Today was a slightly better day. I don't know what exactly happened to take me so far back, but it does feel like I may (hopefully!) be at the end of this latest wave of grief.
I know that although it may not feel like it at the moment, I have made progress in the last 15 months and today I tried to think about and focus on that. Here is what I have accomplished:
* I have gotten out of bed every single day, even though there were certainly days I did not want to.
* When I felt I wasn't getting the support I needed from the bereavement group I was attending, I created my own group that meets once a month for dinner.
* I fixed the drain in the bathroom once and for all.
* I achieved my goal of becoming a volunteer project leader for an organization that I volunteer with regularly.
* I am not a natural leader but I am getting better at leading the group.
* I have managed to keep several houseplants alive for 15 months, with only one casualty.
* I have managed to take pretty good care of the dogs.
* I have disposed of not one, but 2 dead mice without freaking out. (My co-worker thinks its funny that I make sure everyone knows I did not freak out).
* I joined a group for women learning photography so I could honor James by taking on something that was of interest to him.
* I found out that I was in over my head with the photography group, so I registered for a class. It starts in June. I am still going to the group meetings in the meantime.
* I took a vacation.
* Last May, in a week's time, I raised $400 for the American Heart Association Heart Walk. So far in 2 days this year, I have raised $150. In this economy, I am thrilled.
* I no longer freak out about things I would normally freak out about. I just deal with them.
* I spent 13 months planning a wedding I did not get to have followed by 15 months of grieving. I have not completely cracked and I am not being medicated.
* I have realized that I am a much stronger woman than I ever gave myself credit for.
* I have realized that I am very well liked in my own right, and not just because I was a package deal with an awesome man.
* I have never lost my sense of humor. I have always felt that as long as I have that, I will be okay.
And I will be okay. Maybe not as soon as I would like to be, but someday. Deep down, I can feel it.