Last week, I decided to sell the house. I even went as far as to do a drive-by on a cute 3 bedroom, 2 bath not too far from here. It was much cuter in the picture, which was obviously old-the house was not the same color in the picture as it is in reality. Just driving by, I could see the back yard was not well maintained, the gate needed to be fixed and the blinds needed to be replaced. I decided I can't move forward in our house. I need my own place.
That was last week. I have gotten over it (again) for now. The market sucks. I don't really want to move. I live in a great location for where my life is now and this is my home. It is my comfort zone. And there is still the fantasy that I will meet MH #2, we will (eventually) have our own house and I will rent this one out.
Now I am back on the painting the bedroom kick. I get a four day weekend for Thanksgiving and don't really have a lot going on, so that would be a great time to do it. I already have the paint samples. I e-mailed a friend to see if he has an air mattress pump I can borrow since mine doesn't work and I plan to sleep in the living room for a couple of days while the paint dries (another reason for wanting to do it over a long weekend). Where I am going to put all the bedroom furniture is something I have no clue about, but I will figure it out. Getting the 50-bazillion pound ladder upstairs is going to be a pain in the ass, but I'll get it done. I have no choice-I'm not tall enough to paint the room without it. Painting will make the room a little more feminine-a little more mine.
Yesterday, I took another step in making the house mine. I packed up all of James' Steelers collectibles. I kept a few items that had meaning to me-the cross-stitch I made for him, the flower pot pen holder that was my first-and only-attempt at decoupage, the Nevada license plate I bought him when we took our first trip together, etc. Things that had meaning to me. I kept a few things that I knew had special meaning to him as well-the Jerome Bettis plaque, the Jack Hamm/Cris Carter photograph that Jack Hamm autographed, the can of Steel City beer that is God knows how old. I put some things in a box for his mother-she asked for the collection at one point. I put a few things in a box for Goodwill-hats that sun had faded, a penant that was getting worn out, a license plate that had been turned into a clock. I set aside a few things I want to find a true Steelers fan to give them to-the 2003 media guide, a couple of DVDs, a commemorative license plate showing their Superbowl victories from the 1970's.
I had been gearing up to do this for a while; I just didn't want to look at a half empty display case. My Atlanta Braves' collectibles take up the bottom half, so the display case had a sports theme to it. I cleaned out the closet in the living room with the shelves sitting there empty. I threw away the suit and coat he was wearing the night he died. I kept the shirt-it still smells like him and is the only thing I have that does. I can't give that up yet. I put the shoes and the belt in the Goodwill box along with a coffee maker that doesn't have a pot and a Swiffer as it turns out I have two of them.
Then I hauled my collection of Mary Moo cows downstairs. They have been boxed up for 4 years now. James tried to put up shelves for me once but was having a hard time finding a stud and got frustrated as it made him feel like less of a man for not being able to do what should have been a simple thing. I never felt that way, but didn't press the shelf issue either.
I had thought about putting the cows in the case before, but I was afraid I would meet someone, they would see the cows and it would scare them off. But yesterday I realized I am not perfect. I have quirks. And one of my quirks is that I collect cows. MH #2 will not be scared off by this. MH #2 will see a Mary Moo when we are out and about and ask if I have that one yet. MH #2 will accept the cows (and the puzzles, which is a completely different addiction that is much more out of control than the cows).
I set all the cows up on the card table so I could re-acquaint myself with them and so I could put them on the shelves according to which set they belong to, if they belonged to a set. It turned out very cute, although it is a strange contrast to my Braves' "stuff."
I was okay through all of this. It was one of those things I just realized it was time to do. (And I take no responsiblilty for the Steelers' loss today-that really hurt my fantasy team). After I finished I came up to look for more cows on eBay. I am missing 5 of the "Moos of the Month" set. That's when I got sad. I was remembering when I first decided to collect Mary Moos-I have been collecting cows since college, but not those specifically. I remember telling James I wanted to get all the Mary Moos there were. And then I found out how many there are and how unrealistic of a plan that is (although, how cool would that be to have them all?). He suggested I pick a couple of sets I thought was cute and just concentrate on those and then go from there depending on how much room they took up. (We agreed I would have 3 shelves in the guest room for them). He was the one to convince me to buy a bunch of them at the Antique Toy and Collectible show even though they didn't go with one of my sets because I didn't have them and the lady was selling them for a really good price. He encouraged my cow habit because it made me happy. And the cows really are cute.
I just couldn't muster up the enthusiasm to look for very long last night. I wanted to both cry and throw up. I did bid on three-one Halloween (didn't win) and February and July from the "Moos of the Month" set (auctions aren't over yet). Then I decided to play Farmville on Facebook instead. My heart just wasn't in bidding on cows.
I know this is a positive step and in a lot of ways I do feel good about it. I need to move forward with my life before I get any more rooted in the rut I feel I am in. I am so tired again-I am back to waking up at 4:30 and not being able to fall back asleep. I have so little energy right now as a result. But I feel ready for a change. And I do feel like something is coming-there is a change in the air. I just hope it is a good thing. I don't want to deal with anymore heartbreak.
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