Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Saga Continues

I had a very interesting chain of events happen towards the end of June which made my head spin.  (Detailed here).  I ended up calling NLNG back that night and left a message.  He called the next day but I was out and about having food and drinks following a volunteer project at the food bank so we didn't talk long.  (It's amazing how hungry you get volunteering there!)  The conversation ended with me saying I'd talk to him in a day or two.  I figured if he didn't call Wednesday, I'd call Thursday.  Well, he didn't call Wednesday and that night was when I had the whole rib-pulling pukefest action going on so when I would have called him on Thursday I was still contemplating welcoming death.  Not really the best time to call.

So I sent him a text message on Friday morning that I was sorry I hadn't called him back but was really sick.  I heard nothing back and about 6:00 was having this huge internal rant about what a jerk he was because even if you only like someone a little the least you could do is send a return "hope you feel better" text and how I was totally through with him and how I deserve better, blah blah blah.  So naturally right in the middle of my internal rant, he called.  (Another "seriously, Universe?" moment).  I ended up inviting him over for a movie.  (I'd blame the fever but I didn't have one).  So he came over armed with Gatorade and a movie from his collection.  We chatted afterward and he thanked me for inviting him over and said he had fun.  I said I did too (I didn't throw up so that in itself made the evening a success in my eyes).  I asked if I was going to see him again.  He said yes.  I asked if it was going to be in more than a month or less than a month.  (I probably could have been a little less sarcastic when I asked).  He said less than.  I decided not to hold my breath.  He left shortly after that-kind of abruptly I thought but I was sick so I didn't really dwell on it.

At the urging of my friend, I sent him a Happy 4th of July text on Sunday.  He called a little while after that.  I thought about inviting him to come watch fireworks with me, but in the end chickened out.  I didn't hear from him again until Wednesday when he called while I was in the middle of hosting bunco to see if I wanted to do something over the weekend-having forgotten I was planning to be out of town.  So, I called him back and said I would have liked to but I would be gone.  We agreed if I got back early enough on Sunday we'd get together to watch "The Hangover."

This was during the time the compressor was blown on my A/C and my house was oh so pleasant.  On Thursday, I decided it was too hot to stay home and since I was taking Friday off, I didn't have to worry about my normal bedtime and could go to a movie.  I sent him a text message with the details and asked if he was interested since he doesn't have A/C.  He said he'd come if he could get off work in time.  I decided to set it up as a last minute event for the fun Meetup group as well.  He did make it to the movie but was late and didn't end up sitting with us.  After the movie, we were talking about it and the other two that came to see it left so we chatted some more about it and then he just said "it was nice seeing you again" and started to walk off.  I stood there waiting for my head to unspin.

I ended up catching him in the parking lot and asked if he wanted to go get something to eat.  We did and had a great time.  When we walked back to our cars, I finally grew a pair and asked if something had changed that made it so he didn't want to see me anymore.  He said no, that he wanted and thought he was ready for a serious committed relationship but wasn't in that place.  I said that was fair, gave him a hug and said to give me a call sometime.  He gave me a kiss and said he would and to have a great weekend away.

When I got back on Sunday, I could have called him to see if he wanted to come watch the movie, but it was still too hot in my house for my liking so I decided to go to book club instead.  I figured it would be cooler there and there would be food-another thing my house was lacking.  After book club, I was waiting at the vet's office to pick up the boys and was toying with texting him when he texted me asking how my weekend was.  I responded it was good and asked about his.  He called about 5 minutes later and we chatted for a bit-the vet's office is incredibly slow and they were unusually busy so I had time (it's a 24/7 emergency clinic).  Again the call ended with us agreeing to talk again in a couple of days.

I heard from him again on Wednesday (14th for those keeping score).  He sent me a text asking if I was on the walk and if I was did I want to come over since his new apartment would be on my way home.  I responded with "What walk? I am at home."  I didn't hear back right away so I wondered if he had meant to send that to someone else.  Nope, he meant me and had his days confused-the walk in question was the next day.  I said I would be on the walk if it was less than 80 degrees when I had to leave my house for it and thanked him for the invitation saying I would have taken him up on it if I had been on a walk.  He said he would take a rain check.  An hour after that, he sent another text asking if I wanted to come over after the walk if I went on it or before if I didn't.  It was after 10:00 at this point and I was in bed so I didn't respond until the next morning, and responded that was fine and I would know more when I got off work.

After work, it was over 80 and I just don't do well in the heat.  So I sent him a text I wasn't going on the walk and my A/C was fixed.  We agreed he would come over since it was cooler at my house to watch "The Hangover."  We had a good time-I was paying the price the next day for staying up too late on a school night!

