I met James at work in December 1999. We were working for the Caterpillar dealership in Portland. I was doing double duty as a staff accountant and the payroll clerk and he was a parts writer, meaning he sold parts over the counter. He was working for one of our divisions that was down the street from our main building and the decision had been made to sell that division.
The employment status of those employees was up in the air and James wanted to get on with our credit union while he still had a job, thinking he wouldn't have one for much longer. This is how we started talking. As the payroll clerk, I was the company liaison to the credit union and handled the paperwork on our end. We were able to do all the paperwork through inter-company mail, so I didn't meet James face-to-face through all of this but I did fall in love with his voice. I asked the other staff accountant if he knew James and he said no. I said I had never seen him but I could sit and listen to him read the phone book.
James and two others ended up being transferred to other departments within the company. Being the procrastinator that I am, I waited until the last minute to dispose of the fixed assets of the sold division. (That was also due in part to my hatred of our fixed asset software). I was down to the wire, and of the three employees that were retained, James was the only one who was there that day that could tell me what had happened to the assets-whether they had been sold in the fire sale, given away (which is where the display case that holds all my recipe books came from-he had snagged that), transferred to another department or just tossed. That is how I actually met him. We had fun going through the assets and the next day, he came over to my desk to see if I had everything I needed. I said I did and thanked him again for his help.
A few days later he saw me in the hall and said hello. He asked how my Christmas had been and after talking about that, he asked if I had any plans for New Year's Eve. I said I hadn't made any yet. He then asked how I would feel about spending New Year's Eve with a bunch of people I didn't know. He was going to a party at his old roommate's and said I was more than welcome to join him.
I rang in 2000 at a party with a bunch of people I didn't know wearing a pair of size 8 pants. I say this about the pants because I was not a size 8 at the time and hadn't been for a couple of years. So, when I tried on these pants in a 10 and they didn't fit and I had to get the 8s, I was estatic. Even if the rest of the evening sucked, at least I was wearing skinny girl jeans. I got rid of the pants years ago but still have the sweater I wore with them, which I have only worn a few times.
Obviously, the evening didn't suck. I rang in 2000 with a stranger who would come to be the man I would plan to spend the rest of my life with and who would spend the rest of his life with me. Happy Anniversary, Honey. I love and miss you with all my heart.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
You've Come a Long Way, Baby
"I still carry a sadness with me. But I have been feeling lately that I have gotten to a point where I am as happy as I can possibly be. That my life is pretty full again and as complete as it is going to get for right now."
That is not an exact quote, but it is pretty close. The sentiment is accurate. I know I have the sentiment right, if not the words. I know this because I am the one who said-and meant-these words this afternoon to my co-worker and dear friend, A. (Thanks so much for everything A! You ROCK!!!)
It is actually pretty overwhelming and scary to feel this way. I am encouraged by the possibilities this holds for me; I am afraid the other shoe will drop and I will end right back up where I started. I still hate not knowing what comes next. I don't expect it to be smooth sailing. There will still be difficult days that knock me on my ass and make me feel I have just been kidding myself-that I haven't made any progress at all. But I love that I really am looking forward to the coming year and all the promise that it holds. And I am tearfully aware of how huge that is. James would be so proud of me. I know I am.
That is not an exact quote, but it is pretty close. The sentiment is accurate. I know I have the sentiment right, if not the words. I know this because I am the one who said-and meant-these words this afternoon to my co-worker and dear friend, A. (Thanks so much for everything A! You ROCK!!!)
It is actually pretty overwhelming and scary to feel this way. I am encouraged by the possibilities this holds for me; I am afraid the other shoe will drop and I will end right back up where I started. I still hate not knowing what comes next. I don't expect it to be smooth sailing. There will still be difficult days that knock me on my ass and make me feel I have just been kidding myself-that I haven't made any progress at all. But I love that I really am looking forward to the coming year and all the promise that it holds. And I am tearfully aware of how huge that is. James would be so proud of me. I know I am.
Now this I can live with...
Every now and then, just for grins, I like to check my horoscope. I go through phases. The last phase ended because it always had to do with watching my money or something to do with getting ahead at work. Even my love horoscope said to watch my money. Talk about boring and not the least bit useful.
Today I saw a headline on Yahoo that said "What your astrological sign says for 2010." The little blurb under it read: "Get your horoscope's predictions for your career and love life in the coming year. Are changes ahead?"
