The Saga Continues

I had a very interesting chain of events happen towards the end of June which made my head spin.  (Detailed here).  I ended up calling NLNG back that night and left a message.  He called the next day but I was out and about having food and drinks following a volunteer project at the food bank so we didn't talk long.  (It's amazing how hungry you get volunteering there!)  The conversation ended with me saying I'd talk to him in a day or two.  I figured if he didn't call Wednesday, I'd call Thursday.  Well, he didn't call Wednesday and that night was when I had the whole rib-pulling pukefest action going on so when I would have called him on Thursday I was still contemplating welcoming death.  Not really the best time to call.

So I sent him a text message on Friday morning that I was sorry I hadn't called him back but was really sick.  I heard nothing back and about 6:00 was having this huge internal rant about what a jerk he was because even if you only like someone a little the least you could do is send a return "hope you feel better" text and how I was totally through with him and how I deserve better, blah blah blah.  So naturally right in the middle of my internal rant, he called.  (Another "seriously, Universe?" moment).  I ended up inviting him over for a movie.  (I'd blame the fever but I didn't have one).  So he came over armed with Gatorade and a movie from his collection.  We chatted afterward and he thanked me for inviting him over and said he had fun.  I said I did too (I didn't throw up so that in itself made the evening a success in my eyes).  I asked if I was going to see him again.  He said yes.  I asked if it was going to be in more than a month or less than a month.  (I probably could have been a little less sarcastic when I asked).  He said less than.  I decided not to hold my breath.  He left shortly after that-kind of abruptly I thought but I was sick so I didn't really dwell on it.

At the urging of my friend, I sent him a Happy 4th of July text on Sunday.  He called a little while after that.  I thought about inviting him to come watch fireworks with me, but in the end chickened out.  I didn't hear from him again until Wednesday when he called while I was in the middle of hosting bunco to see if I wanted to do something over the weekend-having forgotten I was planning to be out of town.  So, I called him back and said I would have liked to but I would be gone.  We agreed if I got back early enough on Sunday we'd get together to watch "The Hangover."

This was during the time the compressor was blown on my A/C and my house was oh so pleasant.  On Thursday, I decided it was too hot to stay home and since I was taking Friday off, I didn't have to worry about my normal bedtime and could go to a movie.  I sent him a text message with the details and asked if he was interested since he doesn't have A/C.  He said he'd come if he could get off work in time.  I decided to set it up as a last minute event for the fun Meetup group as well.  He did make it to the movie but was late and didn't end up sitting with us.  After the movie, we were talking about it and the other two that came to see it left so we chatted some more about it and then he just said "it was nice seeing you again" and started to walk off.  I stood there waiting for my head to unspin.

I ended up catching him in the parking lot and asked if he wanted to go get something to eat.  We did and had a great time.  When we walked back to our cars, I finally grew a pair and asked if something had changed that made it so he didn't want to see me anymore.  He said no, that he wanted and thought he was ready for a serious committed relationship but wasn't in that place.  I said that was fair, gave him a hug and said to give me a call sometime.  He gave me a kiss and said he would and to have a great weekend away.

When I got back on Sunday, I could have called him to see if he wanted to come watch the movie, but it was still too hot in my house for my liking so I decided to go to book club instead.  I figured it would be cooler there and there would be food-another thing my house was lacking.  After book club, I was waiting at the vet's office to pick up the boys and was toying with texting him when he texted me asking how my weekend was.  I responded it was good and asked about his.  He called about 5 minutes later and we chatted for a bit-the vet's office is incredibly slow and they were unusually busy so I had time (it's a 24/7 emergency clinic).  Again the call ended with us agreeing to talk again in a couple of days.

