I saw a plaque today with the following quote by Martin Luther King, Jr.:
"Faith is taking that first step, even when you can't see the entire staircase."
I almost bought the plaque and I kind of wish I would have. I am trying to cut back on impulse spending and if I decide it is something I really need to have, it is at a store I can easily return to.
After I read the quote I thought that even when I can see the entire staircase, I still fall down the stairs, thinking back to 4th of July weekend when I did just that trying to be quiet so I wouldn't wake my godson who was sleeping on my couch.
So much of life is about faith, and right now that is in short supply for me. I am not even sure what to have faith in. A happy ending? I would like that, but at times I just shake my head and ask myself who the hell I think I am kidding. The truth is I still believe in happily ever after. I want that for myself; I just don't have faith that anyone other than James will take a chance on me.
I know part of this is stemming from my little experiment with eHarmony, in which I have had close to 70 matches and only 1 express interest. He didn't strike my fancy for a variety of reasons, the biggest being that he is not a pet person and my profile clearly states that my dogs and I are a package deal. All I can hear in my head is my dad asking me what is wrong with me that I can't attract a man. I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it's getting really hard not to-it is bringing back too many bad memories of my pre-James attempts at online dating, and all I want to do is shut down and run away and live alone with my memories of James. Although I paid for 3 months, I am seriously thinking about cancelling my subscription. It's not worth it for me to do something that is making me feel so, well, worthless and unattractive.
I also know a huge part of this is due to hormones. I swear if I could, I would just cut out my ovaries and sell them on eBay. It's not like I need them for anything. The 6th is next week, meaning that almost a year and a half has passed since the night James died. How the hell did that happen? This is the first time the calendar has worked out that the "blessed time" is not on the 6th so I am seeing for the first time how much of an "influence" hormones have on my grieving process. It is considerable.
I will bounce back. I will find a way to restore my faith that everything will work out the way it is intended to and it will be good. I deserve good-I want good-I need good. For today, however, I took a step without seeing the entire staircase and I fell down the stairs.