Wednesday morning I asked God to help me accept being alone for the rest of my life. I asked Him to help me come to terms with James being the only love I was meant to have in my life. I told Him I was done wanting that happiness in my life since all signs were showing me it was clearly not in the cards.
Later that day, I got a text message from my friend that one of her Facebook friends wanted to meet me. I wanted to know why and if he was the guy she saw in her dream. He had posted something on his Facebook page about wanting to meet someone special now that Spring is here. (On a side note: yesterday was the first day of Spring. My allergies are so bad this morning, I couldn't stop sneezing long enough to go back to sleep after letting the dogs out at the butt-crack of dawn. NOT liking Spring so far!!)
I looked at his profile, but it is mostly private so I couldn't see much of it. He's not bad looking but I also don't know how old the pictures are he posted. From what I could see of his profile, I didn't feel a strong desire to want to meet him. So of course, I had to over-analyze this to figure out why? Is it because I'm not ready? Is it because I feel there is a lot of pressure to make it go well when a friend sets you up?
Trying to be open-minded, I talked to my friend about it to see what she could tell me about him other than what I could see on his FB page. It turns out he is a casual acquaintance of hers from high school that she doesn't really know that well. I sent her a list of questions I wanted answers to before I completely made up my mind. I did a Google search to see if I can find anything out that would be a huge red-flag. Because sadly, that is what dating has now come to thanks to the ease of the Internet for predators and stalkers to meet their victims. He has a name that could easily belong to more than one person in this area, so it is hard to say if what I found out was actually him or someone else.
I have been leaning towards not meeting him for a couple of reasons. First, I would feel a lot better about it if my friend knew him better. Second, I'm still not sure how I feel about being set up. Third, if I did Google the right person, I'm not comfortable with what I found out. And I thought "well, maybe I'm just not ready." It seems like I think I am ready but when an opportunity presents itself, I find reasons not to go (okay, so there have only been two opportunities since I started to feel ready to start dating). But there is that niggle of "well, he could be a really great guy."
So I decided not to decide. I decided I would see if my friend could get my questions answered. (I should probably tell her this). I have some things I want to know about a person upfront before I agree to meet them. I don't want to waste either of our time if there is no chance for a second date because of some deal-breakers I am not willing to budge on at this stage in the game, especially since I have met a couple of men who are legally single non-smokers who like dogs so I know they do exist (now why can't one of them be interested in me?).
I put it aside in my head and went to a Meetup event. It was a free concert that was expected to be packed (it was) and I got there early to help the organizer of our group save some seats. I was hoping to take pictures of the group playing so I staked out a spot at a table in the back of the room, leaving my coat and sweater at other tables to reserve seats. I thought it would be less disruptive to the other concert-goers if I was in the back of the room when I got up to take pictures. (It turned out I was too far from the stage and there were too many people standing behind me to get up and take pictures). I ended up sitting next to a guy who was new to our group. Partway through the show, I had a strong urge to give him my number. I didn't because I am a chicken, but I don't know that I have ever felt the need to give a complete stranger my number. I got home and texted my friend that I was home (I love that she wants me to text her after these events so she knows I'm safe), and that if I ruled the world, I had spent the evening sitting next to MH #2. (Who, like the man in her dream, does have wavy brown hair and is clean-shaven, which I didn't clue in on at first as I was trying to figure out who he reminded me of. I finally realized it was Andrew Keegan from when he was on "Party of Five"). Then I looked at his profile on the group site and decided he might be too smart for me.
Yesterday, I was having a bad day. I felt so alone and unattractive, to the point I asked my friend if my godson even likes that I go to his soccer games and would have had really hurt feelings if she had said he didn't really care (he's 13; I'm sure whether or not I am going to be there is the first thing he thinks about on game day). I went to a Meetup event last night, our 6 month anniversary party, but my heart wasn't in it. I cried on the way home. It wasn't until this morning that I realized there were people there last night that were genuinely happy to see me; that there are people in the group that really like me. (Feel good moment: being told by one member he looks forward to seeing the pictures I post because I am the best photographer in the group).
In my perfect world, I will meet someone through one of my Meetup groups, we will hit it off and something will develop from there. I don't think that is out of the realm of possibility, but I'm not really sure how likely that is either given there are a lot of women my age in these groups but very few men. I haven't met one yet that has any interest in me whatsoever so now I am back to wondering if I should meet my friend's Facebook friend or at least find out more about him, even though I don't really want to. I think I'll call my mom ($10 bucks says she says "I don't know Heth"). If nothing else, she can make me feel better by babying me about these damn allergies.