Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Weeds 1, Heather 0

I have determined I am allergic to yard work and that it isn't really my cup of tea.  Waste Collections picks up yard debris every two weeks.  Today was yard debris day and thanks to the generosity of my neighbors, my 64-gallon can was overfilled with not only lawn clippings but weeds they pulled the last time they came over and mowed the lawn.

When I got home today, I took the little monsters for a quick walk and decided to pull the weeds along the fence (between the sidewalk and the fence).  I don't usually pass by that part of the house since I rarely travel north on that side street so when I walked the dogs by there yesterday I was surprised (though I shouldn't have been) to see the area was overgrown with weeds.  And then I remembered I am responsible for that side of the sidewalk as it is technically my property. 

In less than an hour, I pulled a muscle in my ribs (which I strongly do NOT recommend), had an allergic reaction to some weed (at least the rash isn't as bad as the last time I did yard work), scratched my shin to the point of drawing blood, and refilled the yard debris can which means I have to wait another two weeks before I can add to it.  And my yard still looks like this is a vacant property.  But, hey, at least the fence line is pretty again. 

Dear Fairy Godmother, please make there be a way I can have my yard service back.  Thank you.

"Ready to Love Again" by Lady Antebellum

I kept hearing the following lyrics on the radio, but never the whole song: "It's a quarter after 1:00.  I'm a little drunk and I need you now. I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now."  I didn't know the title or artist of this song and wanted to hear the rest of it. 

The night I signed my life away on the house in California (note to self:  your mother-in-law's birthday is tomorrow), I stopped in to Baskin Robbins to take comfort in a double scoop of Baseball Nut (my absolute favorite non-chocolate seasonal ice cream flavor).  The song was playing so I asked the gal helping me if she knew the name of it and who sang it.  She told me it is "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum.  It's an awesome song I have played on YouTube so many times the dogs probably have it memorized.

I subscribe to Rhapsody so I added it to my playlist.  I also decided to see if they had any other songs I like and found one whose lyrics are so perfect for where I feel I am right now.  The song is called "Ready to Love Again," and the lyrics are:

Seems like I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
Scared of love, but scared of life alone.
Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

Just when you think love will never find you
You run away and it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that we can't control.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, ready to love again.

Okay, Universe.  Bring it on.


I don't sleep well.  I haven't slept well in years.  In fact, I don't know when I last slept well consistently, but I think it may have been when I was still in college.  I don't have a problem falling asleep-I have a problem with staying asleep.  And I have very active dreams (which I don't remember now as well as I used to before James died) that leave me feeling restless and on some mornings even more tired than when I went to bed.  I wish I could still remember them like before.  If I am going to wake up exhausted, it would be nice to know why.

I have been remembering bits and pieces of my dreams lately, however.  It's not so much the dreams themselves but the recurring themes that have been happening almost nightly for the last three weeks (so basically since NLNG blew me off, although he did call again last night.  I have no clue what is up with that whole thing): I am searching for something and I don't fit in anywhere.

In my dreams, I am with others and we are on a scavenger hunt.  I don't know what we are looking for-we are just trying to find "it."  And then I am alone watching them go off while I stand and watch feeling like I am looking through a window at everyone else living life oblivious to my existence.  The content is different-it is not the same dream every night but they start and end the same:  I start off with a team and end up alone watching them from a distance (can we say "abandonment issues?").  I keep waking myself up from these dreams in the middle of the night and don't want to go back to sleep because I know the unhappiness of my dreams is waiting for me to return.  (Last night's dream ended very strangely.  I was driving my car (the Lancer) up a hill on a beach and saw a lady's head sticking up from the sand.  It was too late to stop so I ran her over, only when I ran over her, she was lying down so I didn't hit her, just went over her.  She was dazed when I stopped the car and her arm was bruised but she seemed okay.  Okay enough that she was playing Frisbee and flirting heavily with Volunteer Guy (I have no idea where he came from; he wasn't in the rest of the dream) while we waited for the ambulance.  I was annoyed because I wanted to leave because I was tired and wanted to go home and go to bed but couldn't leave because I had to give my statement.  I ended up on the phone (which had an extremely long cord) with the ambulance dispatcher and she said it would be at least a couple more hours and then we started trash talking the girl I ran over who was one of those random dream people).

