Monday, December 21, 2009

Advent #15: Holiday Happenings

I always thought it was really cool that my dad's birthday was 3 weeks before Christmas and mine is 3 weeks after. I don't know why I thought this was cool; I stopped questioning how my mind works a long time ago.

Having a birthday right after Christmas is kind of a downer actually. Growing up, I would look forward to Christmas as it approached, and then I would look forward to my birthday to see if I got all the things I wanted and didn't get for Christmas then. And then...nothing. I would have to wait for the entire year until it was gift time again all while listening to my friends getting all excited about their birthdays. My parents didn't believe in giving gifts for reasons other than birthdays and Christmas.

When I went to college, my birthday was forgotten by my sorority sisters more often than it was remembered because it usually fell right as we were returning from winter break. As one who has always been good at remembering birthdays (though not always so good at acknowledging them on the right day), this really hurt my feelings. I do have a couple of good friends and my co-workers, and of course my mom and brother, who do remember it and I really am appreciative of it. There are just more people in my life that forget it than remember it. It may not sound like much and it may be petty to have hurt feelings over it, but what can I say. I have abandonment issues and this simple thing feeds into my insecurities that I am not the least bit memorable or worthwhile.

James always stressed out about having Christmas, my birthday, and Valentine's Day all right in a row, but after that he was done with the gift giving and I still had his birthday in June to stress over. Last year, my first birthday without him and the last significant date before the 1 year anniversary of his passing, I was a sobbing wreck all day. It was so hard to get through that knowing he will never have another birthday and one day, I will be older than him as he is forever 41. I turn 36 in a few weeks. I am looking forward and am really hopeful it will be a great year, but right now, I could care less about the actual day.

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