Last Friday, my co-worker asked if anyone was interested in going to see Taylor Swift. Her friend had tickets and could not use them. One of my best friends introduced me to Taylor's music a few months ago so I told my co-worker I might be interested in the tickets, but I wasn't sure since my friend's foster son had a wrestling tournament the day of the concert.
My friend said she would be able to and was interested in going so we bought the tickets. Last night we met at our usual spot at the light-rail transit center and set off for the first concert she and I have been to together in years. I can't even remember what the last one was, but I know it was either John Michael Montgomery or Coolio. Yes, Coolio.
I would say the average age of the majority of the concert goers was somewhere between 12 - 15 and the venue held about 13,000. That is a lot of young girls. That many young girls can scream very loudly. And they can do so for a very long time. I felt old, which is kind of ironic because last January my cousin and I were at a Garth Brooks concert screaming our heads off like teenagers.
The concert was very good. She was very entertaining and prior to coming on stage had a public service announcement about staying true to who you are. I think the reason I like her music is because starting over at the age of 35 has me feeling very much like the insecure girls who still want to believe in fairy tales she sings about. I never thought at this age, I would be in a position to be taken back in time to a period of my life I didn't enjoy the first time and really have no desire to repeat. But, as they say (which I am really tired of hearing by the way), it is what it is.
Throughout the concert, I found myself watching the two girls sitting in front of us. I would say they were about 12 and obviously best friends. My friend and I have known each other for almost 13 years, so possibly longer than these two have been alive. I kept thinking about all the things they still had in front of them: first crushes, first loves, senior prom, graduation, college, etc. There is so much ahead of them and I found myself wondering where they will be in 20 years. I hope they are sitting next to each other in the back row of a sold-out teenybopper concert covering their ears in attempt to shield the screams of 10,000 teenage girls.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The Heart Walk
I woke up to a beautiful morning, which is definitely not guaranteed in the Northwest in May. I also felt a little calmer and a little more at peace than I have in about a month and a half. But I found myself dragging my feet as I got ready to head over to the waterfront for the Heart Walk, thinking that no one would know if I didn't really go through with it. But I would know, and my wonderful donors committed hard-earned money for me to do this walk, not just lie and say I did.
Somehow, even with my late start, I was able to snag one of the last remaining parking spots in the small lot at the Landing (yea!). The set up was pretty much the same as last year, except they moved the start/finish line to the other side of the parking lot. I could feel the tears forming as I sat in my car taking in the scene. Finally, I took a deep breath and got out of the car.
I roamed around the crowd without any real direction. There were so many people there talking with family and friends and co-workers. And then there was me-wandering the crowd alone like a little lost puppy dog. And then I saw a familiar face-an old friend that James and I used to work with. He gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. And that's when the tears started. I told him that overall, I was doing okay; today, not so much. We chatted for a bit, and he introduced me to his wife. She works for the hospital that was sponsoring the event which is why they were walking. I saw him there last year too, but it was in passing and by the time my brain registered it, he was lost in the crowd. After we finished chatting, I walked over to the railing overlooking the river and just let the tears come while watching six ducks lazily swim around.
The emcee started her announcements, the biggest one being that this year's walk raised about $460,000 to fight heart disease. After the announcements and a brief stretching session, we were off. I took my time. It was so nice out and I was not in any hurry. The walk was one of those where you go down the path and then turn around and come back. So, on the way down, I thought about what James would want for me. Not just the generic "he would want me to be happy," but what he would be doing if he was still here to cheer me on. And I know what I am currently doing is not it. So, on the way back I thought about what is important to me: what can I do to stop feeling like I am just going through the motions and start finding joy in my life again. Right now, I don't know the answer to that but I know I have to stop letting the fear that this is how it is always going to be overwhelm me. I refuse to let this be the rest of my life. I have way too much to offer to let it go to waste.
