This has been an incredibly sucktastic (as James would say) month and I am not the least bit sorry to see it go, other than the nice weather, it being light out until bedtime, and not having to dodge school children on my way to work in the morning.
I hit the 18 month mark of James' passing on the 6th and I have done a lot of grieving since then. This is the first month since he died I have not been constantly on the go and I do believe that because I have been keeping myself so busy for the last year and a half, I have shoved down some of my grieving instead of dealing with it head on and now I am doing just that. While it is difficult, I know it is something I need to work through now so it doesn't come back to bite me in the rear later.
On top of that, I had the incident with the doctor's visits and the late Friday afternoon call I had to wait all weekend to return. That turned out well, but it was still nerve-wracking to wait it out. I am having a hard time knowing that I have something inside of me (fibroid) that is most likely growing and could lead to problems down the road.
My friend discovered a lump in her neck about this time and the doctor found masses in two lymph nodes. Fortunately, the biopsy turned out to be benign and I felt like I lost 20 pounds when she told me. Another good friend had a biopsy done and was diagnosed as being in the very, very early stages of skin cancer. Luckily, she went in when she did as it was caught so early it is not even rated as stage 1.
In between all this, I had two incidents with Charlie. The first was when he threw up 3 times one night between 11:00 and 1:15 am. He seemed fine when I got up so I went to work, only to come home and find he had thrown up 9 times while I was at work. Since we already had an appointment for his and Sammy's ear infections, I discussed this with the vet as well. Blood tests came back normal, but he could not keep anything down for almost 2 days and had to go on a special diet for 2 weeks, and take antibiotics and anti-nausea medication. He got over that and we found ourselves back at the vet's office last Tuesday at 10:00 pm because his heart was racing and he seemed to be having a hard time breathing. He was diagnosed with having an abnormal arrhythmia, meaning there is no rhyme or reason to it and nothing that can be done for him other than monitoring it. But I had to face a very hard reality that I have been trying so hard to deny: my little guys are not puppies anymore.
Then there was dealing with the whole dying/dead possum in the front yard. That was more of an inconvenience than anything.
Today, I sat here crying because I want to return my friend's tent in the same condition I borrowed it in, which meant setting it up in the yard so I could clean it up. I couldn't do it-it's too big for me to do alone and I finally had to go ask the neighbor to come help me. I hate feeling that helpless, especially over something so stupid.
Other than the tent, I have dealt with all of these things alone. There is no one here to comfort me, to give me a hug, or to reassure me everything will be okay. There is no one here to discuss the "what ifs"-there is no one here to help me formulate a game plan. My family does not live here; nor do my in-laws. It is just me. My friends are wonderful, but they have their own lives and issues and I feel I can't burden them with my every little issue-that is what my partner was for and now that he is gone, I feel I should deal with everything alone. Because that is what I am now-alone and that is what I need to get used to. I need to get used to dealing with everything on my own and doing it in a way that it doesn't overwhelm me because the bottom line is this month has me feeling so overwhelmed, I can barely see straight.
So, I am not sorry to see this month go and I vow that next month will be better.