Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Oh good, more tears

This has been a very bad couple of days on the ol' grief roller coaster. I have been crying pretty much nonstop since Thursday night, when I let my feelings get hurt over what I perceive to be a personality flaw of mine: the fact that I am reliable and predictable. I ended up feeling like the only time people want to be around me are when they need someone they can count on to show up. I know James' death changed me, but this made me feel that the change is so drastic that I have become unbearable to be around. It has made me miss James a lot more than I already was.

Sometime in the next week or so marks the 10th anniversary of the day I met James. I don't remember the exact date-a fact that has never bothered me until now. It is driving me nuts that I can't remember this, though what really matters is I do remember the circumstances and of course, the date of our first date.

I have also been struggling with trying to understand how in just 10 short years, I ended up back where I started: alone, lonely and fearful this is how it is always going to be. Only now, I have more stuff and two dogs. And I have more wisdom. I know what it is like to love and lose and what matters and what really doesn't. I try much harder not to take things for granted and to accept that if something isn't meant to be it isn't because of anything I did or didn't do. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me-that I am not good enough. It means that isn't the path for me. It is hard for me to look at things this way, because let's face it, rejection hurts no matter how you slice it. It doesn't compare to your partner dying by any means and it isn't the end of the world. But it does make you long for what you had and it is a step back. I was starting to feel like life was good again and now I feel like I am back in Square 1 and the walls need to be reinforced with steel because concrete just wasn't strong enough.

The thing is, I don't want to live behind a steel wall, or even a concrete wall. Living with walls to prevent getting hurt is a very sad and lonely way to live. I don't want to be sad and lonely for the rest of my life-I want to be able to open myself up to the possibility of being seen as more than just that really reliable girl. Because I am so much more than that. It's just really too bad not everyone can see that.

1 comment:

Tracy said...

And they are fools for not seeing it!

Sending you lots of hugs from a few hundred miles away.