Sunday, February 28, 2010

Looking forward to what exactly?

On Friday, my co-worker made the comment that I seemed a little down. I told her I was just tired-not so much physically tired, but more like bored tired. She asked how I could be bored when I am the busiest person she knows. I told her maybe unfulfilled was a better word.

I have been thinking about this the last couple of days. I know I am not the only one to struggle with wondering what their purpose in life is. But in addition to that, I am wondering what I am looking forward to in life. I don't have kids. I don't get to see them learn new things. I don't get to look forward to watching them graduate from high school and college. I don't get to look forward to seeing them get their first jobs. I don't get to look forward to the day they tell me they are getting married or they are expecting their first child. I don't get to look forward to one day spoiling my grandkids and traveling with my husband after we are retired.

My kids are dogs. Their lives are already half over. I get to look forward to losing them long before I'm ready and having to decide when it's time to end their suffering-alone. A decision James was supposed to be here to help with. This is certainly not something I am looking forward to. The tears are falling just thinking about it.

I get to look forward to going out and doing things with the Meetup group and then coming home to an empty house that is much too big for just one person. I get to look forward to watching others around me in the group pair off. I get to look forward to crossing potential dates off the list when I find out they aren't interested. Who can blame them for not wanting to date a 36-year-old widow when there's all these perky 20- and early-30-somethings running around? At a recent event, a guy my age said he's looking for a 25-year-old and won't go over 32. Men my age aren't looking for women my age. Men my father's age are and I'm sorry, but eeww! I had a father. I don't want or need another one.

I can pick up new hobbies; I can abandon old ones. I can go out every night of the week and twice on Sundays. But it isn't enough. I just want to feel like I have something to look forward to. That there's something waiting for me other than this. I want my life to feel full again. Yes, I am having fun getting out and doing things with the group, but I need more.

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