I can't imagine any day being a good day for your partner to die. But with the anniversary of James' death being on 2/6, Valentine's Day just feels like an extra slap in the face. The last thing I want to see are all the hearts, flowers, balloons and boxes of chocolate I can't comfort myself with thanks to the grill.
I have been mopey and having my own pity party about today for the last week. I had love and now I don't and might never have it again. I miss having a valentine. Not because of the commercialism of it all-we didn't really do anything to celebrate this holiday. I miss the partnership-I miss my best friend.
I did fairly good today, treating it like any other Sunday. It was nice to just lounge around with the 4-legged loves of my life and catch up on my shows. Laundry is done and I even cooked myself a nice dinner (love the crock pot! I really should use it more). But around 3:30, I could feel myself slipping and feeling sorry for myself again. It just seems so hopeless that I will meet someone who won't be freaked out that my last partner died. And even if I did, I probably wouldn't realize it anyway. I keep mistaking everyday niceness for interest after all.
I decided to call my widower friend. He recently had surgery and I felt bad that I had only talked to him once to see how he was doing. Plus, although he and his wife didn't really celebrate Valentine's Day either, I figured he would be thinking about her and might be feeling down too.
An hour and a half later, we hung up. I love having a friend that understands what I am going through and that I feel I can talk to about anything. At one point, I was howling with laughter. (We can't seem to have a conversation without making each other laugh). Maybe next year I will have someone to give me heart-shaped balloons and flowers, maybe I won't. But on this Valentine's Day, talking and laughing with my dear friend was the best gift of all.