I heard from him again on Wednesday (14th for those keeping score).  He sent me a text asking if I was on the walk and if I was did I want to come over since his new apartment would be on my way home.  I responded with "What walk? I am at home."  I didn't hear back right away so I wondered if he had meant to send that to someone else.  Nope, he meant me and had his days confused-the walk in question was the next day.  I said I would be on the walk if it was less than 80 degrees when I had to leave my house for it and thanked him for the invitation saying I would have taken him up on it if I had been on a walk.  He said he would take a rain check.  An hour after that, he sent another text asking if I wanted to come over after the walk if I went on it or before if I didn't.  It was after 10:00 at this point and I was in bed so I didn't respond until the next morning, and responded that was fine and I would know more when I got off work.

After work, it was over 80 and I just don't do well in the heat.  So I sent him a text I wasn't going on the walk and my A/C was fixed.  We agreed he would come over since it was cooler at my house to watch "The Hangover."  We had a good time-I was paying the price the next day for staying up too late on a school night!

I was pretty booked up with things that weekend-I had RSVP'd for a ton of Meetup things after he blew me off but Charlie's surgery changed that up a bit and he ended up coming over on Sunday for pizza and a movie.  This was the 18th.  When he left he said he'd talk to me soon.  I haven't heard from him since-including no response to the text I sent him last Thursday to see if he wanted to see "Inception" over the weekend or come over for a home cooked meal and a movie.  Saturday, I deleted him from my contacts.  I have his text messages still so I can relate this to my therapist on Monday to get her take on it-they will be deleted after that.  My friends think I will hear from him again but I'm not so sure this time.  James' best friend thinks I may have been giving him mixed signals and he's confused and gave up because that was the easier route to take.  I think he may have met someone else.  If I'm smart, if he does come back around, I won't let there be another round.

I'm disappointed and I fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life-nothing new there.  Mostly I hate how this has shaken what little faith in myself I had built back up.  I hate how I am doubting myself and wonder if I did send mixed signals (which if I did I am truly sorry for) or if this was just bad timing or if he was never really interested in all.  I just know it shouldn't be this hard and if it was right it wouldn't be.  I keep wondering what he is doing and keep telling myself I shouldn't since he's clearly not thinking about me.  I keep telling myself if this is what he's like in the "honeymoon phase" what's it going to be like when that period ends and do I really want to stick around to find out?  I just wish I felt like I had other options.

Actually, I do.  It has been confirmed now by more than one source there is another guy in the group that has a crush on me.  I am not attracted to him, however and I lost respect for him when I found out he does not respect the partnership of two good friends of mine.  (How ironic-the ball game just ended and the song DirecTV is playing is Michael Buble's "I Just Haven't Met You Yet").  Actually, he told them he was thinking about asking me out but didn't think I would say yes.  He was told to go with that and that I was already spoken for.  (This must have been during the last "game on" phase).  There's another guy I am friendly with but lately he seems to be getting a little more friendly than I am completely comfortable with-not in a physical way but with the things he says.  Again, he's a nice guy but I'm not romantically attracted to him and he's almost old enough to be my dad (well, technically he could be if he started really young).  After losing one that was almost 8 years older, I'm more than a bit hesitant to double that.  They both have said I'm really cool-as have several others in the group, both male and female.  So why is it the only person who can't seem to see that is the one I most want to?

I'm taking steps to try to get my mojo back.  I keep getting told I need to just focus on having fun and getting out there.  Well, that was what I was doing-and was doing a damn good job of it-until a stupid boy had to come and screw it all up.  (The beer he left in my fridge is so totally going to book club on Sunday).  I am working my way back to that place.  I dropped a Meetup group I wasn't doing anything with and was about to get kicked out of anyway for not paying my dues.  (Why pay dues when I can do the same things with other groups with better attended events for free?)  I added some new ones:  one specifically geared for people in their 30's, one for single dog lovers, one for photography and one for survivors of online dating (because that's just funny).  I don't expect to meet anyone in these groups-like most groups, the events are sparse and are attended mostly by women and men old enough to be my dad (except the 30's group, of course).  I also feel like I am now looking and I firmly believe you don't find someone when you are looking.  So what I really need to get out of these new groups is back to the place where my only concern is having fun.  I was there once-I can get there again.  I hope.

Good-bye July!

