Okay! I'll talk! I'll tell you everything!!

Feel time slip away
Waiting in the dentist chair
Let the "fun" begin.....

Today I learned about a perfectly legal form of torture that I am sure would get even the most hardened of criminals to spill their guts. No, I was not arrested; my life is not that exciting. Today I had my records appointment for my braces.

It sounds innocent enough: "We're just going to take some pictures, x-rays and impressions." First up, Jill the Torturer, as she is now known, had me stand in front of a wall. "Okay, first we are going to do a serious picture." Naturally, I started laughing. Once the serious picture was done, it was time for the full smile. I do not smile naturally when on the spot, so she got what James always referred to as my fake, Suzie Sorority smile (yes, I am a sorority girl). Then, it was turn to the right for the last of the mug shots.

We returned to the patient room and I asked if she would be doing my fingerprints next. At least she had a sense of humor as she found that funny. Or, maybe she was laughing because she knew what was coming.

We then had to finish the pictures, which involved putting these weird plastic sort of Y-shaped thingies in my mouth and stretching it unnaturally while I bit down. Turns out I have a small mouth. That is not something I hear oh, ever, but is good to know for the next time I encounter someone who feels otherwise. So, Jill the Torturer went to find the child-size plastic thingies. Apparently, having a child sized mouth means I needed to be talked to like a child for the remainder of the appointment. First, my mouth was stretched out as far as it would go to the right. "You're doing so good," cooed Jill, "now can you just stretch it a little farther? Good girl." Jill would not have thought I was a good girl if she knew what I was thinking! Then the left side, which had to be done twice because she did not realize the memory card was full and the first picture didn't take. "You're doing so good" said Jill, as I glared at her.

After Jill the Torturer got a new camera, it was time for pictures of the top of my mouth. This involved using both the grownup and child-size plastic thingies AND shoving a mirror in my already crowded mouth. This wasn't so bad. Pulling my bottom lip down to my knees while holding my mouth open as far as it could go and holding my tongue behind the mirror shoved in my mouth pretty much made me want to confess to crimes I didn't commit just to end things. And of course, this shot had to be done THREE TIMES.

That was the end of the pictures. Next came the impressions. Okay, if they can make the flouride taste somewhat okay, you would think they could do that with the impression paste. But no. I am pretty sure the impression paste and drywall glue can be used interchangably. In fact, I am pretty sure they are actually the same thing. I have a VERY sensitive gag reflex, so as I am gagging and practically throwing up, Jill is holding the tray in the bottom of my mouth with a brute force such a petite woman should not possess. She decides I should do the top over the sink since it is "far worse" than the bottom. "Oh goody," I think. The top turned out to be a piece of cake, other than it getting stuck and not wanting to come out.

Then it was on to X-rays. I had been dreading X-rays, thinking it was going to be those horrible plastic things they cram in your mouth and make you bite down on while they go out in the hall and take pictures and exchange recipes with the other hygenists. This was actually the X-ray where you stand in the Star Trek machine while it scans your head. Big sigh of relief as there is nothing painful about that.

Last but not least was the biting of the wax. I'm not sure what this was for, but it was quick and painless so I didn't ask. It was probably to make sure my mouth was still working properly.

Jill then took me to see Cheryl. I like Cheryl. She is one of those nice, bubbly people you just want to be friends with. Cheryl, who thinks I am going to look cute with braces, asked if I was excited. I told her I was a lot more excited until Jill the Torturer (yes, I did say that) got a hold of me. I then signed my life away and made my next appointment.

Next up: the consultation and the "seps"on the 28th. That's separators for those not up with orthodontic lingo. I have heard this is the worst part. Goody. But I get to eat soft things like Twinkies and mashed potatoes afterwards to make up for it. I also have to have the "syphs" done since the "syph" machine wasn't working. I know this has something to do with X-rays, but that does not get the image of George O'Malley tackling Alex Karev in the locker room of Seattle Grace saying "YOU gave me syph?!?! " out of my head.

Ah yes, the fun has begun....