Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I know it's silly, but...

I only wanted one thing for Christmas: to win my fantasy football league-to add that virtual champion trophy to my virtual trophy case. It would have looked so nice with the champion trophy from 2004, and the third place trophies from 2003 and 2007. I wanted this more than I have wanted anything in a long time. I put it on my Christmas wish list on the widowed board I post on. I told my brother that is what I wanted (and a Snuggie-green, since they don't make purple). I asked Santa for it. I had visions of telling the poor souls who I forced to follow how my season was going they can now refer to me as the Gridiron Goddess. I wanted this. Badly. I finished the season in first with a record of 11-2 (after finishing last season in last place with a 1-13 record. Thank you Yahoo for storing that little tidbit!). I had a first round bye for the playoffs and blew my opponent out of the water in the semi-final game. I only had one more game to go, against a team I had already beaten once. And I was projected to win.

We both had a player in the game on Christmas. My player was projected to be worth 6 points. He was worth 23. My opponent scored 5. I had a nice lead going into Sunday's games. I checked the score after the morning games were over. I still had the lead. It was smaller, but still mine. I felt good. Not cocky-I've seen the movie. I know that on any given Sunday, anything can happen. But I was going to win. I just knew it.

I checked again after the last (NFL) game on Sunday had been played. And I saw that my ass had been handed to me. I was down by 50 points and only had one player in Monday night's game. Adrian Peterson may be my best player but no one is that good. And I knew I was going to lose. I knew I wasn't going to get the one thing I really wanted-the one thing I had put tons of positive energy into getting. (Final score: 102-129. Good effort Adrian! But I guess I have to accept Pigskin Princess).

And then I panicked. My friend is a firm believer in the law of attraction-you get back what you put out there. I put every ounce of positive energy into winning this game and I didn't win. Is this a sign that I am not going to get the other (realistic) things I want either? Does this mean I am not going to find happiness again? That there is no MH #2? That all I am going to get is more and more bad news and bad things happening? That I am going to be unbearably sad for the rest of my life? I have been doing what Mom said and asking my angels for a sign before I go to bed-but everytime I do that, I have nightmares-like the one I had the other night that my brother was killed in a car accident and I found out about it because someone had posted a link to the newspaper article on Facebook. No one even bothered to call Mom or I to tell us.

I called my friend. I told her I was panicking over something ridiculous and she needed to confirm it. Logically, I knew pinning my life on the outcome of a fantasy football game-something I never had any control over-made no sense whatsoever. She's a believer and she would tell me if I was doomed. I don't know if she wanted to laugh or smack me upside the head or both as she told me I was being silly. And reminded me that fantasy football is just a fantasy. I told her that everything I want in life is just a fantasy right now. I reminded her of the other things I had been putting out there that I wanted that were proving to be not meant to be. She said they weren't meant to be (and that MH #2 is coming my way-she can feel it). I asked her what the point is then, if everything is already decided? Which is pretty much how I have felt all along-there is no such thing as freewill and it doesn't matter what we want or put out there because it has all already been decided. And that scares me because I really do believe now there is no point in trying to be positive because it isn't going to do me any good anyway. It doesn't really matter what I want and it never did.

This morning on my way to work, I saw a shooting star. At least that is what I decided it was. Whatever it was, I made a wish on it. A very specific wish. There is no mistaken what I wished for. I used small words. I enunciated very clearly and spoke loudly. I repeated it. I know what I want and I wished for it. I may be on the fence about the law of attraction and freewill but apparently, I still believe in wishing on stars.

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