Not Exactly How I Pictured Today

The day that I have been dreading for the last 8 months is here: our wedding day. Only instead of sitting at the Lake Natoma Inn in sunny Folsom, CA, I am sitting at home in foggy, cold Vancouver WA.

We didn't pick this day because of any significant meaning. We originally chose 12/31/09 because that would have been the 10th anniversary of our first date. Then, I decided if I had to wait almost 3 years to get married, I would probably go insane. I wanted 8/8/08. Eight is my favorite number, it is lucky in Chinese (granted, neither of us is Chinese, but one of my bridal peeps is so I figured that was close enough), and we would have been together for 8 years, working on the 8th month. I figured we couldn't go wrong with all that on our side. But, it was a Friday, and most of our guests would be traveling, which would mean an extra day off of work for them. So, I thought 8/9/08 would be fine too.

James wanted his brother to be in the wedding party and he was scheduled to be deployed to Iraq in July 2007. We didn't know if it was going to be 6 months or a year, but thought if it was a year, August would be cutting it close for him to be back in time. September would have been a little better, but still iffy and I really didn't like any of the dates that fell on a Saturday. Plus, I really wanted an outdoor wedding and we also had to consider how hot it is in Sacramento during the summer months. We figured October would be a good month for an outdoor wedding, weatherwise and that by picking an October date, we did all we could to accomodate James' brother's deployment. My nephew's birthday is 10/3, my niece's is 10/4, and one of my bridal peeps will be celebrating her 10th anniversary on 10/18. We figured the 25th was getting too late into the month, so by process of elimination, today was the day. However, God had other plans and 13 months after James proposed, and 8 months and 5 days ago, James died, leaving me a bride-to-be without a groom. No longer a fiancee, but not really a widow either.

I am blessed to have had 8 years with such a wonderful man, even if I didn't get my happily ever after. In my heart, I was already married to him and have been for years. I will always love him; I will always carry him in my heart. But as I hit here with tears streaming down my face watching the fog slowly lift outside I can't help but wonder what our wedding would have been like. Would he have liked my dress? The only thing he asked was that he not know what my dress looked like ahead of time-he wanted that element of surprise. Would I have been a beautiful bride? Would I have been a total uptight Bridezilla (um, probably). Would everyone have shown up? I think it would have been beautiful; even if little things went wrong, as they tend to do at weddings, I think it still would have been perfect.