Well, that's what I want to know. Are changes ahead? So, I clicked on it. The romantic outlook for Capricorn for 2010 is:
"Your love life can be in one of three positions in the next year: single, in a relationship, or in a committed relationship. Regardless of where you find your status this year, there will be change, and it will likely be for the better. (Um, I don't see how it could get much worse). If you're single and looking, there are a couple of windows of opportunity this year to change that. Forces are coming together to make April and September to November this year prime time for you to either find someone, or (even better!) for someone to find you. (Sounds like Hide 'n Seek. Ready or not, here I am!) Even if you are in a relationship during those periods, you can expect the romance to get a little better. (Ooh la la).
Today I saw a headline on Yahoo that said "What your astrological sign says for 2010." The little blurb under it read: "Get your horoscope's predictions for your career and love life in the coming year. Are changes ahead?"
Well, that's what I want to know. Are changes ahead? So, I clicked on it. The romantic outlook for Capricorn for 2010 is:
"Your love life can be in one of three positions in the next year: single, in a relationship, or in a committed relationship. Regardless of where you find your status this year, there will be change, and it will likely be for the better. (Um, I don't see how it could get much worse). If you're single and looking, there are a couple of windows of opportunity this year to change that. Forces are coming together to make April and September to November this year prime time for you to either find someone, or (even better!) for someone to find you. (Sounds like Hide 'n Seek. Ready or not, here I am!) Even if you are in a relationship during those periods, you can expect the romance to get a little better. (Ooh la la).
If you're already in a relationship, May and June mark a time when the love and warmth will be ramped up. If there has been any distancing or difficulties in your love life, it will be an excellent time for the two of you to sit down and truly hear each other out, and do the work to make things stronger.
And if 2010 finds you in a committed, long-term relationship -- hang on to your hat! (I could be committed by the end of 2010-in more ways than one. Not sure white is my color though. I'm pretty pale). Two eclipses in 2010 will make for major shifts in your relationship, both of which have been building for a while. January is the first: watch for changes in your relationship that come to a head in July, when the second eclipse comes into play. If you want to move your relationship to a new degree of closeness and/or commitment, July will be the time to make your move. (So, start something in January; ramp it up in July. Got it).
Even though I don't actually put much stock in my horoscope, I like that this is at least positive news (for once). So, for even more grins, I decided to see what my love horoscope for today is. It is:
"Stop trying to be author of your romantic fate -- let the universe kick in and lend a hand. Not only will you end up somewhere surprising, but you'll also start to have much more fun when you surrender control."
I found this amusing and ironic as yesterday I was trying to decide whether or not to delete my profile on OK! Cupid-to stop trying and just focus on having fun for awhile. I do have some skepticism about this, however. Anyone who really knows anything about Capricorns knows that one of us surrendering control of anything is not all that likely to happen. I wouldn't even let James run the remote on TV night. (We TIVO'd everything during the week and watched all our shows on Thursday evening). And Hawaii would be a really nice surprising place to end up. On a cliff overlooking the ocean at sunset, in the presence of a ukulele player. Not that I am trying to control anything, of course. It is merely a suggestion.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Ok, Cupid.
On Christmas Eve, I put up a profile on Ok! Cupid, one of the free dating sites. I think it is safe to say you get what you pay for and right now, after only 5 days, I am already thinking "Seriously, Cupid?"
I have come to the conclusion their matching system is one-sided. I am pretty sure there is not much difference between using this site and Craigslist. I say this because I put in an age range for my desired match (and yes, I did venture a little bit to the cougar side. Meow). Of the 43 people who have publicly viewed my profile, 19 are out of that range. Five are over 50. One is 62. Eeww. My dad wouldn't even be that old if he was still alive. That is just wrong on so many levels. Six are under 30. Even putting my lower limit at 30 was a bit of a stretch for me.
I stated they had to live within 50 miles of me. Last I checked, New Jersey, British Columbia, Florida and Italy were not that close.
I stated my matches had to be single. My most frequent visitor (every day for the last 3 days) is married. (According to some study that was probably not scientific and may or may not be accurate, about 25% of all men on dating sites are married. Doesn't really do much for dispelling the whole men are pigs theory, now does it?).
Of these options, my highest match is 84%-with a 52-year-old from New Jersey (at least he's single). If I do a search based on my criteria, none of these 43 men come up-not even the single ones in my age range who actually live in this area. Only 11 come up who match my criteria; if I put in "reading" as an interest, it drops down to 3. (One was a 93% match so I checked it out. Not bad, but I don't meet his criteria as I am older than 32). According to their little "world love map," this area ranks #1 for my worst place in the whole world to find a mate. That's encouraging. My best option is North Dakota. At least it's in the United States.
I set up filters for who can and cannot contact me. Actually, the ones outside of my filters can contact me, it is just supposed to warn me that they don't meet my filters but are interested. The only one who has contacted me should have come with a warning as he does not meet my filter criteria. He does, however, meet the criteria to be a Nigerian scam artist (reportedly the 4th leading source of income for their country).
