Yesterday was Halloween. It was the second one since James passed away. I had a hard time with it last year. I handed out candy and then went to a party dressed as Ugly Betty-had to make good use of my braces!-but my heart really wasn't in it. This year, the Halloween party was early; it was on the 17th. I went back and forth about going. I enjoyed putting together my rock star costume but that was it. I really did not enjoy the party that much. My friends and I got there around 8:30; by 10:00 I was wondering why I was even there. It was something James looked forward too. It was something I did for him. I think this year's party will be my last one. Of course, I said that last year too. I am just getting too old for the inevitable drama. I want a nice, quiet, minimal drama life.
I was fine with yesterday being Halloween until Friday when I decided I did not have enough candy and set out at lunch to get some more. I picked up a few packages at the Dollar Store and then decided since I was right there, I would run into Safeway and get a bag of chips to go with my sandwich that I no longer wanted to eat. I ended up getting a couple more bags of candy while I was there. I felt sad walking back to my car. I was reliving the conversation we had every year in which James told me I had plenty of candy and his "of course you did" response when I came home from work on Halloween and told him I got more candy. I was remembering his wisely not saying a word when I still had a bunch of candy leftover after the last kid rang the doorbell.
Last night, the first kids rang the bell at 6:18. It took me about 1/2 hour to reach 50 kids and about 50 minutes to reach 100. I keep track for two reasons. First, so I have a rough idea of how many to expect the next year (seriously, the accountant in me just does not stop). Second, it is a game for me. The goal is to have more kids than the year before. Obviously, this is not something I can control. Last year, I had 260 kids. It was my best year in this house and I wondered if James had sent a few kids my way to make me happy. I knew that would be tough to beat. This year, I had 276. And I still have a bunch of leftover candy.
It was hard to not have James upstairs playing his game while I was handing out candy. There were a couple of times where I almost shouted out my "milestones" out of habit. There a couple of times when I could hear his words: "don't worry, they will come" when 6:00 came and went without a knock on the door. "You have plenty of candy," after my supply was cut in half after the 7:00 rush. "There is still plenty of time left," after the 8:00 lull when I start fretting about not beating the prior year's number. "Anything good left?" when I turn the light off at 9:00 and still have a bowl full of candy, having saved as many Almond Joys for James as I could-candy I was sure to bring home and hide when he wasn't looking so he wouldn't eat them all ahead of time.
I sent my friend text messages all night long with my "progress." I thanked her at the end of the night for putting up with them. It was easier than last year, I will admit that. But some of the joy was definitely gone. I wonder if it will ever come back?
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Blogging
Lately, I have been wondering if blogging is doing me more harm than good.
When James was alive, there were times I would get frustrated because we were so boring. While we did get out and do things with friends, for the most part, we were such homebodies. I would hear stories and see pictures of my friends' various trips and adventures and I wanted that too, but it seems something always got in the way of us doing that.
I started this blog because I wanted a place I could record my memories so when I am old I can go back and relive them. I could keep a journal, but this is much more legible. Plus if the house should ever burn down, I can log on to any computer and this journal won't be lost.
Reliving these memories has made me realize that you really don't know what you have until it is gone and our life was anything but boring. I have so many stories that make me smile. I have so many stories that remind me how much I was loved.
There is an e-mail that circulates periodically about how you spend your "dash"-the period of time between the dates on your headstone. As I was doing my volunteer project the other morning, I was thinking about whether or not I should continue blogging as the memories make me miss James, which brings me pain and the fear I will never experience that kind of happiness again, which makes me feel very much alone. And then I realized this evolving into more than just my memories as it is starting to incorporate more of my life now.
There are going to be posts of memories. There are going to be posts of my current life. Some will be funny; some will be sad; some will be filled with hope and others with fear; some will be downright boring. But that is how life is. And this is my life. This is my dash.
When James was alive, there were times I would get frustrated because we were so boring. While we did get out and do things with friends, for the most part, we were such homebodies. I would hear stories and see pictures of my friends' various trips and adventures and I wanted that too, but it seems something always got in the way of us doing that.
I started this blog because I wanted a place I could record my memories so when I am old I can go back and relive them. I could keep a journal, but this is much more legible. Plus if the house should ever burn down, I can log on to any computer and this journal won't be lost.
Reliving these memories has made me realize that you really don't know what you have until it is gone and our life was anything but boring. I have so many stories that make me smile. I have so many stories that remind me how much I was loved.
There is an e-mail that circulates periodically about how you spend your "dash"-the period of time between the dates on your headstone. As I was doing my volunteer project the other morning, I was thinking about whether or not I should continue blogging as the memories make me miss James, which brings me pain and the fear I will never experience that kind of happiness again, which makes me feel very much alone. And then I realized this evolving into more than just my memories as it is starting to incorporate more of my life now.
There are going to be posts of memories. There are going to be posts of my current life. Some will be funny; some will be sad; some will be filled with hope and others with fear; some will be downright boring. But that is how life is. And this is my life. This is my dash.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Roller Coasters
There is a theme park in Northern Idaho called Silverwood. When it was first built back in the early 1990's, there wasn't a whole lot to it, but now it is hailed as the Northwest's largest theme park (according to their website). It really is a pretty cool place now. And, it turns out that if you know the back roads, my dad's house was only a few miles away. So, one time when James and I went to visit Dad, I took him to Silverwood.
