Sunday, August 15, 2010

They were right.

After I sent the last text to NLNG asking him to see a movie with me, which went ignored, everyone told me he'd be back.  I wasn't completely convinced this time.  I was wrong.

I am lucky in that I work for a pretty laid back company and I do send texts back and forth to friends while at work-not every day and some days more than others.  Friday was one of the days in which I had conversations going with a couple of friends.  So when I was running errands at lunch and my phone beeped, I thought it was one of them.  Nope.  It was from him:  "Did you see inception?  I've been having problems with my phone.  :("

For an entire month?  The last time he contacted me was on July 18th when he came over and when he hugged me good-bye for a very long time and said he'd talk to me soon.    Even if this is true, in this day and age there are so many other ways he could have gotten a hold of me.  He knows the name of the company I work for.  He could have called me there using a pay phone.  We belong to the same Meetup group; he could have sent me an e-mail through there or posted a greeting to my profile.  He hasn't done anything with the group we belong to lately but he has been doing things with other groups he belongs to so clearly he has had access to the Internet.  It isn't that he's been having problems with his phone-it's that he hasn't wanted to have anything to do with me.

He doesn't deserve an answer to his text.  At least not any time soon.  He'll figure out I haven't seen the movie when it comes to the $3 theater by my house and I post it as a Meetup event and he gets the e-mail announcing it.  (Unless he leaves the group, I can't prevent him from getting that).  He doesn't deserve an answer and more importantly, I don't deserve to be treated like a yo-yo.  (Although, I could text him back "I'm not a yo-yo.  If that's what you are looking for, I believe there's a Toys R Us at Lloyd Center.")

His text did not make me happy.  In fact, it pissed me off so badly I spent about a 1/2 hour in my co-worker's office fuming about it.  I was spitting mad-not the sign of a girl who's wanting to see someone again.  It happened when I thought it would-after I got back to a place of being okay.  After I felt I got some mojo back (thanks to a nice conversation with an incredibly HOT guy who unfortunately has the exact back story as NLNG.  Seriously?).  He's not waiting for me to respond because he wants to hear from me.  He's waiting to hear from me to make sure I'm still reeled in.  Well, he can bite me.  As I told my therapist, unless he's been in a coma or abducted by aliens (and can prove it) for the last month, there is no need for a round 3.  Clearly, he's been neither.

But, and there's always a but.  There's a part of me that still wonders "what if?"  What if the 3rd time is a charm and I'm blowing it by not responding?  What if there is a reason he pops up every single time I pray for a sign I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life, as I did once again Friday morning?  What if he is the one I'm supposed to be with?  I can't say that makes me happy-unless I imagine the life I want to have, which so far he has not shown me any glimpses of having.  I almost deleted his messages.  The only reason I didn't is because I was so angry and as I'm still struggling with what I believe in, I didn't want to put out large amounts of the wrong kind of energy-just in case. 

I told my mom this morning I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't make me happy.  But at the same time, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  She told me I was still sort of young (I'm 36) and that I probably wouldn't be (emphasis on "probably").  She used her hesitant "I'm saying what you want to hear" voice.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  After all, this is the woman who didn't name me Heather Amy or Heather Alice like she wanted because she "didn't want me to be a HAG my entire life" and who gave me a small diamond ring for my 21st birthday because "every woman should have one at least once in her lifetime" and who told me not to screw it up when James and I first started dating because if it didn't work out it would be my fault.  It pretty much blows when the person who is supposed to be your biggest supporter is the one who has the least amount of faith in you and has been that way since you were born.

Last week, I went to a dinner with one of my new groups (which is where the conversation with Latest Cute Guy (I am seriously running out of nicknames) took place).  There was a guy there who I know from the fun Meetup group.  It turns out he and LCG know each other from some other Meetup group.  The three of us and the other two girls at our table started talking about books.  The guy I already knew left before I could tell him I have a book he might like, so I went to our group page, pulled up his profile and e-mailed him about it the next morning.  (Not exactly rocket science.  In fact, it was pretty frickin' easy).  He responded Friday he would like to read it.  I keep making myself re-read his message.  Not because I am trying to analyze it for hidden meaning-I'm taking it at face value:  we both like to read and may have books to swap.  I'm making myself re-read it to remind myself I have met decent guys since James died; there may not be an interest there but they do exist.  Maybe the next time I meet a decent guy, there will be interest and it will be mutual.  It only takes one.

I deleted the messages.  A part of me is afraid I have sent some sort of irreversible message to the Universe that will result in me growing up to be the crazy dog lady at the end of the street (Why not?  I'm already the freak widow at the end of the street).  Part of me feels empowered though-like I've sent a message that says "Next please.  I deserve SO much better than this.  Why don't you bring that on?" 

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