Good-bye July!  Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

July has not been a good month.  It started off with me getting sick on the first. Right after I recovered from that, I had to take Charlie to the vet (on the 5th).  He had an infected anal gland that had abscessed and didn't show any signs of not feeling well until it was too late.  The vet started him on antibiotics but at his recheck on the 9th, it was determined he wasn't healing as quickly as he should and he was given an additional antibiotic and a pain pill.  It was during this time that my air conditioner broke-on what was at the time the hottest day of the year (7/7)-and the night I was to host bunco at my house with guests that included a woman 6 months pregnant with twins.  My guests were gracious about playing in my 84 degree living room.  I felt bad for my friend and for Charlie, who had to wear the cone.  The only plus in this month was James had the A/C unit installed after we moved in and it was still under full warranty so I didn't have to pay for the repair, which happened on the 12th and was just over $1,000.

The 8th was even hotter and my living room got up to 87 degrees.  I had a weekend trip to the coast planned and I decided to go even though I didn't want to leave Charlie.  He was on meds though so there wasn't really anything I could do and I was boarding them at the vet's office so he was in good hands.  I was to drop them off on the 9th, but it was too hot in my house so I dropped them off the evening of the 8th instead and sought refuge at the $3 movie theater ("Get Him to the Greek" was about what I expected and definitely a $3 movie). 

The temperature outside had cooled down slightly by the time I got back from the coast but not my house.  It was still 84 when I got home around 2:00 on the 11th.  I had a book club meeting that afternoon and it was 83 when I got home from that.  I decided to bring the dogs home even though I would have liked it to be a little cooler in the house.  What can I say-I missed them.  I was relieved to see Charlie seemed to be doing better with the additional meds.

But that didn't last long and I ended up taking him back for another recheck on the 14th.  The bottom line was something on the outside had scabbed over so the icky stuff on the inside couldn't get out.  I was to give it a few more days and if he wasn't any better I would have to consider surgery.  When I took him in for his appointment on Saturday (17th), the vet took one look at him and said "hmm."  It wasn't a good "hmm" and I ended up leaving my little guy there for a glandectomy.  I have learned more about anal glands in animals than any non-vet person really needs to know.  It turned out this was the right move to make as the infected gland had actually ruptured and the infection was spreading to other areas.  And it also turns out that I am a pretty strong person generally but not at all when it comes to something being wrong with one of my boys.

I was able to bring him home that night, but about 10 minutes after I got home, I took him back as there was a lot of discharge from the surgery site and that didn't seem normal to me.  (Luckily, I live close to the vet).  Charlie came home doing much better the next morning, but for the next several days, he had the hardest time getting comfortable, understandably so and between the heat, his infection and then surgery, I went 16 consecutive nights with little to no sleep and still have not caught up.

Charlie was given a clean bill of health when his stitches came out this morning.  He is doing a lot better-definitely acting like himself again, and no longer living in the laundry basket where he took up residency for several days.  I actually kind of liked him sleeping in the laundry basket as it meant he wasn't trying to sleep on my head.

While all this was going on with Charlie, my computer started acting up and ultimately ended up going to the Geek Squad on the 19th.  Nine days later, I was told it was toast.  I had a meltdown over that.  It was James' computer and I felt he would be so disappointed that I didn't take better care of it and killed it (most likely it would have died anyway but I still feel bad.  It's just another part of him that is now gone).  This is one of those rare times procrastination worked in my favor in that I never did anything with my computer after James died so I was able to hook up that one instead of having to buy a new one.

And then there is the continuing saga of NLNG, who resurfaced just as I was finishing my last post.  I think I'll save that for it's own post. 

If Sammy had a voice, he probably would have asked to move out partway through the month.  I would have if I was him!  Here's hoping August is MUCH better!

Peanut Butter Cookies

My computer has been at the Geek Squad for a week now and we are currently down at work with the Internet the only thing we have access to.  So I decided to take this opportunity to post one of the many things going through my head.