I am not sure what I am going to do at this point-just close out my profile and give up on online dating-again-or just let it ride for a bit. I do have a very negative attitude towards online dating as it is. And I really do believe you do not find love when you look for it-and putting up a profile is definitely looking. Maybe I need to step back from this and just focus on getting out and having fun with my two very active meetup groups (one of which is a singles group) for awhile instead.
(Ok! Cupid encourages feedback on how well their matching system works. I should send them this).
I have come to the conclusion their matching system is one-sided. I am pretty sure there is not much difference between using this site and Craigslist. I say this because I put in an age range for my desired match (and yes, I did venture a little bit to the cougar side. Meow). Of the 43 people who have publicly viewed my profile, 19 are out of that range. Five are over 50. One is 62. Eeww. My dad wouldn't even be that old if he was still alive. That is just wrong on so many levels. Six are under 30. Even putting my lower limit at 30 was a bit of a stretch for me.
I stated they had to live within 50 miles of me. Last I checked, New Jersey, British Columbia, Florida and Italy were not that close.
I stated my matches had to be single. My most frequent visitor (every day for the last 3 days) is married. (According to some study that was probably not scientific and may or may not be accurate, about 25% of all men on dating sites are married. Doesn't really do much for dispelling the whole men are pigs theory, now does it?).
Of these options, my highest match is 84%-with a 52-year-old from New Jersey (at least he's single). If I do a search based on my criteria, none of these 43 men come up-not even the single ones in my age range who actually live in this area. Only 11 come up who match my criteria; if I put in "reading" as an interest, it drops down to 3. (One was a 93% match so I checked it out. Not bad, but I don't meet his criteria as I am older than 32). According to their little "world love map," this area ranks #1 for my worst place in the whole world to find a mate. That's encouraging. My best option is North Dakota. At least it's in the United States.
I set up filters for who can and cannot contact me. Actually, the ones outside of my filters can contact me, it is just supposed to warn me that they don't meet my filters but are interested. The only one who has contacted me should have come with a warning as he does not meet my filter criteria. He does, however, meet the criteria to be a Nigerian scam artist (reportedly the 4th leading source of income for their country).
I am not sure what I am going to do at this point-just close out my profile and give up on online dating-again-or just let it ride for a bit. I do have a very negative attitude towards online dating as it is. And I really do believe you do not find love when you look for it-and putting up a profile is definitely looking. Maybe I need to step back from this and just focus on getting out and having fun with my two very active meetup groups (one of which is a singles group) for awhile instead.
(Ok! Cupid encourages feedback on how well their matching system works. I should send them this).
I know it's silly, but...
I only wanted one thing for Christmas: to win my fantasy football league-to add that virtual champion trophy to my virtual trophy case. It would have looked so nice with the champion trophy from 2004, and the third place trophies from 2003 and 2007. I wanted this more than I have wanted anything in a long time. I put it on my Christmas wish list on the widowed board I post on. I told my brother that is what I wanted (and a Snuggie-green, since they don't make purple). I asked Santa for it. I had visions of telling the poor souls who I forced to follow how my season was going they can now refer to me as the Gridiron Goddess. I wanted this. Badly. I finished the season in first with a record of 11-2 (after finishing last season in last place with a 1-13 record. Thank you Yahoo for storing that little tidbit!). I had a first round bye for the playoffs and blew my opponent out of the water in the semi-final game. I only had one more game to go, against a team I had already beaten once. And I was projected to win.
We both had a player in the game on Christmas. My player was projected to be worth 6 points. He was worth 23. My opponent scored 5. I had a nice lead going into Sunday's games. I checked the score after the morning games were over. I still had the lead. It was smaller, but still mine. I felt good. Not cocky-I've seen the movie. I know that on any given Sunday, anything can happen. But I was going to win. I just knew it.
I checked again after the last (NFL) game on Sunday had been played. And I saw that my ass had been handed to me. I was down by 50 points and only had one player in Monday night's game. Adrian Peterson may be my best player but no one is that good. And I knew I was going to lose. I knew I wasn't going to get the one thing I really wanted-the one thing I had put tons of positive energy into getting. (Final score: 102-129. Good effort Adrian! But I guess I have to accept Pigskin Princess).
