Advent #10: Christmas Gifts

There is one gift that really stands out from my childhood because it was a mistake-sort of.

We lived in a very small town when I was growing up and there wasn't really anywhere for my parents to shop for gifts other than the Sear's catalog and the overpriced drugstores. So, they would go to Spokane to get our gifts, which was about 35 miles away. It's funny how far away that seemed as a child compared to now when that really doesn't seem like that big of a deal. One year, I really wanted Western Barbie. I got my Western Barbie, but apparently Mom had gotten distracted in the store and accidentally grabbed the black one instead of the white. She wasn't sure whether or not to give it to me since she figured I would be disappointed it wasn't exactly what I wanted, but I didn't care. A Barbie was a Barbie to me. The next Christmas, I got the black Beach Ken so she would have a boyfriend. I guess my parents didn't approve of Inter-racial Barbie relationships. Strawberry Shortcake's little friend Orange Blossom ultimately joined my little African-American Barbie family.

In recent years, the best gift I received was my Kitchenaid Stand mixer, which was a gift from James. His co-workers told him he was screwed-you don't get a woman appliances for Christmas! He just told them "you don't know my woman." And he was right. I wanted one of those mixers and I absolutely love it.

As I have been doing my shopping the last couple of weekends, I have seen several things I would have likely given James for Christmas this year. It is still hard to understand at times that I will never give him another gift. I hung the ornament from our first Christmas on the tree and I hung up his stocking. I didn't even hesitate on that. He is still in my heart and part of my life; it is up to me to decide how to remember him.

But at the same time, I find myself wondering where my life will be this time next year and whether or not there will be someone new on my list of people to buy Christmas presents for.

Advent Calender #9: Grab Bag

When I was in the 6th grade, one of my stocking stuffers was a pair of white socks with Santa's holding small Christmas trees all over them. These were my very first pair of novelty socks, and I thought they were pretty cool. I can't remember if I wore them every Christmas after that or just sporadically, but I do still have them. They are still in excellent shape, but then again, they are only worn once a year.

Several years ago, I picked up a couple more pairs of Christmas socks on a whim, and a couple more the year after that. Before I knew it, I had enough pairs of Christmas socks for the "12 days of Christmas." I had 11 pairs of my own; the 12th pair was James' Mickey Mouse Christmas socks.

Of course, I couldn't just wear the Christmas socks. I had to model them for my poor co-workers. Everyday, first thing, I would show off that day's socks and then go on my merry way. And when we exchanged gifts, a couple of them gave me socks, so they must not mind too much. (I also now have Halloween, Easter and Valentine's Day socks. I could use St. Patrick's Day socks-that would make it so I didn't forget to wear green).

My collection of socks has now grown enough that this year, I started the "Sock Countdown to Christmas" on December 8th. The week before, I proudly announced (or warned, depending on your point of view) to the sock viewing co-workers when the socks would begin. I almost sent them text messages this weekend of the socks of the day.

My excitement over my Christmas socks may seem silly, and it is. But this is the one part of the holidays for me that is not centered around family-it is the one holiday tradition that did not die with James as this was always my thing, not ours. It is the one part of the holidays that still truly brings me joy. And my co-workers graciously play along (and support me by giving me more socks. There was a pair waiting for me on my desk when I got to work not too long ago). So, I will continue to wear and show off my socks daily (when I went to volunteer today, one of the girls there asked what today's socks were and said she forgot to see if I was wearing Christmas socks at bunco last night), ending on Christmas Day with the socks that started this ball rolling 23 (wow!) years ago. Maybe next year, I will have enough that I can start wearing them the day after Thanksgiving.

Oh good, more tears

This has been a very bad couple of days on the ol' grief roller coaster. I have been crying pretty much nonstop since Thursday night, when I let my feelings get hurt over what I perceive to be a personality flaw of mine: the fact that I am reliable and predictable. I ended up feeling like the only time people want to be around me are when they need someone they can count on to show up. I know James' death changed me, but this made me feel that the change is so drastic that I have become unbearable to be around. It has made me miss James a lot more than I already was.

Sometime in the next week or so marks the 10th anniversary of the day I met James. I don't remember the exact date-a fact that has never bothered me until now. It is driving me nuts that I can't remember this, though what really matters is I do remember the circumstances and of course, the date of our first date.