Today I decided to consult my favorite dream interpretation website for insight.  Scavenger hunt specifically is not in there.  (I did a super cool scavenger hunt with the fun Meetup group on 6/13 so I'm guessing that is why my search is in the form of a scavenger hunt).  For hunt, it says: "to dream that you are hunting suggests that you are seeking or pursuing some inner desire, either emotional or physical.  You may be "hunting" for a solution or for a sexual desire."  For search, it says: "to dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life.  The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlighentment, peace or even a solution to a problem."

I don't think it is going to take a rocket scientist to figure this one out.  I want to love again.  I want to be in love again.  I want to be a part of something bigger than myself again.  And while I am waiting Lord knows how long for that to happen, I want to dream about something much happier that won't be fit for print on my little PG-rated blog!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Really, Universe?

Last night at 8:38 pm, I posted this:

"It is hard to move away from someone who pops up every time I resolve to do just that.  (I really want to text him right now and tell him I got a new phone that has an awesome GPS-he learned quickly I am hopeless with navigating downtown Portland).  I'm convinced at this point the universe is just messing with my head for shits and giggles."

As I mentioned, over the weekend, I got a new phone.  I had been eligible for an upgrade since 9/11/07 and was holding out.  I figured as long as my friend held out, I would too.  Then he had to go and get an iPhone (probably should have given him the memo).  So I lost my excuse and started to e-mail myself my pictures and text messages I wanted to keep.  I also made a spreadsheet of my contacts in case I lost them.  Plus, the phone was originally James' and I kept a lot of his contacts in it.  So there were numbers I would like to keep but don't need in my phone.  And now I have a Droid, which I have to admit is a pretty nifty little phone.

My contacts weren't transferred for me so right now the only contacts I have are those who have sent me text messages since Saturday.  (This is proving to be a sad reminder of how infrequently people contact me!)  This morning, I went to send a text and saw new icons at the top of the screen, but nothing happened when I tried to tap on them so I shrugged it off.  (So far I have figured out how to text and take pictures of my dogs and upload them to Facebook.  And I set the ringtone and made Sammy my wallpaper). 

I tried again this afternoon and somehow came up with a menu that told me I had a missed call and a voicemail message.  From NLNG, who called last night at 9:43 pm to see how I was doing.  Really? Thank you Universe for proving my point.  Do you know how many people are baffled by this?  I told my friend I am starting to feel like I'm not supposed to move away from him since he keeps popping up when I try.  She said to call him back and tell him he is now beginning to piss her off and I should straight out ask what is going on.  I responded that would probably be less painful than banging my head on the desk.  My best friend is still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  She's the nicer of the two of us when it comes to giving people more than one chance.

I haven't called back yet but have given myself some strength in the form of repeatedly (5 times) listening to Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback" girl.  Would playing that in the background when I call him back be subtle?  I'm thinking no.

The thing is I have been praying for a second chance to try to get it right.  I know it takes two but I feel there are things I probably could have down differently-as could he.  I don't want someone who I have to constantly entertain, but I want someone who can take two minutes to let me know I am still on the radar; preferably more than once a month.

This whole thing is making my head spin.

Mission Accomplished

My boss and I are both fans of "The Celebrity Apprentice."  This season's show came down to Bret Michaels and Holly Robinson Peete, with their final task to create new flavors of Snapple.  Due to being busy with other things, I did not watch the finale until several weeks after it aired, though I had a good idea of who won because a certain co-worker of mine (who doesn't watch the show) kept asking if I watched it yet. (No, you did not ruin it for me).  Miraculously, I did not find out from the Internet prior to watching so there must have actually been real news to report during this time.

