This past weekend wasn't the best emotionally and that has carried over to this week. My allergies have been acting up. I was so miserable Sunday at my widowed people's dinner, I snapped at two ladies who were there as guests. I was also upset that they were invited by a member who wasn't there and who let me know they were coming 3 hours before dinner when I had set the RSVP deadline for 5:00 the evening before. Plus they thought they were walking into more of a bereavement group format which is not what my group is. Of course I apologized to them, but I am really at a crossroads with this group as we are starting to get more and more members who are over the age limit I set which is turning this group into something other than what I intended it to be. If I wanted a Hospice-type group, I would still be going to the Hospice group.
But I am getting off-subject. My allergies are certainly not helping anything. I am tired-exhausted really-and that and a lack of exercise is making it harder for me to keep my mood up. And I have been taking it out on myself: I'm too fat. I'm so unattractive. I have stupid hair. My clothes suck. I'm not worthy. The last couple of days I have been completely filled with self-loathing. (WTH? James has "Bye, Bye, Bye" by *NSync on his computer?! Ah, compilation CD. Order is restored). I don't know when I have last hated myself as much as I have the last few days. And since I have been home more the last few days I am realizing that I can't handle the loneliness. The fun Meetup group is just an escape-a way to not be lonely, even if it is only for a couple of hours.
So this morning when I got to work, I sent my friend a text message telling her she could give my e-mail address to her Facebook friend. It's not that I have changed my mind about meeting him. I just don't want to be alone and guys aren't exactly lining up to meet me. And as the little voices keep telling me, he could be a great guy with a perfectly logical explanation for being a never married 40-year-old who lives with his mother (but has his own phone line), who may or may not have stayed in the same entry level position for the last 23 years and who doesn't feel it's necessary to pay his property taxes. (Note to the voices: if this turns out to be a nightmare, you no longer get opinions). So we'll see if he contacts me. It could be that he wasn't actually interested in me but rather was just interested in game night. And really, I'm okay with that.