Somehow, even with my late start, I was able to snag one of the last remaining parking spots in the small lot at the Landing (yea!). The set up was pretty much the same as last year, except they moved the start/finish line to the other side of the parking lot. I could feel the tears forming as I sat in my car taking in the scene. Finally, I took a deep breath and got out of the car.
I roamed around the crowd without any real direction. There were so many people there talking with family and friends and co-workers. And then there was me-wandering the crowd alone like a little lost puppy dog. And then I saw a familiar face-an old friend that James and I used to work with. He gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. And that's when the tears started. I told him that overall, I was doing okay; today, not so much. We chatted for a bit, and he introduced me to his wife. She works for the hospital that was sponsoring the event which is why they were walking. I saw him there last year too, but it was in passing and by the time my brain registered it, he was lost in the crowd. After we finished chatting, I walked over to the railing overlooking the river and just let the tears come while watching six ducks lazily swim around.
The emcee started her announcements, the biggest one being that this year's walk raised about $460,000 to fight heart disease. After the announcements and a brief stretching session, we were off. I took my time. It was so nice out and I was not in any hurry. The walk was one of those where you go down the path and then turn around and come back. So, on the way down, I thought about what James would want for me. Not just the generic "he would want me to be happy," but what he would be doing if he was still here to cheer me on. And I know what I am currently doing is not it. So, on the way back I thought about what is important to me: what can I do to stop feeling like I am just going through the motions and start finding joy in my life again. Right now, I don't know the answer to that but I know I have to stop letting the fear that this is how it is always going to be overwhelm me. I refuse to let this be the rest of my life. I have way too much to offer to let it go to waste.
Friday, May 15, 2009
TGIF!
I don't really have a whole lot to say today. After staying up past 11:00 Wednesday night for bunco (I was the big winner-yea me!), and then again last night to watch Grey's Anatomy (all I am going to say on that is WOW), I am pretty tired. And this has been a pretty long week. I am pretty sure someone slipped in an extra day or two when I wasn't looking.
I am still feeling more down in the dumps than I would like to and I am hoping that is in part because of the American Heart Association walk tomorrow. I am hoping this lingering lull is in anticipation of walking for James with the knowledge that I wouldn't be doing this if he was still here. If he was still here, I would be volunteering for my favorite non-profit tomorrow instead. I keep thinking back to last year when I did this same walk three months after he died and how my friend got sick and I had to do it alone. And this year, my friend had a prior commitment so again, I am doing it alone and I wish someone was going to be there to (figuratively) hold my hand. This current downward spiral seemed to really bottom out when I signed up for the walk, which was two days after donating the majority of his clothes.
On a positive note, I have raised $380 for the AHA. With the economy as bad as it is, I hated to ask for donations but heart disease kills far too many people. And once again, I have been reminded of how truly blessed I am by the wonderful people I am honored to call my family and friends.
I am still feeling more down in the dumps than I would like to and I am hoping that is in part because of the American Heart Association walk tomorrow. I am hoping this lingering lull is in anticipation of walking for James with the knowledge that I wouldn't be doing this if he was still here. If he was still here, I would be volunteering for my favorite non-profit tomorrow instead. I keep thinking back to last year when I did this same walk three months after he died and how my friend got sick and I had to do it alone. And this year, my friend had a prior commitment so again, I am doing it alone and I wish someone was going to be there to (figuratively) hold my hand. This current downward spiral seemed to really bottom out when I signed up for the walk, which was two days after donating the majority of his clothes.
On a positive note, I have raised $380 for the AHA. With the economy as bad as it is, I hated to ask for donations but heart disease kills far too many people. And once again, I have been reminded of how truly blessed I am by the wonderful people I am honored to call my family and friends.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
"Just us kids"
There's a video clip circulating around the Internet of Joe Cocker singing (if you want to call that singing) "I Get By with a Little Help From My Friends" at Woodstock in 1969. I realize that is probably not the exact title of the song, but right now I am too lazy to Google it. Someone has captioned it with alternative words that he could be singing. This got me thinking about songs in which I have always sung the wrong words, which is known as lyricosis.
