worked out well-I was able to interview the week I was on "maternity leave" with Sammy so I didn't have to make up lame excuses for taking off work.

I had just gotten my license and that first year I didn't have to do any continuing education. Before the end of the first year, we moved to Arizona so I put my license in inactive status. I decided I would hold on to it and keep up with the education in case I ever decided to pursue this-we were thinking along the lines I could do it part time after I retired.

For the last few years, I have wondered why I am keeping it. I am not preparing taxes professionally, nor do I have any plans to start. Because of all the intricate rules that come with owning a rental property and because of now having to deal with the State Franchise Tax Board of California, whom I have had to try to convince James does not owe money to, I am no longer planning to do my own taxes. Between the education and the license fee it is costing me several hundred dollars a year that I don't really have in the budget right now for a license I'm not using. If I have tax questions, I just annoy my CPA friends with them. But I'm having a hard time letting it go and I don't know why. I guess I feel like a failure and like I'm a disappointment if I do.

I wish I could talk this over with James. He was the one who patiently listened to me complain about how tired I was while taking the class and who patiently accepted I had homework to do on the weekends and couldn't go out and play until I was done. He was the one that sat me on the futon and made me finish my homework when I tried to convince him we should do something-anything else. He was the one that had to listen to me go on and on about how I failed the state exam while we waited for my results. He was the one that said "I told you so" when I told him I passed. He was the one who was not the least bit surprised I scored so well. (I was shocked beyond belief).

My license is up for renewal at the end of September. If I keep it, I have to do 60 hours of continuing education between now and then because I went inactive last year and would have to do my hours for both years. If James was here, we would be sitting on the couch cross-legged facing each other weighing the pros and cons. Of course, if he was here, I wouldn't have the rental and would be doing our taxes so the basis for the conversation would be completely different. He would help me pinpoint who I feel like I am failing or disappointing. He would tell me he would support either choice. Perhaps what is weighing me down is the reality that no one really cares what I do-hell, most people don't even know I have a tax license-about this or any choice I make. There is no one to disappoint except myself and I've been pretty disappointed lately.

This seems like such a stupid thing to be sitting here in tears over. It's not like I couldn't go back to tax school and get another license down the road if I chose to. And if I did that, it would probably be because I was in a position where someone else was paying for it. It seems stupid to keep paying for something I might, but realistically most likely won't use some day 30 years from now. And quite frankly, I'm hoping that when I retire I will actually be in a position to not have to work part time. I'm looking forward to my second "career" as a professional volunteer.

It is days like this that I really, really hate this life. I just wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who could help me see it is okay if I let go and to help me understand why I can't.

Another Change

2010-08-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

We brought Sammy and Charlie home in December 2002. James brought Sammy home on Friday, December 13th. I wasn't home-I was spending the night in Salem so I wouldn't have to drive down first thing Saturday morning to take the Oregon State Tax Preparers License exam (I got a 95% on it, which was the high score that year. I don't know how many of us received that score). So I missed Sammy's first night home but I do believe a bond was formed between the two of them. Sammy has always been pretty equal opportunity but he did seem to slightly favor James. We brought Charlie home the following weekend. It wasn't our plan to get them so close together but the first week Sammy was home, James had to go to the coast to train a company on how to use the MV-90 metering system. I took that week off work and by the time he got home, neither Sammy nor I would stop crying. So we got a friend for Sammy. Charlie has been my dog since the first moment I picked him up, although I would tell James Charlie was his dog too.

At this point, we had been together for just under 3 years, were living in our first house and everyone we met just assumed we were married. We didn't correct them. So I'm not really sure if it was this assumption or another miscommunication at the vet's office when we went in for the first time that led to our account name. We decided it would be best if both our names were on the account so either of us could bring the dogs in without any hassles. Somehow instead of the account being under Heather G and James R, it ended up as James & Heather R/G. We never corrected it.

When James died, they took him off the account. Because I was facing the possibility of having to prove my relationship with James was more than just roommates, I had them add it back. Once things got settled legally, I left it on there. They are still his dogs after all. But lately, I was having a hard time remembering his name came first on the account. A sign of healing or forgetting him, I don't know. So when Charlie was going through his ordeal last month, I had one of the girls that knew us both and knew what happened take him off the account. I told her it's been 2 1/2 years. I don't think he's going to rise from the dead.

That was one of the harder things I have done. It's weird to call them with just my name; it's weird to see just my name on all the paperwork. I wanted to keep one of the pill bottles from one of Charlie's (many) prescriptions from the infection and subsequent surgery because I realized it's the last time our names will appear together. Even though I have them together on other things, there's something about it being the last time that makes it hard to part with.

In my heart, they are still as much his dogs as they are mine and always will be. The name on the account is just a formality. But once again, I feel I have erased another part of him. That's something I don't think I am ever going to get used to.

Trying to stay strong

2010-08-19T22:48:00.000-07:00

After much debate, I decided to take a couple days off work to enjoy the last days of summer which really just finally got around to starting. So naturally, most of today was drizzling and instead of lounging in the sun reading a book in shorts and a t-shirt (and sunscreen, of course!), I was bundled up at Family Day at my godson's Rodeo Bible Camp in jeans and a sweatshirt. And yet it was almost 100 degrees on Monday. Gotta love the weather in the NW!

Part of my reason for taking today and tomorrow off was to recharge my batteries. I've been pretty busy again lately and no matter what I do, I can't seem to catch up on all the sleep I missed during the whole broken A/C-sleeping in a strange place-sick dog ordeal of last month. So my energy level is pretty non-existence and my overall mood is pretty low.

I just feel so hopeless and ugly. I have never felt so alone in my life and the more alone I feel, the more part of me wants to embrace it and just shut out everyone and everything. I am back to the point of just wanting to bury my nose in book after book. I just want to escape-at least my preferred choice for doing so is healthier than some other options would be.

I hit a low last night when I found out someone I know is interested in me has a new girlfriend. I am in no way interested in this person-I cringe when he hugs me and the more I find out about him the more disgusted I become. Yet he found someone. It seems everyone can-except me. We were at a baseball game last night with mutual friends who joke their role is to couple up all their single friends. This guy is the third one since they moved here in January that has hung out with them for a couple of months and then presto! he's in a relationship. I asked if they just liked me better than the rest and are in no hurry to get rid of me, or if I'm just defective and unfortunately for them, they are just stuck with me.

I had my eye on a cowboy today at the rodeo but he was one of the coaches helping the kids mount their bulls and horses so I only got to admire from afar. But as I was walking home (the Saddle Club is right down the street) I realized it didn't really matter because there were only three categories he could possibly fall into anyway: married, douchebag or (and most likely) not the least bit interested. I had to fight the overwhelming urge to cry.

Which led to spending all afternoon and evening fighting a very strong urge to respond to NLNG's text. Yes, I deleted it. Yes, I deleted his number-which really did no good since I have it memorized; it's a pretty easy number and has the same last 4 digits as another of my friends, with the first two switched. I'm a numbers person. I notice these things. I wanted to respond yesterday too, but the urge wasn't so strong. I want to respond for the wrong reason: I'm lonely, I hate it and he's the only person I've met since James died who has really piqued my interest (well, Latest Cute Guy can come to Heather, but after two conversations, I'm pretty sure when he sees me, he sees dollar signs-he's a shrink, after all. Oh, and there's the part where he's frickin' gorgeous and I'm pretty average looking).

I've resisted the urge so far, thanks in large part to MaryJanice Davidson's Betsy the Vampire Queen. What's not to love about a super sarcastic reluctant vampire with a shoe fetish? But I still have tomorrow and the weekend to get through. And while I have things planned for the weekend, the only things I have going on tomorrow are a doctor appointment, which is not until 2:00 and "Flicks on the Bricks" which isn't until dusk. It has the potential to be a long, lonely day.

I know it is most likely in my best interest to stay strong. I know it is better to be alone than constantly guessing and with someone who makes me doubt my worthiness, who makes me feel small and who I'm convinced doesn't really like my dogs. I know it is better to let him become someone else's problem to deal with. Round 3 would most likely end up like rounds 1 & 2. I don't want to end up right back here. What I want is to not feel like I am so damn defective.

They were right.

2010-08-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

After I sent the last text to NLNG asking him to see a movie with me, which went ignored, everyone told me he'd be back. I wasn't completely convinced this time. I was wrong.