I would say one of their biggest attractions is the Tremors roller coaster. Tremors is a wooden roller coaster that you can see from the highway as you drive by the park. Of course, James wanted to ride it. I hate roller coasters and my stomach drops just watching this one from the road. I told him I didn't "do" roller coasters and he convinced me I should take one for the team. So, I reluctantly agreed, even though I really hate roller coasters, I don't think wooden ones are safe and this one starts out with a huge drop. By the end of the ride, I was hyperventilating. James promised I never had to go on another roller coaster again and went on the others by himself while I scouted out huckleberry funnel cakes. I highly recommend huckleberry funnel cakes. Actually, I highly recommend huckleberry anything.
A couple of years later, James' brother and his family came up for the 4th of July. Not knowing how else to entertain the kids, we took them to Bullwinkle's Family Fun Center. They had a roller coaster simulator. I thought "It's just a simulator. It can't be that bad." This particular simulator had an option where you could program your own ride. James decided to program our own ride. I thought that was sweet of him. Knowing how I felt about roller coasters, it was sure to be tame. I can be so naive. He programmed our ride, and we got in. The ride started and I asked more than once why I felt I was going upside down. Next thing I knew, I was upside down and screaming my head off. That was as far as we got. I am not a loud person. I often get frustrated thinking I am being ignored and more often than not, it's just that no one can hear me talking. My brother-in-law and his family heard me screaming from outside the simulator. James was impressed that I was actually capable of being loud. After that, James promised I would never have to go on another roller coaster and that he meant it this time.
He was wrong. This grieving process is the worst roller coaster ride I have ever been on. Just when I think I am back to the platform, the bottom drops out again. Granted, that doesn't happen as often now as it did in the first few months, but now it seems to come with much more force. Today was a roller coaster day. I was strangely calm one second and literally bawling my eyes out the next. It has been a long time since I have sobbed so hard I couldn't speak. For the moment, I am all cried out and back to the calm feeling that everything will be okay-someday. For now, the roller coaster is heading back to the platform and this time, I would really like to get off the ride.
I would say one of their biggest attractions is the Tremors roller coaster. Tremors is a wooden roller coaster that you can see from the highway as you drive by the park. Of course, James wanted to ride it. I hate roller coasters and my stomach drops just watching this one from the road. I told him I didn't "do" roller coasters and he convinced me I should take one for the team. So, I reluctantly agreed, even though I really hate roller coasters, I don't think wooden ones are safe and this one starts out with a huge drop. By the end of the ride, I was hyperventilating. James promised I never had to go on another roller coaster again and went on the others by himself while I scouted out huckleberry funnel cakes. I highly recommend huckleberry funnel cakes. Actually, I highly recommend huckleberry anything.
A couple of years later, James' brother and his family came up for the 4th of July. Not knowing how else to entertain the kids, we took them to Bullwinkle's Family Fun Center. They had a roller coaster simulator. I thought "It's just a simulator. It can't be that bad." This particular simulator had an option where you could program your own ride. James decided to program our own ride. I thought that was sweet of him. Knowing how I felt about roller coasters, it was sure to be tame. I can be so naive. He programmed our ride, and we got in. The ride started and I asked more than once why I felt I was going upside down. Next thing I knew, I was upside down and screaming my head off. That was as far as we got. I am not a loud person. I often get frustrated thinking I am being ignored and more often than not, it's just that no one can hear me talking. My brother-in-law and his family heard me screaming from outside the simulator. James was impressed that I was actually capable of being loud. After that, James promised I would never have to go on another roller coaster and that he meant it this time.
He was wrong. This grieving process is the worst roller coaster ride I have ever been on. Just when I think I am back to the platform, the bottom drops out again. Granted, that doesn't happen as often now as it did in the first few months, but now it seems to come with much more force. Today was a roller coaster day. I was strangely calm one second and literally bawling my eyes out the next. It has been a long time since I have sobbed so hard I couldn't speak. For the moment, I am all cried out and back to the calm feeling that everything will be okay-someday. For now, the roller coaster is heading back to the platform and this time, I would really like to get off the ride.
Monday, April 20, 2009
6-Word Poem
I have been listening to the Top 40 radio station that James used to listen to on my way home lately. I would listen to this station more often but I cannot stand one of the morning hosts. Plus, I really don't like listening to people yammer on first thing in the morning so I listen to a station with very little talking and lots of good music.
Anyway, the past couple of days, I have heard a commercial for the morning show and apparently, at some point, they had listeners call in with a 6-word poem to describe their lives. I thought about it, and if I had heard it live and called in, this would be my poem:
"Widowed too young,
what happens now?"
I wonder if I would have made it on the air with that one? But, more importantly, I do wonder what happens now? I am not good with the unknown, and I'm not really a big fan of surprises. I know that I have to keep moving forward, as hard as that can be, but it would really help if I knew what it is I am moving towards.
Anyway, the past couple of days, I have heard a commercial for the morning show and apparently, at some point, they had listeners call in with a 6-word poem to describe their lives. I thought about it, and if I had heard it live and called in, this would be my poem:
"Widowed too young,
what happens now?"
I wonder if I would have made it on the air with that one? But, more importantly, I do wonder what happens now? I am not good with the unknown, and I'm not really a big fan of surprises. I know that I have to keep moving forward, as hard as that can be, but it would really help if I knew what it is I am moving towards.
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