I was pretty booked up with things that weekend-I had RSVP'd for a ton of Meetup things after he blew me off but Charlie's surgery changed that up a bit and he ended up coming over on Sunday for pizza and a movie.  This was the 18th.  When he left he said he'd talk to me soon.  I haven't heard from him since-including no response to the text I sent him last Thursday to see if he wanted to see "Inception" over the weekend or come over for a home cooked meal and a movie.  Saturday, I deleted him from my contacts.  I have his text messages still so I can relate this to my therapist on Monday to get her take on it-they will be deleted after that.  My friends think I will hear from him again but I'm not so sure this time.  James' best friend thinks I may have been giving him mixed signals and he's confused and gave up because that was the easier route to take.  I think he may have met someone else.  If I'm smart, if he does come back around, I won't let there be another round.

I'm disappointed and I fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life-nothing new there.  Mostly I hate how this has shaken what little faith in myself I had built back up.  I hate how I am doubting myself and wonder if I did send mixed signals (which if I did I am truly sorry for) or if this was just bad timing or if he was never really interested in all.  I just know it shouldn't be this hard and if it was right it wouldn't be.  I keep wondering what he is doing and keep telling myself I shouldn't since he's clearly not thinking about me.  I keep telling myself if this is what he's like in the "honeymoon phase" what's it going to be like when that period ends and do I really want to stick around to find out?  I just wish I felt like I had other options.

Actually, I do.  It has been confirmed now by more than one source there is another guy in the group that has a crush on me.  I am not attracted to him, however and I lost respect for him when I found out he does not respect the partnership of two good friends of mine.  (How ironic-the ball game just ended and the song DirecTV is playing is Michael Buble's "I Just Haven't Met You Yet").  Actually, he told them he was thinking about asking me out but didn't think I would say yes.  He was told to go with that and that I was already spoken for.  (This must have been during the last "game on" phase).  There's another guy I am friendly with but lately he seems to be getting a little more friendly than I am completely comfortable with-not in a physical way but with the things he says.  Again, he's a nice guy but I'm not romantically attracted to him and he's almost old enough to be my dad (well, technically he could be if he started really young).  After losing one that was almost 8 years older, I'm more than a bit hesitant to double that.  They both have said I'm really cool-as have several others in the group, both male and female.  So why is it the only person who can't seem to see that is the one I most want to?

I'm taking steps to try to get my mojo back.  I keep getting told I need to just focus on having fun and getting out there.  Well, that was what I was doing-and was doing a damn good job of it-until a stupid boy had to come and screw it all up.  (The beer he left in my fridge is so totally going to book club on Sunday).  I am working my way back to that place.  I dropped a Meetup group I wasn't doing anything with and was about to get kicked out of anyway for not paying my dues.  (Why pay dues when I can do the same things with other groups with better attended events for free?)  I added some new ones:  one specifically geared for people in their 30's, one for single dog lovers, one for photography and one for survivors of online dating (because that's just funny).  I don't expect to meet anyone in these groups-like most groups, the events are sparse and are attended mostly by women and men old enough to be my dad (except the 30's group, of course).  I also feel like I am now looking and I firmly believe you don't find someone when you are looking.  So what I really need to get out of these new groups is back to the place where my only concern is having fun.  I was there once-I can get there again.  I hope.


Bub said...

Heather, I'm going to chuck my twopennyworth in here.

You need to forget NLNG - he's messing with your head big time. You're at risk of becoming the woman he texts/calls when he's at a loose end, which then gives you false hope.

This is doing absolutely nothing for your own sense of self-worth. The people telling you to get out there and have fun are right. Don't look for friendship/love - it will find you when the time is right.

You wrote of your fear of being alone for the rest of your life. In my opinion, this will be apparent in your dealings with men - you may as well have a neon sign above your head! This in turn will act as a repellant - the last thing you want.

You have to get your mindset round to thinking 'if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't I'm going to damn well enjoy myself anyway'.

It's all about building your own self-confidence enough to be yourself, to like yourself for who you are. Once you have that, you'll be flying! (And yes, I know it's easier said than done, but it can be done and I also think increasing self-confidence is something that comes with age.)

Yes, it would be nice to know there is someone out there, but we can never know that. As I said earlier, when the time is right, it'll happen.

Get out there, have fun, stop looking.

Good luck!

Heather said...

Bub-Thank you for your 2 cents worth. :) I have to admit as I was writing that all out I found myself wondering why on earth this was still going on!