Wednesday, May 11, 2011

More of the Same

Lately it seems I am having the same conversation over and over with different friends.  No matter how it starts it always turns to dating and the same thing keeps becoming apparent:  of all my single friends, I'm the only one who can't get a date.  I wish I knew what I was doing wrong-or better yet, what is wrong with me.  Because it is to the point where I really believe that is the case.  I have read that when you are around someone you are attracted to, your pupils automatically dilate.  So, I've been paying attention to the pupils of guys when I am around them.  And what I have been noticing is if their pupils got any smaller, they wouldn't have them.  Wow.  I know I'm not a supermodel but I didn't think I was that hideous.  I'm tired of feeling so damn ugly.

This sucks.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I just want it to be my turn.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield

My latest theme song:

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah 

I'm anxiously awaiting to see how my next chapter is meant to be written.

Collision

A few months after James died, I started a Meetup group for young widows and widowers.  Around the same time, I joined Facebook.  I did that because my Canadian friend "made" me.  He did it in the form of a riddle-if I wanted to know what he looked like, that's what I had to do.  Ironically, he's not a Facebook fan. 

At first, I only accepted friend requests on Facebook from people I've known for a long time-close friends, family, classmates, etc.  Facebook, for me, was a place where not everyone knew my story.  For most people, I was just Heather.  I was the girl they remembered from grade school, high school, college, our time in Arizona, etc.  I was me again.  And I liked it. 

And then my widower friend sent me a friend request.  I didn't know what to do about that; it would be an intersection of two parts of my life I was keeping separate-that I was compartmentalizing.  I accepted the friend request; I then allowed other members of my widow/ers group become my Facebook friends as well.  As I became close to the members of the fun Meetup group, I slowly started to "friend" them on Facebook as well.  I let those two parts of my world collide.  It's handy if I want to plan an event for just my friends instead of posting the event through Meetup.  I have them all in the same place.

My widowed peeps group knows about my fun Meetup group; most of my friends in the fun group know about the other group.  But they've always been two separate entities.  Until now.  At our last dinner, my widower friend, another member of the group and I decided we should have a karaoke night.  We decided it should be posted for our group but also through Facebook to open it up to our other friends as well.  We set it up for Friday night.  I didn't know how this would turn out.  Not everyone is comfortable hanging out with a group of grieving people.  (They don't know our group!)  On Facebook, I just said it was a night for friends. 

The turnout consisted of myself and three others from the widowed peeps group, two friends of my widower friend and six friends from the fun Meetup group.  We had a great time; I was happily surrounded by some of my favorite people.

I told my friend who helped create the fun group I never thought my Meetup worlds would collide.  We've discussed my compartmentalizing my life.  He gave me a kiss and said he didn't think he'd see it either.  I'm glad it did.  After all, we're all just people.  Awesome ones at that.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Match

Hello. My name is Heather and I'm addicted to online dating.  Or, rather, not dating.  I think I'm really just addicted to hope and when I see others around me have some measure of success, whether it leads to happily ever after or not, I think "well, hey, that can happen for me too."  Except it never does.

Last month, I decided to try Match.com.  I tried them about this time last year and my profile was rejected.  But a couple of friends have been getting dates/girlfriends this way so I thought "hey, me too!" and signed up for a month.  I figured having to pay for it would make it better.  I was ready to be done after three days.

As the month went on, I continued to become more and more discouraged.  My low number of profile views once again brought Dad back to the surface: "What's so wrong with you that you can't attract a man?"  I don't know, Dad, wish I did.

In one month's time, my profile was viewed 222 times by 148 men.  I know one of them viewed it about 5 times.  One thing I don't like about Match is it shows you who viewed your profile but not when.  And while it shows you who viewed you, it doesn't show you who you viewed.  I know I viewed a couple more than once because I couldn't remember if I viewed them already or just made a mental note to view them.  So, I don't know how many profiles I viewed but I know I didn't view all 148 who viewed me.  Pretty much everyone said the same thing anyway.  Almost everyone is athletic and toned, loves to work out and does so at least 5 times a week, doesn't smoke, is a social drinker, loves kids and the outdoors, doesn't watch TV and has at least one picture in which they are holding a fish.  The good thing is they all like dogs.  The weird thing is how many people from Meetup I recognized.

Of the 148 men who viewed me, 4 winked at me.  The first was a 47-year-old whose profile says he's interested in someone who is 45-58.  I am 37.  At my co-worker's urging, I winked back.  The next day his profile was no longer available.

The second was from a 49-year-old in the UK.  My profile says I am looking for someone aged 30-44 within 50 miles of where I live.  Which is not the UK or anywhere remotely close to it.

The third one I did email back and forth with a couple of times but his responses didn't really move conversation forward and it died out.  He did "favorite" me but later unfavorited me.

The last was from someone who kind of creeped me out.  I thanked him for the wink but said I didn't think we'd be a good match.

I sent 28 winks.  Six of them viewed my profile.  One sent me the generic "thanks, but no thanks" message.  Two others sent the "thanks, but no thanks" message without viewing my profile. 

Other than Wink #3, I did not receive e-mails from anyone but sent 14.  Again, six members viewed my profile.  One sent a "thanks, but no thanks."  I e-mailed back and forth a couple of times with two others, but again, conversation died out.  A fourth e-mailed me thanking me for sending a message of substance but said he was so discouraged with online dating that he was done pursuing it.  He did not view my profile.

I don't know what normal is in terms of response, but I feel this isn't it.  I was thinking about paying for a second month and putting up an identical profile of Plenty of Fish so I could compare the experience of a free vs a paid site but I don't think I am going to do this.  Over the weekend, I stayed away from Match and didn't miss it.  Instead I went out and had fun with my friends.  A lot of fun.  And that is what I need to be doing.  The rest will come.  If it's meant to.  I snapped my fingers and willed someone to fall in love with me.  He's cute, nice, he makes me laugh and he loves dogs; he has two.  Wouldn't it be funny if of all things that actually worked?

He's Just Not That Into You

He's just not that into you online:
He's just not that into you if he's not viewing your profile.
He's just not that into you if he's not winking at you after reading your profile.
He's just not that into you if he's not e-mailing you after reading your profile.
He's just not that into you if he doesn't view your profile after you wink at or email him after reading his profile.
He's just not that into you if he views your profile after you wink at or e-mail him but doesn't respond.
He's just not that into you if he views your profile after you wink at or e-mail him and he sends the generic "thanks, but no thanks" message.
He's just not that into you if you e-mail back and forth a few times and he lets it die out.

He's just not that into you offline:
He's just not that into you if he's not texting, calling, e-mailing, sending carrier pigeons, smoke signals, etc.
He's just not that into you if he's not responding to texts, calls, e-mails, carrier pigeons, smoke signals, etc.
He's just not that into you if he's engaging in playful banter but does not ask you out after a couple of days of said banter (especially true if he's already asked you out once and then cancelled.  Not rescheduled.  Outright cancelled).
He's just not that into you if he asks you out in a way that makes you feel he doesn't really want you to say "yes." (See above item.  Still wondering what the point of that is).
He's just not that into you if he does initiate and/or respond to the above-mentioned forms of communication but never asks you on a date.  (Even if he does hug and/or kiss you hello and good-bye at Meetup events.  Especially a bummer if he's a good kisser).
He's just not that into you if he's dating someone else.  
He's just not that into you if he's in love with someone else, even if she doesn't feel the same way.
He's just not that into you if you are sitting at home watching baseball (Go Braves!) while composing "he's just not that into you" lists.

It doesn't matter who "he" is.  He's just not that into you if you are me.