Once I finally watched and discussed the finale with my boss, we made the decision we had to try the two types of tea created for the show and see which we liked better.  I had heard commercials for them so I figured they would be in the stores.  About 3 hours after my boss and I made the decision to have our own taste test, I was doing a volunteer project at the Food Bank and what should come down the sorting aisle:  the two "Celebrity Apprentice" Snapple teas.  So I knew someone in the Portland area had them.

Or so I thought.  What happened next was a two week quest to find the tea in which my boss and I went to several stores and gas stations only to leave empty handed.  I went to the Snapple site to see who should have them.  I posted a request on to see if any other members had seen them. I got no response.  Bound and determined, I tried store after store getting frustrated with each one but bound and determined to complete this challenge.

Then my boss got a great idea:  he tracked down the distributor and called them.  Even the girl he talked to there didn't know where to find them so she took his name and number and she actually called back.  And told us to check out the stores we already tried--in a week or so.  They had been advertised but were not actually being carried yet.  Victory was in sight.

And then it happened: a week before they were to be in the stores, I happened to be at the Gateway Fred Meyer for some odd reason (most likely to use the bathroom before getting on MAX).  I came around a corner and there they were on the endcap.  Angels sang.  (Ok, not really).  I did a happy dance (just a small one) and bought a six-pack of each since that was my only option (at least they were on sale).  I wanted to send my boss a text that I had the goods, but he has a tendency to leave his phone in the car and I didn't think it was really appropriate.  So I waited until Monday morning to tell him.  I'll admit having to wait all weekend did take some of the excitement out of it.

It ended up being late Tuesday afternoon before we tried our taste test.  We decided to try Bret's "Trop-a-rocka" first since it's diet and that tends to have that weird aftertaste.  I was dismayed to see my bottle had floaties (I like Snapple but don't drink it often because of the floaties.  I really hate floaties).  My boss didn't have floaties so he switched bottles with me.  We took our sips and the first thing I tasted was peach.  I like peaches but not peach flavoring or scent so this kind of ruined it for me.  So we tried Holly's "Compassionberry," which is a regular tea.  We were disappointed that there was nothing really "wow" about it.  It turned out, however, Bret's tea was a lot stronger and sort of muted out the flavor of Holly's when tried back-to-back.  When I tried hers again later, I liked it a lot better.

I really wanted to like Bret's tea better.  I am glad he won because I think he deserved to.  Yes, Holly did make more on one challenge than anyone in "Apprentice" history, but most challenges had a fixed winning amount and I feel that Bret was an overall better player.  But when it comes to the tea, Holly is the winner in my eyes.

Sunday, June 27, 2010


It was two months ago that I met No Longer New Guy (NLNG).  Lately, I have been thinking this all has a familiar ring to it.

I moved here in 1996 not long after I graduated from college.  I didn't know anyone other than the sorority sister's family I was staying with and I didn't really know them that well either.  I was working for a small glass company and I thought our Culligan water guy was cute so when he needed a 4th for his bowling team, I decided I would join.  I suck at bowling but I thought it would be a good way to meet people (what was I thinking?!) and I would get to see Culligan Guy on a weekly basis-which would have happened had he not hurt his back a few weeks into it and quit.

I ended up bowling a second year on the league with one of my teammates from the first year but we had a hard time keeping a full team for the season and decided to play a third season by ear.  There was a girl on another team who was in a similar boat-her teammates didn't want to play anymore and we tossed out the idea of forming a new team.  We didn't know each other that well and she invited me to go out one night right after league ended to hang out.  She suggested the New Copper Penny as she liked going there and there was a guy who tended to come in with his roommate who had a thing for her.

When the night came, I didn't want to go.  But at the time I did want to bowl again and was looking at not having a team or knowing anyone who would be willing to commit to a league.  So I went.  And the guy and his roommate came in.  And I thought the roommate was cute.  His name was the same as NLNG's.  By the end of the night, he had my number and we had plans to go out the next day.  (This was 1998.  I don't think the "rules" were written yet).  Our first date lasted about 8 hours. 