I am lucky in that I work for a pretty laid back company and I do send texts back and forth to friends while at work-not every day and some days more than others. Friday was one of the days in which I had conversations going with a couple of friends. So when I was running errands at lunch and my phone beeped, I thought it was one of them. Nope. It was from him: "Did you see inception? I've been having problems with my phone. :("

For an entire month? The last time he contacted me was on July 18th when he came over and when he hugged me good-bye for a very long time and said he'd talk to me soon. Even if this is true, in this day and age there are so many other ways he could have gotten a hold of me. He knows the name of the company I work for. He could have called me there using a pay phone. We belong to the same Meetup group; he could have sent me an e-mail through there or posted a greeting to my profile. He hasn't done anything with the group we belong to lately but he has been doing things with other groups he belongs to so clearly he has had access to the Internet. It isn't that he's been having problems with his phone-it's that he hasn't wanted to have anything to do with me.

He doesn't deserve an answer to his text. At least not any time soon. He'll figure out I haven't seen the movie when it comes to the $3 theater by my house and I post it as a Meetup event and he gets the e-mail announcing it. (Unless he leaves the group, I can't prevent him from getting that). He doesn't deserve an answer and more importantly, I don't deserve to be treated like a yo-yo. (Although, I could text him back "I'm not a yo-yo. If that's what you are looking for, I believe there's a Toys R Us at Lloyd Center.")

His text did not make me happy. In fact, it pissed me off so badly I spent about a 1/2 hour in my co-worker's office fuming about it. I was spitting mad-not the sign of a girl who's wanting to see someone again. It happened when I thought it would-after I got back to a place of being okay. After I felt I got some mojo back (thanks to a nice conversation with an incredibly HOT guy who unfortunately has the exact back story as NLNG. Seriously?). He's not waiting for me to respond because he wants to hear from me. He's waiting to hear from me to make sure I'm still reeled in. Well, he can bite me. As I told my therapist, unless he's been in a coma or abducted by aliens (and can prove it) for the last month, there is no need for a round 3. Clearly, he's been neither.

But, and there's always a but. There's a part of me that still wonders "what if?" What if the 3rd time is a charm and I'm blowing it by not responding? What if there is a reason he pops up every single time I pray for a sign I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life, as I did once again Friday morning? What if he is the one I'm supposed to be with? I can't say that makes me happy-unless I imagine the life I want to have, which so far he has not shown me any glimpses of having. I almost deleted his messages. The only reason I didn't is because I was so angry and as I'm still struggling with what I believe in, I didn't want to put out large amounts of the wrong kind of energy-just in case.

I told my mom this morning I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't make me happy. But at the same time, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. She told me I was still sort of young (I'm 36) and that I probably wouldn't be (emphasis on "probably"). She used her hesitant "I'm saying what you want to hear" voice. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. After all, this is the woman who didn't name me Heather Amy or Heather Alice like she wanted because she "didn't want me to be a HAG my entire life" and who gave me a small diamond ring for my 21st birthday because "every woman should have one at least once in her lifetime" and who told me not to screw it up when James and I first started dating because if it didn't work out it would be my fault. It pretty much blows when the person who is supposed to be your biggest supporter is the one who has the least amount of faith in you and has been that way since you were born.

Last week, I went to a dinner with one of my new groups (which is where the conversation with Latest Cute Guy (I am seriously running out of nicknames) took place). There was a guy there who I know from the fun Meetup group. It turns out he and LCG know each other from some other Meetup group. The three of us and the other two girls at our table started talking about books. The guy I already knew left before I could tell him I have a book he might like, so I went to our group page, pulled up his profile and e-mailed him about it the next morning. (Not exactly rocket science. In fact, it was pretty frickin' easy). He responded Friday he would like to read it. I keep making myself re-read his message. Not because I am trying to analyze it for hidden meaning-I'm taking it at face value: we both like to read and may have books to swap. I'm making myself re-read it to remind myself I have met decent guys since James died; there may not be an interest there but they do exist. Maybe the next time I meet a decent guy, there will be interest and it will be mutual. It only takes one.

I deleted the messages. A part of me is afraid I have sent some sort of irreversible message to the Universe that will result in me growing up to be the crazy dog lady at the end of the street (Why not? I'm already the freak widow at the end of the street). Part of me feels empowered though-like I've sent a message that says "Next please. I deserve SO much better than this. Why don't you bring that on?"

"My Wish"-Rascal Flatts

2010-08-09T21:13:00.000-07:00

I heard this song for the first time recently at my godson's 8th grade graduation. The next day, I Googled it to find out the name and artist so I could add it to my Rhapsody playlist at work. I like to think this is what James would have said to me if he had been given the chance to say good-bye.

"I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget, (This line gets me EVERY time)
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big"

The Saga Continues

2010-08-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

I had a very interesting chain of events happen towards the end of June which made my head spin. (Detailed here). I ended up calling NLNG back that night and left a message. He called the next day but I was out and about having food and drinks following a volunteer project at the food bank so we didn't talk long. (It's amazing how hungry you get volunteering there!) The conversation ended with me saying I'd talk to him in a day or two. I figured if he didn't call Wednesday, I'd call Thursday. Well, he didn't call Wednesday and that night was when I had the whole rib-pulling pukefest action going on so when I would have called him on Thursday I was still contemplating welcoming death. Not really the best time to call.

So I sent him a text message on Friday morning that I was sorry I hadn't called him back but was really sick. I heard nothing back and about 6:00 was having this huge internal rant about what a jerk he was because even if you only like someone a little the least you could do is send a return "hope you feel better" text and how I was totally through with him and how I deserve better, blah blah blah. So naturally right in the middle of my internal rant, he called. (Another "seriously, Universe?" moment). I ended up inviting him over for a movie. (I'd blame the fever but I didn't have one). So he came over armed with Gatorade and a movie from his collection. We chatted afterward and he thanked me for inviting him over and said he had fun. I said I did too (I didn't throw up so that in itself made the evening a success in my eyes). I asked if I was going to see him again. He said yes. I asked if it was going to be in more than a month or less than a month. (I probably could have been a little less sarcastic when I asked). He said less than. I decided not to hold my breath. He left shortly after that-kind of abruptly I thought but I was sick so I didn't really dwell on it.

At the urging of my friend, I sent him a Happy 4th of July text on Sunday. He called a little while after that. I thought about inviting him to come watch fireworks with me, but in the end chickened out. I didn't hear from him again until Wednesday when he called while I was in the middle of hosting bunco to see if I wanted to do something over the weekend-having forgotten I was planning to be out of town. So, I called him back and said I would have liked to but I would be gone. We agreed if I got back early enough on Sunday we'd get together to watch "The Hangover."

This was during the time the compressor was blown on my A/C and my house was oh so pleasant. On Thursday, I decided it was too hot to stay home and since I was taking Friday off, I didn't have to worry about my normal bedtime and could go to a movie. I sent him a text message with the details and asked if he was interested since he doesn't have A/C. He said he'd come if he could get off work in time. I decided to set it up as a last minute event for the fun Meetup group as well. He did make it to the movie but was late and didn't end up sitting with us. After the movie, we were talking about it and the other two that came to see it left so we chatted some more about it and then he just said "it was nice seeing you again" and started to walk off. I stood there waiting for my head to unspin.

I ended up catching him in the parking lot and asked if he wanted to go get something to eat. We did and had a great time. When we walked back to our cars, I finally grew a pair and asked if something had changed that made it so he didn't want to see me anymore. He said no, that he wanted and thought he was ready for a serious committed relationship but wasn't in that place. I said that was fair, gave him a hug and said to give me a call sometime. He gave me a kiss and said he would and to have a great weekend away.

When I got back on Sunday, I could have called him to see if he wanted to come watch the movie, but it was still too hot in my house for my liking so I decided to go to book club instead. I figured it would be cooler there and there would be food-another thing my house was lacking. After book club, I was waiting at the vet's office to pick up the boys and was toying with texting him when he texted me asking how my weekend was. I responded it was good and asked about his. He called about 5 minutes later and we chatted for a bit-the vet's office is incredibly slow and they were unusually busy so I had time (it's a 24/7 emergency clinic). Again the call ended with us agreeing to talk again in a couple of days.

