Wednesday, October 13, 2010

So much to say

I feel like I have so much to say and don't know where to begin.  I have been in a weird place ever since getting back from the reunion, and perhaps even before.  I have slowed way down on Meetup activities and am spending a fraction of the time on that site looking for things to do that I used to.  I have mainly been focusing on volunteering and have been seeing a lot of movies lately, so I am still really busy; it's just different.

I have been having bad dreams again that I am only remembered bits and pieces of.  Dad has been pretty prominent in them, which is unusual.  This morning's was pretty bad.  I dreamt some unknown people were trying to track me down to take my engagement ring and camera-the two things that make me feel most connected to James.  Dad was "helping" me to hide from them; in truth, he was trying to bribe me to give up the camera and ring so he could turn them over.  I woke up telling myself over and over "it's just a dream, it's just a dream."  I would love a dream analysis on this one and I'm guessing it has something to do with me choosing to numb out what would have been our second wedding anniversary (10/11) than deal with the emotions-mostly anger-I was feeling that day.  It made me sad that no one remembered or asked if I was okay but I guess that's life.  I hope down the road, I will remember to be sensitive to the dates that matter to my friends. 

I had scheduled an appointment with the therapist for Monday in case it was a bad day for me.  It was not one of my better appointments and I left there feeling very bad about myself.  In hindsight, she could have gotten her point across much better if she had just chosen her words differently, but at the same time, the words she chose hurt because deep down, I know she is right.  She pointed out all the flaws in my self-esteem, which made me feel ashamed to have such low self-esteem but at the same time filled me with more self-loathing for being such a pathetic creature.  She followed this up by saying that I am not going to be alone for the rest of my life but because I am "so unique" and "not a Barbie" it is going to take a long time for me to find someone to appreciate me.  That took me right back to the days of "well...she's got a great personality..."   She told me when it comes to dating, I need to leave hope out of it and mentally prepare myself for disappointment-that it's too dangerous for me to have hope and that I don't know what I want in a partner-that I am not strong enough to know that yet.  But at the same time she was telling me I have to stop thinking of myself as rejectable and keep re-enforcing to myself what a great catch I am going to be for someone.  I came home and called one of my closest friends in tears.  It is so hard to hear all these things that deep down I know are true and as a result, I no longer even want to try.  I just want to retreat into myself, into my little world and shut everyone out.  Pretty sure this is not the intended result of the session.

It doesn't help that I have not been sleeping well again.  Sunday night I tripped over a box and went to bed with rug burn pain.  I woke up in the middle of the night with throbbing pain in what I thought to be 3 of my toes; it turned out to only be one very badly bruised toe.  But I couldn't get comfortable.  The last two nights it has been the dreams.  I am hoping for a restful night tonight.  I need it.

It's amazing how one moment can erase a lot of good moments.  I was having a lot of good moments until I saw the therapist and left her office feeling so completely torn down.  I have some things planned for this weekend that I am looking forward to, so hopefully, that (and sleep!) will be what it takes for me to get my groove back.

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