Funny how that works

This morning when I checked my e-mail, I had a message from eHarmony that Alonzo wanted to start communications. I thought that was interesting. So, I logged into the site and was surprised, and pleased, to see that I had 14 matches. Of course, now that the free weekend is over, they were able to find matches for me. It's funny how that works. But, on the plus side, I don't feel like the world's biggest reject anymore.

Apparently, you can see some information on your matches for free. I was able to find out that a few of my matches "closed" the match. Two listed "other" as the reason; the third was because I didn't have a picture posted. (They said I had no matches-what was the point?) I read through the matches-no pictures unless you pay-and closed two-Alonzo and one other. First, they were 5 years older than the upper age limit I set and both referenced their kids. I specifically said no kids. And if they had kids in their early 20's, I would be closer in age to the children than I would be to my matches. That's just creepy. It's not that I don't want kids. I love children. It's just that at this stage of my life, I don't want to raise someone else's-unless he is widowed. I don't want to deal with baby mama drama and having to arrange my schedule around his custody schedule in order to spend time together.

Since it was free, I posted a recent picture and updated a little more of my profile information. I am not sure about this whole thing. I am not sure how ready I really am for all of this-for the rejection part of it. Having matches kind of scared me. And there is someone I already know that I would not object to dating, but we are firmly entrenched in the friend zone. Which is fine-I would much rather have him as a friend than not in my life at all. Time will tell what role we are meant to have in each others' lives. In the meantime, however, I am not getting any younger and I can't keep using the "maybe my friend and I will someday be more" excuse to avoid putting myself out there, which is what I have been doing for the past few months. There is also another someone I know who recently ended a relationship that I have never thought about romantically-until the other night when I had a romantic dream about him, which had me very intrigued when I woke up. However, right now, he is not an option either. His heartbreak is too fresh.

There will never be another James. I don't want an exact duplicate anyway-that would be unfair to him, me and James. There are some of his qualities that are must-haves, however. My friend has a lot of the qualities that I do want, and if we are meant to be just friends, I hope to be lucky enough to find someone a lot like him.

Am I really ready for this? There's only one way to find out and I'm kind of excited about it.