This month, instead of meeting at a restaurant like we normally do, my widow/ers group had a potluck at the home of a couple who were widowed about a month apart 8 years ago and found a second chance at love with each other.  I asked those attending to bring a dish of significance and was happy that everyone actually read the event description and e-mail reminders and did just that.

My contribution was peanut butter cookies.  I love to bake and have an insatiable sweet tooth.  James, on the other hand, liked how the house smelled after I'd been baking but was not really a sweets person.  He did like peanut butter cookies, however-my absolute least favorite cookie and therefore not one I made that often.  He told me early on if I couldn't make a good peanut butter cookie, that'd be a dealbreaker.  I don't think I'd ever been so nervous to bake anything as I was when I made him that first batch of cookies!  (Obviously, I passed). 

Peanut butter is also one of the few things we did not agree upon.  I think it is PEANUT butter and therefore should be chunky.  And it has to be Jif.  He felt it was peanut BUTTER and therefore needed to be smooth and it had to be Skippy.  So I always kept both after it became clear neither of us was going to budge.  His exception, however, was that when it came to cookies; they had to be made with chunky peanut butter.  So I had to sacrifice my peanut butter for his cookies. 

I made the cookies yesterday and tried one to make sure they were edible.  I thought they tasted like crap, but I was assured by the others they were really good.  I guess they must have been-by the end of the day, there were only a few left which I had no problem pawning off on my friends.

Dating

I want to go on the record to say I love games.  I love to play and I love to win.  But by that I mean board games, or cards, or even the occasional sporting event (which I never win because those take coordination, which I don't have and understandably, I throw like a girl). 

There is one game, however, I can honestly say I hate, and that is the dating game.  I like games I at least have a chance of winning.  And the dating game doesn't seem to be one I am going to be successful at anytime in the near future-or perhaps ever again.  And to be honest, if that is the way this is all going to go down, I'd rather not get the glimmers of hope.  One thing I have learned from NLNG is that I am ready to date again and I do want another relationship.  But what good is that when your prospects are two men you have zero attraction to and one you are attracted to but makes your head spin while he tries to figure out what he wants?  (Not to mention the 100 matches on eHarmony, of which I had contact with 3:  a man whose main hobby is collecting mushrooms and whose profile had a schedule of which days he'd be doing that, a paraplegic that lived over an hour away and one I can't remember.  Or the scam artist from OkCupid.  Or the married man from the neighboring town who kept checking out my profile, also on OKCupid.  Or the 50+ men on Plenty of Fish who checked out my profile but weren't interested enough to contact me.  Match spared me the agony by just outright rejecting me).  If these are the players, I don't want to play.  I just want to take my marbles and go home and figure out how to accept being alone for the rest of my life. 

I like to play games to have fun and the dating game is not the least bit fun.  I hated it before I met James and I especially hate it now that I've had a taste of how great love can be.  I love being in a relationship, but I hate dating.  Sadly, you can't have one without the other.  I'm not a quitter usually.  But I quit.  I call "Uncle."

A new challenge!

Part of why I haven't posted anything in the last week is because last Wednesday my A/C went out, of course on the hottest day of the year (so far).  Being that my office is upstairs, it was just too hot up here to sit at the computer.  It was finally fixed yesterday so my house has returned to a temperature that doesn't make me nearly as cranky.

Another reason for my absence is that my best friend and I started a new challenge-and a blog to track it.  We had heard of others doing a photo-a-day challenge and decided to do our own.  For one year, which started on July 1, we will be taking pictures everyday based on that day's theme and posting them to our blog.  Check out what lead us to do this and our photographs here:

http://bestfriendspictures.blogspot.com/

Thanks for checking us out and for reading my blog!

No Pun Intended

Last Thursday, we launched our new website at work.  Somehow in the process of doing so, our e-mail spam server got messed up so things that aren't supposed to get through are.  This happens from time to time and it seems the amount of spam employees receive corresponds to how long they have been employed.  I am one of the newest (4 years on September 5) and I am spared from too many offensive e-mails.  (No "bamboo in my pants" for me!  Unlike some people).