I heard from him again on Wednesday (14th for those keeping score). He sent me a text asking if I was on the walk and if I was did I want to come over since his new apartment would be on my way home. I responded with "What walk? I am at home." I didn't hear back right away so I wondered if he had meant to send that to someone else. Nope, he meant me and had his days confused-the walk in question was the next day. I said I would be on the walk if it was less than 80 degrees when I had to leave my house for it and thanked him for the invitation saying I would have taken him up on it if I had been on a walk. He said he would take a rain check. An hour after that, he sent another text asking if I wanted to come over after the walk if I went on it or before if I didn't. It was after 10:00 at this point and I was in bed so I didn't respond until the next morning, and responded that was fine and I would know more when I got off work.

After work, it was over 80 and I just don't do well in the heat. So I sent him a text I wasn't going on the walk and my A/C was fixed. We agreed he would come over since it was cooler at my house to watch "The Hangover." We had a good time-I was paying the price the next day for staying up too late on a school night!

I was pretty booked up with things that weekend-I had RSVP'd for a ton of Meetup things after he blew me off but Charlie's surgery changed that up a bit and he ended up coming over on Sunday for pizza and a movie. This was the 18th. When he left he said he'd talk to me soon. I haven't heard from him since-including no response to the text I sent him last Thursday to see if he wanted to see "Inception" over the weekend or come over for a home cooked meal and a movie. Saturday, I deleted him from my contacts. I have his text messages still so I can relate this to my therapist on Monday to get her take on it-they will be deleted after that. My friends think I will hear from him again but I'm not so sure this time. James' best friend thinks I may have been giving him mixed signals and he's confused and gave up because that was the easier route to take. I think he may have met someone else. If I'm smart, if he does come back around, I won't let there be another round.

I'm disappointed and I fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life-nothing new there. Mostly I hate how this has shaken what little faith in myself I had built back up. I hate how I am doubting myself and wonder if I did send mixed signals (which if I did I am truly sorry for) or if this was just bad timing or if he was never really interested in all. I just know it shouldn't be this hard and if it was right it wouldn't be. I keep wondering what he is doing and keep telling myself I shouldn't since he's clearly not thinking about me. I keep telling myself if this is what he's like in the "honeymoon phase" what's it going to be like when that period ends and do I really want to stick around to find out? I just wish I felt like I had other options.

Actually, I do. It has been confirmed now by more than one source there is another guy in the group that has a crush on me. I am not attracted to him, however and I lost respect for him when I found out he does not respect the partnership of two good friends of mine. (How ironic-the ball game just ended and the song DirecTV is playing is Michael Buble's "I Just Haven't Met You Yet"). Actually, he told them he was thinking about asking me out but didn't think I would say yes. He was told to go with that and that I was already spoken for. (This must have been during the last "game on" phase). There's another guy I am friendly with but lately he seems to be getting a little more friendly than I am completely comfortable with-not in a physical way but with the things he says. Again, he's a nice guy but I'm not romantically attracted to him and he's almost old enough to be my dad (well, technically he could be if he started really young). After losing one that was almost 8 years older, I'm more than a bit hesitant to double that. They both have said I'm really cool-as have several others in the group, both male and female. So why is it the only person who can't seem to see that is the one I most want to?

I'm taking steps to try to get my mojo back. I keep getting told I need to just focus on having fun and getting out there. Well, that was what I was doing-and was doing a damn good job of it-until a stupid boy had to come and screw it all up. (The beer he left in my fridge is so totally going to book club on Sunday). I am working my way back to that place. I dropped a Meetup group I wasn't doing anything with and was about to get kicked out of anyway for not paying my dues. (Why pay dues when I can do the same things with other groups with better attended events for free?) I added some new ones: one specifically geared for people in their 30's, one for single dog lovers, one for photography and one for survivors of online dating (because that's just funny). I don't expect to meet anyone in these groups-like most groups, the events are sparse and are attended mostly by women and men old enough to be my dad (except the 30's group, of course). I also feel like I am now looking and I firmly believe you don't find someone when you are looking. So what I really need to get out of these new groups is back to the place where my only concern is having fun. I was there once-I can get there again. I hope.

Good-bye July!

2010-08-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

Good-bye July! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

July has not been a good month. It started off with me getting sick on the first. Right after I recovered from that, I had to take Charlie to the vet (on the 5th). He had an infected anal gland that had abscessed and didn't show any signs of not feeling well until it was too late. The vet started him on antibiotics but at his recheck on the 9th, it was determined he wasn't healing as quickly as he should and he was given an additional antibiotic and a pain pill. It was during this time that my air conditioner broke-on what was at the time the hottest day of the year (7/7)-and the night I was to host bunco at my house with guests that included a woman 6 months pregnant with twins. My guests were gracious about playing in my 84 degree living room. I felt bad for my friend and for Charlie, who had to wear the cone. The only plus in this month was James had the A/C unit installed after we moved in and it was still under full warranty so I didn't have to pay for the repair, which happened on the 12th and was just over $1,000.

The 8th was even hotter and my living room got up to 87 degrees. I had a weekend trip to the coast planned and I decided to go even though I didn't want to leave Charlie. He was on meds though so there wasn't really anything I could do and I was boarding them at the vet's office so he was in good hands. I was to drop them off on the 9th, but it was too hot in my house so I dropped them off the evening of the 8th instead and sought refuge at the $3 movie theater ("Get Him to the Greek" was about what I expected and definitely a $3 movie).

The temperature outside had cooled down slightly by the time I got back from the coast but not my house. It was still 84 when I got home around 2:00 on the 11th. I had a book club meeting that afternoon and it was 83 when I got home from that. I decided to bring the dogs home even though I would have liked it to be a little cooler in the house. What can I say-I missed them. I was relieved to see Charlie seemed to be doing better with the additional meds.

But that didn't last long and I ended up taking him back for another recheck on the 14th. The bottom line was something on the outside had scabbed over so the icky stuff on the inside couldn't get out. I was to give it a few more days and if he wasn't any better I would have to consider surgery. When I took him in for his appointment on Saturday (17th), the vet took one look at him and said "hmm." It wasn't a good "hmm" and I ended up leaving my little guy there for a glandectomy. I have learned more about anal glands in animals than any non-vet person really needs to know. It turned out this was the right move to make as the infected gland had actually ruptured and the infection was spreading to other areas. And it also turns out that I am a pretty strong person generally but not at all when it comes to something being wrong with one of my boys.

I was able to bring him home that night, but about 10 minutes after I got home, I took him back as there was a lot of discharge from the surgery site and that didn't seem normal to me. (Luckily, I live close to the vet). Charlie came home doing much better the next morning, but for the next several days, he had the hardest time getting comfortable, understandably so and between the heat, his infection and then surgery, I went 16 consecutive nights with little to no sleep and still have not caught up.

Charlie was given a clean bill of health when his stitches came out this morning. He is doing a lot better-definitely acting like himself again, and no longer living in the laundry basket where he took up residency for several days. I actually kind of liked him sleeping in the laundry basket as it meant he wasn't trying to sleep on my head.

While all this was going on with Charlie, my computer started acting up and ultimately ended up going to the Geek Squad on the 19th. Nine days later, I was told it was toast. I had a meltdown over that. It was James' computer and I felt he would be so disappointed that I didn't take better care of it and killed it (most likely it would have died anyway but I still feel bad. It's just another part of him that is now gone). This is one of those rare times procrastination worked in my favor in that I never did anything with my computer after James died so I was able to hook up that one instead of having to buy a new one.

And then there is the continuing saga of NLNG, who resurfaced just as I was finishing my last post. I think I'll save that for it's own post.

If Sammy had a voice, he probably would have asked to move out partway through the month. I would have if I was him! Here's hoping August is MUCH better!

Peanut Butter Cookies

2010-07-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

My computer has been at the Geek Squad for a week now and we are currently down at work with the Internet the only thing we have access to. So I decided to take this opportunity to post one of the many things going through my head.

This month, instead of meeting at a restaurant like we normally do, my widow/ers group had a potluck at the home of a couple who were widowed about a month apart 8 years ago and found a second chance at love with each other. I asked those attending to bring a dish of significance and was happy that everyone actually read the event description and e-mail reminders and did just that.

