I have a couple of lines of thought going through my little brain and I am not sure how they relate or if they even do at all.
For several months now, I have been sick of the phrase "it is what it is." At first, I thought it was simply because of how overused it is. Every time I turn around, someone else is saying it, or so it seems. But about a month or so ago, I realized it wasn't just the overuse of it that was annoying me-it is the resigned acceptance that goes with it. Why just accept things as they are? Why not try to change them?
I realize that some things cannot be changed and therefore have to be dealt with as they are. James has died. It is what it is-I cannot do a damn thing about that. I have accepted that (most days), but it is a resigned acceptance. I was talking to a widowed friend on Sunday and he made the comment that people keep telling him "it will get better" and he wanted these people who are not in his shoes to tell him when exactly that is going to be. I told him that I don't think it gets better. It just gets more tolerable; that for me anyway, it is not better-it's more of a resigned acceptance. He liked that way of putting it; it made sense to him.
So here is where my lines of thinking come together. I have two different examples of resigned acceptance: the defeatist feeling of things being what they are and having to just live with it instead of trying to change it and how the passage of time has affected me when it comes to my grief.
As I said, some things cannot be changed. I cannot change the fact that James is gone. If I could, I would have done that a long time ago. As a result of that, I live with the resigned acceptance that my life is not going the way I thought it would and well, it is what it is: just going through the motions of getting through yet another day-day after day after day without him by my side. But here's the thing: this is not working for me. The acceptance of "it is what it is" in this case is simply not good enough for me. I am better than this-I deserve my life to be so much better than resigned acceptance. And I can take steps to make that happen. And maybe that is when grieving "gets better"-when you get to this point and start doing more to give happiness a chance to start creeping back in.
I keep thinking the winds of change are in the air. I can't say why exactly I keep thinking that. It just keeps whispering through my mind at odd times-when I see certain vehicles, or when certain songs come on the radio, for example-"the winds of change are in the air." I don't know if it is an intuitive feeling or just plain wishful thinking or something I heard as background noise that is just stuck on my mind. I don't know if these winds are blowing in more heartache or something good for a change but whatever this is feels positive. And if positive changes are heading my way, I say bring it on.