Universe

On my way to work Friday morning, I had a bit of a temper tantrum in which I told the Universe in no uncertain terms exactly where it could go and exactly what it could do when it got there. I did have a moment where I wondered if it was really a good idea to tell the Universe to f*** off-repeatedly-but it felt good and I could have gone on longer but my commute is only 4.5 miles. I have tried bargaining, pleading, asking nicely, praying, thinking positive and focusing on exactly what I want. None of that is working, so I was pretty much down to my last option. (Other than suddenly becoming a patient person which is so not likely to happen at this stage in the game).

I told the Universe I didn't think it was fair to have James plucked away from me. I didn't think it was fair for me to then meet a great man only to have the Universe say "psych! Just kidding! This was just a test to show you you are still capable of feeling but you don't really get to be happy again. At least not with this one even though you are the type of woman he can see having a future with AND he thinks you're great." and break my slowly healing heart again. (Yes, I know there is a lesson here: I can still feel, I got a new friend out of the deal and I know what I am looking for in a partner now. Doesn't make it hurt any less when I really miss my friend and his companionship now that life seems to be taking us in different directions. For the last 8 months, he has been the only person I truly feel like myself around). I didn't think it was fair to have 99 freakin' matches on e-Harmony and only have 2 contact me and the ones I tried to contact completely ignore me. I didn't think it was fair to have been rejected by Match.com. I didn't think it was fair that on top of a shattered heart I was being made to feel worthless and unattractive. I told the Universe I did not ask for any of this, I deserve better than this and it better start showing me some love or at least throw me a freakin' bone. I asked what exactly it wanted from me because I have nothing more to give. I got a lot out in a short amount of time. (I do realize I have some unresolved anger issues stemming from James' death).

I don't know why, but later in the day, I felt the urge to log on to my e-Harmony account. I cancelled it last week, but since it is paid for until 10/08, it is active until then. The message I got when I closed it was that I could still communicate with my matches until then. I don't know why, but I was curious if that meant I would still get new matches, or if I could just communicate with the ones I already had.

I had a new match. Match #100. And he wanted to communicate with me. His profile didn't blow me away, but I liked what it had to say. He meets several of my criteria. He doesn't have a picture and that bothers me a little bit as I feel he has an unfair advantage in knowing what I look like and for all I know he could have been the guy behind me at the post office today (except the "guy" behind me was a woman who lives in Sun City, AZ and is just visiting and likes to buy the boxes at the post office to use to send oranges to her family here. I seem to have developed the ability to strike up a conversation with anyone since James died. But if she was a 41-year-old man, she could have been my match). The not having a picture thing bugs me for other reasons too, especially since I requested one. He's been very prompt at responding to my communications-almost too prompt. And so far, on paper, this guy sounds great. But I am very skeptical. I am actually more leery than excited about it. (My mother, on the other hand, thinks I sound perfect for him. No one other than James will ever be perfect for me as far as she is concerned). As the saying goes "if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is," and so far he sounds a little too perfect. Instead of being excited, my Spidey sense is on high alert-something just feels off about this.

Today, I had another match that has requested communication. Again, 41 years old and no picture. (This one is not a new match. He's been around since 8/21). And, the only guy (out of 100) who really grabbed my attention finally responded to my opening questions-by closing the match. He doesn't feel the chemistry is there. Maybe he would have if he was 41. That is also how old the above mentioned friend is and how old James was when he died.

I'm not counting on or even expecting to get to the point of ever meeting either one of these men but it does give me a glimmer of hope there is a Chapter 2 out there for me waiting to be written and this is the opening paragraph. But at the same time, I can't help but wonder if I am just being set up for another fall so the Universe can just laugh at me once again.