Monday, November 9, 2009


I have always had weird dreams that I used to remember in vivid detail. One of the changes in me since James died is that I either don't remember my dreams, or I only remember bits and pieces of them. If they are the bad ones in which James has either left me for someone else, or wants to leave me for someone else, those I remember every painful detail of.

I have had a theme of sorts in my dreams for the past several years: whenever I am stressed out, I dream about former classmates, usually one in particular. I am going to guess the psychoanalysis behind this is that I am dreaming about people who were part of my life when I was young and innocent and in stressful times, I want to go back to that place. Lately, I have been dreaming about a couple of different childhood classmates which has been odd as they are not ones I have ever dreamt about. I also dream about people trying to or wanting to kill me a lot. I'm not sure about that one. It might be all the crime drama I watch and read.

Saturday night, I had one of the "kill me" dreams. I had uncovered a killing spree plot and was on the verge of figuring out who was next and how they were going to die (I watch and read A LOT of crime drama), and realized I was on the list. I think I got on the list because I saw the bad guys set fire to my neighbor's house. (I have had a lot of fire dreams since James died. Apparently, dreaming about a house on fire means I need to undergo some transformation). I wasn't supposed to be next, and I didn't know how I was going to die but I ended up running through a snow covered field and hiding behind a snow bank (the bad guys weren't incredibly bright). Then I was laying on a bed and got bit on the fingertip by a really short guy with poisonous fangs that was dressed like an ewok (I have never even seen Star Wars; dreaming about the ring finger can be symbolic of needing to be healed. Being bit represents vulnerability. It doesn't say anything about ewoks). I woke up before I died in my dream telling myself that death in a dream doesn't necessarily mean death in real life but can also signify change. I could use some change-if it is positive. I'm not really sure I consider poisonous ewoks to be a good thing. I'm not really sure how I feel about ewoks period.

Last night I was having such a good dream. I was at a retreat with the new-to-my dreams former classmates. Interestingly, I was at the same campground with them last week. In last week's dream, we were getting ready to leave and I was helping with some last minute trash duties. I went to tell Former Classmate to hold up on taking the last load to the big garbage can because they were trying to gather up everyone for the group picture. We ended up going to the garbage can because he was upset that someone didn't like him and needed to talk and we missed being in the picture (I am sure this has something to do with my abandonment issues).

So anyway, I am back at Unknown Campground with the former classmates and Really Cute Guy (we are talking come to Heather cute) appears and I decide to leave with him to go on a hike. As we leave, I am a bit hesitant because I didn't tell anyone I was leaving with RCG and my former classmates have never met him. So, we are driving along to the hiking spot and all is well, except for me feeling bad that I didn't tell anyone where I was going. And then we are walking along the road uphill (huh?) to the hiking spot and RCG starts thinking he is having a heart attack, but is really having a panic attack. I got him to calm down and was thisclose to kissing him when I woke up. Grr. Why do I always wake up at the good parts (I will take guilt over kissing someone other than James for $200, Alex). Actually, according to the dream dictionary, if you wake up right before you are about to kiss someone it symbolizes you are unsure how they feel about you. Okay, I can see that. But couldn't I have gotten a little action first and then been confused? I so would have been down with that.

I was really hoping to fall back asleep and pick up where the dream left off. But no. I went on to dream that I had to take some aptitude test that was just a bunch of really easy brain teasers. They were out of the real test so I had to take the practice test. Then part way through, one of the teachers asked how many people needed the real test. Four of us raised our hands. So, she went to find some more copies of the real test and never came back. Meanwhile, I continued to work on the practice test and ended up being there longer than everyone else (I started late) and had to leave the classroom I was in so I went to another classroom and was sitting on the floor to finish it. Let's see: according to, the #4 denotes stability. How boring. Taking a test can denote being put to the test or scrutinized in some way. Or it can be a pun on being testy or irritated. Hmm...I went from being thisclose to making out with a really hot guy to taking a stupid brain teaser aptitude test. That's not the least bit irritating.

I do wish I could remember more of my dreams. Their weirdness always entertained James, who never remembered his dreams. I just know I have a lot of them and they are very active which keeps me from getting restful sleep. At least if I knew what they were about, I would know why I am so damn tired all the time. I'm hoping for a good dream tonight. If I am going to be exhausted in the morning, I should at least get to have some fun in my sleep.

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