So Heather, how does that make you feel?

After reading my last post, two of my good friends made similar comments to me basically saying that I told the story of what happened but not how I feel about it. After reading the condensed version, another good friend and provider of some much needed male perspective on this asked if I was happy. He asked again yesterday upon realizing I didn't answer him the first time.

The truth is I really wasn't sure how I felt about it at time. I was still processing the event itself, and sort of still am. There is a part of me that still wonders if I just imagined the whole thing. I didn't know if anything would come from it and I sort of still don't. I know he called on Tuesday night (yea!) and I was excited about that. He called right as I was thinking that if I didn't hear from him by bedtime on Wednesday, I would send him a note through the Meetup site. (This was after I went back and forth on Monday and Tuesday wondering if I should send him a note and thinking if he didn't call it was his loss). He called to see if I wanted to do something on Sunday. I am organizing a Meetup event and he is going to come to that with me. At least he said he would. I have been freaked out all day today thinking he is going to change his mind and not show up. I would be disappointed if that happened because I am looking forward to seeing him (which I told him). But Tuesday to Sunday is almost an entire week and a lot can happen in that amount of time. After all, on Tuesday 2/5/08, James was alive. On Sunday 2/10/08, he had been dead for 4 days. I realize that is extreme. The point is that things can change in an instant. New Guy could be meeting someone right now that he finds more attractive and blow me off for her. (Although I am looking pretty hot in my purple and pink polka dot PJ bottoms, grey Circus Circus t-shirt and blue zippered hoody sweatshirt and my glasses. Maybe I should go out like this on Sunday).

My paranoia got the better of me today and I basically polled the audience of the two friends mentioned above, my best friend and two other good friends. Male Perspective Friend took the day off so he got to miss out on my freaking out. (He'll get a chance to weigh in tomorrow-lucky him). The consensus is that New Guy would not have called and asked me to do something if he wasn't interested. The consensus is that he will be there Sunday. Not convinced (no offense, my dear friends), I Googled "how to tell if he likes you." Yeah, I need help-good thing I never got around to re-posting "Dating for Dummies" on Paperback Swap. I came to the conclusion he's either interested or he's a player. Apparently, there's a fine line. That's just what I need-if I can't even figure out if he's interested, how the hell am I supposed to know if he's a player?! But, I do have to admit I am feeling a little more confident that he will show up on Sunday. Inner Heather (who has been rather quiet lately) keeps telling me he will be there. Inner Heather is starting to get that nasty, impatient tone of hers. However, she was right about him calling so maybe I should trust her for once.

So, I'm nervous. I told my co-worker I wonder how many times I will throw up before I leave on Sunday (note to self: get some Mentos on way to PSU). Even after almost two years of planning monthly dinners for the widowed people group, I still get so nervous before each one I almost throw up. And this is the first event I have planned for the group so I want it to go well. I have been the organizer for a couple of volunteer events, but I didn't plan those-I took them over after they were planned. So I didn't really feel responsible for those. This one is all me and that is going to make it hard to give New Guy a lot of attention prior to the movie starting. I am hoping he does show up and he and I can get a bite to eat afterward. (I'm also hoping he tries to hold my hand during the movie-he'll have plenty of opportunity. It's a long movie).

I'm also excited and hopeful. I did a happy dance when I got home Tuesday (I was on my way home when he called). Charlie joined me in happy dancing. Sammy looked at us with his "why can't I live with normal people?!" look. I do want to see him again and in a setting where we don't have to shout to hear each other. But I'm afraid by being excited about this, I am just setting myself up for yet another disappointment. I'm kind of getting used to them by now, but with each one, I reinforce my walls a little bit stronger and it's a little harder each time not to stay disillusioned and to pull myself back up by my boot straps. My best friend gave me some great advice: she told me to enjoy the thrill of possibility. And it is nice to genuinely be excited and hopeful about something again. And to not feel the guilt I thought I would. I just wish I didn't have all the doubts about him showing up too. I just wish I had a little bit more faith and patience. Part of my problem is I don't want to wait and see how it all plays out. I want to know NOW so I am not sitting around fretting about it. But I know I have to take it one step at a time and the next step is seeing if he shows up on Sunday.