And then I panicked. My friend is a firm believer in the law of attraction-you get back what you put out there. I put every ounce of positive energy into winning this game and I didn't win. Is this a sign that I am not going to get the other (realistic) things I want either? Does this mean I am not going to find happiness again? That there is no MH #2? That all I am going to get is more and more bad news and bad things happening? That I am going to be unbearably sad for the rest of my life? I have been doing what Mom said and asking my angels for a sign before I go to bed-but everytime I do that, I have nightmares-like the one I had the other night that my brother was killed in a car accident and I found out about it because someone had posted a link to the newspaper article on Facebook. No one even bothered to call Mom or I to tell us.
I called my friend. I told her I was panicking over something ridiculous and she needed to confirm it. Logically, I knew pinning my life on the outcome of a fantasy football game-something I never had any control over-made no sense whatsoever. She's a believer and she would tell me if I was doomed. I don't know if she wanted to laugh or smack me upside the head or both as she told me I was being silly. And reminded me that fantasy football is just a fantasy. I told her that everything I want in life is just a fantasy right now. I reminded her of the other things I had been putting out there that I wanted that were proving to be not meant to be. She said they weren't meant to be (and that MH #2 is coming my way-she can feel it). I asked her what the point is then, if everything is already decided? Which is pretty much how I have felt all along-there is no such thing as freewill and it doesn't matter what we want or put out there because it has all already been decided. And that scares me because I really do believe now there is no point in trying to be positive because it isn't going to do me any good anyway. It doesn't really matter what I want and it never did.
This morning on my way to work, I saw a shooting star. At least that is what I decided it was. Whatever it was, I made a wish on it. A very specific wish. There is no mistaken what I wished for. I used small words. I enunciated very clearly and spoke loudly. I repeated it. I know what I want and I wished for it. I may be on the fence about the law of attraction and freewill but apparently, I still believe in wishing on stars.
We both had a player in the game on Christmas. My player was projected to be worth 6 points. He was worth 23. My opponent scored 5. I had a nice lead going into Sunday's games. I checked the score after the morning games were over. I still had the lead. It was smaller, but still mine. I felt good. Not cocky-I've seen the movie. I know that on any given Sunday, anything can happen. But I was going to win. I just knew it.
I checked again after the last (NFL) game on Sunday had been played. And I saw that my ass had been handed to me. I was down by 50 points and only had one player in Monday night's game. Adrian Peterson may be my best player but no one is that good. And I knew I was going to lose. I knew I wasn't going to get the one thing I really wanted-the one thing I had put tons of positive energy into getting. (Final score: 102-129. Good effort Adrian! But I guess I have to accept Pigskin Princess).
And then I panicked. My friend is a firm believer in the law of attraction-you get back what you put out there. I put every ounce of positive energy into winning this game and I didn't win. Is this a sign that I am not going to get the other (realistic) things I want either? Does this mean I am not going to find happiness again? That there is no MH #2? That all I am going to get is more and more bad news and bad things happening? That I am going to be unbearably sad for the rest of my life? I have been doing what Mom said and asking my angels for a sign before I go to bed-but everytime I do that, I have nightmares-like the one I had the other night that my brother was killed in a car accident and I found out about it because someone had posted a link to the newspaper article on Facebook. No one even bothered to call Mom or I to tell us.
I called my friend. I told her I was panicking over something ridiculous and she needed to confirm it. Logically, I knew pinning my life on the outcome of a fantasy football game-something I never had any control over-made no sense whatsoever. She's a believer and she would tell me if I was doomed. I don't know if she wanted to laugh or smack me upside the head or both as she told me I was being silly. And reminded me that fantasy football is just a fantasy. I told her that everything I want in life is just a fantasy right now. I reminded her of the other things I had been putting out there that I wanted that were proving to be not meant to be. She said they weren't meant to be (and that MH #2 is coming my way-she can feel it). I asked her what the point is then, if everything is already decided? Which is pretty much how I have felt all along-there is no such thing as freewill and it doesn't matter what we want or put out there because it has all already been decided. And that scares me because I really do believe now there is no point in trying to be positive because it isn't going to do me any good anyway. It doesn't really matter what I want and it never did.
This morning on my way to work, I saw a shooting star. At least that is what I decided it was. Whatever it was, I made a wish on it. A very specific wish. There is no mistaken what I wished for. I used small words. I enunciated very clearly and spoke loudly. I repeated it. I know what I want and I wished for it. I may be on the fence about the law of attraction and freewill but apparently, I still believe in wishing on stars.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Advent #24: Christmas Eve
As an adult, Christmas Eve hasn't really been that big of a deal as I have usually had to work at least part of the day. With Christmas being on a Friday this year, I had the day off. I ventured out in the morning to what was probably the only retail store that was not busy: PetCo. And I debated before that whether or not I could get away with feeding the boys treats for a few days so I could avoid the crowds. Starbucks was surprisingly not busy either-since Starbucks is located in the same shopping center as PetCo, I decided I had to have that last piece of gingerbread before it is gone until next year.