About two years ago, I learned that Carly Simon was actually singing "some underworld spy, or the wife of a close friend," not "someone who would spy on the wife of a close friend." And even though I know the line in "Chatahoochie" goes "in the pale moonlight," I always sing "in the pale blue light." I'm not sure why. I think in my head, the pyramid of cans must give off a blue reflection. Turns out Elton John's Bennie has electric boots, not electric boobs. And, who out there has not thought it was the "secret Asian man" at one time or another?
Today I realized that for years I have been singing Garth Brooks "Papa Loved Mama" wrong. It dawned on me that "Papa came home and it was just us kids." I always thought it was "just askids." I'm listening to it now and it sounds like "askids." I don't even know if that is a real word and I never thought that made sense. Now I know why.
About two years ago, I learned that Carly Simon was actually singing "some underworld spy, or the wife of a close friend," not "someone who would spy on the wife of a close friend." And even though I know the line in "Chatahoochie" goes "in the pale moonlight," I always sing "in the pale blue light." I'm not sure why. I think in my head, the pyramid of cans must give off a blue reflection. Turns out Elton John's Bennie has electric boots, not electric boobs. And, who out there has not thought it was the "secret Asian man" at one time or another?
Today I realized that for years I have been singing Garth Brooks "Papa Loved Mama" wrong. It dawned on me that "Papa came home and it was just us kids." I always thought it was "just askids." I'm listening to it now and it sounds like "askids." I don't even know if that is a real word and I never thought that made sense. Now I know why.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Wednesday night activity
Last week while in the depths of despair, I decided that I needed to start planning Wednesday night activities so I would have something to look forward to during the week. It isn't going to be anything extravagant, just something that gets me out of the house for a couple of hours.
Tonight's activity is bunco. This is my original group that I have been playing with for years, and is in no way associated with the mean group that kicked me out. Bunco is always on a Wednesday with this group, which is part of the reason I chose Wednesday for my mid-week activity. One is already planned for me. I am looking forward to going and hanging out with my girls. Last night, one of my friends who lives near where we are playing called to see if I wanted to come and hang out beforehand and catch up because she couldn't make it last month. She has an adorable son who is almost 2 and who is already such a flirt. Being around him always puts me in a good mood. Hopefully, tonight is one of the nights he likes me. He kind of lost interest after he discovered he couldn't pull my braces off.
So, I am off for some girl talk, Grey's Anatomy analysis (my theory is the finale is going to end with Izzy flatlining while undergoing the "risky procedure"), and if I am lucky, a bunco prize-preferrably in the form of a Starbucks gift card for the venti beverage I will be in desparate need of tomorrow!
Tonight's activity is bunco. This is my original group that I have been playing with for years, and is in no way associated with the mean group that kicked me out. Bunco is always on a Wednesday with this group, which is part of the reason I chose Wednesday for my mid-week activity. One is already planned for me. I am looking forward to going and hanging out with my girls. Last night, one of my friends who lives near where we are playing called to see if I wanted to come and hang out beforehand and catch up because she couldn't make it last month. She has an adorable son who is almost 2 and who is already such a flirt. Being around him always puts me in a good mood. Hopefully, tonight is one of the nights he likes me. He kind of lost interest after he discovered he couldn't pull my braces off.
So, I am off for some girl talk, Grey's Anatomy analysis (my theory is the finale is going to end with Izzy flatlining while undergoing the "risky procedure"), and if I am lucky, a bunco prize-preferrably in the form of a Starbucks gift card for the venti beverage I will be in desparate need of tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Chocolate couches, purple paint and an iPod
While I debate selling the house vs. keeping it, I have decided it is time to start making it "mine" instead of "ours." I feel that I am at a point where this is necessary to keep moving forward. Plus, even if I do decide to sell, I could still be here for a while.