My contribution was peanut butter cookies. I love to bake and have an insatiable sweet tooth. James, on the other hand, liked how the house smelled after I'd been baking but was not really a sweets person. He did like peanut butter cookies, however-my absolute least favorite cookie and therefore not one I made that often. He told me early on if I couldn't make a good peanut butter cookie, that'd be a dealbreaker. I don't think I'd ever been so nervous to bake anything as I was when I made him that first batch of cookies! (Obviously, I passed).

Peanut butter is also one of the few things we did not agree upon. I think it is PEANUT butter and therefore should be chunky. And it has to be Jif. He felt it was peanut BUTTER and therefore needed to be smooth and it had to be Skippy. So I always kept both after it became clear neither of us was going to budge. His exception, however, was that when it came to cookies; they had to be made with chunky peanut butter. So I had to sacrifice my peanut butter for his cookies.

I made the cookies yesterday and tried one to make sure they were edible. I thought they tasted like crap, but I was assured by the others they were really good. I guess they must have been-by the end of the day, there were only a few left which I had no problem pawning off on my friends.

Dating

2010-07-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

I want to go on the record to say I love games. I love to play and I love to win. But by that I mean board games, or cards, or even the occasional sporting event (which I never win because those take coordination, which I don't have and understandably, I throw like a girl).

There is one game, however, I can honestly say I hate, and that is the dating game. I like games I at least have a chance of winning. And the dating game doesn't seem to be one I am going to be successful at anytime in the near future-or perhaps ever again. And to be honest, if that is the way this is all going to go down, I'd rather not get the glimmers of hope. One thing I have learned from NLNG is that I am ready to date again and I do want another relationship. But what good is that when your prospects are two men you have zero attraction to and one you are attracted to but makes your head spin while he tries to figure out what he wants? (Not to mention the 100 matches on eHarmony, of which I had contact with 3: a man whose main hobby is collecting mushrooms and whose profile had a schedule of which days he'd be doing that, a paraplegic that lived over an hour away and one I can't remember. Or the scam artist from OkCupid. Or the married man from the neighboring town who kept checking out my profile, also on OKCupid. Or the 50+ men on Plenty of Fish who checked out my profile but weren't interested enough to contact me. Match spared me the agony by just outright rejecting me). If these are the players, I don't want to play. I just want to take my marbles and go home and figure out how to accept being alone for the rest of my life.

I like to play games to have fun and the dating game is not the least bit fun. I hated it before I met James and I especially hate it now that I've had a taste of how great love can be. I love being in a relationship, but I hate dating. Sadly, you can't have one without the other. I'm not a quitter usually. But I quit. I call "Uncle."

A new challenge!

2010-07-13T17:24:00.000-07:00

Part of why I haven't posted anything in the last week is because last Wednesday my A/C went out, of course on the hottest day of the year (so far). Being that my office is upstairs, it was just too hot up here to sit at the computer. It was finally fixed yesterday so my house has returned to a temperature that doesn't make me nearly as cranky.

Another reason for my absence is that my best friend and I started a new challenge-and a blog to track it. We had heard of others doing a photo-a-day challenge and decided to do our own. For one year, which started on July 1, we will be taking pictures everyday based on that day's theme and posting them to our blog. Check out what lead us to do this and our photographs here:

http://bestfriendspictures.blogspot.com/

Thanks for checking us out and for reading my blog!

No Pun Intended

2010-07-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday, we launched our new website at work. Somehow in the process of doing so, our e-mail spam server got messed up so things that aren't supposed to get through are. This happens from time to time and it seems the amount of spam employees receive corresponds to how long they have been employed. I am one of the newest (4 years on September 5) and I am spared from too many offensive e-mails. (No "bamboo in my pants" for me! Unlike some people).

I did get three this morning for Viagra (of course) that appeared to have been sent to me by me. I buzzed my bosses' desk.

Me: "How much longer am I going to send myself discount offers for Viagra?"
Male Boss: "It should be fixed tonight."
Me: "So just for today, then. I'm not giving myself really good deals."
Boss: "I have the official site. 81% (off)."
Me: "Man. Me too but I have two 45s and a 19. I'm stiffing myself."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I was so glad I wasn't in his office. I don't think they have a name for the shade of red I would have turned.

Sick Widow

2010-07-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

***Warning: This is gross.***

I am pretty lucky in that I don't get sick very often. Yes, I have bad allergies and that does lead to sinus infections and/or bronchitis about once a year but I don't really count that as I expect it and it doesn't usually knock me down for days. I manage the allergies with an over-the-counter medication (currently Zyrtec-D) and when need be, I get antibiotics for the other respiratory "stuff" that comes along. I never get a flu shot-I hate needles and I rarely get flu sick.

It is a good thing I rarely get flu sick as I have decided that is quite possibly the loneliest thing in the world. After my ordeal on Wednesday with the weeds, I ended up with either the flu or food poisoning. I do not recommend pulling a rib muscle and then throwing up every 1/2 hour for 8 hours straight. I had it coming out both ends and got to the point where I wanted to cry when the urge hit as I didn't think I could possibly have anything left in me. I was wrong. I swear my vomit was vomiting and I was throwing up things I ate three weeks ago. (It's pretty sad when in the process of throwing up you find yourself wondering when you last had pasta sauce).

When I called in sick to work, I had only been at it for 5 hours and I was pretty freaked out at that point. I left a message for the first person who arrives at work and asked her to call me-I wanted to be sure I wasn't dying. (Although later in the day, there came a point where if it hadn't been for my boys I would have seriously considered welcoming death).

I am not one that likes to be hovered over when I am sick. I have always said when I don't feel good just leave me alone to die in peace. But that was when there was someone around-first my parents, then my sorority sisters and then after a spell of no one, James-who would know if I did just that. Being sicker than I have been in longer than I can remember with no one around was a very lonely feeling. I am blessed however with a wonderful co-worker and boss who called several times to check on me. (THANK YOU A!!!) I didn't want to be hovered over, but it would have been really nice after (at the time) 5 hours worth of trips to the bathroom if someone else could have done the morning routine of taking out and feeding the dogs. Walking downstairs and through the house just took too much energy and didn't happen when they would have liked it to! It was easier to take care of their needs when I relocated to the couch, which I attempted to do for two hours before finally succeeding.

Friday I was feeling a lot better but still nowhere near 100% so I spent the morning working from home and a chunk of the afternoon taking a nap. Being that I wasn't prepared for this, I didn't really have much "sick food" in the house, but decided to try some noodles. (All I ate for two days was a piece of dry toast, 1/2 a muffin and 1/3 bowl of noodles-and yet I somehow gained weight???) I decided to cook them in chicken broth instead of water (which made them too salty) and as I was doing this and making some Jello, I found myself thinking it was a good thing I had some extra liquid food left over from when I had my colonoscopy. There's a thought you don't have everyday and one I hope to never have again. I really wanted a red slushy but didn't risk running to the store, even though it is only 1/2 mile away. I was also out of Gatorade and very dehydrated, but that issue was resolved when NLNG came over to watch a movie and brought me some. Although I stopped throwing up around 8:30 Thursday morning, it was about 5:00 Saturday afternoon when I was finally able to keep food "in."

I am feeling much better and am hopefully set in the flu department for the next couple of years. I have also decided I am not meant to do yard work and am calling to see if I can work out something with my former yard service (NLNG thought food poisoning was the likely culprit or at least more plausible than "God clearly doesn't want me to do yard work," though he could see how I came to that conclusion). And hopefully the next time this happens I will no longer be alone just in case I want someone to take care of me after all-or at the very least, run to the store and get me a slushy.

Weeds 1, Heather 0

2010-06-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

I have determined I am allergic to yard work and that it isn't really my cup of tea. Waste Collections picks up yard debris every two weeks. Today was yard debris day and thanks to the generosity of my neighbors, my 64-gallon can was overfilled with not only lawn clippings but weeds they pulled the last time they came over and mowed the lawn.

When I got home today, I took the little monsters for a quick walk and decided to pull the weeds along the fence (between the sidewalk and the fence). I don't usually pass by that part of the house since I rarely travel north on that side street so when I walked the dogs by there yesterday I was surprised (though I shouldn't have been) to see the area was overgrown with weeds. And then I remembered I am responsible for that side of the sidewalk as it is technically my property.

In less than an hour, I pulled a muscle in my ribs (which I strongly do NOT recommend), had an allergic reaction to some weed (at least the rash isn't as bad as the last time I did yard work), scratched my shin to the point of drawing blood, and refilled the yard debris can which means I have to wait another two weeks before I can add to it. And my yard still looks like this is a vacant property. But, hey, at least the fence line is pretty again.

