Sunday, January 17, 2010

Happy? Birthday to me

January 1st was the start of a new year for everyone. The 15th was the start of a new year for me.

I turned 36 on Friday. The day started out much better than last year. Last year, I was in tears before I even got out of bed. This year, I made it until about 12:30 before I really started crying. Plain and simple, I miss James. I love birthdays and I miss having someone special waiting for me to come home on mine. And I think I have some survivor's guilt. There is a part of me that feels I shouldn't get to have birthdays anymore either. Then there is the guilt of feeling like I might be ready to meet someone new. It's a bit of a catch-22. The last thing I want is to spend the rest of my life alone but allowing someone new in my life feels like a betrayal. I know James would want me to be happy though. That's what he wanted when he was alive; I can't see that changing in death. (I feel sorry for my friends when there is a viable candidate for my affections. Lord knows they have had to provide enough therapy with me just thinking about it!)

Mostly, my day was good. My co-workers spoiled me with presents. I received a ton of e-mails and well wishes on Facebook from friends. My brother sent flowers. My mom sent a couple of things to help decorate my house and a blanket she made for me-purple, of course. I spent a very nice low-key evening with one of my best friends enjoying cheesecake and Mexican food (in that order) and working on abundance boards, though I didn't get very far on mine.

I don't know what this year of being 36 holds for me. It has started off mixed, with the overwhelming outpouring of love on Friday, mixed with the sadness of missing James and the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. Yesterday, I did a volunteer project in celebration of MLK weekend. It went well, and I didn't stutter too much during my opening remarks. It helped that the library contact was kind of long-winded so I kept my part very short so we could get on with the actual project.

Last night, I went to a birthday party for the organizer of the Meetup group I have been doing a lot of activities with lately (which is where the picture was taken. It didn't take long for his hat to start making the rounds). That was a lot of fun, although I am paying for it today in that a night of dancing and a bad knee do not mix! I am starting to recognize more people from the group which is making it easier for me to attend these events. Later today, I am heading to a potluck and viewing of "Raging Bull" with this same Meetup group. There will only be 12 of us if everyone comes, so it will be a nice intimate gathering.

But I just feel like crying. I don't know why. I don't feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, just weepy. Three compliments given to me yesterday and today from two close friends and a new acquaintance have me feeling overwhelmed with how much people actually like me. Maybe I am just overly tired and hormonal. Maybe I'm coming down with something. There are a few bugs going around and I am even more emotional than normal when I don't feel good. Or maybe it's because on some level I know I am starting a new chapter in my life and I hate change. I do feel a little bit like I am about to leave something behind but don't yet know what that is. My life with James is the most likely answer. Maybe it is just fear of the unknown-that is a very scary thing for a control freak like me. I don't know what lies next, but hopefully, it's fun and exciting. I really want this to be a great year.

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