I decided to start with the guest bathroom. It is a hideous mustard color with a green counter. I have been wanting to paint it since we moved in, but never got around to it. After we pretty much painted the entire interior of our 1800 sq. foot house in Arizona, James decided that he was never picking up a paintbrush again, so I knew if I wanted it done, I was on my own. I decided the bathroom would be a great place to start because, as I said, it is hideous and it is the room with the least emotional attachment.
In November, my aunt came to town on business and helped me pick out a set for the bathroom. It is the Rainier collection from Bed, Bath and Beyond (I will cry if they ever go out of business). Slowly, I started to accumulate all the pieces of the collection and with the help of a generous gift card from my mom, now have it all. I also have a bazillion paint samples on the wall and now that I have the whole bathroom set can decide on a color. My goal is to get this done Memorial Day weekend. It's not a firm goal should I get a better offer for that weekend.
In the meantime, I have been contemplating painting the bedroom purple (lavender) and getting new couches. I had a vision of pale purple walls and a new purple and white floral bedspread. Then I remembered that I have two dogs and I hate floral prints. I can't seem to get past wanting to paint the room purple though, despite what a colossal pain in the ass it would be. So, I have been thinking I should paint another room. Like, say, the living room.
A couple of weeks ago, my cousin was visiting and we were at the mall. We stopped into a furniture store and tried out all the couches. I found a couch and oversized arm chair I really liked. The model name is Godiva Chocolate, so now I have a vision of the chocolate couches with the lavender walls. My co-worker has assured me this would NOT look good. So, I probably won't paint the living room. But I am tempted to get the couches. A charitable organization came knocking on my door the other day and will haul away the old ones. And we had decided that we were going to replace the couches within 5 years. But, we made so many major decisions sitting cross-legged facing each other on the current couch and that is a little hard for me to let go of. (Ironically, one of those decisions was to replace the couch and love seat). And there is the cost of the couches, which is conveniently just about the same as my tax refund. I swear all signs are pointing to me getting the couches, but I should do something more responsible with the money. But where's the fun in that?
Which leads me to the iPod. I have been thinking about getting one. I have a subscription music service I listen to at work, but our system is too slow to support it, so I am constantly having to stop it so songs can load so lately I have been just bringing in CDs, which means I am paying for a service I am not using. Plus, I joined a hiking group and it would be nice to have something to listen to while walking if my friend isn't there to talk to. An iPod is a lot less expensive than couches and if I get the Nano, it comes in purple. And the Macy's at the mall has an iPod vending machine that I really want to try out.
Ah, decisions, decisions. It's actually kind of fun.
I decided to start with the guest bathroom. It is a hideous mustard color with a green counter. I have been wanting to paint it since we moved in, but never got around to it. After we pretty much painted the entire interior of our 1800 sq. foot house in Arizona, James decided that he was never picking up a paintbrush again, so I knew if I wanted it done, I was on my own. I decided the bathroom would be a great place to start because, as I said, it is hideous and it is the room with the least emotional attachment.
In November, my aunt came to town on business and helped me pick out a set for the bathroom. It is the Rainier collection from Bed, Bath and Beyond (I will cry if they ever go out of business). Slowly, I started to accumulate all the pieces of the collection and with the help of a generous gift card from my mom, now have it all. I also have a bazillion paint samples on the wall and now that I have the whole bathroom set can decide on a color. My goal is to get this done Memorial Day weekend. It's not a firm goal should I get a better offer for that weekend.
In the meantime, I have been contemplating painting the bedroom purple (lavender) and getting new couches. I had a vision of pale purple walls and a new purple and white floral bedspread. Then I remembered that I have two dogs and I hate floral prints. I can't seem to get past wanting to paint the room purple though, despite what a colossal pain in the ass it would be. So, I have been thinking I should paint another room. Like, say, the living room.