We dated for a confusing month in which I spent more time wondering if he was going to call than actually talking to and seeing him.  It was during the second month his sister finally outright told me he just wasn't that into me.  I'm sure I knew that; I just didn't want to be alone anymore.  Ultimately, he told me he wanted to try to reconcile with his ex because he missed being a stepdad to her kids.  It didn't phase him that she had moved in with her new boyfriend.  He felt he could win her back.  The last time I saw him was when he helped me move, which was nice of him since we were no longer dating at that point.  I want to say that was September of 1998.  He was the only person I had dated since moving here two years prior and really the only person I dated since my high school boyfriend in 1992.  It was over a year after this that I would meet James.

And now I have gone and done it again.  I have gone out to a bar on a night I didn't want to go and met a guy with the same name as Mr. 1998 who after a month decided he just isn't that into me after all.  Only this time, though I don't want to accept or believe it, I recognize it for what it is.  (No more dating guys named New Guy I meet in a bar!).  Things are different this time in that with as much as technology has advanced since 1998, it is harder to not know what NLNG is up to. 

Last weekend, I was at the coast and decided I just needed to stop guessing and hoping and just move on.  This was Sunday.  Monday, I saw he was on the Meetup group site.  I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and I did have a brief moment of wanting to remove him from the group (since as an assistant organizer I can do that-I didn't).  I figured he wouldn't go to any events I am planning to attend.  Tuesday night, I went on a night walk with the group.  As we were finishing up, I resolved to delete him from my phone before upgrading it over the weekend so his contact info wouldn't be transferred over.  An hour later, I heard the text alert.  I had been texting back and forth with a friend; I figured it was her.  My feet told me in no uncertain terms were they going to take another trip downstairs so I left it until Wednesday morning.  I was surprised to see it was from him (after almost a month of him not taking any initiative to contact me) asking how the walk was and that he thought about going but couldn't get out of work.  Thursday, I told my friends I was through.  I had had enough and was finally just done trying to figure it out.  I was scrolling through my Facebook wall and an update appeared from him.  He must have his settings set to everyone instead of friends only because he never accepted (or ignored for that matter) my friend request.  It is hard to move away from someone who pops up every time I resolve to do just that.  (I really want to text him right now and tell him I got a new phone that has an awesome GPS-he learned quickly I am hopeless with navigating downtown Portland).  I'm convinced at this point the universe is just messing with my head for shits and giggles.

But I can't help but wonder:  does this mean the next one I meet will be my second James (please don't let his name be James!) and does this mean I have another year to go before that happens?  And if history is repeating itself, does that mean I will only get 8 years with him too?  That's a scary thought!  Starting over at 36 sucks enough-I don't want to be sitting here writing an updated version of this when I am 46!

I really hate not knowing what life is going to bring my way.  Just get on with it already, will you?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Internal Monologue

Over the last couple of weeks as I have tried to force myself to accept the reality of being blown off by New Guy, I have had quite the internal monologue with myself.  I'm pretty much sick of listening to it.