Dear Fairy Godmother, please make there be a way I can have my yard service back. Thank you.

"Ready to Love Again" by Lady Antebellum

2010-06-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

I kept hearing the following lyrics on the radio, but never the whole song: "It's a quarter after 1:00. I'm a little drunk and I need you now. I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now." I didn't know the title or artist of this song and wanted to hear the rest of it.

The night I signed my life away on the house in California (note to self: your mother-in-law's birthday is tomorrow), I stopped in to Baskin Robbins to take comfort in a double scoop of Baseball Nut (my absolute favorite non-chocolate seasonal ice cream flavor). The song was playing so I asked the gal helping me if she knew the name of it and who sang it. She told me it is "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum. It's an awesome song I have played on YouTube so many times the dogs probably have it memorized.

I subscribe to Rhapsody so I added it to my playlist. I also decided to see if they had any other songs I like and found one whose lyrics are so perfect for where I feel I am right now. The song is called "Ready to Love Again," and the lyrics are:

Seems like I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
Scared of love, but scared of life alone.
Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

Just when you think love will never find you
You run away and it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that we can't control.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, ready to love again.

Okay, Universe. Bring it on.

Dreams

2010-06-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

I don't sleep well. I haven't slept well in years. In fact, I don't know when I last slept well consistently, but I think it may have been when I was still in college. I don't have a problem falling asleep-I have a problem with staying asleep. And I have very active dreams (which I don't remember now as well as I used to before James died) that leave me feeling restless and on some mornings even more tired than when I went to bed. I wish I could still remember them like before. If I am going to wake up exhausted, it would be nice to know why.

I have been remembering bits and pieces of my dreams lately, however. It's not so much the dreams themselves but the recurring themes that have been happening almost nightly for the last three weeks (so basically since NLNG blew me off, although he did call again last night. I have no clue what is up with that whole thing): I am searching for something and I don't fit in anywhere.

In my dreams, I am with others and we are on a scavenger hunt. I don't know what we are looking for-we are just trying to find "it." And then I am alone watching them go off while I stand and watch feeling like I am looking through a window at everyone else living life oblivious to my existence. The content is different-it is not the same dream every night but they start and end the same: I start off with a team and end up alone watching them from a distance (can we say "abandonment issues?"). I keep waking myself up from these dreams in the middle of the night and don't want to go back to sleep because I know the unhappiness of my dreams is waiting for me to return. (Last night's dream ended very strangely. I was driving my car (the Lancer) up a hill on a beach and saw a lady's head sticking up from the sand. It was too late to stop so I ran her over, only when I ran over her, she was lying down so I didn't hit her, just went over her. She was dazed when I stopped the car and her arm was bruised but she seemed okay. Okay enough that she was playing Frisbee and flirting heavily with Volunteer Guy (I have no idea where he came from; he wasn't in the rest of the dream) while we waited for the ambulance. I was annoyed because I wanted to leave because I was tired and wanted to go home and go to bed but couldn't leave because I had to give my statement. I ended up on the phone (which had an extremely long cord) with the ambulance dispatcher and she said it would be at least a couple more hours and then we started trash talking the girl I ran over who was one of those random dream people).

Today I decided to consult my favorite dream interpretation website for insight. Scavenger hunt specifically is not in there. (I did a super cool scavenger hunt with the fun Meetup group on 6/13 so I'm guessing that is why my search is in the form of a scavenger hunt). For hunt, it says: "to dream that you are hunting suggests that you are seeking or pursuing some inner desire, either emotional or physical. You may be "hunting" for a solution or for a sexual desire." For search, it says: "to dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlighentment, peace or even a solution to a problem."

I don't think it is going to take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. I want to love again. I want to be in love again. I want to be a part of something bigger than myself again. And while I am waiting Lord knows how long for that to happen, I want to dream about something much happier that won't be fit for print on my little PG-rated blog!

Really, Universe?

2010-06-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

Last night at 8:38 pm, I posted this:

"It is hard to move away from someone who pops up every time I resolve to do just that. (I really want to text him right now and tell him I got a new phone that has an awesome GPS-he learned quickly I am hopeless with navigating downtown Portland). I'm convinced at this point the universe is just messing with my head for shits and giggles."

As I mentioned, over the weekend, I got a new phone. I had been eligible for an upgrade since 9/11/07 and was holding out. I figured as long as my friend held out, I would too. Then he had to go and get an iPhone (probably should have given him the memo). So I lost my excuse and started to e-mail myself my pictures and text messages I wanted to keep. I also made a spreadsheet of my contacts in case I lost them. Plus, the phone was originally James' and I kept a lot of his contacts in it. So there were numbers I would like to keep but don't need in my phone. And now I have a Droid, which I have to admit is a pretty nifty little phone.

My contacts weren't transferred for me so right now the only contacts I have are those who have sent me text messages since Saturday. (This is proving to be a sad reminder of how infrequently people contact me!) This morning, I went to send a text and saw new icons at the top of the screen, but nothing happened when I tried to tap on them so I shrugged it off. (So far I have figured out how to text and take pictures of my dogs and upload them to Facebook. And I set the ringtone and made Sammy my wallpaper).

I tried again this afternoon and somehow came up with a menu that told me I had a missed call and a voicemail message. From NLNG, who called last night at 9:43 pm to see how I was doing. Really? Thank you Universe for proving my point. Do you know how many people are baffled by this? I told my friend I am starting to feel like I'm not supposed to move away from him since he keeps popping up when I try. She said to call him back and tell him he is now beginning to piss her off and I should straight out ask what is going on. I responded that would probably be less painful than banging my head on the desk. My best friend is still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. She's the nicer of the two of us when it comes to giving people more than one chance.

I haven't called back yet but have given myself some strength in the form of repeatedly (5 times) listening to Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback" girl. Would playing that in the background when I call him back be subtle? I'm thinking no.

The thing is I have been praying for a second chance to try to get it right. I know it takes two but I feel there are things I probably could have down differently-as could he. I don't want someone who I have to constantly entertain, but I want someone who can take two minutes to let me know I am still on the radar; preferably more than once a month.

This whole thing is making my head spin.

Mission Accomplished

2010-06-28T19:10:00.000-07:00

My boss and I are both fans of "The Celebrity Apprentice." This season's show came down to Bret Michaels and Holly Robinson Peete, with their final task to create new flavors of Snapple. Due to being busy with other things, I did not watch the finale until several weeks after it aired, though I had a good idea of who won because a certain co-worker of mine (who doesn't watch the show) kept asking if I watched it yet. (No, you did not ruin it for me). Miraculously, I did not find out from the Internet prior to watching so there must have actually been real news to report during this time.

Once I finally watched and discussed the finale with my boss, we made the decision we had to try the two types of tea created for the show and see which we liked better. I had heard commercials for them so I figured they would be in the stores. About 3 hours after my boss and I made the decision to have our own taste test, I was doing a volunteer project at the Food Bank and what should come down the sorting aisle: the two "Celebrity Apprentice" Snapple teas. So I knew someone in the Portland area had them.

Or so I thought. What happened next was a two week quest to find the tea in which my boss and I went to several stores and gas stations only to leave empty handed. I went to the Snapple site to see who should have them. I posted a request on hiddenportland.com to see if any other members had seen them. I got no response. Bound and determined, I tried store after store getting frustrated with each one but bound and determined to complete this challenge.

Then my boss got a great idea: he tracked down the distributor and called them. Even the girl he talked to there didn't know where to find them so she took his name and number and she actually called back. And told us to check out the stores we already tried--in a week or so. They had been advertised but were not actually being carried yet. Victory was in sight.

And then it happened: a week before they were to be in the stores, I happened to be at the Gateway Fred Meyer for some odd reason (most likely to use the bathroom before getting on MAX). I came around a corner and there they were on the endcap. Angels sang. (Ok, not really). I did a happy dance (just a small one) and bought a six-pack of each since that was my only option (at least they were on sale). I wanted to send my boss a text that I had the goods, but he has a tendency to leave his phone in the car and I didn't think it was really appropriate. So I waited until Monday morning to tell him. I'll admit having to wait all weekend did take some of the excitement out of it.

