Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I saw a plaque today with the following quote by Martin Luther King, Jr.:

"Faith is taking that first step, even when you can't see the entire staircase."

I almost bought the plaque and I kind of wish I would have. I am trying to cut back on impulse spending and if I decide it is something I really need to have, it is at a store I can easily return to.

After I read the quote I thought that even when I can see the entire staircase, I still fall down the stairs, thinking back to 4th of July weekend when I did just that trying to be quiet so I wouldn't wake my godson who was sleeping on my couch.

So much of life is about faith, and right now that is in short supply for me. I am not even sure what to have faith in. A happy ending? I would like that, but at times I just shake my head and ask myself who the hell I think I am kidding. The truth is I still believe in happily ever after. I want that for myself; I just don't have faith that anyone other than James will take a chance on me.

I know part of this is stemming from my little experiment with eHarmony, in which I have had close to 70 matches and only 1 express interest. He didn't strike my fancy for a variety of reasons, the biggest being that he is not a pet person and my profile clearly states that my dogs and I are a package deal. All I can hear in my head is my dad asking me what is wrong with me that I can't attract a man. I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it's getting really hard not to-it is bringing back too many bad memories of my pre-James attempts at online dating, and all I want to do is shut down and run away and live alone with my memories of James. Although I paid for 3 months, I am seriously thinking about cancelling my subscription. It's not worth it for me to do something that is making me feel so, well, worthless and unattractive.

I also know a huge part of this is due to hormones. I swear if I could, I would just cut out my ovaries and sell them on eBay. It's not like I need them for anything. The 6th is next week, meaning that almost a year and a half has passed since the night James died. How the hell did that happen? This is the first time the calendar has worked out that the "blessed time" is not on the 6th so I am seeing for the first time how much of an "influence" hormones have on my grieving process. It is considerable.

I will bounce back. I will find a way to restore my faith that everything will work out the way it is intended to and it will be good. I deserve good-I want good-I need good. For today, however, I took a step without seeing the entire staircase and I fell down the stairs.


Shannon said...

For the love of God, Please forget EHarmony!!! They are quacks! You are a one in a million! You can't see that on freakin' EHarmony! Half of them weirdo's lie anyway. You need to pry yourself away fromm the house and get out more. I know it's hard, but you will find happiness. After my divorce.. I didn't date or go out for 2 years (didn't want to) had had it with men in general. Until I met my husband at the hospital where I work, I still was apprehensive. He had two kids (very small) red flag to me and was going through a messy divorce, another red flag. I thought, what the hell am I getting myself into, I just got out of this hell and I don't want to get back into that again. But it turned out well and we have a beautiful family now, two kids of our own, and his kids are with us every weekend. It all works out WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. So hold tight, it will happen for you, like I told you before, but don't have so much faith in those stupid on-lie dating services. They are a joke. Everyone I know has had the same problem you have had. (Sorry so long, just being a friend...:(

Heather said...

Thanks Shannon-I appreciate the comment.

I am not pinning my hopes on eHarmony-I didn't expect much from it to begin with despite having a couple of friends who have had success with it. But it would be nice if at least one person out of 70 found me attractive! (I didn't have a picture yet when the one initiated contact).

After meeting James, I never thought I would have to start over again & I never in a million years would have guessed it would be as a 35 year old widow. As a lot of young widows are finding out, a lot men view that as a negative-they don't want to compete with a ghost. Yes, there are good ones out there, and I know I just need to bide my time.

As for getting out of the house, I volunteer several times a month. I just took a photography class and I joined several meetup groups as ways to meet others. About 90-95% of the people who volunteer & go to the meetup events are women. At volunteer events, the men that attend are either there with their wife/gf or are high school/college kids completing service credits for class. I do need to attend more meetup events-however, most of those are centered around alcohol, which I am allergic to or are late at night on a weeknight. I know I can go and not drink, but quite frankly, I have absolutely no interest in that as even the smell of it is enough to give me a headache.

Setbacks are common on this path and yesterday was just a bad day. We had record-breaking heat which was miserable in itself and I had the added bonus of feeling like a ugly, bloated cow on top of it.

Rick said...

I have had bad luck with the online dating thing myself too. When you least expect it, it happens, it does. You are an incredible woman. The right man will see that in you.

I like that quote. Unfortunately, we have to fall so that we can rise again and be more steady on our feet.