Thursday, October 14, 2010


A widower I know of recently received a beautiful tribute to his late wife that ended with the author stating he was lucky.  This choice of words took him back a bit and led him to wonder if those of us who have lost our loves so young really are lucky.  Here is how I responded:

"Do I think I was lucky to have had James in my life for 8 years? Yes. I thank God everyday for blessing me with him-right before I inform Him it wasn't nearly long enough. Do I feel lucky now? No, I'm pretty pissed off about it, actually (Monday should have been our anniversary and I am NOT handling it well). I actually have a weird sense of entitlement to a having another love in my life someday. Because the first one was so rudely taken from me, I feel I deserve to be given a second chance."

I do believe that I was lucky and blessed to have had James in my life, even if it wasn't nearly long enough.  At the time of his death, we had been together for half my adult life and almost a quarter of my entire life so he definitely helped me become the person I am today.  

Things could definitely have been a lot worse for me when he died.  As his rightful heir, I could have lost my house and everything in it to his mother.  But she respected his wishes that I was in charge and signed my own possessions over to me.  

I could have lost the house when I lost his income and then took a 20% pay cut on top of it.  But we were fortunate that we had been able to get out of debt (for the most part) and put a hefty down payment on this house.  Money is tight, but I am making it.  Thanks to his life insurance through his work, I was able to keep my promise of helping his mom by buying the house she lives in-which will one day provide me with retirement income.

I could have had my friends and family not want to deal with their own mortality and abandon me.  Or, I could be someone who is a loner by nature and has no family.  But I'm not.  I have a great support system-the best I could ask for, in fact.  From this, an acquaintance has become such a close friend, I go through withdrawals if more than a couple of days pass without us touching base with each other.  Because of my involvement with various Meetup groups, I have made some awesome new friends I never would have met otherwise. 

I could be homeless, unemployed and alone.  But I am none of those things.  I am lucky.  I realize this everyday though I don't always show it.  I am lucky, but I am far from happy.  I don't take my blessings for granted as I once did but I do strive to find happiness again.

In my post yesterday, I made a comment that made two of the most wonderful, supportive friends I could ever have feel bad.  This has torn at my heart all day and I am truly sorry to have done that.

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