"He's just not that into you if he's not calling you."
"Maybe he's just really busy."
"It takes 2 minutes to send a text message.  He could do that while he's in the can.  Even the busiest of people need a bathroom break now and then."
"He's an idiot.  His loss."
"Just because he isn't feeling it doesn't mean he's an idiot.  It just means I'm not the right one."
"But I met him just the way it was predicted I would.  So does that mean there isn't a second chance at love for me?"
"I don't believe in fate, angels, or any of that cosmic bullshit anymore."
"I really wish I could stop believing that things happen for a reason and this was all a coincidence."
"What did I do wrong to make this happen?"
"There could be a million reasons why this happened that have nothing to do with you."
"Did I come across as desperate?  Was I too aloof?"
"Was he ever really interested at all?  Did he look at me and think "who's that" or did he look at me and think "Bingo! She has lonely written all over her face.""
"Maybe he doesn't really like the dogs."
"Maybe things were going too fast and it freaked him out."
"Maybe things were going too slow and he got bored."
"How do I accept being alone for the rest of my life?"
"I wish James was still here."
"Did I not seem interested enough?"
"I want a second chance.  I want a do over.  But will I just screw that up too?"
"Maybe I should just be alone for the rest of my life.  This is too hard."
"I have my dogs.  That's all I really need."
"But my dogs aren't going to live forever."
"Aw, look how cute they are."
"I hate this life.  I want my old life back."
"Maybe he'll still call."
"He's not going to call."
"I wonder what he's doing?"
"I don't (shouldn't) care what he's doing.  He doesn't care what I'm doing."
"I just wish I knew where I went wrong."
"I just wish I had a crystal ball that showed me everything is going to be okay."

Rain, Rain Go AWAY

Rain, rain go away
Don't come back until next May.

I am so sick of the rain.  I have lost track of how many days of it we have had and have started to wonder how people live in Alaska during the dark part of the year without going insane.  We had a great weekend, followed by more rain.  I felt great this weekend; now I am back in the doldrums.  It's just too dreary to put on a happy face and mean it.  (On the plus side, my water bill is lower than usual as I haven't had to turn the sprinkler system on yet).  We are predicted to have rain off and on throughout the weekend and then a drying trend is possible for next week.  They said that about this week too.

Monday is the first official day of summer.  Or shall I say winter?

Memory Card

I should know better than to try to buy anything related to technology without having all the specifications first.  If I don't, chances are I am going to get something wrong.

Last March just before leaving for Mexico, I bought an 8 GB memory card for the camera.  (I planned to take a lot of pictures).  Luckily I had the foresight to do this two days before and to test it before we left.  It was a good thing I did this as it turns out neither of my printers have the capability to read it.  This is how I learned certain printers (i.e. "old" ones like mine-which are only a few years old) cannot read high capacity memory cards.  Luckily I had time to make a last minute stop to Office Depot the day before we left to get memory cards my printers can read.  Unfortunately, somehow between buying the first one, getting home with it, testing it and then leaving for Mexico I managed to lose the receipt, which I did not find in the 14-day return time window.  So I am stuck with a memory card that looking around this disaster area I call an office is God knows where.

This weekend I am going to an event that I am hoping will have some awesome photo opportunities.  (Note to Mother Nature:  please stop the rain madness on Saturday).  I took my point and shoot digital to Mexico but plan to take the "good" camera to this event.  I have had a couple of issues with the memory cards I have lately so I decided somewhat spur of the moment that I should stop at Office Depot on my way home tonight and get a new one.  And I became one of those customers tech people hate.

Office Depot Guy:  "Are you finding everything?"
Me:  "I need a new memory card for my digital camera."
OD Guy:  "Do you know what kind you need?"
Me:  "The big square one."  (aka a compact flash I have learned)

It turns out they only had two available as most cameras use the little memory cards.  The two they had were 8 GB and 16 GB.  I told him my printer did not read the "big gig memory cards."  I'm pretty sure he's heard this before as he knew what I was talking about. 

OD Guy: "I don't suppose you know what kind of printer you have?"  He caught on quickly.
Me:  "It's an Epson Stylus." 
OD Guy:  "Do you know the model number?"
Me: "No. But it's a photo printer."  In hindsight, I guess that was probably pretty obvious.

We tried to Google it and found one that looked similar.  We tried to Google compact flash cards to see what is considered high capacity.  I had to get to the post office before it closed so I finally just bought the card.  He suggested that before I opened it, I Google the model number of my printer to see if it was compatible.  So I tried that.  Finding a way to break into Fort Knox may have been easier.  I learned my printer will read Type I and Type II.  I bought a Platinum Type II.  Is there more than one kind of Type II?  I decided I didn't have all night to research it and decided to try the card.  (Note to Lexar:  your packaging is a pain in the ass to open). 

