My latest dream (very long, may be sensitive)

Saturday was 16th months since James died. It was one of the few times that I have felt good on the 6th in a long time. I had positive things to look forward with a volunteer project in the afternoon and bunco that night and it did turn out to be a fun day, even if I did lose both roll-offs at bunco. Not surprising-I always lose the roll-offs.

I had been shaky leading up to the 6th as I always am. I had an interesting dream a couple of days before that I was trying to interpret. I should start by saying that I tend to have weird dreams as it is. In February, I dreamt I gave birth to quadruplets. I had their names picked out but decided to change one of them, but no one knew that but me. Someone was telling the doctors what to call each baby, but got them mixed up and I was too tired to say anything. At the end of the dream, my quads looked an awful lot like cocker spaniel puppies. More recently, I dreamt that my friend and I were being held hostage by female gangsters. After the Feds came and released us, I ended up in a parking lot where a nudist parade was being staged. I didn't actually see naked people, I just knew they were there. This was the dream in which James left me a message on a computer screen that said "JAMES. I am here Astra Bear." I woke up wondering why James would call me Astra Bear. So, I Googled it and found that Astra is the name of the Beanie Baby that was the Beanie Baby of the Month in November 2004-which is when my dad died. The bear is also my favorite color.

Last Wednesday (6/3), I dreamt that I was walking down the street with one of my friends from grade school and her significant other and two of their male friends. The two friends were both vying for my attention (that has so never happened for reals). One was about my age and I felt he was trying too hard to let on that he had money. The other was young. So after we apparently got food for the second time, I was very insistent that I had to get to the dry cleaners but couldn't remember where it was. I was told by My Age Suitor that it was a block up and a block over, so we headed off in that direction.

There was a big building blocking the way. So we went inside. It contained a huge empty room and when I peeked out the door I could see a Farmer's Market and carnival type setting. Then, I was in another empty room and the two would-be suitors came in with James walking between them. I told him he couldn't be there because he was dead. He said he knew that and that I had to choose one of the other guys. I told him that if he was there presenting himself as an option, then I still choose him-that he is the only one I want to be with. He said "I know that Honey, but you can't choose me. I am no longer an option for you." He then said the older guy was kind of a jerk, but okay and that the other one was really young. By this time his best friend, who was female, had joined us and they were laughing about something. I realized he was only 18 and that there was a difference between being a cougar and just plain ick. I told James "He is really young. He will get bored and leave me." And James said "yes, he will leave." I knew it wasn't because of me though-he would leave because he was so young and still had so much to experience. And then James was gone.

I was in the first room again, only now it had a bunch of stuff in it-like it was a storage room. I was crying so my friend was tucking me into a sleeping bag so I could take a nap. But then Police Rescue came and said we had to evacuate the building so we got on a huge raft and floated across a little channel to the embankment on the other side. The Police Rescue lady didn't seem to know what she was doing, so I asked if it was a real drill. She said it was and I decided to curl up and take a nap in the raft because I couldn't watch them bumbling around.

Then, I was being pushed towards another guy and I was very resistant. I knew this was the guy the universe picked for me and could tell the universe was very happy about this. But I was not at all happy-there was something about him that was off and I knew deep down that he was not going to treat me right (take me for granted and give nothing in return) and that he was going to make me miserable. I don't remember his face-just his puffy dark hair and thick hands and that he was a little taller than me. Granted, I am only 5'4" so most men are taller than me. This is when I woke up.

I have been in a place lately where if I can't have James, I don't want anyone. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but right now I don't have it in me to deal with the dating game. I felt like this dream was James' way of letting me go and that upset me because I don't want him to let me go any more than I want to let go of him. Of course, I only have them lining up in my dreams so at the moment, this really is a non-issue.