It ended up being late Tuesday afternoon before we tried our taste test. We decided to try Bret's "Trop-a-rocka" first since it's diet and that tends to have that weird aftertaste. I was dismayed to see my bottle had floaties (I like Snapple but don't drink it often because of the floaties. I really hate floaties). My boss didn't have floaties so he switched bottles with me. We took our sips and the first thing I tasted was peach. I like peaches but not peach flavoring or scent so this kind of ruined it for me. So we tried Holly's "Compassionberry," which is a regular tea. We were disappointed that there was nothing really "wow" about it. It turned out, however, Bret's tea was a lot stronger and sort of muted out the flavor of Holly's when tried back-to-back. When I tried hers again later, I liked it a lot better.

I really wanted to like Bret's tea better. I am glad he won because I think he deserved to. Yes, Holly did make more on one challenge than anyone in "Apprentice" history, but most challenges had a fixed winning amount and I feel that Bret was an overall better player. But when it comes to the tea, Holly is the winner in my eyes.

History

2010-06-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

It was two months ago that I met No Longer New Guy (NLNG). Lately, I have been thinking this all has a familiar ring to it.

I moved here in 1996 not long after I graduated from college. I didn't know anyone other than the sorority sister's family I was staying with and I didn't really know them that well either. I was working for a small glass company and I thought our Culligan water guy was cute so when he needed a 4th for his bowling team, I decided I would join. I suck at bowling but I thought it would be a good way to meet people (what was I thinking?!) and I would get to see Culligan Guy on a weekly basis-which would have happened had he not hurt his back a few weeks into it and quit.

I ended up bowling a second year on the league with one of my teammates from the first year but we had a hard time keeping a full team for the season and decided to play a third season by ear. There was a girl on another team who was in a similar boat-her teammates didn't want to play anymore and we tossed out the idea of forming a new team. We didn't know each other that well and she invited me to go out one night right after league ended to hang out. She suggested the New Copper Penny as she liked going there and there was a guy who tended to come in with his roommate who had a thing for her.

When the night came, I didn't want to go. But at the time I did want to bowl again and was looking at not having a team or knowing anyone who would be willing to commit to a league. So I went. And the guy and his roommate came in. And I thought the roommate was cute. His name was the same as NLNG's. By the end of the night, he had my number and we had plans to go out the next day. (This was 1998. I don't think the "rules" were written yet). Our first date lasted about 8 hours.

We dated for a confusing month in which I spent more time wondering if he was going to call than actually talking to and seeing him. It was during the second month his sister finally outright told me he just wasn't that into me. I'm sure I knew that; I just didn't want to be alone anymore. Ultimately, he told me he wanted to try to reconcile with his ex because he missed being a stepdad to her kids. It didn't phase him that she had moved in with her new boyfriend. He felt he could win her back. The last time I saw him was when he helped me move, which was nice of him since we were no longer dating at that point. I want to say that was September of 1998. He was the only person I had dated since moving here two years prior and really the only person I dated since my high school boyfriend in 1992. It was over a year after this that I would meet James.

And now I have gone and done it again. I have gone out to a bar on a night I didn't want to go and met a guy with the same name as Mr. 1998 who after a month decided he just isn't that into me after all. Only this time, though I don't want to accept or believe it, I recognize it for what it is. (No more dating guys named New Guy I meet in a bar!). Things are different this time in that with as much as technology has advanced since 1998, it is harder to not know what NLNG is up to.

Last weekend, I was at the coast and decided I just needed to stop guessing and hoping and just move on. This was Sunday. Monday, I saw he was on the Meetup group site. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and I did have a brief moment of wanting to remove him from the group (since as an assistant organizer I can do that-I didn't). I figured he wouldn't go to any events I am planning to attend. Tuesday night, I went on a night walk with the group. As we were finishing up, I resolved to delete him from my phone before upgrading it over the weekend so his contact info wouldn't be transferred over. An hour later, I heard the text alert. I had been texting back and forth with a friend; I figured it was her. My feet told me in no uncertain terms were they going to take another trip downstairs so I left it until Wednesday morning. I was surprised to see it was from him (after almost a month of him not taking any initiative to contact me) asking how the walk was and that he thought about going but couldn't get out of work. Thursday, I told my friends I was through. I had had enough and was finally just done trying to figure it out. I was scrolling through my Facebook wall and an update appeared from him. He must have his settings set to everyone instead of friends only because he never accepted (or ignored for that matter) my friend request. It is hard to move away from someone who pops up every time I resolve to do just that. (I really want to text him right now and tell him I got a new phone that has an awesome GPS-he learned quickly I am hopeless with navigating downtown Portland). I'm convinced at this point the universe is just messing with my head for shits and giggles.

But I can't help but wonder: does this mean the next one I meet will be my second James (please don't let his name be James!) and does this mean I have another year to go before that happens? And if history is repeating itself, does that mean I will only get 8 years with him too? That's a scary thought! Starting over at 36 sucks enough-I don't want to be sitting here writing an updated version of this when I am 46!

I really hate not knowing what life is going to bring my way. Just get on with it already, will you?

Internal Monologue

2010-06-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple of weeks as I have tried to force myself to accept the reality of being blown off by New Guy, I have had quite the internal monologue with myself. I'm pretty much sick of listening to it.

"He's just not that into you if he's not calling you."
"Maybe he's just really busy."
"It takes 2 minutes to send a text message. He could do that while he's in the can. Even the busiest of people need a bathroom break now and then."
"He's an idiot. His loss."
"Just because he isn't feeling it doesn't mean he's an idiot. It just means I'm not the right one."
"But I met him just the way it was predicted I would. So does that mean there isn't a second chance at love for me?"
"I don't believe in fate, angels, or any of that cosmic bullshit anymore."
"I really wish I could stop believing that things happen for a reason and this was all a coincidence."
"What did I do wrong to make this happen?"
"There could be a million reasons why this happened that have nothing to do with you."
"Did I come across as desperate? Was I too aloof?"
"Was he ever really interested at all? Did he look at me and think "who's that" or did he look at me and think "Bingo! She has lonely written all over her face.""
"Maybe he doesn't really like the dogs."
"Maybe things were going too fast and it freaked him out."
"Maybe things were going too slow and he got bored."
"How do I accept being alone for the rest of my life?"
"I wish James was still here."
"Did I not seem interested enough?"
"I want a second chance. I want a do over. But will I just screw that up too?"
"Maybe I should just be alone for the rest of my life. This is too hard."
"I have my dogs. That's all I really need."
"But my dogs aren't going to live forever."
"Aw, look how cute they are."
"I hate this life. I want my old life back."
"Maybe he'll still call."
"He's not going to call."
"I wonder what he's doing?"
"I don't (shouldn't) care what he's doing. He doesn't care what I'm doing."
"I just wish I knew where I went wrong."
"I just wish I had a crystal ball that showed me everything is going to be okay."

Rain, Rain Go AWAY

2010-06-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

Rain, rain go away
Don't come back until next May.

I am so sick of the rain. I have lost track of how many days of it we have had and have started to wonder how people live in Alaska during the dark part of the year without going insane. We had a great weekend, followed by more rain. I felt great this weekend; now I am back in the doldrums. It's just too dreary to put on a happy face and mean it. (On the plus side, my water bill is lower than usual as I haven't had to turn the sprinkler system on yet). We are predicted to have rain off and on throughout the weekend and then a drying trend is possible for next week. They said that about this week too.

Monday is the first official day of summer. Or shall I say winter?

Memory Card

2010-06-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

I should know better than to try to buy anything related to technology without having all the specifications first. If I don't, chances are I am going to get something wrong.

Last March just before leaving for Mexico, I bought an 8 GB memory card for the camera. (I planned to take a lot of pictures). Luckily I had the foresight to do this two days before and to test it before we left. It was a good thing I did this as it turns out neither of my printers have the capability to read it. This is how I learned certain printers (i.e. "old" ones like mine-which are only a few years old) cannot read high capacity memory cards. Luckily I had time to make a last minute stop to Office Depot the day before we left to get memory cards my printers can read. Unfortunately, somehow between buying the first one, getting home with it, testing it and then leaving for Mexico I managed to lose the receipt, which I did not find in the 14-day return time window. So I am stuck with a memory card that looking around this disaster area I call an office is God knows where.