I took a couple of pictures of the dogs (my usual test subjects) and tried to see if the printer can read the card.  It can.  Yea!  I took a couple more and tried again.  It still worked.  Yea!  I am good to go-and have the capacity to take 2200 pictures, compared to the 576 I can usually take.  I should be able to get a good one or two out of that.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Happy Birthday Honey

Happy Birthday Honey.  You would (and should) have turned 44 today.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Mental Musings

There is so much going through my head right now that I'm surprised my little pea brain hasn't exploded!  I don't know whether to try to break it up into a bunch of little posts or just go with one long one.  I also don't even know where to begin.

28 Months
I guess I'll start here.  Yesterday marked the 28th month of James' passing.  The last few 6ths have not been too bad but the days leading up to yesterday were pretty brutal.  It doesn't help that this coming Friday is his birthday.  And there is stress over the new house, there is stress over the New Guy and I am suffering from the winter blahs.  It is weird to be saying that on the 7th of June, but it's true.  The weather has been so dreary and nasty lately-much more like winter than late spring.  We have already exceeded our average rainfall for the entire month and while it is nice and sunny right now, another storm is expected to blow through tomorrow night.  I'm not the only one feeling it.  All around me are people who are down in the dumps and/or have no energy.  And I am sure I'm not the only one who is sick of their winter clothes!

I have also been forced to recognize some changes in myself that I should have seen but really didn't, which have come as a bit of a shock and which I will get to, and I can't help but wonder how James would feel about this version of me-would I still be as attractive to him?

The Braces
The last several months have been up and down with the braces.  My appointments have been 4 weeks apart and have been bouncing back and forth between me getting them off "soon" and "not for a long time."  It has been very frustrating, not to mention painful.  Each adjustment leaves me feeling like I have been punched in the jaw for about a week.  At my last appointment, which was on the 1st, I was told I would be getting them off on 6/14.  Then they called today.  When the gal said "we have you scheduled to come in for removal on the 14th..." I thought "Oh HELL no.  You are not pushing that back!"  Turns out she was calling for the opposite reason.  They had a cancellation tomorrow and were calling to see if I wanted to take the spot.  So the braces come off tomorrow.  I'll believe it when they are gone. 

James died about a week after we found out I might need them, so my getting them was part of the first chapter of my life without him.  And that chapter is now coming to a close.  An entire chapter he was not a part of.  One of what will be many he is not here to witness.  I sat at my desk crying over that for a bit this afternoon.  I sent out a text and e-mails to my closest friends to tell them the good news, but there was no special someone to tell first.  I wonder, will there ever be a special someone to tell the good news to first again?  I also wonder what people who have never seen me without them will think.  I have had several people tell me I have a great smile.  Will they still think so when the metal is gone?  Or will I be less attractive to them?

Dance Class
I am taking a line dance class.  Today was class number 4 of 7.  It's okay.  I think we are learning some of the older, less popular dances and I'm not sure I will ever actually do them outside of class, other than "The Electric Slide" and "The Boot-Scoot Boogie."  Ten years ago, when I first started dating James, I was taking a dance class-it was my second go-around with beginning tap dance.  I had always wanted to learn and was taking the class through Portland Parks and Rec.  I had just started the class and didn't attend very many of them, choosing to spend the time with James instead (and I doubt I remember any of the steps).  Now here it is 10 years later, taking a dance class and I just started dating someone new.  But I don't think it is going to have the same ending as I believe it has already ended.  In another 10 years from now, will I be starting yet another dance class and will I have just started dating another new person?