I spent most of the rest of the day working on a craft project and watching "Mythbusters" until it was time to go get the pizzas and head to our best friends'. You have to love a friend that invites you over and doesn't say anything when you complain that you hate the type of pizza they are planning to get!
My friend wasn't feeling well so it was a smaller gathering than what she had been planning. It was still fun-we had an overabundance of pizza as we were expecting more people, and her mom brought all kinds of pastries from their bakery, several small bags of which ended up coming home with me. I am pretty burnt out on pastries and pizza right now!
In addition to dinner, we had a white elephant gift exchange and for the second year, I ended up with the gift given by the older of their two boys: this year it was a small stocking with three lumps of (char)coal. I guess I have been a naughty girl this year! There was a gift exchange after that, and while my friend and her mom did give me gifts, I found myself feeling really sad as I watched the family members open their gifts from each other. As much as they have embraced me, I really felt I shouldn't have been there for that-I felt I was intruding. And it made me long for a family of my own.
So, I came home and put up a profile on a dating site (because clearly I never learn). The two single guys I know who I would date aren't interested in dating me and I am not going to meet anyone sitting on the couch working on crafts while watching "Mythbusters" marathons. I also signed up for several events with a couple of really active meetup groups I joined. It's time for me to really put some effort into moving forward.
I spent most of the rest of the day working on a craft project and watching "Mythbusters" until it was time to go get the pizzas and head to our best friends'. You have to love a friend that invites you over and doesn't say anything when you complain that you hate the type of pizza they are planning to get!
My friend wasn't feeling well so it was a smaller gathering than what she had been planning. It was still fun-we had an overabundance of pizza as we were expecting more people, and her mom brought all kinds of pastries from their bakery, several small bags of which ended up coming home with me. I am pretty burnt out on pastries and pizza right now!
In addition to dinner, we had a white elephant gift exchange and for the second year, I ended up with the gift given by the older of their two boys: this year it was a small stocking with three lumps of (char)coal. I guess I have been a naughty girl this year! There was a gift exchange after that, and while my friend and her mom did give me gifts, I found myself feeling really sad as I watched the family members open their gifts from each other. As much as they have embraced me, I really felt I shouldn't have been there for that-I felt I was intruding. And it made me long for a family of my own.
So, I came home and put up a profile on a dating site (because clearly I never learn). The two single guys I know who I would date aren't interested in dating me and I am not going to meet anyone sitting on the couch working on crafts while watching "Mythbusters" marathons. I also signed up for several events with a couple of really active meetup groups I joined. It's time for me to really put some effort into moving forward.
Advent #23: Christmas Sweetheart Memories
James and I met in December 1999, so we had been together for just shy of a year when we had our first Christmas together in 2000.
I had been having some problems with extreme pain in my side, which had been going on for years, when I finally had a doctor recommend a laparoscopy to see if I had endometriosis. I had that surgery on December 18th, so our first Christmas was spent with me recovering from surgery and James having to pick me up off the floor in the kitchen of our apartment because I was bound and determined to make the perfect Christmas dinner and overdid it. That was the first of many Christmases I ended up in tears over dinner-everything was almost ready and I realized I had not turned on the oven like I thought I had so the ham wasn't actually cooking. Eventually, James asked me to stop preparing big dinners so we could try to have a holiday dinner in which I wasn't crying.
Holidays were always a bigger deal to me than to James. He just felt they were another day, but he didn't try to squash my enthusiasm for them. We would exchange gifts in the morning, have dinner around 2:00 or 3:00 and watch a movie or two. I find now that he is gone I try to treat them like they are any other day-it's much less painful that way.
I had been having some problems with extreme pain in my side, which had been going on for years, when I finally had a doctor recommend a laparoscopy to see if I had endometriosis. I had that surgery on December 18th, so our first Christmas was spent with me recovering from surgery and James having to pick me up off the floor in the kitchen of our apartment because I was bound and determined to make the perfect Christmas dinner and overdid it. That was the first of many Christmases I ended up in tears over dinner-everything was almost ready and I realized I had not turned on the oven like I thought I had so the ham wasn't actually cooking. Eventually, James asked me to stop preparing big dinners so we could try to have a holiday dinner in which I wasn't crying.
Holidays were always a bigger deal to me than to James. He just felt they were another day, but he didn't try to squash my enthusiasm for them. We would exchange gifts in the morning, have dinner around 2:00 or 3:00 and watch a movie or two. I find now that he is gone I try to treat them like they are any other day-it's much less painful that way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)