I don't sleep well. I haven't slept well in years. In fact, I don't know when I last slept well consistently, but I think it may have been when I was still in college. I don't have a problem falling asleep-I have a problem with staying asleep. And I have very active dreams (which I don't remember now as well as I used to before James died) that leave me feeling restless and on some mornings even more tired than when I went to bed. I wish I could still remember them like before. If I am going to wake up exhausted, it would be nice to know why.
I have been remembering bits and pieces of my dreams lately, however. It's not so much the dreams themselves but the recurring themes that have been happening almost nightly for the last three weeks (so basically since NLNG blew me off, although he did call again last night. I have no clue what is up with that whole thing): I am searching for something and I don't fit in anywhere.
In my dreams, I am with others and we are on a scavenger hunt. I don't know what we are looking for-we are just trying to find "it." And then I am alone watching them go off while I stand and watch feeling like I am looking through a window at everyone else living life oblivious to my existence. The content is different-it is not the same dream every night but they start and end the same: I start off with a team and end up alone watching them from a distance (can we say "abandonment issues?"). I keep waking myself up from these dreams in the middle of the night and don't want to go back to sleep because I know the unhappiness of my dreams is waiting for me to return. (Last night's dream ended very strangely. I was driving my car (the Lancer) up a hill on a beach and saw a lady's head sticking up from the sand. It was too late to stop so I ran her over, only when I ran over her, she was lying down so I didn't hit her, just went over her. She was dazed when I stopped the car and her arm was bruised but she seemed okay. Okay enough that she was playing Frisbee and flirting heavily with Volunteer Guy (I have no idea where he came from; he wasn't in the rest of the dream) while we waited for the ambulance. I was annoyed because I wanted to leave because I was tired and wanted to go home and go to bed but couldn't leave because I had to give my statement. I ended up on the phone (which had an extremely long cord) with the ambulance dispatcher and she said it would be at least a couple more hours and then we started trash talking the girl I ran over who was one of those random dream people).
Today I decided to consult my favorite dream interpretation website for insight. Scavenger hunt specifically is not in there. (I did a super cool scavenger hunt with the fun Meetup group on 6/13 so I'm guessing that is why my search is in the form of a scavenger hunt). For hunt, it says: "to dream that you are hunting suggests that you are seeking or pursuing some inner desire, either emotional or physical. You may be "hunting" for a solution or for a sexual desire." For search, it says: "to dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlighentment, peace or even a solution to a problem."
I don't think it is going to take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. I want to love again. I want to be in love again. I want to be a part of something bigger than myself again. And while I am waiting Lord knows how long for that to happen, I want to dream about something much happier that won't be fit for print on my little PG-rated blog!