This weekend I am going to an event that I am hoping will have some awesome photo opportunities. (Note to Mother Nature: please stop the rain madness on Saturday). I took my point and shoot digital to Mexico but plan to take the "good" camera to this event. I have had a couple of issues with the memory cards I have lately so I decided somewhat spur of the moment that I should stop at Office Depot on my way home tonight and get a new one. And I became one of those customers tech people hate.

Office Depot Guy: "Are you finding everything?"
Me: "I need a new memory card for my digital camera."
OD Guy: "Do you know what kind you need?"
Me: "The big square one." (aka a compact flash I have learned)

It turns out they only had two available as most cameras use the little memory cards. The two they had were 8 GB and 16 GB. I told him my printer did not read the "big gig memory cards." I'm pretty sure he's heard this before as he knew what I was talking about.

OD Guy: "I don't suppose you know what kind of printer you have?" He caught on quickly.
Me: "It's an Epson Stylus."
OD Guy: "Do you know the model number?"
Me: "No. But it's a photo printer." In hindsight, I guess that was probably pretty obvious.

We tried to Google it and found one that looked similar. We tried to Google compact flash cards to see what is considered high capacity. I had to get to the post office before it closed so I finally just bought the card. He suggested that before I opened it, I Google the model number of my printer to see if it was compatible. So I tried that. Finding a way to break into Fort Knox may have been easier. I learned my printer will read Type I and Type II. I bought a Platinum Type II. Is there more than one kind of Type II? I decided I didn't have all night to research it and decided to try the card. (Note to Lexar: your packaging is a pain in the ass to open).

I took a couple of pictures of the dogs (my usual test subjects) and tried to see if the printer can read the card. It can. Yea! I took a couple more and tried again. It still worked. Yea! I am good to go-and have the capacity to take 2200 pictures, compared to the 576 I can usually take. I should be able to get a good one or two out of that.

Happy Birthday Honey

2010-06-11T07:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Honey. You would (and should) have turned 44 today.

Mental Musings

2010-06-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

There is so much going through my head right now that I'm surprised my little pea brain hasn't exploded! I don't know whether to try to break it up into a bunch of little posts or just go with one long one. I also don't even know where to begin.

28 Months
I guess I'll start here. Yesterday marked the 28th month of James' passing. The last few 6ths have not been too bad but the days leading up to yesterday were pretty brutal. It doesn't help that this coming Friday is his birthday. And there is stress over the new house, there is stress over the New Guy and I am suffering from the winter blahs. It is weird to be saying that on the 7th of June, but it's true. The weather has been so dreary and nasty lately-much more like winter than late spring. We have already exceeded our average rainfall for the entire month and while it is nice and sunny right now, another storm is expected to blow through tomorrow night. I'm not the only one feeling it. All around me are people who are down in the dumps and/or have no energy. And I am sure I'm not the only one who is sick of their winter clothes!

I have also been forced to recognize some changes in myself that I should have seen but really didn't, which have come as a bit of a shock and which I will get to, and I can't help but wonder how James would feel about this version of me-would I still be as attractive to him?

The Braces
The last several months have been up and down with the braces. My appointments have been 4 weeks apart and have been bouncing back and forth between me getting them off "soon" and "not for a long time." It has been very frustrating, not to mention painful. Each adjustment leaves me feeling like I have been punched in the jaw for about a week. At my last appointment, which was on the 1st, I was told I would be getting them off on 6/14. Then they called today. When the gal said "we have you scheduled to come in for removal on the 14th..." I thought "Oh HELL no. You are not pushing that back!" Turns out she was calling for the opposite reason. They had a cancellation tomorrow and were calling to see if I wanted to take the spot. So the braces come off tomorrow. I'll believe it when they are gone.

James died about a week after we found out I might need them, so my getting them was part of the first chapter of my life without him. And that chapter is now coming to a close. An entire chapter he was not a part of. One of what will be many he is not here to witness. I sat at my desk crying over that for a bit this afternoon. I sent out a text and e-mails to my closest friends to tell them the good news, but there was no special someone to tell first. I wonder, will there ever be a special someone to tell the good news to first again? I also wonder what people who have never seen me without them will think. I have had several people tell me I have a great smile. Will they still think so when the metal is gone? Or will I be less attractive to them?

Dance Class
I am taking a line dance class. Today was class number 4 of 7. It's okay. I think we are learning some of the older, less popular dances and I'm not sure I will ever actually do them outside of class, other than "The Electric Slide" and "The Boot-Scoot Boogie." Ten years ago, when I first started dating James, I was taking a dance class-it was my second go-around with beginning tap dance. I had always wanted to learn and was taking the class through Portland Parks and Rec. I had just started the class and didn't attend very many of them, choosing to spend the time with James instead (and I doubt I remember any of the steps). Now here it is 10 years later, taking a dance class and I just started dating someone new. But I don't think it is going to have the same ending as I believe it has already ended. In another 10 years from now, will I be starting yet another dance class and will I have just started dating another new person?

New Guy
This should almost have its own post, but I am on a roll. I had decided I wouldn't think about dating again until the braces came off. (I also decided I wasn't going to post anything more about New Guy). Clearly that didn't happen as I met New Guy in April. There were a series of interesting things that happened up to that point: having a reading with my friend's mom in which she said I would meet the man I marry in the spring, my horoscope saying April was the best time to meet someone and my friend and I both having dreams on the same night in February about me needing to be somewhere; in my dream it was the second Meetup event of the day. In her dream, I didn't notice a guy with dark, wavy hair and "weird" eyes standing by my car because I was in a hurry to get somewhere-the man she just knew I was supposed to be with.

I met New Guy, who has dark, wavy hair and weird eyes on 4/24 at my second Meetup event of the day. But in true cosmic joke fashion, it would appear he has lost interest and is now blowing me off (A-this is why I gave you a pillow this morning. It's so it doesn't hurt so much when you bang your head against your desk). Inner Heather says he is going to call. But I haven't actually spoken to him in a little over two weeks and he has made no effort to try to contact me in over a week. Rule #1 of "He's Just Not That Into You": he's just not that into you if he's not calling. (Or texting, e-mailing, sending smoke signals, etc). I don't know what went wrong-when he lost interest. Was it something I did or said? Was it even me? Closure would be nice. Blowing someone off, and especially doing it by ending a message with "hopefully we can get together soon," is pretty rude. I'm disappointed, but on a typical Wednesday morning 28 months ago, the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with went to work and came home in an urn. While it sucks, being blown off by someone I was casually dating for a month is nothing. And while I would love to tell New Guy the braces are coming off and talk about the one dance in class I just cannot grasp, right now James is the one I miss. And I'm not looking forward to having to tell the people in the Meetup group who know we were dating (and think we still are) that is no longer the case, though one of them will be thrilled and will probably log on to the site to send him an e-mail from her phone before I even get the words out of my mouth. Even though I know there could be a 1,000 reasons for it, I still feel like a rejected loser. I feel like Meredith on "Grey's Anatomy"-I want to say to him "Pick me. Choose me. Love ME." (Ironically, I thought she was pretty pathetic in that scene-but that's how I feel. Pathetic. "What's so wrong with you that you can't attract a man?" Dad asked. "If anything goes wrong, it's going to be your fault," both parents cautioned when I first started dating James. Their words haunt me once again).

But there is a reason for everything and from this experience I have learned I am ready to date should the right person come along ("He's going to call," Inner Heather insists). Even if I can't tell him, I am grateful to New Guy for showing me that. But part of me wonders if it is better to still be wondering if I am ready or to know I am and not have any prospects?

The other thing to come out of this is the realization of how much I have changed, which I eluded to above. The biggest pro and con to New Guy is he is nothing like James. I know it is wrong to compare but it is also hard not to. It is a pro because I now know I couldn't date someone like James, nor do I want to. He was one of a kind, as was our relationship, and if I met someone too much like him, I would have preset expectations for how he should be. That wouldn't be fair to him, to James' memory or to me. It is a con because the only relationship I have had (out of 4, including high school) that lasted for more than about a month is James. So I really only know how to date someone like James. James was the social one and the life of the party. He's the one everyone knew when we went out and I was the quiet one. I have gone to a couple of Meetup events with New Guy and I was the social one that everyone knew and he was the quiet one (he's very quiet and introspective). It was a complete role reversal and it caught me off-guard. Taking him out of the equation, there is a part of me that is sitting here thinking "WTF?!?! When did I become a social butterfly? When did I become the popular one?" Part of me likes it, but part of me is afraid of the change and just wants old, familiar, shy, mousy Heather back. I want to recognize who I see when I look in the mirror. And I'm also afraid that all these new friends of mine are going to disappear too.

