Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Fome the Things I Wish I Could Say File: "Dear Prospective Tenants"

Dear Prospective Tenants,

I understand the vacancy rate in this area is seriously low and therefore rents are being jacked up like crazy by landlords making it so a lot of people are searching for somewhere more affordable (or even just plain affordable) to live.  I also understand from speaking to prospective tenants that not a lot of prospective landlords respond to your response to their Craigslist ad.  Let me give you a few pointers.

First, while you need a place to live, I don't need to rent out the rooms in my house.  I am doing so because the vacancy rate is ridiculously low and renting out my spare rooms is a financially smart move, especially since I like to travel and this allows me to do more of it.  Therefore, while I can sympathize with your predicament, I don't have to respond to your email.  I'm looking at having strangers move into MY home in which I live and damn straight, I'm going to be picky about who I chose to respond to.

If your response to my ad simply asks if the room is still available, I am not going to respond to you because my ad says emails that simply ask if the room is still available are going to be treated like spam and clearly you did not read my ad.  (Exception:  You use that as an opener before going on to tell me a little about yourself because you have a sense of humor.  You will actually get bonus points for a sense of humor). 

If your response to my ad simply says you are interested in the room and demands I call you, that is not going to happen.  I will respond via email until my Spidey sense determines whether or not to proceed with you as a prospective tenant.  This also holds true for responses to my ad that tell me you will come by to see the room tomorrow at 3:00 so what's the address.  No, you won't.  You will come by and see the room at a mutually agreed upon time and that time will not be during my work hours.  If you actually want a response back from me, tell me something about yourself that gives me incentive to consider you or at least indicates you actually read the ad. 

I am renting out a room.  So no, you cannot move in with your baby daddy/mama, two kids, your cousin and your two dogs.  One room, one person, no animals.  It also raises red flags when your 30 year old child cannot look for a room on their own, unless you explain why you are helping them.

"Proof of Employment" means just that: you can prove you are employed.  I am not running a shelter or a commune.  I am looking for tenants who can pay their rent with money, not by offering me free tattoos, massages, cooking lessons, car repair or housekeeping.  And no, the room rate does not include turning my garage into your parlor/shop.  That is where my car lives.

If you are new in town and I tell you that your commute will take about an hour from my house, which I have lived in for almost 9 years, trust me on this.  Especially if you are a college student who doesn't have a car.  You will NOT be riding your bike 20 miles to school in the dead of winter.  Again, trust me on this.

The rules for my house are not unreasonable, nor do they differ from the rules I have seen stated in other ads (yes, at times I do check out the competition).  If you want to have overnight guests of the "casually dating" variety or to illegally download torrent files, get your own place.  I'm not having a parade of strange men (or women) coming and going from my house nor am I subjecting myself to losing everything to the FCC due to your illegal activity.  Sending me nasty emails about my rules still leaves you without a place to live and me in the same position I was before I read your email, which is not needing you as a tenant.  All it accomplishes is that it makes me glad I don't have to deal with you on a regular basis and in my space.

And finally, if you hate animals, why are you responding to an ad in which three of the five pictures have an absolutely adorable photobombing cocker spaniel?


Prospective Landlord