A couple of weeks ago, my cousin was visiting and we were at the mall. We stopped into a furniture store and tried out all the couches. I found a couch and oversized arm chair I really liked. The model name is Godiva Chocolate, so now I have a vision of the chocolate couches with the lavender walls. My co-worker has assured me this would NOT look good. So, I probably won't paint the living room. But I am tempted to get the couches. A charitable organization came knocking on my door the other day and will haul away the old ones. And we had decided that we were going to replace the couches within 5 years. But, we made so many major decisions sitting cross-legged facing each other on the current couch and that is a little hard for me to let go of. (Ironically, one of those decisions was to replace the couch and love seat). And there is the cost of the couches, which is conveniently just about the same as my tax refund. I swear all signs are pointing to me getting the couches, but I should do something more responsible with the money. But where's the fun in that?
Which leads me to the iPod. I have been thinking about getting one. I have a subscription music service I listen to at work, but our system is too slow to support it, so I am constantly having to stop it so songs can load so lately I have been just bringing in CDs, which means I am paying for a service I am not using. Plus, I joined a hiking group and it would be nice to have something to listen to while walking if my friend isn't there to talk to. An iPod is a lot less expensive than couches and if I get the Nano, it comes in purple. And the Macy's at the mall has an iPod vending machine that I really want to try out.
Ah, decisions, decisions. It's actually kind of fun.
Monday, May 11, 2009
They are called EMERGENCY vehicles for a reason
Why is it some people feel they are exempt from getting out of the way of emergency vehicles? Drivers in this area are really bad about this. This is something that has always bothered me. Several years ago, James and I were out and about and had to pull over for an ambulance. I was disgusted that most people just kept on as usual. I remember saying to him "I wonder how they would feel if they found out it was one of their loved ones and they didn't get out of the way?"
When the ER doctor came to talk to me the night James died, I was told he had been down for 45 minutes. My dear friend was there with me and I remember telling her "that's too long." In hindsight, I realize that what he was probably saying was that from the time the call came in, it took 45 minutes for the ambulance to get there, get James out of the car and to the hospital. What I heard, however, was it took 45 minutes for the ambulance to travel just under 5 miles from the site of the accident to the hospital. (James had a heart attack while driving home from work. He drifted over two lanes of traffic and hit two other cars in the process. Luckily, no one else was injured. What I didn't know at the time is there is a 99.9% chance he died instantly). And, the ER doctor did say the ambulance was there within a couple of minutes.
Regardless of what really happened, to think that it took 45 minutes for the ambulance to travel such a short distance makes me sick to my stomach even now. Before James died, it just ticked me off when people didn't pull over for an emergency vehicle. Now, when it happens, I still get mad, but I also hope to God these idiots never have to live with the sick feeling that comes from knowing it took way too long for their loved one to get medical attention. I don't think it is a feeling that will ever go away.
When the ER doctor came to talk to me the night James died, I was told he had been down for 45 minutes. My dear friend was there with me and I remember telling her "that's too long." In hindsight, I realize that what he was probably saying was that from the time the call came in, it took 45 minutes for the ambulance to get there, get James out of the car and to the hospital. What I heard, however, was it took 45 minutes for the ambulance to travel just under 5 miles from the site of the accident to the hospital. (James had a heart attack while driving home from work. He drifted over two lanes of traffic and hit two other cars in the process. Luckily, no one else was injured. What I didn't know at the time is there is a 99.9% chance he died instantly). And, the ER doctor did say the ambulance was there within a couple of minutes.
Regardless of what really happened, to think that it took 45 minutes for the ambulance to travel such a short distance makes me sick to my stomach even now. Before James died, it just ticked me off when people didn't pull over for an emergency vehicle. Now, when it happens, I still get mad, but I also hope to God these idiots never have to live with the sick feeling that comes from knowing it took way too long for their loved one to get medical attention. I don't think it is a feeling that will ever go away.
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