I've had dating on my mind a lot lately. (And the understatement of the year award goes to...). It's a frustrating process and one where it is very easy to get dejected, especially if that is your tendency to begin with. The bottom line, however, is that I want to find love again someday and I'd like an engagement that ends with a wedding instead of a funeral (novel concept, I know). I like to think that's what James would want for me too, but to be honest, I have days when I'm not so sure that even in Heaven where everything is supposed to be different, that won't break his already broken heart. And I'm sure that on some level I allow that to hold me back.
While this hasn't been fun by any means, it hasn't been all bad either. I'm learning what it is I'm looking for, for one thing. And the kicker is it's the last thing I was expecting. I spent the last couple of years saying I don't think I could date someone else that was like James. But as I've met people and have done the mental processing of whether or not they would be dating potential, I have come to realize I want a dorky man's man with a kick-ass sense of humor. I want a geek who makes me laugh like no other and will take me to the occasional ball game. In short, I want someone like James. I mentioned this to a widower friend the other day and he said it made sense. Inherently, we have a type and for he and I, our types are James and his late wife. The person I find myself drawn to these days is a very interesting dynamic for me. He couldn't be any more different from James, yet any more like him at the same time. I'm like a moth to a flame when it comes to him. So it's probably a good thing he's currently dating someone. I think. I'm a little unclear on that. I just know there's a girl he really likes and it isn't me.
I'm also realizing that I still have boundaries set up. A fellow widow recently made the comment that she wants a relationship, but not the commitment. I get that. I want the companionship and the physical aspects but I'm just getting used to my new life and I'm not ready to upset that apple cart just yet. As I told Guy Pal recently, I want a relationship someday but I'm going to have to be drug kicking and screaming into it. Sadly, I really don't see that happening twice in one lifetime, but then again, stranger things have happened. Of course, in order for that to happen, I would at least have to have a date first so it doesn't look like I am in any danger of having to drag my heels any time soon. (Too bad. I just bought some really cute heels. I never buy heels).
The other realization I've come to is I'm not trying to date on my time line-I'm trying to date on everyone else's. Not time lines they have set for me, but the time lines they have for themselves. All my single friends are doing it so I want to do it too (aka "Me Too Syndrome"). This has possibly been the biggest source of frustration for me and it took a long time to realize it. For whatever reason, it's just not my turn. I'm supposed to be doing something else right now (like creating a spreadsheet so my friends can keep my fictional love life straight and listening to Howie Day's "Collide" repeatedly on YouTube). I don't know what that is right now-lately I've been staying home not doing anything. After four straight months of just bracing myself to get through the next significant day (literally-10 of them in 4 months. Only thing missing was James' birthday), I'm at a loss of what to do now that I don't have to be in that mode anymore. So right now I'm decompressing and gearing up for whatever comes next. Which isn't focusing on dating.