In March of 2009, thirteen months after James died, I was asked out on a date. My response was to come thisclose to throwing up. (Not on him, thankfully). It wasn't the good "OMG! The captain of the football team just asked me to prom" type of throw up, either. It was the bad kind. I decided that I was either not ready or not interested in him, or both. Ultimately, I determined it was both. I wondered if I would ever be ready and/or meet someone with whom there was mutual interest for another 13 months, and then I met NLNG, whom I have determined really is not the one for me despite the Universe's constant signs to the contrary. I know relationships take work, but the early stages should not be as much work as this has been. He has a special place in my heart as the one who showed me I can date again and be okay with it, and I do care about him-but as a friend and a casual one at that. He doesn't make my heart sing. And now that I have felt my heart sing again, I don't want to settle for any less than that.
Since my post on September 13th, I have gone to the movies twice with the subject of that post and a couple of others. (I think I will just call him #1. The nicknames are getting too hard to track and I am running out of them. And since it could take awhile for me to meet "the one," numbers seem like a logical way to go). We have had a conversation on Facebook that lasted for an hour, and have had several e-mails and texts go back and forth, mostly to confirm plans to see the movies. I find myself looking forward to and hoping to hear from him. The thought of seeing him makes me want to throw up in the good way. I don't doubt that he at least likes me as a friend. And if that is all I get out of this, that in itself is a blessing because he seems like he would be a pretty good friend to have.
If I was reading the whole story about him written by someone else, I would think "Oh yeah, he's interested." But because this is me, and I'm a clueless pain in the ass when it comes to these things, I just can't be sure. But I do hope so and it feels good-and scary-to have this much hope. The last time I felt this sort of hope was when I met James. I don't know how to proceed though. Yes, I was excited and hopeful when I met NLNG, but I had my doubts from the beginning when I felt like he wasn't interested in getting to know me after our first date. I chalked it up to nerves, but 6 months later, that feeling hasn't really gone away. I went back and re-read my first couple of posts from after I met him and was surprised by how much doubt was in them, along with some hope.
I know I need to just take this as it comes, one day at a time. That's not easy for me because patience is not my strong suit. I just need to relax and be patient in knowing that the type of guy I am looking for is out there and I don't have to settle for something I know in my heart isn't working. My dear friend told me today that he hopes #1 is the subject of many more of my stories (okay, so I paraphrased to my liking) and that if this has an unhappy ending like the story of NLNG did, I should look at it from the standpoint of having had the stories to tell. He's right (don't let it go to your head). It does feel good to know that I can still turn a head or two. (God help us all if this goes into triple digits, however!)
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