I did get three this morning for Viagra (of course) that appeared to have been sent to me by me.  I buzzed my bosses' desk.

Me:  "How much longer am I going to send myself discount offers for Viagra?"
Male Boss: "It should be fixed tonight."
Me: "So just for today, then.  I'm not giving myself really good deals."
Boss:  "I have the official site.  81% (off)."
Me:  "Man.  Me too but I have two 45s and a 19.  I'm stiffing myself."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I was so glad I wasn't in his office.  I don't think they have a name for the shade of red I would have turned.

Sick Widow

***Warning:  This is gross.***

I am pretty lucky in that I don't get sick very often.  Yes, I have bad allergies and that does lead to sinus infections and/or bronchitis about once a year but I don't really count that as I expect it and it doesn't usually knock me down for days.  I manage the allergies with an over-the-counter medication (currently Zyrtec-D) and when need be, I get antibiotics for the other respiratory "stuff" that comes along.  I never get a flu shot-I hate needles and I rarely get flu sick.

It is a good thing I rarely get flu sick as I have decided that is quite possibly the loneliest thing in the world.  After my ordeal on Wednesday with the weeds, I ended up with either the flu or food poisoning.  I do not recommend pulling a rib muscle and then throwing up every 1/2 hour for 8 hours straight.  I had it coming out both ends and got to the point where I wanted to cry when the urge hit as I didn't think I could possibly have anything left in me.  I was wrong.  I swear my vomit was vomiting and I was throwing up things I ate three weeks ago.  (It's pretty sad when in the process of throwing up you find yourself wondering when you last had pasta sauce).

When I called in sick to work, I had only been at it for 5 hours and I was pretty freaked out at that point.  I left a message for the first person who arrives at work and asked her to call me-I wanted to be sure I wasn't dying.  (Although later in the day, there came a point where if it hadn't been for my boys I would have seriously considered welcoming death). 

I am not one that likes to be hovered over when I am sick.  I have always said when I don't feel good just leave me alone to die in peace.  But that was when there was someone around-first my parents, then my sorority sisters and then after a spell of no one, James-who would know if I did just that.  Being sicker than I have been in longer than I can remember with no one around was a very lonely feeling.  I am blessed however with a wonderful co-worker and boss who called several times to check on me.  (THANK YOU A!!!)  I didn't want to be hovered over, but it would have been really nice after (at the time) 5 hours worth of trips to the bathroom if someone else could have done the morning routine of taking out and feeding the dogs.  Walking downstairs and through the house just took too much energy and didn't happen when they would have liked it to!  It was easier to take care of their needs when I relocated to the couch, which I attempted to do for two hours before finally succeeding.

Friday I was feeling a lot better but still nowhere near 100% so I spent the morning working from home and a chunk of the afternoon taking a nap.  Being that I wasn't prepared for this, I didn't really have much "sick food" in the house, but decided to try some noodles.  (All I ate for two days was a piece of dry toast, 1/2 a muffin and 1/3 bowl of noodles-and yet I somehow gained weight???)  I decided to cook them in chicken broth instead of water (which made them too salty) and as I was doing this and making some Jello, I found myself thinking it was a good thing I had some extra liquid food left over from when I had my colonoscopy.  There's a thought you don't have everyday and one I hope to never have again.  I really wanted a red slushy but didn't risk running to the store, even though it is only 1/2 mile away.  I was also out of Gatorade and very dehydrated, but that issue was resolved when NLNG came over to watch a movie and brought me some.  Although I stopped throwing up around 8:30 Thursday morning, it was about 5:00 Saturday afternoon when I was finally able to keep food "in."

I am feeling much better and am hopefully set in the flu department for the next couple of years.  I have also decided I am not meant to do yard work and am calling to see if I can work out something with my former yard service (NLNG thought food poisoning was the likely culprit or at least more plausible than "God clearly doesn't want me to do yard work," though he could see how I came to that conclusion).  And hopefully the next time this happens I will no longer be alone just in case I want someone to take care of me after all-or at the very least, run to the store and get me a slushy.