I have also been struggling with trying to understand how in just 10 short years, I ended up back where I started: alone, lonely and fearful this is how it is always going to be. Only now, I have more stuff and two dogs. And I have more wisdom. I know what it is like to love and lose and what matters and what really doesn't. I try much harder not to take things for granted and to accept that if something isn't meant to be it isn't because of anything I did or didn't do. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me-that I am not good enough. It means that isn't the path for me. It is hard for me to look at things this way, because let's face it, rejection hurts no matter how you slice it. It doesn't compare to your partner dying by any means and it isn't the end of the world. But it does make you long for what you had and it is a step back. I was starting to feel like life was good again and now I feel like I am back in Square 1 and the walls need to be reinforced with steel because concrete just wasn't strong enough.

The thing is, I don't want to live behind a steel wall, or even a concrete wall. Living with walls to prevent getting hurt is a very sad and lonely way to live. I don't want to be sad and lonely for the rest of my life-I want to be able to open myself up to the possibility of being seen as more than just that really reliable girl. Because I am so much more than that. It's just really too bad not everyone can see that.

Advent #8: Christmas Cookies

I jumped the gun a little on this by talking about Christmas cookies along with holiday foods. I still haven't decided if I am going to make cookies this year or not, but it isn't looking very promising at this point. I am coming down with a cold and I am pretty sure no one wants to eat cookies with cooties.

I am kind of bummed about this, but at the same time relieved about the possibility of having Sunday, the day I would bake, to do nothing but just chill out with my homedogs. There will be other times to make cookies-this summer I had an arrangement with my neighbors: they mowed my lawn and in exchange, I made them cookies. Maybe if that arrangement continues next summer, I will make them Christmas cookies in July. Hopefully, next Christmas I am back to being my organized self and will be a little more in the spirit to bake.

Advent #7-Holiday Parties

I have been thinking about this one for the past few days. I'm really not coming up with much on the topic of holiday parties. I am sure we had cookies at school when I was young, but what I really remember is trading Valentine's Day cards and having treats for that, not Christmas.

As an adult, my holiday parties have not been what I consider to be the "typical" holiday party in that I have only been to one in which everyone dressed up and went to dinner after work. That was for a party for James' company several years ago. It was out at McMenamin's Edgefield and I was not thrilled about having to drive all the way out to Troutdale on a dark road by myself. I don't have the best night vision, especially in areas I am unfamiliar with but James and I were coming from different directions and it made more sense to meet there.

We ended up being the first ones there, so we explored the hotel and some of the little shops that are on the grounds. It was so cold! We ended up watching a blown glass demonstration, partially because it was cool to see how it was done, and partially because it was warm. A couple of weeks after the party, I went back and got James the paperweight we had watched them make and gave it to him for Valentine's Day. He kept it on his side of the headboard and that is one item of his I will always keep.

Soon, the others started to arrive, but they still weren't ready to seat us so a group of us girls explored the hotel looking for ghosts. We really wanted to get into the attic, but it was securely locked up and there was no way to get around it. So that was a bummer.

Finally, we were seated. James, our best friends, another couple and myself were seated at the far end of the table-we felt like we were at the little kid's table, and proceeded to act like it. It all started when the server came to take our orders and as seriously as he could, James asked her if any of the menu items were kosher. That was so random to the rest of us we couldn't help but laugh. It ultimately became a running joke and has now been asked at several restaurants. He did at one point actually go to a kosher restaurant and was quite impressed with how the food is handled and prepared. If James was interested in something, he was not shy about asking questions and learning all he could about it.

After determining Edgefield does not have a kosher menu (at least they did not that night), James moved on to using everyone's wine and water glasses to make music a la Sandra Bullock in "Miss Congeniality." He was quite good at it. The rest of us, sadly, could not get the hang of it, though that did not stop us from trying for much longer than was really necessary.

Those of us at the kid's table had a great time that night. I am pretty sure the same cannot be said for the grown-ups.

The company I work for now has a pizza party and white elephant gift exchange one day during lunch. That is usually entertaining as there is usually one really raunchy gift, at least one Starbucks gift card, a couple of nice gifts and a $10 bill. So far, I have come home with a copy of "American Pie: The Naked Mile," which I traded for to add to our "American Pie" collection, a dart board, and a flask shaped like a hammer, which is still in my desk drawer and which I have been granted permission to use on a really annoying co-worker.

Our best friends' family also has a white elephant and pizza party on Christmas Eve. Last year, my friend braved the nasty roads to come get me for it and I ended up with a white elephant, which was kind of bittersweet as after my work party last year, James had made the comment that it would be really funny if someone took a white elephant to a white elephant party. It sits on my filing cabinet at work. He is carrying Budha around and is protected by my ninjas. I have an interesting assortment of things on my filing cabinet that I am always looking to add to. Maybe one of this year's white elephant parties will give me a new toy for my collection.