New Guy
This should almost have its own post, but I am on a roll.  I had decided I wouldn't think about dating again until the braces came off.  (I also decided I wasn't going to post anything more about New Guy).  Clearly that didn't happen as I met New Guy in April.  There were a series of interesting things that happened up to that point:  having a reading with my friend's mom in which she said I would meet the man I marry in the spring, my horoscope saying April was the best time to meet someone and my friend and I both having dreams on the same night in February about me needing to be somewhere; in my dream it was the second Meetup event of the day.  In her dream, I didn't notice a guy with dark, wavy hair and "weird" eyes standing by my car because I was in a hurry to get somewhere-the man she just knew I was supposed to be with.

I met New Guy, who has dark, wavy hair and weird eyes on 4/24 at my second Meetup event of the day.  But in true cosmic joke fashion, it would appear he has lost interest and is now blowing me off (A-this is why I gave you a pillow this morning.  It's so it doesn't hurt so much when you bang your head against your desk).  Inner Heather says he is going to call.  But I haven't actually spoken to him in a little over two weeks and he has made no effort to try to contact me in over a week.  Rule #1 of "He's Just Not That Into You": he's just not that into you if he's not calling.  (Or texting, e-mailing, sending smoke signals, etc).  I don't know what went wrong-when he lost interest.  Was it something I did or said?  Was it even me?  Closure would be nice.  Blowing someone off, and especially doing it by ending a message with "hopefully we can get together soon," is pretty rude.  I'm disappointed, but on a typical Wednesday morning 28 months ago, the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with went to work and came home in an urn.  While it sucks, being blown off by someone I was casually dating for a month is nothing.  And while I would love to tell New Guy the braces are coming off and talk about the one dance in class I just cannot grasp, right now James is the one I miss.  And I'm not looking forward to having to tell the people in the Meetup group who know we were dating (and think we still are) that is no longer the case, though one of them will be thrilled and will probably log on to the site to send him an e-mail from her phone before I even get the words out of my mouth. Even though I know there could be a 1,000 reasons for it, I still feel like a rejected loser.  I feel like Meredith on "Grey's Anatomy"-I want to say to him "Pick me.  Choose me.  Love ME."  (Ironically, I thought she was pretty pathetic in that scene-but that's how I feel.  Pathetic.  "What's so wrong with you that you can't attract a man?" Dad asked.  "If anything goes wrong, it's going to be your fault," both parents cautioned when I first started dating James.  Their words haunt me once again).

But there is a reason for everything and from this experience I have learned I am ready to date should the right person come along ("He's going to call," Inner Heather insists).  Even if I can't tell him, I am grateful to New Guy for showing me that.  But part of me wonders if it is better to still be wondering if I am ready or to know I am and not have any prospects?

The other thing to come out of this is the realization of how much I have changed, which I eluded to above. The biggest pro and con to New Guy is he is nothing like James.  I know it is wrong to compare but it is also hard not to.  It is a pro because I now know I couldn't date someone like James, nor do I want to.  He was one of a kind, as was our relationship, and if I met someone too much like him, I would have preset expectations for how he should be.  That wouldn't be fair to him, to James' memory or to me.  It is a con because the only relationship I have had (out of 4, including high school) that lasted for more than about a month is James.  So I really only know how to date someone like James.  James was the social one and the life of the party.  He's the one everyone knew when we went out and I was the quiet one.  I have gone to a couple of Meetup events with New Guy and I was the social one that everyone knew and he was the quiet one (he's very quiet and introspective).  It was a complete role reversal and it caught me off-guard.  Taking him out of the equation, there is a part of me that is sitting here thinking "WTF?!?!  When did I become a social butterfly?  When did I become the popular one?"  Part of me likes it, but part of me is afraid of the change and just wants old, familiar, shy, mousy Heather back.  I want to recognize who I see when I look in the mirror.  And I'm also afraid that all these new friends of mine are going to disappear too.

Of course, I hope Inner Heather is right.  I know New Guy is extremely busy with work right now (Bitter Heather:  "It takes 2 minutes to send a text message to someone to tell them you are on their mind.  Okay, it takes most people 2 minutes.  (It takes me about 5)).  It is possible he really was out of town the last two weekends and hey, maybe something happened to his phone.  Or maybe he's just an ass.  (Deep down I don't believe that).  Maybe this was just a break so I could come to terms with my new self.  Maybe he was only supposed to tell me I am ready for the next phase of my life.

