Things to Come?

For the last few months, I have felt like I am on a path of change.  I feel good things are coming but at the same time I've been wondering if I am in fact on the correct path.  I know that only time will tell what is in store for me. But after hearing about a friend's experience with a reiki master/psychic, I decided to make an appointment to see her as well.

I had Friday off to recover from LASIK so I made the appointment for that afternoon.  I was a little early for the appointment so I had time to wonder whether or not I really wanted to know what she was going to say.  Perhaps I was better off not knowing.  But on the other hand, even if it was something "bad" - meaning something I didn't want to hear, maybe it would be good to know so I could adjust my hopes accordingly.

The first thing she did was take my hands to read my energy.  She asked for guidance and than began to sing a song, which she said was my spirit song.  The song seemed sad yet somehow soothing at the same time.  It brought to mind the image of a young Native American woman sitting on a horse on a ridge overlooking a valley, perhaps in the southwest or the Old West. 

When she was finished she told me I had "beautiful energy."  She then told me she was seeing an old ox cart pulled by an Asian ox (I didn't know there was a difference, but okay).  I was a young Asian girl, approaching a village walking beside the ox down a narrow ("one-lane") road, with rice fields on the side.  She got the sense it was Vietnam, pre-war.  I wasn't poor, but rather part of the working class.  Behind the cart, which was filled with produce, was my father who walked with a slight limp.  There was a definite father/daughter bond-the young woman definitely took care of her father. 

She said that I had some deep wounds/sores in my heart-that I was carrying a lot of grief.  She said there was a hole in my heart-that part of it was blank, like a vaccuum-and that I don't love myself; that I don't feel lovable.  She said I am almost at a phase where I will be able to open up and attract a man.  She then said there is a strain with my mother.  And that I am suited for what I do for a living (accounting) because it is orderly and my life has not always been like that. 

She said that my heart doesn't want to be social, so she was surprised to find out how active my life is.  My inclination is to stay in, which is true, but at the same time I want to draw someone to me.  She then switched gears and said that she doesn't see my job changing in the respect she sees me staying in the field of accounting.

Next she pulled out her Tarot cards.  The first card she turned over was the "Burden" card.  She said I was not releasing my burdens but was carrying them around with me.  That my burdens were emotional rather than mental.  She said that it's a good thing I am a realist because anyone I bring in won't be facing the ghost of James.  That I can bring in someone new who will also be a soul mate/love of my life and that he will be in my life for a long time.

The next card was "Success."  She said I am on the top of my world and riding out my fears.  The card shows a man on a tiger; she said the tiger represents fear.  I am harnessing being able to sit on my fear and ride it to success and let go of my fear.  She said to let go of the fear and to travel the world; that she sees me going to Europe.  Incidentally, in Chinese astrology, I am a tiger.

Third was the "Stress" card.  She said I'm carrying a great deal of stress and I still feel stressful.  She said it could be the residual effects of my eye surgery or it could be that I am afraid that due to James' death, I'm going to crash, but I shouldn't worry because I have "Success" as my anchor.

After "Stress" came "Understanding."  This shows birds flying out of a cage.  She said it is time to eliminate the cage and understand why I'm free and flying.  I need to understand the cage can be either a mental or heart attitude.  I also need to understand that the cage to the door is open.  The door is always open and I'm on the brink of flying out.  Once others see me fly, they will follow and fly with me. 

Next was "Celebration."  She said this card means that I need to celebrate life with every little bit of life.  It means to be alive, don't be afraid and enjoy life to the fullest.  She said she could sense that I have been trying to live in the now and it is important to do so.  She said not to waste the now with regret and guilt but rather now is the time to move forward.

"Courage" came up next.  She said that I've been learning what courage really means.  It's about blooming when I shouldn't be and finding light when everything else is dark.

Then came the "Traveling" card.  She said this card only comes up when someone is getting ready to go on a trip.  My upcoming trip will be a time to let loose and really be me.  But, at the same time, it will still be planned and not spontaneous.  I will also have the opportunity to take an unexpected trip-either to England, Italy or Greece and I shouldn't be afraid to go on this trip. 

After this came the "Possibilities" card.  Simply stated, I need to look at things from different viewpoints and not miss out on any possibilities.  Following "Possibilities" was "Compromise."  Again, simply stated, I don't need to compromise because I can have exactly what I want. 

"Politics" is a warning card.  I need to stay away from liars.  There will be someone in my life with whom not everything is what it seems but I will catch on quickly.  The "Guilt" card came up next; I will feel guilty for not believing in the person the "Politics" card pertains to but I shouldn't as they will try to play on that guilt to get their way. 

Next up was "Innocence."  The counterpart to "Guilt."  I need to believe in the innocence of a new relationship and let love in. Then came "Postponement."  She said this means I have been postponing life and it is time to move on.  My upcoming vacation will be a great way of getting out. 

The last card was "Lovers."  She said this is about loving myself and finding a lover who loves me.  I will have vowed to love myself exclusively and will draw in someone who has done the same.  He will also come to me to love himself (although I may not have written that down correctly).  He will be the mirror to myself.  He's on the way-could be as soon as 2012 but as far out as five years from now.  The five year part was a little discouraging!

I'm not sure how I feel about this experience overall.  I really do feel change is on the way and I do feel it is positive.  I'm not patient and I do wish I had the crystal ball that shows me this all turns out okay.  I just have to have faith, which is scary.  And I need to keep just focusing on the positive and letting the rest go.  And mostly I just need to keep focusing on reminding myself I am a good person who is deserving of the best life has to offer. 

Turning Point

August 6th marked 3 1/2 years since James passed away.  I knew it was coming but it still seemed oddly abstract. How has this much time passed so quickly and at the same time feel like an entire lifetime?  I guess the good thing is time is no longer standing still and seems again to be marching forward, as it should. 

Something else seemed to happen around this time:  I just wanted to be done.  I know it doesn't work like that-I can't just say "okay, that's it," and never feel sadness or miss James again.  Those days still come though not as frequently as they once did and when they do come, they don't seem to last as long as they did. I've wanted to be done for a long time but this is different.  I don't feel that pull to look back like I once did.  In fact, I feel the opposite.  It sounds heartless but I just want James to be gone. 

I don't mean I want the memories or the love or the lessons I learned about myself from being with him and after his death to go away.  Far from it.  I want the physical reminders to be gone.  The things I kept when I first went through his things because they were important to him but that have no real meaning to me.  Like his books, which I thought I'd read some day to honor him.  The truth is I'm never going to.  I'm not a fan of fantasy and I barely make the time to read the books I do enjoy.  He is not the things that are still here.  He is the memories and the lessons and the love I still keep inside.

I posted the paperbacks that were in good shape on paperbackswap.com.  It was hard to mail the first couple but it is getting easier.  With each book I mail, I am getting a credit to use to request a book I will read.  I found I couldn't break up the hardbacks written by his favorite author and found friends to take them.  It was important to me they went to a home that would appreciate them.  That's all that has mattered when it comes to donating his things:  that they go to someone who appreciates them.

I don't really have a lot of his belongings left and I feel this step is leading me down a path to something-something I can't identify yet but that I feel is good.  But at the same time I feel like I am letting go of my security blanket and I don't know what happens when that blanket is gone.  When I'm left to truly stand on my own two feet for the first time since I was 25. 

I can do this.  More importantly, I want to do this.