Advent #6: Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

If I could win my fantasy football league this year, that would totally rock. I would also like MH #2, all the stupid people to lose their licenses until after the first of the year, Charlie to stop barking at the shrub-like thing I am passing off as this year's tree, my salary returned to what it was before the pay cut, and good road conditions on Christmas so I don't have to bail on the volunteer project I am signed up to do. Oh-and I would also really like a Snuggie. Green, since they don't come in purple.

Thanks!
Heather

(p.s. Thanks for your patience with posing with my dogs last weekend. I know that couldn't have been easy. Sorry Sammy was such a pain!)
*******************************************************************************
Ah yes, letters to Santa. They were so simple when I was younger. I would usually ask for something to do with Barbie. I always wanted the dream house, which was always too expensive. I did get the less-expensive slum house one year though and I was happy with that. I still have a lot of the furniture, which may actually be back in style. I also got the Corvette, which was super cool. The letter to Santa was basically a list of everything I had marked in the Sear's wish book, which I just realized was probably my parents way of getting out of going through the book to see what I wanted.

As I got older, letters to Santa became letters to Mom. My parents divorced when I was 9, as I mentioned before, and although my parents had joint custody, we lived with Dad. My wish list of toys gradually grew into more grown up things like books and CDs. And then I got to the point of not really wanting anything specific. When I would tell my parents I didn't really have anything in mind, they would ask what I wanted for my birthday. I never understood this. If I don't know what I want for Christmas, how the heck am I going to know what I want 3 weeks later? This year, I am prepared. If Mom asks, I am going to tell her I want a green Snuggie. I already told my brother but it doesn't hurt to have a backup plan.

Every year, I have received a gift from Santa (who apparently employs Mom as his gift labeler). I am curious to see what Santa will bring me this year.

Advent #5: Outside Decorations

We did not have outdoor decorations when I was growing up. We decorated every inch of the living room and the bonus room we could, however, so the house was very festive. I love pulling out my childhood ornaments now and picturing where they used to sit in my childhood home, although some are a little worse for the wear after all these years!

When James and I bought our first house, I wanted to decorate outside. So, we went to Wal-Mart and bought way more clear lights than were needed for a 1458 square foot house. In our defense, we were novices. I insisted on clear lights. I like the classy, clear light look outside and the fun, colorful look inside. (The lights on the tree HAVE to blink). We (and by "we," I of course mean "he") strung the lights around the front of the house. James even got up on the roof to string lights around the dormer roof-while I watched with a knot in my stomach that did not go away until he was safely back on the ground. He was very methodical about the whole process. Before any lights could be hung, he got out a piece of graph paper, drew the house to scale and mapped out how the lights should go. For as anal and organized as I am, I do not have this kind of patience. I don't want to deal with logistics: I just want to put them up. In addition to the lights on the house, we replaced the light bulbs in the lights on either side of the garage with red and green bulbs and we put those grid-like lights over the shrubs along the front sidewalk. I loved how it looked.

And then we got the power bill. And James, who rarely denied me anything, said that we would not be doing lights again, unless I wanted to make up the difference in the power bill (we had a his-hers-ours approach to the bills). I decided I did not want to do this and all those lights sat unused for several years.

The second year in this house, I decided I wanted to do something simple and just put lights and garland around the pillars on the porch. That lasted for about a week before I pulled all the garland down because the actual look did not turn out like the image in my head (note: do NOT use the cheapest garland available for outdoor decorating). I left up the lights but took down the garland, only to be told by the neighbor across the street she had been enjoying the way it looked. I guess it did look like what I had in mind-but only from a distance.

Last year, my first Christmas without James, I decided I wanted to really decorate outside. With the help of my neighbor, I put up lights across the front of the house and garage, which I never did bother to take down. I also put them around the pillars. I broke my "clear light only" rule and put purple lights in the rhododendrons that are in front of the porch. I put the grid-lights (I can't think of what these are called) over the little shrubs that sit in front of the rhododendrons. I set up my little wooden snowman on the front porch and plugged him in too. I tied big red (store bought) bows around the lights on either side of the garage. I got a Christmas doormat. And I got to enjoy this for about a week before we were hit with the worst storm this area has seen in 40 years and my shrubs were buried under a foot of snow and my lights along the front of the house were encased in ice. My purple lights did not survive (so NOT happy about that!), nor did some of the clear ones, including one of the strands along the front of the house.

my front porch, 2008

After the storm

This year, I am not doing outside lights. I am being a scrooge as the paycut I took in February makes purposely increasing my power bill a luxury I can't afford. I do love driving through the neighborhood and seeing all the houses all lit up however so hopefully, next year mine can be among them again.