The other day I was talking to my co-worker/dear friend about reuniting with loved ones when we die. She asked if I ever thought about what would happen if I do re-marry and outlive him too. Would I go to James or Mystery Husband #2? (She didn't actually call him Mystery Husband #2, but I have to call him something).
I pictured a scene from an old episode of "General Hospital" in which there had been an explosion and when Brenda Barrett emerged from the rubble, both Jasper (Jax) Jacks and Sonny Corinthos were waiting for her. They filmed it from the perspective of the man she was running to so until she jumped into Jax's arms (yea!), the audience didn't know who she was running to. With this in mind, I asked my co-worker "You mean if they are both standing there, which one do I run to?" She said that was what she meant-which one do I choose to walk into the Pearly Gates with? At this point, my answer would be James, but at this point Mystery Husband #2 doesn't exist in my world (well, at least not that I am aware of anyway) so it's kind of a no brainer. I told my co-worker that I read that we travel throughout time with the same soul group so I would imagine they would both be there waiting to escort me in.
This is something that has been on my mind off and on since James died-the concept of soulmates and someone being the love of your life. More specifically, I have been wondering if they have to be the same person. I first started thinking about this because Mom has said (several times) various versions of "the love of your life died," and "he was your soulmate." I wonder if Mom thinks of them as one and the same, but I am almost afraid to ask. Mom has already made it clear that no matter how great he is, Mystery Husband #2 is not going to come close to filling James' size 7 shoes. Mom is going to have to get over that.
Anyway, one of the results of James' sudden death is that my whole belief system was shaken and with a few exceptions, I don't know what I believe anymore. I do believe that James and I were meant to be together-I have no doubts about that. I don't know why he was taken so soon, but I sometimes think his purpose was to get me to a point where I would be able to carry out my purpose, whatever that is supposed to be. (If this is the case, I wish I wasn't such a fast learner!) I do believe that James was my soulmate; I don't know that he was the love of my life.
This doesn't mean I didn't and don't love him with all my heart because I did and still do. It doesn't mean I feel I wasted those years with him because even if I knew the outcome, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I think it comes more from a place of wanting my soulmate and the love of my life to be two different people. I believe you only have one love of your life and I hate to think that I lost him when I was 34 and that's it, end of story. There is no hope in that and I have high hopes of one day marrying Mystery Husband #2 (which needs to be in the next 5 years if we are going to dance at our 25th wedding anniversary party in 30 years-just in case the "universe" missed that the first time I mentioned it).
Maybe James was the love of my life-the life I had from the time I was two weeks shy of turning 26 until less than a month after I turned 34. I was the love of his life; he told me that, in a round about way. Maybe Mystery Husband #2 is the love of my new life. It's a different life now-I am not the same person I was when I woke up the morning of February 6, 2008 and while parts of that Heather do surface from time to time, I won't ever fully be that person again.
It's funny that this has weighed down on my mind so much as I have always been one who doesn't really like to label things. My mom once asked how I referred to James because it seemed silly to call him my boyfriend at our ages and given that we had been together for over 5 years (at the time). My response to that was "I refer to him as James." I'm not expecting to get any answers out of this-this is something no one can tell me the answer to; it's just one more thing I have to figure out as I go.