Of course, I hope Inner Heather is right. I know New Guy is extremely busy with work right now (Bitter Heather: "It takes 2 minutes to send a text message to someone to tell them you are on their mind. Okay, it takes most people 2 minutes. (It takes me about 5)). It is possible he really was out of town the last two weekends and hey, maybe something happened to his phone. Or maybe he's just an ass. (Deep down I don't believe that). Maybe this was just a break so I could come to terms with my new self. Maybe he was only supposed to tell me I am ready for the next phase of my life.

Maybe I should stop trying to figure everything out (like that's going to happen) and just go with the flow. That sounds like something James would have done-and it sounds like what New Heather was doing until a boy came along and messed it all up.

Painting Project #4: The Bathroom

2010-06-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

I was going to stop painting after the bedroom. But after I finished the bedroom, I decided the bathroom needed to be freshened up. I love the blue marble-looking counter in there and I was going to just repaint the walls light blue. That was the plan until I realized the ceiling would look dingy and decided to repaint that as well, leaving it a medium blue:

Before

I also decided I needed a new set for the bathroom, as I have been using a hybrid of the sets James and I both brought into the relationship, meaning they are at least 10 years old. I don't know how long he had his, but I had mine at least a couple of years before we met.

His was the blue; mine the black.

I wanted to go with a seashell theme but Bed, Bath and Beyond discontinued the one I liked and I have not been able to find another that I like anywhere else. I love Bed, Bath and Beyond and ultimately decided on their "Spa Leaf" collection.

Garbage can with top paint choices. I went with "Souvenir," the middle color on the left card.

I consulted my co-worker about my color choices and she convinced me that it would look really good if I painted the walls a darker blue and the ceiling white. The next time I let her talk me into something involving primer, she gets to come help, mainly so I have someone to keep me company while waiting for it to dry.

I got a later start on painting than I would have liked to and while I recognize this as a positive sign of moving forward, it was still bittersweet. First, I cleaned out James' drawer, which I have actually been doing a little at a time. Some of the things that were sitting on the counter are going to go in there and have already been put in their new home.

The second bittersweet moment came from realizing I was going to paint over the spackle marks. Several years ago, we stayed at a Best Western in Sacramento that had one of those shower curtain rods that bows out. It is amazing how much more room that gives you! We discovered you can get them at Bed, Bath and Beyond (I will seriously cry if they ever go out of business), and when we moved in we bought one. Well, James sort of drilled the holes in the wrong spots when he was putting it up which is why there was spackle on the walls. I smiled at the memory and fought back tears as I covered it up.

Putting the primer on the ceiling also recalled a memory: it was only 5 short years ago we spent Memorial Day weekend painting our house in Arizona. The house with a living room and den that we took from that obnoxious red everyone loves so much to a color that looks exactly like Parmesan cheese (and was aptly named "Parmesan") in the living room and sea foam in the den. We had so many coats of primer and paint covering it James said we lost square footage! It's hard to believe how different my life was then than it is now. It feels like that was a lifetime ago and like it happened to another person-and in many ways that is because it did.

I have mentioned before I am incredibly unobservant. Even still you would think that at some point in the last 4 1/2 years, I would have noticed the strip of wall between the vanity lights and the mirror was a different color, but no. Not me. I thought I never noticed it because the wood frame around the mirror was covering it (I took that off) but then I remembered the top piece came off within the first couple of weeks we were here and we never put it back up.

It's a little hard to see but right under the lights the wall is white, not blue. It is all one color now.

Old vs. new with the ceiling finished

The boys inspect my handiwork. This was definitely not my neatest paint job!

Finished!

With the new shower curtain in place.

Because of having to wait for the primer and then the ceiling to dry, it took FOREVER to finish and I was pretty cranky by the time I was finally done. It looks a lot brighter in the pictures than it really is and I really do like it. I am collecting coupons and getting the pieces for the new set as I get them. There aren't that many pieces to it, so I should have them soon. I also bought a cute shelf at Michael's yesterday that I am going to paint white and put up above the toilet for the things on the counter I don't use that often but don't currently have another place to live. I'm proud of myself for taking yet another step in making the house mine as opposed to ours but I have to say, I think the painting bug may finally be out of my system.

It's Official

2010-05-31T20:29:00.000-07:00

It's official: I'm a slumlord. After a couple of delays, the closing on the house in California finally happened on 5/27. It was supposed to be 5/10, but first the escrow company didn't get something to the mortgage company in time for that to happen and then everything was delayed again when I had to find an insurance agent in California to provide homeowner's insurance as my local agent couldn't do it.

It is all very surreal. I own a house in California that I have never seen, other than in pictures, and that the keys for which were handed over to someone else on my behalf. I am having repair work done on a piece of property I have never visited. I have had the same conversation with our cousin so many times in the last couple of months I could scream. I am sick of hearing about this house from our cousin. I am sick of being told what minor repairs my mother-in-law wants to have done. And I don't want to hear about how my stepsister-in-law found fault with pretty much everything about it. You know what? I didn't buy it for you. If you don't like it, good luck finding another place for what you are going to pay me in rent. I have no loyalty to her-the times I have met her, she couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge my existence. I am one conversation away from a complete meltdown. I can't seem to stress enough that I don't want to talk about it; that this isn't a fun, exciting venture for me. It is a stressful investment I did to fulfill a promise to James. I don't want to spend hour after hour discussing property as an investment strategy and trying to forecast the long range potential of this. I don't want to be involved. I just want to cash my rent checks and write checks for repairs when needed. I don't care what color the carpet and the walls are. I don't care if they paint the fence. I really don't want them to cut a doggy door into the back door, but it appears I don't really have a say in that. Since I am eventually going to have to replace the door anyway, I decided I don't care-especially since that means I don't have to spend any more time talking about it. (There were 3 conversations about it last week). I don't want my stepfather-in-law to start willy-nilly doing stuff around the house because he's bored. I want it done by pros who provide receipts I can use for my taxes. I know I am going to have to make some decisions from time to time but why can't it be the way I asked: make a list and give them to me all at once. I love our cousin dearly and I so desperately want to have a conversation with her about ANYTHING else. This is all we have talked about for the last couple of months and we do not have short conversations.

I know I did the right thing by doing this. My mother-in-law needed a place to live and now she has one. I told James if anything happened to him, I would take care of his mother and I have made it so she won't be homeless. Yes, she thinks our cousin is the one responsible, which is a HUGE favor to me. As stressed out as I am about it as it is, it would be 1,000 times worse if she knew I was behind it because I can't tell her no. I know I have valid reasons for doing it this way but it does not come without guilt and not without anger at James for dying and leaving me to do this. I am so angry in general right now, I can barely see straight. This is what happens when I don't have someone to talk to. I let everything build up until I just explode. And right now, I am very much a ticking time bomb.

I thought I would feel relieved when the house closed. But I am more stressed out about it now than I was before. I have said several times I am only paying for what needs to be done for them to move in right now and then will reassess the rest. Why do I have to keep repeating myself? How is that not a clear enough statement? I told the property management company to just pick some neutral color for the paint and carpet. My mother-in-law was told the carpet and walls would be neutral and I guess she made a face indicating she was not happy with neutral carpets. I know her-she won't directly speak up and ask for something else. She'll just sigh and hint around about how nice it would be if the carpet was X color instead. And by then, it will be too late to change it. Why can't she just be grateful she is even getting new carpet? Oh-and wouldn't it be nice if I chipped in and helped to pay for a new dishwasher for her as a housewarming gift? Um, wasn't buying her a freakin' house enough? And hey, wouldn't it be a good idea to check and make sure the plumbing can even support a dishwasher before telling me how much my share of it is, like I have asked to have done each of the 15 times this has come up? (Okay, it's more like 5, but still).

I know there is work to be done. Even though California doesn't require them, I had an inspection done. I have a copy of the report. I don't need to be told ad nauseum every little thing. I just bought the damn house and I am really starting to wish I hadn't. Why can't doing the right thing be easy just once? Is that really too much to ask for?