Maybe I should stop trying to figure everything out (like that's going to happen) and just go with the flow.  That sounds like something James would have done-and it sounds like what New Heather was doing until a boy came along and messed it all up.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Painting Project #4: The Bathroom

I was going to stop painting after the bedroom.  But after I finished the bedroom, I decided the bathroom needed to be freshened up.  I love the blue marble-looking counter in there and I was going to just repaint the walls light blue.  That was the plan until I realized the ceiling would look dingy and decided to repaint that as well, leaving it a medium blue:


I also decided I needed a new set for the bathroom, as I have been using a hybrid of the sets James and I both brought into the relationship, meaning they are at least 10 years old.  I don't know how long he had his, but I had mine at least a couple of years before we met. 

His was the blue; mine the black.

I wanted to go with a seashell theme but Bed, Bath and Beyond discontinued the one I liked and I have not been able to find another that I like anywhere else.  I love Bed, Bath and Beyond and ultimately decided on their "Spa Leaf" collection.

Garbage can with top paint choices.  I went with "Souvenir," the middle color on the left card.

I consulted my co-worker about my color choices and she convinced me that it would look really good if I painted the walls a darker blue and the ceiling white.  The next time I let her talk me into something involving primer, she gets to come help, mainly so I have someone to keep me company while waiting for it to dry.

I got a later start on painting than I would have liked to and while I recognize this as a positive sign of moving forward, it was still bittersweet.  First, I cleaned out James' drawer, which I have actually been doing a little at a time.  Some of the things that were sitting on the counter are going to go in there and have already been put in their new home.  

The second bittersweet moment came from realizing I was going to paint over the spackle marks.  Several years ago, we stayed at a Best Western in Sacramento that had one of those shower curtain rods that bows out.  It is amazing how much more room that gives you!  We discovered you can get them at Bed, Bath and Beyond (I will seriously cry if they ever go out of business), and when we moved in we bought one.  Well, James sort of drilled the holes in the wrong spots when he was putting it up which is why there was spackle on the walls.  I smiled at the memory and fought back tears as I covered it up.

Putting the primer on the ceiling also recalled a memory:  it was only 5 short years ago we spent Memorial Day weekend painting our house in Arizona.  The house with a living room and den that we took from that obnoxious red everyone loves so much to a color that looks exactly like Parmesan cheese (and was aptly named "Parmesan") in the living room and sea foam in the den.  We had so many coats of primer and paint covering it James said we lost square footage!  It's hard to believe how different my life was then than it is now.  It feels like that was a lifetime ago and like it happened to another person-and in many ways that is because it did.

I have mentioned before I am incredibly unobservant.  Even still you would think that at some point in the last 4 1/2 years, I would have noticed the strip of wall between the vanity lights and the mirror was a different color, but no.  Not me.  I thought I never noticed it because the wood frame around the mirror was covering it (I took that off) but then I remembered the top piece came off within the first couple of weeks we were here and we never put it back up.

It's a little hard to see but right under the lights the wall is white, not blue.  It is all one color now.

 Old vs. new with the ceiling finished

The boys inspect my handiwork.  This was definitely not my neatest paint job!


With the new shower curtain in place.

Because of having to wait for the primer and then the ceiling to dry, it took FOREVER to finish and I was pretty cranky by the time I was finally done.  It looks a lot brighter in the pictures than it really is and I really do like it.  I am collecting coupons and getting the pieces for the new set as I get them.  There aren't that many pieces to it, so I should have them soon.  I also bought a cute shelf at Michael's yesterday that I am going to paint white and put up above the toilet for the things on the counter I don't use that often but don't currently have another place to live.  I'm proud of myself for taking yet another step in making the house mine as opposed to ours but I have to say, I think the painting bug may finally be out of my system.