Sunday, October 11, 2009

The last of the firsts

It seems odd to have a last significant day almost two years into this, but here it is. I have been dreading this day for several months now. Today would have been our first wedding anniversary. I have been trying not to think about it and instead stay focused on the good feelings from the other day. But now that it is here, I can't help but feeling sad, hurt, angry, and jealous.

I am sad, hurt and angry that he had to die. Very angry that he died. I am jealous of all the couples that got to have their weddings, whether it was a fancy celebration or a quick trip to the courthouse. I am jealous of little old couples who have been together for 50 years. I am jealous of the couples my age who take each other for granted and who are so damn oblivious that it only takes an instant for everything to change. I am jealous of the life I will never have. Because no matter how much I hope for it, James is never going to miraculously walk through the door like none of this ever happened.

I am trying not to torture myself with the thoughts of "if only" but I can't help it. Tomorrow is Columbus Day so James would have had it off. Would I have taken the day off too so we could go out of town for a long weekend? Or just stay home for a long weekend? Would our cake baker actually send us a fresh cake top as advertised? Would we go to our favorite restaurant or would we have still had Sunday Surprise and movie night? What would I have gotten him for a gift? What would he have gotten me?

I know there is no point to this, but I don't think ignoring these feelings would be a good idea either. It's all part of the process; just another hurdle I have to jump over. I was never good at hurdles.

Today instead of celebrating my anniversary, I am going to paint a stupid cardboard prop for my Halloween costume and go take pictures at some stupid garden in Portland. I probably won't go swing dancing because I woke up with a slight cold in addition to my stupid allergies and I want to nip that in the bud before it gets worse. I'll just be glad when today is over. There will still be little firsts that pop up, but at least all the important days will have finally passed me by.


Shannon said...

There is nothing wrong with "celebrating" a date that would have been an anniversary. I still do it with people I have lost. I know how you feel about people taking loved one's for granted. I thank God every day for my husband and my kids, my parents and their health. When I lost my sister, I begged God to never take another family memeber. I swore I couldn't handle it. It is still so hard trying to get over the fact that my sister is no longer with us. Hang in there! I am always here if you need me.

Rick said...

Hope you start feeling better.

These days are difficult. Keep moving forward and remember James still loves you VERY much!!!