This has been a big couple of days for me in terms of moving forward. Monday morning, I had to stop and get gas on the way to work. I got back in the car and thought about how cold it was and how long my car takes to heat up.
"The BMW has heated seats." Inner Heather reminded me. Inner Heather doesn't like the cold either.
I looked up the number to the BMW dealership last week but managed to not get around to calling them to find out what it is going to take to get James' car running again after it has been just sitting in the garage for over a year now. It is being towed to the dealership Sunday and hopefully, will be up and running again by the end of the day Monday. My boss has said he will take me over there when it is finished so I can drive it home. I should probably put the tags on it. I have valid ones; the ones currently on there expired in June of last year. And at some point, I should probably start thinking of it as my car since it is now in my name and has been since January. I wonder if I will ever start to think of his things as mine?
Today, I had an even bigger moment, at least emotionally. One of the things I have wondered for the last 20 months is what was I supposed to do with 100 save the date cards? Not long before James died, we received the save the date cards for our wedding. James had seen my hastily thrown together mock-up of how I wanted them to look and was very skeptical of how the finished product was going to look. He was so impressed when he saw the finished product. We did not have them made by a professional. My best friend made them for us. 100 hand-stamped 3-layer cards. And for almost 2 years, they have been just sitting on my filing cabinet. James died on a Wednesday; I had planned to mail them out that weekend.
Today was trash day and my recycling cart was full enough to justify wheeling it out to the curb. This morning before I left the house, I set aside several of the cards for safe keeping. On my way out this morning, I put the rest of the cards in the recycling bin. And then I quickly got in my car and drove off before I could change my mind. I resisted the urge to turn around and pull them back out. I forced myself to just keep going.
And now they are gone, with the exception of the few I kept. My simple yet absolutely perfect save the date cards. My best friend's loving handiwork literally tossed out like yesterday's trash. I think that has been my hesitation. It's not from hanging on to the hope that I would still get to use them but that no one will get to see her labor of love. (I am not going to scan and post them due to the personal information they contain).
I do feel it was a big step though. It was a huge acknowledgment to myself that he really isn't going to come home. I wonder if that will ever cease to amaze me?