Sunday, December 26, 2010

Here we go again...

Apparently when I say I am never going to do something, I don't really mean it.  For example, up until three weeks ago, I swore I would never buy or eat Gardenburgers.  There's a package of them in my freezer, minus one.  The Gardenburger tacos did not turn out as well as I had hoped but Gardenburgers actually aren't that bad-especially with horse radish or pepperjack cheese.  I also swore I would never do acupuncture but tomorrow I am calling an acupuncturist as that might be my only hope of getting rid of this sinus infection as antibiotics don't seem to be an option now that I'm for sure allergic to one class and most likely allergic to a second class as well.  I also swore I was never going to try online dating again.  Yeah, about that...

Last Sunday I went to an event called "Suck My Flick."  This is a monthly competition in which local filmmakers submit short films and the audience votes via text message for their favorite.  The winner is announced at the end of the night.  I was intrigued so I went with one of my Meetup groups.  This is a group I had wanted to join for quite some time but didn't because NLNG seemed to do a lot with it and at the time, I didn't want the temptation to sign up for events knowing he'd be at them.  I finally joined the group a month or so ago after realizing I didn't care if I ever saw him again (though I knew I would eventually) and that temptation was no longer an issue.  So here I was enjoying "Suck My Flick" when I glance across the room and see him-looking awfully cozy with some girl.  I tried to tell myself the light was low and maybe it was just someone who looked like him in the low light.  And then he laughed and I knew for sure it was him.  And I wanted nothing more than to just throw up.  At one point, he walked right by me; if he saw me, he didn't acknowledge it.  I don't want him, and I knew I was going to run into him again some day, but I would have preferred if I had prior knowledge about it.  And if I was the one with a date.  (Yes, I realize that's shallow).

My Guy Pal and our other friend have also been dating new people and this is a rough time of year for me as it is as this is when I met James back in 1999.  I found myself wondering if I should have tried harder with NLNG (NO!!) and wondering if I am destined for a life of loneliness after all (again).  The holidays have certainly heightened that sense of being surrounded by nothing but couples.

Thursday, I only had a half day of work.  I spent part of the afternoon working on a data entry project for my favorite non-profit.  It takes forever for each record to save.  I was bored.  And lonely. And feeling dejected.  And there was no one on Facebook.  And before I knew it, I had started a profile on one of the free sites.  I've had 64 visitors to my profile so far; only one has sent me a message which simply said "nice profile."  This time I am going into this with the expectation that nothing will come of it, but I suspect it won't take too long before I get discouraged and call it quits.  Again.

I really hate being single again.  And I'm starting to worry about all those other things I swore I would never do...

Hold the Beef. And the Chicken.

December 4th was the last time I had meat.  I wasn't planning to become a vegetarian starting on the 5th; it just sort of happened.  And I have to say that 3 weeks later, I don't really miss meat all that much-but I do miss the convenience of it. 

On the surface, it would appear this is all because of a boy.  It wouldn't be the first time I did something because of a boy and it probably won't be the last.  If it wasn't for the boy next door (well, two doors down but close enough), I wouldn't be a baseball fan.  If it wasn't for James, well, there's a lot of things I could say here. 

My new friend, who I am now just going to refer to as Guy Pal, is a vegetarian by culture and I think religion.  He decided to try being a vegan for a week to impress a girl.  So I said that it would be easier for me to be vegetarian than it would for him to be a vegan.  And naturally I had to prove it.  So here it is three weeks later and he's off the vegan train (Yea! Because that was going to make going out to eat with him a royal pain) and I'm still going strong on the veggie wagon. 

That's the cute, short version.  The truth is I have said I could probably easily be a vegetarian on and off for most of my adult life.  I'm not a big meat eater as it is so I knew this is was a challenge I could easily do for a week.  I also knew I had plenty of will power.  I decided one day I drank too much pop and need to stop.  On January 4th, that day will have been 13 years ago.  So seven days is nothing. 

I have also known for quite some time that I needed to change my eating habits as I was eating a lot of fast food and processed crap and really never felt good.  It's hard to keep the mental spirits up when the body feels so run down all the time.  But I just couldn't bring myself to care.  I don't have James anymore so why bother?  Even the realization that life is good again wasn't enough to motivate me to even try to eat healthier.  But I can't turn down a good challenge (translation: I have to prove I'm right all the time) so I jumped at this one.  It was a boy that gave me the motivation but I'm not doing it for him-I'm doing it for me.  (Don't tell him that.  Part of the reason we get along so well is we both think the world revolves around us-or at least it should).

After the first week, I decided to keep going.  It takes more than a week for your system to adjust and that was a rough week for me as it was.  Prior to deciding to do this, I had gone to the doctor for a sinus infection and the antibiotic they gave me made me incredibly sick-to the point I had to stop taking it after three doses because even taking it as prescribed (after a meal and with milk), I could not keep anything down.  I sat at my desk at work crying one afternoon because I took a bite of some macaroni and cheese and almost threw it right back up.  At that point, I was starving and just wanted something to eat.  So for the first several days of that first week, my stomach wasn't really accepting food.  Now that it's been three weeks, I am noticing a difference in how I feel.  I definitely have more energy-even with being sick this entire time.  I have also noticed with all the Christmas goodies I have been eating the last couple of days I am feeling more sluggish again and had a nice Greek-ish salad (had to use black and green olives instead of Kalamata) for dinner tonight because I just wanted something healthy.  (I could go for a nice, juicy apple right about now).
I certainly am nowhere near calling myself a vegetarian and don't know that I will stick with it for the rest of my life.  But I am definitely going to give it a bit longer.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

You know what would be really awesome?  It you could deliver that hot guy I was making out with before my alarm clock so rudely interrupted us to my doorstep.  Gift wrapping optional.  It would also be great if he could tell me what in the world we were doing at summer camp as adults.

I feel I've been pretty good this year, but I have to say I would not object to being a little naughty.


Note to Self:  The Universe LOVES to mess with your head.  Next time you want a hot make out session for Christmas, specify you mean in your conscious life, not the sub-conscious one.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

There's a flashback I could have lived without

Friday night I got to do one of the many cool things Portland has to offer:  the Shanghai Tunnel tour.  Back in the late 1800's, men were shanghaied and sold to sailors.  This was done by getting them drunk and basically imprisoning them in a network of underground tunnels until they were needed by the ship captains.  Over the years, some of the network of tunnels has been restored and is now a popular tourist attraction.  And it's awesome.

After the tour, several of us in the group went to play video games.  The real arcade style ones many of us remembered from our childhood.  It's a bit hard to keep six people together in an arcade and we tended to break off into groups of two or three.  At one point, I was going to play one of the shoot 'em up games with one of the guys in the group.  We had to work our way through a group of people who were there together and not very yielding to passersby.  As a result, I got stuck standing next to some guy.  Who barked at me.  Repeatedly, and not in a nice way.  In a way that was followed by a sneer to let me know just how unattractive he found me.

In that moment, I wasn't a 36-year-old woman standing in an arcade next to a jerk.  I was an 18-year-old girl walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day in Sandpoint, having just discovered I had locked my keys in the car and I had to go find a phone to call my evil (now ex-) stepmother to come and rescue me.  I was mad, and dreading making the phone call that was only going to get me in trouble for being irresponsible and a HUGE inconvenience.  As I was fighting back the tears, a car went by, filled with teenage boys.  Who pointed and barked at me and laughed as they passed me by.

It hurts just as much now as it did then.