Thursday, August 19, 2010

Trying to stay strong

After much debate, I decided to take a couple days off work to enjoy the last days of summer which really just finally got around to starting.  So naturally, most of today was drizzling and instead of lounging in the sun reading a book in shorts and a t-shirt (and sunscreen, of course!), I was bundled up at Family Day at my godson's Rodeo Bible Camp in jeans and a sweatshirt.  And yet it was almost 100 degrees on Monday.  Gotta love the weather in the NW!

Part of my reason for taking today and tomorrow off was to recharge my batteries.  I've been pretty busy again lately and no matter what I do, I can't seem to catch up on all the sleep I missed during the whole broken A/C-sleeping in a strange place-sick dog ordeal of last month.  So my energy level is pretty non-existence and my overall mood is pretty low. 

I just feel so hopeless and ugly.  I have never felt so alone in my life and the more alone I feel, the more part of me wants to embrace it and just shut out everyone and everything.  I am back to the point of just wanting to bury my nose in book after book.  I just want to escape-at least my preferred choice for doing so is healthier than some other options would be.

I hit a low last night when I found out someone I know is interested in me has a new girlfriend.  I am in no way interested in this person-I cringe when he hugs me and the more I find out about him the more disgusted I become.  Yet he found someone.  It seems everyone can-except me.  We were at a baseball game last night with mutual friends who joke their role is to couple up all their single friends.  This guy is the third one since they moved here in January that has hung out with them for a couple of months and then presto! he's in a relationship.  I asked if they just liked me better than the rest and are in no hurry to get rid of me, or if I'm just defective and unfortunately for them, they are just stuck with me.

I had my eye on a cowboy today at the rodeo but he was one of the coaches helping the kids mount their bulls and horses so I only got to admire from afar.  But as I was walking home (the Saddle Club is right down the street) I realized it didn't really matter because there were only three categories he could possibly fall into anyway:  married, douchebag or (and most likely) not the least bit interested.  I had to fight the overwhelming urge to cry.

Which led to spending all afternoon and evening fighting a very strong urge to respond to NLNG's text.  Yes, I deleted it.  Yes, I deleted his number-which really did no good since I have it memorized; it's a pretty easy number and has the same last 4 digits as another of my friends, with the first two switched.  I'm a numbers person.  I notice these things.  I wanted to respond yesterday too, but the urge wasn't so strong.  I want to respond for the wrong reason:  I'm lonely, I hate it and he's the only person I've met since James died who has really piqued my interest (well, Latest Cute Guy can come to Heather, but after two conversations, I'm pretty sure when he sees me, he sees dollar signs-he's a shrink, after all.  Oh, and there's the part where he's frickin' gorgeous and I'm pretty average looking). 

I've resisted the urge so far, thanks in large part to MaryJanice Davidson's Betsy the Vampire Queen.  What's not to love about a super sarcastic reluctant vampire with a shoe fetish?  But I still have tomorrow and the weekend to get through.  And while I have things planned for the weekend, the only things I have going on tomorrow are a doctor appointment, which is not until 2:00 and "Flicks on the Bricks" which isn't until dusk.  It has the potential to be a long, lonely day.

I know it is most likely in my best interest to stay strong.  I know it is better to be alone than constantly guessing and with someone who makes me doubt my worthiness, who makes me feel small and who I'm convinced doesn't really like my dogs.  I know it is better to let him become someone else's problem to deal with.  Round 3 would most likely end up like rounds 1 & 2.  I don't want to end up right back here.  What I want is to not feel like I am so damn defective.

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