The Passage of Time

How can it be that a single day can seem so long ago and and like it was just yesterday at the same time?

It was 15 months ago today that I lost James to a heart attack. Like today, it was a Wednesday. I used to like Wednesday. Now they just mean another week, or in this case another month, has passed without him. In some ways, it feels like it just happened; in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago.

I am struggling right now. Last night, I pulled out the journal I was keeping at this time last year so I could see how far I have come. I turned to 5/6, and found I feel pretty much the same now as I did then. The only real difference is that I no longer feel it is a betrayal for young widowed people to remarry like I did then. Even though I don't feel it right now, deep down, I know I have made progress. I do feel hopeful that I will find happiness again some day; hopefully, sooner rather than later, but right now, I mostly just feel lost, lonely, exhausted and overwhelmingly sad. I miss him. If I really could have anything I wanted, this would all just be a bad dream.