While I blogged almost every detail of NLNG, there was a part of me that felt guilty for doing so, especially since parts of it weren't very nice. (I haven't heard from him in just over a month now). So I haven't wanted to do that with the guy I dubbed as #1. It scares me how much I have in common with him and I have been enjoying getting to know him, but he has made it crystal clear he's only interested in me as a friend. I believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I know I met my widower friend so I could see I was still capable of feeling. I met NLNG so I could see that I could date again and be okay with it. I don't yet know why I met #1, but it took time to understand why I met the others so I suspect this will just take time to understand too. I have realized though that more than anything, I want to fall in love again-and nothing scares me more than the thought of falling in love again.
I am still having nightmares which usually means something is nagging at me that I am not grasping. I have been thinking lately that maybe it is time to take James' picture off the mantle, but I don't know where I would put it or why I am thinking that way. I have also been thinking about my life now compared to what it was with him. And I am coming to realize that if he walked through the door right now, I don't know if he would fit in my new life. I would be so happy to see him, but with everything I have experienced and with all the new friends I have made I don't know that I would be content to lead the quiet, homebody life we had; one that I was very happy with-for the most part. I did get a little restless at times. It makes me sad to think in those terms but I also recognize it as a sign of growth-that I am making this work and I am coming out on the other side. But a life without James is still so unimaginable at times. On the other hand, I have been doing this for almost 3 years now and I am ready for this dark chapter to be over and a new lighter one to begin. I think it's time and I think I deserve some happiness to come my way even if I fear it.
Two of my widowed friends have said some things that have stuck with me lately. One's husband also died in February 2008 and she said she feels like all these good things are coming together for her. But they are only happening because he died. She said she had great things because of and with him, but that life is over and she's trying to embrace and accept these good things are a part of her new life. I asked if she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. She did not hesitate before saying yes. The other friend said that the way he sees it is that with the relationships we had with our late partners we came in 1st place. We already won. It doesn't mean we can't have other good relationships but we should be happy in knowing we already won. He also said that as he's starting to date, he's finding he doesn't want anything serious, but wants to be in a serious relationship. I get that. He also brought up something I said-it always scares me when he starts by saying he liked something I said as I never know which of my pearls of wisdom he is going to follow that with. This was my saying that I want my next relationship to end the same way the last one did. He left out the part about me wanting it to last much longer and me being of the opinion that there is only one way for a successful relationship to end.
I have been in a funk lately. Sammy turned 8 on 10/15; Charlie turns 8 on 10/30. I am not handling that well. I keep thinking it is going to be way too soon before they are gone and what am I going to do then? I need them. They are what keep me going. When they are gone, my whole family will be gone. Then what? (Hopefully, I won't still be alone 4-6 years from now but it could happen). I feel like so many good things are happening to other people but no matter how much of a happy face I put on, no matter how positive I try to be, it's for nothing. I just get slapped with one disappointment after another and it's exhausting. I don't even want to try anymore if it is going to keep being for nothing. I'm running out of steam and can't keep trying without feeling like I am getting anywhere because right now I don't feel like that is the case even if logically I know it is. I really need something positive to happen for me-and soon.
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